Done, I already made a review here and on Royal Road (Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum), but I repeat, the best to have more visualization is to improve the synopsis, for my part I think it is best to tell about your personality (or what that shows on the surface, because it is clear that inside is not very happy that we say).
Long story short, this story is about the twin's parents...i figured you picked up on that by now...that the couple on the cover of the story are Ko Lee and Rica Reyes ...the twin's parents. which makes them Korean/Latino
but by the time you read it you can see why the twins are the way they are, lol. And another subplot that I will explore with the twins in the future. is not the outright OBJECTION to their parents (they adore Ko and Rica) but they want to be their own people. Hence, the twins are perpetually broke, because they shun their parent's money.
And I hoped their mother was Korean rifle girl. Darn it.
I do have a Korean girl popping into a story soon, her name is Yuna Kim, and she bad as fuck!! check out her rifle: It's a Daewoo K14 no spoilers about her story yet
https://jaydirex.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/yuna-kim-the-dragoness-1.jpg
New chapie.
I'm reading your current chapter and I feel.. my influence in it.
I try my best, sennnpaaaiiiiii.
New chapter is out.
nya! <3 I will read it soon as I can (after food)
here's an excerpt: Adverbs get a bad rap in fiction, ...they become a problem when staple-gunned to all your dialogue tags. “I am made of bees,” Shirene said indubitably. “I like cake,” Roger exclaimed excitedly. “Porn is amazing,” Darrell ejaculated orgasmically. When you say those aloud, they sound terrible. Childish. They also do a very good job at telling and a very bad job at showing.
Good point... ewwww... they shouldn't be used irresponsibly! <3
My last comment before i leave you alone ^_^ is that EVERY AUTHOR needs to read this profanity laced blog post by the writer Chuck Wendig at least once. It will ALTER YOUR perspective on writing (and Chuck Wendig is an asshole and pretty decent writer for the Star Wars books)
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2015/08/26/i-smell-your-rookie-moves-new-writers/
I always liked reading the war nerd. His articles were pretty funny.
I remember that
But seriously: Read Howling Wolf – Fearless Raven. It's a lot more detailed than the twins...and its also uniquely connected to the Twins story (that's all I'll say without spoiling) ^_^ https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16088/howling-wolf--fearless-raven/
I will give it a try. Later.
LOL, i don't have other readers At least not for that story. But...when I posted today about finishing a story it is about a story that I PROMISE is up your alley. And I will continue it as soon as Lee Twins is over (which ends ends in one or two more chapters.) I planned on writing more stories for the Lee Twins in that same book, but...im more compelled to finish my other one. the one you would like: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16088/howling-wolf--fearless-raven/
^^ Ah, now the lack of an overarching plot becomes clearer. But I wanted to give you a review within the next chapters anyway.
yeah, that Mexico story was an Idea I had. No reason to drag it out for 45 chapters (12-15 is fine). The plan was when the Twins were done in Mexico, I would start a new story (or two) and OF COURSE we would meet Angel again down the line. Think of the Mexico story as "Act 1" it lets the readers know who the twins are before they get into more adventure in Act 2.
Makes sense. Down there in Mexico, once two twins met an angel. It didn't end well for either side.
when Aurora was fighting with the guards that was the first time the thought came to me: "what a terrifying woman."
She would feel honoured.
in full disclosure..I will admit that uh..uh..Aurora...mmm may have influenced chapter 14 a bit. Heh, i like Aurora dag-gone knucklehead loli
My Americaness? lol, maybe. or just stronger writing:
The sun was rising on the horizon, and she was glad that the rain had finally ceased. The temperatures were rising again and her was slowly drying.
or
The rain stopped as the sun rose on the horizon. Aurora smiled since the warmer temperature dried her clothes, and her dampened spirit.
The Unity of Action limits the supposed action to a single set of incidents which are related as cause and effect, "having a beginning, middle, and an end." No scene is to be included that does not advance the plot directly. No subplots, no characters who do not advance the action.
Wut? That's too strict. I don't adhere to that philosophy. But most of it I do. But this doesn't justify head hopping. this is saying that you cannot have a chapter where they go to the beach BULLSHIT! I love beach episodes in anime.
Head hopping is part of the unity of action as the latter requires a logical and psychologically relatable sequence of events.
So, yes, head hopping is connected to the unity of action and strongly discouraged.
"Some say word salad. Some might judge otherwise.Some say word salad. Some might judge otherwise."
Honestly, web fiction readers don't care. You can post a story with crayon up here and they'll read it. But I do. And that's one of the main reasons I don't read web fiction. I like proper prose that won't make me snap out of the world because of wordiness, passive voice, or im suddenly in another POV. meh~
Passive voice ... your Americaness is showing through.
not just that. YOU HEAD HOP WITHIN SCENES. that is wrong. you CANNOT jump POV's within a scene. you can only be in ONE PERSON'S POV within a scene. Mind you, each chapter can have multiple scenes. I do it all the time. the scenes change (within the chapter) is where you change POV. that is not nitpicking that is an ironclad rule of fiction writing.
actually this is NOT IRONCLAD, I am mistaken. It is just something Editors hate because its amateurish and confusing. but hey, Authors will do what they want. I personally don't care for it.
*busy deleting adverbs*
PS. I thought you were a modern writer? Unity of action is long since dead and you will get to my POV. Shared POV that can change.
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