A certain hamster tossed and turned in the sheets... alone. He noticed that Sung Ho had been sleeping at around 3 am - 4 am ever since they started working. He slept at that timing yet.. yet he could wake up at 6.30 am to prepare breakfast and lunch boxes for the both of them and then head to work together. Their days were peaceful, a little too peaceful… 

During work, Sung Ho had also looked out for him and seemed to be learning faster than him... Ji Hyun sighed into his pillow, feeling a sense of inferiority. They agreed to not bring work home, so what could Sung Ho possibly be doing till so late into the night? He felt his thoughts were starting to swarm, feelings of frustration, uselessness, and worthlessness grew. 

"Sung Ho...?" Ji Hyun walked into the study at 2 am one night, his bed head looking out of control. The faint light from the computer illuminated Sung Ho's face, his thin frame glasses framed his fatigued eyes, face holding a slight frown, looking in deep focus. Sung Ho jolted up when he heard Ji Hyun's voice and minimized his work email. "What are you doing up so late?" Sung Ho hoarsely said and walked up to him, hugging and blowing at his cute hair tuft. 

"..Why are you still up.." Ji Hyun nuzzled his face into the notch at the side of Sung Ho's neck. The tuft of hair tickled Sung Ho's nose and he held back an urge to sneeze. "I'm  just doing some reading.. I'll sleep in a while, okay?" Sung Ho tried to coax Ji Hyun back to sleep. 

"..No, I'll wait for you to be done" Ji Hyun whimpered out, visibly upset. "Y-you can get angry at me.." he continued. 

Sung Ho sat Ji Hyun down on his lap on the black leather sofa in the study. "What's wrong?" Sung Ho asked. "...I..I feel like... I keep taking from you. You keep helping me.. yet... I can't even do anything for you" Ji Hyun sounded like he was going to cry. "You're always looking out for me. Yet I'm.. so useless... I think you've figured it out by now... I'm scared of people.. ha ha.." the tears fell from his eyes like the pitter-patter of a soft drizzle. "..I'm also slow... I can't be as fast as you.. at work... I can't cook.. hic.. except maybe for instant noodles.. with an egg...wu.. hic.." Ji Hyun was starting to ramble while crying. 

Sung Ho knew he should be keeping a straight face.. he held back the urge to laugh at the instant noodles part. Sung Ho steeled his expression, seriously thinking of the feelings he wanted to convey. "I'm happy Ji Hyun" he smiled gently, puzzling and putting a stop to the tears trickling down Ji Hyun's face. "..w-what?" he puzzledly asked.

"I'm happy that you're opening up to me. I don't agree with you that you're useless... It.. would hurt me more if.. you pushed me away and rejected my help." Sung Ho's voice rang clear into Ji Hyun's ears. "You're mine... I want your everything. Your insecurities.. your fears.." Sung Ho removed his glasses. "Even if you're scared of people.. even if you're slow.. can't cook anything besides instant noodles.." he leaned in, whispering into Ji Hyun's ears "I want it all, I'll consume your darkness.. and share it with you.. if you let me" he bit down on the reddish ear lobe beside his lips, causing Ji Hyun to yelp and grasp onto his arms. "Don't underestimate how much I can give you... I'll fill you up with all of me, till you overflow" he assured.. tone full danger and resolve. 

The storm in Ji Hyun's mind seemed to dissipate a little, it was easier to breathe, to think. It was amazing how Sung Ho's words could blow away the grey clouds engulfing him. He had a long way to go... the feeling of having an all-consuming black hole was etched into his person. But belonging to Sung Ho gave him a sense of comfort, he became braver and felt that it'd be good if he could one day be a reliable support for Sung Ho.

"Mhm.." Ji Hyun nodded, acknowledging all of Sung Ho's words. Sung Ho smiled and gave Ji Hyun a kiss on the mole underneath his left eye. Sung Ho switched off the computer and the both of them snuggled on the bed, drifting off to a deep sleep with a sense of cotton-like softness enveloping their hearts. 

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Friday came too quickly for Ji Hyun, the day of the welcome dinner party. "You'll be fine, just stick with me" Sung Ho assured as they packed up their work to prepare to leave for the barbecue restaurant booked for the party. 

Another two new staff had joined during the week, so this welcome party was for the four of them. Ji Hyun was known as the pretty boy of few words.. he would just smile and nod or shake his head when people talked to him. Sung Ho was known to be charming, friendly, abnormally efficient, and protector of the said pretty boy of few words. Sung Ho was mentally exhausted.. years ago he had grown to be a cold and ruthless person, but.. to keep up his facade.. it felt like he had returned to before then. The only upside was that he could breeze through his tasks, being the one who had created, reviewed, and approved said policies and work processes.. an obviously unfair advantage, but it didn't matter if he could stay close to Ji Hyun. 

The two of them were popular but had an air of unapproachability around them. "You said.. your name was Lee Ji Hyun.. right?" One of the new staff, Ji Dong Ho asked, leaning in while squinting his already small eyes to get a good look at him, getting too close for comfort.

Ji Hyun backed away and nodded. Dong Ho seemed to not care about Ji Hyun's discomfort and leaned nearer. "My name is Ji Dong Ho, You're younger than me right? Ha ha! call me Hyung okay!" His tone was pushy and arrogant, saliva sprayed onto Ji Hyun's face. Ji Hyun's discomfort level doubled and he was thoroughly grossed out. Ji Hyun forced a smile and nodded as acknowledgment, he then ran to the washroom to wash his face. "He.. looks familiar... I swear I've seen him before.." Dong Ho muttered under his breath. 

Sung Ho came back from running an errand to an empty desk. He looked around and failed to see Ji Hyun anywhere in the office. "Hey.. you're Sung Ho right? I've met Ji Hyun earlier, you're about the same age as Ji Hyun right? I told him to call me Hyung, you can too!" Dong Ho found his new target and approached Sung Ho. 

Sung Ho flashed Dong Ho an angry glare as he intruded into his personal space. This time, Dong Ho felt intimidated and backed off. When he blinked, it was as if the anger he saw had been his imagination, the expression on Sung Ho's face was a cold smile instead, "I would prefer to keep things professional Dong Ho-ssi" 

Dong Ho was taken aback and instantly felt humiliated. "Ye-yea sure" Dong Ho stammered and excused himself. Ji Hyun came back with his fringe and shirt collar slightly wet. Sung Ho roughly guessed what had happened and became even more annoyed with Dong Ho. 

"Don't call him Hyung" Sung Ho smilingly said, Irritation apparent, Ji Hyun felt it sounded like a threat.. but he was happy to oblige. 

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Dong Ho was burning with envy when he saw that the focus of the party was on Ji Hyun and Sung Ho, that’s why he was friendly with them in the first place. He wanted to hang out with them and be surrounded by girls too. Ji Hyun was concentrating on the bbq grill in front of him.. he loved bbq! Sung Ho grilled the meat, offal, vegetables, and made sure Ji Hyun was well fed. 

Dong Ho was seated beside Sung Ho and expected to be served.. but all that was on his plate was a piece of kimchi he took for himself earlier. Sung Ho noticed it and let out a light scoff, audible enough for Dong Ho to hear. Sung Ho picked up an extra tong and passed it to Dong Ho, "Here you go Dong Ho-ssi" Sung Ho had a dazzling smile.

To everyone else, it looked like Sung Ho was being friendly and considerate.. but to Dong Ho.. he turned red from the humiliation he felt. Snatching the tong from Sung Ho's hand, he started grilling his own meat. Sung Ho was wary of Dong Ho since the first time they met, he had seen enough people to discern character from the way they talk and behave... As if solidifying his intuition, he had seen how Dong Ho talked down to the server staff, and aggressively flirted with beautiful female colleagues. 

"H-hello! My name is Woo Shi Hyeong, Ji Hyun Sunbaenim, Can I pour a drink for you?" A meek youth with doe eyes and short curly chocolate-colored hair politely asked. He looked nervous and shy, Ji Hyun found it hard to refuse and just gave a slight nod. Shi Hyeong was the other new staff member, an intern, he was slow but a hard worker. The times Ji Hyun had seen him, he was buzzing around the office, it looked like he was always busy with something. 

The drinking started ever since they sat down, Ji Hyun's senses were slightly numbed by the alcohol, and his anxiety was at a controllable low. 'Yum yum..' Ji Hyun was enjoying himself, his cheeks stained with a tinge of pink and stuffed plump like a hamster. Sung Ho smiled and watched Ji Hyun amusedly, the appetite of the man beside him had returned to about three-quarters of its original ferocious state.

"Hey! Can the new staff please tell us if they are single?!" One of the overly excited office aunties exclaimed. Dong Ho's mouth, now loosened by alcohol, was the most eager to answer the question, "I am! I am! If anyone is interested, hit me up! Ha ha ha!" An awkward silence filled the air, "How about the rest of you boys?!" The same auntie probed. Shi Hyeong shyly nodded, Ji Hyun was blankly staring into space, obviously in a daze. "I'm single but already emotionally devoted to someone, don't ask further please" he casually declared with a gentle smile and chuckle, when he quickly glanced at Ji Hyun, he saw that the hazy gaze had fixated on his lips, as if in a trance. 

"Awww that's too bad!" The group of ladies lamented. Sung Ho started taking the hits of alcohol instead of Ji Hyun, who obviously looked a little tipsy. "Hey Ji Hyun! Have you already completed military service?" Dong Ho loudly asked. There was a delay to his reaction, Ji Hyun nodded when the question registered in his mind. 

"..Hmm.." Dong Ho looked deep in thought. Ji Hyun leaned his head on Sung Ho's shoulder, Sung Ho was like an unmovable pillar, allowing Ji Hyun to rest comfortably. The scene was endearing for all the ladies. 

"AHHH!! I know! You're the crazy fucker who put the rifle in your mouth!" Dong Ho stood up and yelled, pointing his stubby finger at Ji Hyun. Those words struck a chord in Ji Hyun's heart. Everyone became silent and looked at Ji Hyun, including people who were at the nearby tables. 

Ji Hyun immediately sobered up and sat up straight. His gaze was fixated downwards and his throat and chest felt constricted, it was hard to breathe. "It's you right?!! Come on, speak up! You're making a fool of me if you keep quiet!!" Dong Ho sneered. Ji Hyun tightly shut his eyes, wishing time could stop, he wanted to run but his legs felt cemented into the ground. The surrounding sounds seemed to be mixed in with a layer of static and he could no longer focus on anything that was going on. 

Sung Ho's anger was boiling, he wanted to grab that fat man by the neck and- "Ahhhh!!" Shi Hyeong screamed as he slipped behind Dong Ho and spilled his large cup of coke onto his face and body. As he fell he had grasped onto Dong Ho's pants and it went down together with him, exposing a set of bushy and scraggly looking genitals.

Everyone who saw the scene unfold either gasped or screamed in disgust, wanting to bleach their eyes after seeing such a thing. Dong Ho bellowed in shame and hurriedly pulled his pants back up, "You fucker! How dare you!!!" Dong Ho wanted to reach for Shi Hyeong but Sung Ho already stood up, his burning glare and tightly clenched fist a warning. Dong Ho spat on the ground and left without saying anything. 

"I'm sorry but we're leaving" Sung Ho guided Ji Hyun out of his seat, and flagged a cab outside. Ji Hyun still looked like he was on edge, stiff and a hand grasping at his chest. Sung Ho pulled Ji Hyun into his coat, caressing his back without saying anything. 

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Though Ji Hyun was a coward.. it didn't mean he didn't try.. he just could not pull the trigger. His activity mate immediately noticed and wrestled the gun out of his mouth. The motion made Ji Hyun's finger put weight on the trigger, causing the rifle to discharge into the sky. The loud bang immediately caught the attention of everyone in the vicinity. Ji Hyun was brought away from the range, his memory a blur of what happened afterward. He was officially diagnosed after an in-depth psychiatric evaluation. He was not allowed near firearms anymore and was condemned to desk duty till the completion of his military service. 

He felt off but never really knew what was wrong. After shamefully returning from overseas, he immediately enlisted. He kept his condition from his family and friends, distancing from everyone. His family found out eventually while he was hiding at home for almost a year, living as a hikikomori. About his homosexuality and his mental condition, his family said he should 'just be happy, exercise it off, stop being gay' to get better. Of course, it never worked, and he got kicked out for being a bum. 

His memories were a blur, the things that hurt him, made him sad, humiliated him, all faded with the apathy that came with depression. Occasionally he reminisced about the happy memories in his life, most of them had to do with Sung Ho. The way that they fell in love, how his Sung Ho lovingly colored him with words of love, touches of fire. Regret always left a bitter taste in his mouth after he realized how stupid he was, to believe the schemes and words of others, how he broke Sung Ho, the one who had never let him down.

In the mirror, he could only see himself covered in pitch-black sludge. He would hurt people if they got close. He will hurt people if they got close. He will hurt. Hurt. 

It hurts.

'No one could ever love me again, I'm broken, even I wouldn't love myself'

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The moment they got off the cab, Ji Hyun threw up into the drain, he kept crying and throwing up and when Sung Ho tried to help, he was just pushed away. Ji Hyun eventually passed out hugging the toilet, a teary mess. 

This time, Sung Ho really did not know what to say to Ji Hyun. He wiped down Ji Hyun's face and body with warm towels, laid him in bed, and changed into pajamas. He called Yuri and asked her to come over as a personal favor to take a look at Ji Hyun. 

When Yuri came over, Sung Ho went out, expression cold and stormy. He promised to be back within a few hours, and when he did, his knuckles were stained with dried blood that was not his own.