WARNING: depiction of child abuse, prostitution,  and drugs user.

My Tragic Life

There is a blaring sound of loud music ringing in my ears. My heart is following the beat of the music which does nothing to calm me down. I can’t hear anything or see anything clearly. The inner claustrophobic me starts to feel suffocated since I can barely move around.

Without any sense of direction, I try to find an edge somewhere that has seemingly fewer people. I almost stumble down a couple of times trying to find my way out of this suffocating place.

I can see all kinds of people here. The area itself is full of smoke and I can tell from the aroma that there is something stronger mixed along with the scent of cigarettes. Everyone is acting indecently as if nobody can see what they are doing.

Someone tries to offer me some tablets of who knows what kind. I could only muster enough to incoherently disagree with the shake of my head but the motion causes me to feel dizzier. The world appears to be spinning and I barely manage to hold on until I spot the bathroom sign.

I rush wobbly towards it and push the door open. Luckily for me, the bathroom is empty.

I stand by the sink, doing my best to stabilize myself. I force myself to open the tap and splash water onto my face. The cool feeling of the water makes me sober up slightly.

I lift my head and nearly stumble backward from shock. The face that stares back at me isn’t me. He may look nearly 80 percent similar but worse than I do. He has deep dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks are hollow. He looks emaciated.

I wasn’t sure if this body is much more malnourished than I am or that his high cheekbones highlight the lack of fat in his body.

He has trendy hair that I could never afford to have. A clean cut with a shaved offside. It even has a line on the shaved area.

I shakily move my hands to look at it but I can feel like something is about to come out of my stomach. I don’t care anymore and run to one of the stalls to let it all out but in the end, I wake up startled.

My body is sweating like crazy and the heat inside the room made me feel stuffy. I sit up to look at my hands and used them to touch my face. I let out a wry laugh. The one who probably looks terrible is me. I barely have any meat on my face nor body.

I let out a sigh, wondering when would I find freedom. There is a small part of me that wishes to find my own family who would love me as I am. I want a normal life and the ability to go to school. Such freedom is far out of my reach.

It was not as if I made the wrong decision in life. Life was the one who decided I was not meant to have a good life. I ran away from that slavery orphanage only to find myself out of the frying pan and into the fire.

At first, I thought he was a good man. Clearly, I was too naive.

Knock Knock

The door swings open and the familiar obnoxious voice rings in my ears. I turn to look at him standing by the door. The once white tank top has turned yellowish and has stain by his armpits.

“Wake up! Get your ass out of this room and start earning my money,” He said his piece and slams the door closed once again.

I groan silently and roll my eyes knowing he couldn’t see me do it since the door is closed. I forced myself out of the bed and try my best to balance myself using my skinny bony legs to head to the bathroom.

The usual horrific sight of the bathroom appears in front of me. I don’t even have a bathroom door. The walls are stained yellow and dirt surrounds the barely functioning toilet bowl. I don’t even have a shower. I use tap water beside the toilet bowl to clean myself. I make do with what I have by using some plastic container to splash myself with water.

Luckily I still have a toothbrush but having toothpaste is a luxury I rarely get. I could only brush my teeth with the yellow-tinged water and stare at myself using the leftover piece of the broken mirror.

Although it doesn’t matter to keep my body clean since I am always getting dirtied throughout the day but I still prefer to remove all the stains they leave on me. Nobody likes the scent of male essence. I truly hate it but I won’t judge if someone does though.

After putting on my tattered clothes, I head downstairs to see him seated in front of the dining table with a newspaper in his hand. It seems that he has made his own coffee since it appears steamy from my view.

He lifts his head away from the paper to look at me walking towards the table. With a flick of his finger, he gestures me to go to him. I didn’t need his instruction anymore to tell me what I needed to do so I walk to him and crawl under the table to place myself between his thighs.

Knowing that I am well situated, he pulls out his little member and slaps it on my face. I could barely contain my disgust and slowly start taking it in my mouth. I bob my head up and down at the pace that he likes the best. I make sure to satisfy him as quick as I could to get it over with so I am able to eat my breakfast.

He grips my hair stronger and pushes my head deep down to take all of his inside my mouth. I could feel it twitching before it bursts out inside. I make sure to swallow every bit and lick him clean before opening my mouth to show him that there isn't anything left.

He pats my face with satisfaction and speaks to me coldly, “Sit down and eat,”

That is how I always start my hellish morning with him.

If this bit wasn’t enough for you to turn away from my story, I still have more to share with you.

It was normal for me to whore myself to some random men. It was bad enough that they didn’t care that I have the same set of genitalia as theirs, they even treat me like a woman. These assholes think of no one but their own libido. Some like it when I call my back entrance… well, I’m too disgusted to even say it but it makes me wonder if these men ever studied the human body.

I might not be educated but I fully know that I am not a girl but a full-fledged dude with a hole that I need to use to excrete not to procreate.

I mean if they wanted to ravish a girl, go grab a call girl or something. Maybe even go to the park and grab someone. I don’t care as long as it isn’t mine.

However, this is my usual routine. Wake up, please him and take on a few customers. I always wonder if I will ever break free from this hellhole.

I don’t ask much. I just want the freedom to live but nobody cares about some nameless kid who was abandoned by his own mother at the orphanage. I was told by the orphanage caretaker that she didn’t want me and that's why she didn’t even bother giving me a name. I doubt that I want to know her at all.

“Wake up, bastard” The back of my head was slapped harshly with the newspaper. I turn to look at him to see him grinning happily. I’m getting goosebumps from seeing his creepy wide smile. It’s never good for me when he’s this happy. I stare at him for a moment to see him skim his eyes over me with a disgusted look.

“Clean yourself up again. You got more customers coming in a bit,”

He pushes me out of the chair and makes my head back to my room. I couldn’t make heads or tails from what he said but he never leaves any room for arguments.

I took one last look at him before I walk away.

He was the man that I thought would save me from hell but apparently, it was a situation where I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. My life didn’t get better after meeting him at all. I was forced to please him and take on a bunch of customers for his own pocket. He said that if I didn’t do it, I am an ungrateful bastard for not repaying his kindness since he saved me when I was on the brink of death.

My train of thoughts breaks the instant I see my horrible bathroom. Luckily, I still have a leftover bar of soap he tossed to me the other day. This is a luxury that I barely get here. Sometimes I wonder if it was better to stay at the orphanage as I pour cold water down my body. The cold sensation makes me shiver but then I get used to the feeling.

Thinking back to the past, I seriously wonder if I should’ve stayed back at the orphanage or running away was the right decision. I was young at the time when I made my decision. I was only twelve and the education we had in the orphanage was pretty much how to not incur the wrath of the guardian.

A commotion occurred one time where the guardian was hitting this really small boy. One of the older boys stood up to them to protect the small boy. He ended up being the one getting beat instead and when blood began to trickle down his head, I was convinced that he was dying. His thin body limped down on the floor and I don’t know if he died or not because that was when I chose to escape.

I took the opportunity when no one was watching to escape. Instead of helping, I selfishly chose to run. However, the image of the bloodied duo stayed with me all these years. I never told anyone about it because I felt ashamed.

I escaped the hell we called orphanage but in the end, life for me didn’t even get better. Maybe it would have been better for me if I had stepped in to help them instead of running away...

At the time, I was thankful that nobody chased after me but after a few days, I realised it was probably because they thought I wouldn’t even survive. I didn’t have money or anything, just the clothes on my back.

After a few days had passed since my escape, I was on a brink of starvation. I was dying on the side of the street until that man came to me. He appeared clean and proper. He didn’t change that much since that time except for a few strands of white hair slowly visible now.

"Boy, are you alright?"

I shiver at the remembrance of when he first spoke to me. He sounded so nice that I fell right into his trap. At first, I was wary of him but then I got distracted by all the food that he bought for me. He spoke softly and soothingly while coaxing me to share my story. I finally relented and told him while stuffing my face with the food he offered me. 

He offered me his home as a place to stay, saying that I can rest there. I didn’t agree at first until he insisted and my naive little self was touched by his kindness. I didn’t know it was all a mask he wore. I laughed remembering my naivety.

He didn't do anything to me for the first few days. He was still nice to me and treated me well. It came out of the blue one night when he came home from work and forcefully took me from behind. I bled out since it was my first time and there wasn’t any foreplay involved. Not that there was ever any.

When I tried to fight back, he yelled and slapped me then bickered on how ungrateful I am. He said that he saved me back then. He even brought up the fact that if he didn't take me in, I would probably have died of starvation. I stopped fighting because I realised I couldn't and my mind was dizzy. He was happy seeing my docile state and used me for his own pleasure ever since.

It was only after a few months later that I started taking on customers for him. He started being moody and hit me more often than usual. He did mumble something about being fired. That's when he looked at me like he realised something and gave me a devilish smile. It creeped me out and gave me shivers straight down to my spine.

The very next day, he brought someone with home him. He introduced the man to me as his friend. 

Afterwards, I just stayed in my room but the man suddenly came in with a smile. He started touching me all over and I struggled to get out but I saw him standing at the door. I froze and let him do anything he wanted to me. That was the first time I started taking customers for his income. I didn't even know that at first until a while later I saw the transaction he had between the customers.

I gathered my thoughts back to the current reality and I put my forehead on the wall in front of me and let out a sigh.

Suddenly, my door slams open and there he is standing at the door with a crazy devilish smile that sent shivers down my spine. I can tell that this is not a great sign.

"Get out from there, bìtch! They're already  here!"

I quickly walk out of the bathroom. He greets me with a grin and I know this isn't going to be good. Then, I hear someone saying, "He's cute".

That's when I realise we truly aren’t alone. As a matter of fact, there was a group of unknown men standing inside my room crowding me. There's five of them and none of them looked like decent human beings.

I could feel the beat of my heart began to race. The bad feelings inside me kept increasing.

"They're your customers for tonight," He said with an authoritative voice that he used sometimes to let me know that I can't argue with it.

"All- All of them?" I ask while stuttering and gained laughter from those men. They're basically eye-rapìng me at the moment. My body shivers in fear.

"Oh, he's scared,"

"Must be his first gangbàng then,"

They all laugh over the conversation they have with themselves. My thoughts jumble up but a word suddenly comes to me.

RUN!

So I start to run but one of them grabs my arm.

"Where are you trying to go, boy?"

I thrash around and claw his face when he didn't release his hold on me. He grunts in pain and I take the chance the moment his hold on me loosens to escape. I run out of the room. They try to block me so I kick one of them at their private part. He drops to his knee.

I saw my chance when there's a gap so I jump forward and leap over him. The front door is right in front of me but suddenly, I feel pain in my head and a loud sound at the same time. My head hurts like hell.

The room starts spinning on me and I see red. The last blurry thing I see is a man holding some sort of a metal pole that has a stain on it. He also has this flustered look on his face. He mumbles some words but I can't understand any of them.

Slowly, the pain turns dull and then, I can't feel anything anymore. After what seems like forever, my life begins to flash right before my eyes. Nothing to see there, it's full of horrible memories.

Then one memory came, it was when I was a child. Barely knew any evil. That was the time I got my first beating at the orphanage.

"Dear Life," the young boy said since I don't believe in religious nonsense.

"I have been a good boy this year and I was wondering if this is enough for you to hear me out. I don’t ask for much, I just want a loving family that will love me the way I am and they will let me go to school. I want to have good friends and maybe have a family of my own. I hope this is not a lot but I don’t have a lot, to begin with. I’m sorry for asking these but I don’t have anyone else to ask. I hope that you are listening to me..."

The moment my young self finishes his wishes, I could see the image of the memory moving further away from me until darkness completely surrounds me. In the end, I was left with nothing but darkness.

Darkness...

Yeah, that's all I ever had from the beginning of my life and I guess, until the end. I have grown accustomed to it so much that it's the only good friend I have in this bleak world.

At least there's no need to please anyone anymore. There's no stinky toilets nor a small suffocating bedroom. No more following other’s instructions on telling me what I should do. I don’t miss the life I’m leaving behind nor do I think anyone would miss me…

Except, probably Mama…

He’s the beautiful red-haired owner of the gay bar I took shelter in to hide away from that man for a little while. I only went there when he was dead drunk and asked me to run an errand. He knows I wouldn’t run away because there was no other place for me to run to and that was a cold hard truth that has long been ingrained in my bones.

Mama was beautiful. He was the only one that took the time to teach me anything. He said that I am a fast learner and even bought me some books to study at his bar. He would always check on my work and tell me if I had done well and never scolded me if I made mistakes.

Oh, I guess I'm really going to miss him. He's the only one that ever cared about me. He's the one who took care of me when I was sick when that man was out of town. He offered me to stay with him but I refused, knowing that the man had been getting into some shady business. I didn’t want Mama to be involved in the whole mess. He was the only one who had ever taken the time out of their own to be concerned about me. He even said I was a smart child when I’m pretty sure I wasn’t.

I let out a small sigh cause I'm feeling sad. I thought I wouldn't mind leaving this world with no attachment but I guess I am still attached to something.

Suddenly, I see a bright light within the darkness. I hear Mama's voice. He's urging me to go there.

"Mama?! Where are you??"

"Keep going, boy. Keep going. You're going to be alright,"

"Mama?!!" I keep walking as he gives me words of encouragement.

Go to the lights and that's all I'm doing at the moment. Walking straight into the lights even though it’s blinding me.

Then, I start hearing a beeping sound. It's really annoying because the beep is going on constantly. I try to move my eyelid but I can't at first so I groan, clearly irritated. The moment I do that, I heard a gasp.

I become more annoyed because I don't know what is going on around me. I try to open my eyes again focusing on the beeping noise.

Beep ... beep ... beep …

Ugh! What the hell is that annoying sound?!

Heart

Disclaimer: The author does not support the behaviour of the characters portrayed in this chapter. It is illegal. DO NOT COPY their behaviour. Please.

Everyone, please take care of yourself.