“Cloudy Day”

 

I woke up in cold sweat. It seems I passed out on the desk. I checked the clock and noticed that it’s past dinner time. I touched my stomach which seems to be rumbling with hunger.

I got up from the chair and headed out the door. I notice there is a tray right on the side of my bedroom door. There are some foods on it and it is still warm. I decided to take them into my room and eat it.

After eating, I feel bloated so I head to the desk and sit right there. I look at his journal and try to soothe the discomfort in my heart. I carefully put it away after staring at it for a while.

I start to open my own journal and begin to write my journey vaguely. It feels like after everything that has happened, I need to vent.

The time it took for me to write everything is unknown but the thunder starts to rumble. It snaps me back to realising I have been writing for quite some time. I decided it was time to sleep without looking at the clock.

I dive straight into the comfort of my blankets and realise that the night feels slightly colder than usual.

When morning comes, the sky is still dark but the clock says it is no longer too early. I go straight to the window to look up at the sky. It seems like the sun is covered by a grey cloud. It will probably rain later.

Knock knock.

 

I look away from the gloomy sky and turn to face my door. For some reason, my heart starts beating quickly. I try to brush it off since I haven’t been emotionally stable these past few days.

‘It’s probably nothing,’ I quietly tell myself as I walk slowly to the door and bracing myself for the revelation of the person behind the door.

My mother's face appears behind the door. I notice she is wearing a black dress and tells me in a quiet voice to wear mine. She said we will be leaving as soon as I am ready. She did not tell me the reason and the place we are heading to but I could tell by the atmosphere, it isn’t anywhere happy.

I put on the suit that has been marked as a funeral suit. 

From this point on, everything seems to be moving in a blur. One minute feels like I have just entered the car and the next, I am listening to the speeches of the beloved. Now, we’re at the cemetery plot waiting to lower the coffin.

At this point, I find myself unable to take a step further. My parents seem to notice this but don't try to push me to move forward. Instead, they let me stay by the cars parked on the side. I carefully watch everyone walking closer to the cemetery. Abby is with her family at this moment already waiting at the designated area. Today she’s dressed solemnly.

It’s rare to see her wear a dark gloomy outfit and act meek.

Despite seeing a familiar face, I still can’t bring myself to move forward. It scares me. All the thoughts start to gush back. 

I try to push them down but they are overflowing. It feels surreal. My heart is beating fast and I could hear it beating loudly in my ears. Whenever I close my eyes, I feel like I can see the scene of my death again.

My hand formed a fist as my nails poke deeper into my skin to remind me that I am still alive. I clench my teeth trying to hold back from breaking down.

The funeral made me think about myself. About my own self…

It reminds me that I am not their family. I do not have anyone in this world. They probably tossed my body out somewhere random where no one could find it. Those people wouldn’t care to even give me a proper funeral. I won’t have a place where anyone can visit but it’s not like there will be anyone to visit me.

All these messy thoughts plague me even as I walk away from the funeral.

Deep down, I know I should be grateful for this chance. I don’t know who or what did this to me but it makes me feel frustrated. I know I don’t belong here. They will never be looking at me. They are looking at him and I can never be him.

My walk turns into a run without me realising. I start to pant heavily while asking myself the reason I am running right now. I don’t know where I am heading but I do know I don’t want to be anywhere near the funeral. I feel like I don’t want these negative thoughts that are haunting me to catch up to me and swallow me whole.

Once I was all out of breath, my feet slowed down and I came to a stop. I realise I have reached a children’s park. It’s strange to make a park for kids when it’s so close to the cemetery and it’s surrounded by trees. When I looked behind me, I couldn’t tell how far I was from the cemetery.

At least I know that I am far enough not to be able to see it with my naked eyes.

I realise I am panting and sweating. I try using my own clothes to cool myself down and at the same time holding back my tears. It is embarrassing for a man to cry in public. I don’t want people to think I am weak.

Even though it is daytime, the sky made it feel like it’s late. It’s dark and it’s gloomy. It is a fitting day to feel this way. The view around me looks like it has been painted grey. Nothing looks vibrant.

When I look toward the park, I notice there is a boy on the swing set. He looks familiar and I can’t stop myself from approaching him. I start to feel a sense of uneasiness as I get closer.

The moment when his face became clear for me to see, that’s when the realisation hits me like a boulder.

 

Cody.

It’s him…

He’s still alive.

The feeling of relief came but guilt accompanied it right after.

I remember the day I escaped from the orphanage like it was yesterday. I chose to run away without looking back. There are times I regret doing it because leaving didn’t make anything better but sometimes I feel like it was better to leave than be stuck there close to nowhere.

The image of the small-statured Cody in front of me collides with the bloodied image of him back in the orphanage. I try to shake it off but my heart won’t stop screaming in my ears. A small part of me hopes that since he’s here, it should mean that he had escaped the orphanage.

Was I selfish for running away on my own and never looking back?

I reach the swing set and stand near Cody. He lifts his head and our eyes meet. It startled me to see his dark eyes meeting mine. When I refocused, it seems I might have seen it wrongly. His bright blue eyes are still shining like before.

I break eye contact by moving to sit on the swing next to his after giving him a soft smile hoping that it gets the message across. I mean no harm to him.

“Hi, how are you?” I asked him the question that has been plaguing me from time to time after leaving both of them. I wonder if Jakob is still alive but I am too scared to find out.

However, when I take a proper look at Cody, I realise he is doing well. He’s wearing a polo shirt and a pair of khakis shorts. His clothes look brand new and his complexion looks healthy. I wonder why he isn’t wearing shoes but looking at him is enough for me to know he is doing fine. Right now, I am truly grateful that he is still alive.

I notice Cody clenches the chains of the swing tighter after asking him the question. He looks sad about something. He pouts his lips making him cuter with those chubby cheeks.

His body size is still small despite after all these years that have passed, he should be 15 years old now. Reminded by the lack of shoes on his feet makes me nervous. I start to wonder about the possibility of him being mistreated again.

Before I could get a word out, someone yelled.

“Cody!”

I turn around to the source of the sound and see a man walking behind us. This random man seems to be showing off his muscle by walking without a shirt on. All he has is a pair of three-quarter camouflage pants on and no shoes too. I am not sure where he came from and it felt as if he just appeared out of nowhere.

I turn to look at Cody and notice that he was shivering as if scared of this man. Immediately, I take a protective stance and place myself between Cody and this random man to act as a barrier.

When he reaches close enough to me, I notice that he is much bigger than me and his muscles look well toned. This can mean that this guy can crush me with just a hand. His entire being is screaming out an aura of dominance that shakes me but I have abandoned Cody once. I don’t want to back down. I will do my best to protect Cody if this guy is treating him harshly.

The random man looks down on me as I am a head shorter than him. His eyes are staring straight into mine. Something about them screamed danger. He’s like a predator watching its prey jumping about on their own but I brace myself and stand firm.

“Who are you?” I asked him.

He furrows his brows before he throws the question back to me. “I should be the one asking you, who the fxck are you?!”

“That’s none of your business and keep your voice down. You’re scaring him,” By him, I meant Cody.

He glances at Cody then back to me. I can see anger swelling in him as he lifts his arm. I am not sure what he is trying to do but I am prepared to defend myself if he is going to attack me.

As we’re both about to engage in aggression, Cody suddenly jumps off the swing and sprint away, I try to look where he ran too but I couldn’t find his figure at all. When I turned around to look at the random man once more, he had disappeared. I realised that I am now alone in the park.

It made me think whether I imagined the whole thing due to my guilt.

Unable to understand what had happened to me, I walked away from the park and headed back to the rough direction where I came from earlier.

The dark sky along with the sound of thunder signifies that the rain is about to fall soon. I need to get back before I get drenched and everyone starts looking for me.

My journey back ends up with me pausing halfway because I seem to hear thumping in the woods. Instantly, my mind goes back to Cody and worries that he is getting beaten up there. I rush inside while trying to maintain stealth. I don’t want to alarm whoever is making those noises.

When I walk closer and my view is no longer obstructed by the leaves, I see Ryan punching a tree to the point of bleeding. At this point, I decided that I no longer want to get closer. I rather walk away instead.

Whatever issues he got, I don’t want to deal with it but my feet betrayed me in the end. The sound of the rustling of the leaves alerted Ryan of my presence. Our eyes met and he appeared crazed. He doesn’t seem to know that I am there despite looking straight at me.

My position has been exposed. It would be rude if I walk away without saying anything. I walk to him but maintain some distance between us because I don’t like the look in his eyes. I don’t want to be his punching bag.

The distance between the two of us right now is just five steps away. Close enough to talk properly but not enough for him to assault me.

Seeing his haggard face reminds me of the conversation I have with my mother in the car as we were heading to the funeral. Mrs Roberts who passed away today was a dear friend of hers but despite shedding tears for her friend she didn’t stop worrying about Ryan. It seems that Mrs Roberts took Ryan under his wings for some reason after his parents gave up on him due to some matters.

Once I noticed he had regained consciousness of the surroundings, I asked him, “Are you okay?” in a voice that’s audible for both of us.

He doesn’t respond but instead starts to lean back on the tree and slides down to the ground. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter from his pockets then proceeds to light the cigarette while blood is still dripping from his knuckles.

I sigh and take off my tie. I don’t want to see anyone bleeding in front of me. Not after I made my resolve earlier. For some reason, I understand exactly what he had done before my presence interrupted him. He must have been trying to channel his emotions onto something. It is a destructive way of showing it.

I move slowly to him. He glances at me but I guess he feels like it's best to pretend I didn’t exist. I take that as an okay for me to approach him.

After reaching right in front of him, I crouch down and reach out for his bleeding hand. He doesn’t put up a fight as I pull his hand towards my torso. I take my time in wrapping it up so I can do it as carefully as I can. The reason I can even bandage someone right now is that I have always done for myself with whatever cloth I had.

“Something is different about you,”

When Ryan spoke, I got startled and at that moment his eyes laid on mine, I felt like he could see deeper than the surface. The thought that appeared scared me a little. I immediately rise up but before I can walk away, Ryan grabs my wrist.

“What are you doing?” I ask in annoyance.

“Why are you running away?” Instead of answering, he asked another question.

“I wasn’t trying to run away,” I denied his accusation but he continues to look at me with scrutiny.

“Let go of me,” When he didn’t say anything or release me, I snapped at him.

He releases my hand slowly but his words made me pause, “You never snapped at me before but these days it feels like you have a stick up your ass,”

“I don’t have a stick up my-,”

“You’re you but at the same time, you’re not. You weren’t supposed to know how to bandage someone. It’s scary to see how smoothly you can now. It kind of makes me sad,”

I don’t respond as I know I am not the person everyone is looking for because he is gone. I don’t know if it is for good or it is temporary. Even reading the books Elaine recommended could make me feel a deep sense of sadness. Wondering if he still wants me to do something for him. Something he wants me to help him fulfil it so I could completely take over his body.

Do I want his body and his life though? 

I keep having these negative thoughts. Not knowing who I am or why I am here. It feels like I am wandering aimlessly.

Is it okay for me to be here?

I know this is exactly the life I have always wanted but I don’t want to take it from someone else. It makes me feel like I am just an outsider looking into a beautiful window.

My train of thoughts gets broken off as something drops onto my head. I look up to check what it was but I don’t see anything. When I touch the top of my head, a small part of it is wet now. 

The sky is dark and the cold wind blows. It’s a sign that it will rain any minute now. We need to go back to the cemetery or find shelter from the rain.

I look back to Ryan and realises that he has his head down. I am not sure if he is awake or not.

“Ryan,” I spoke his name and it felt awkward.

I try to approach him but that’s when I realise he is crying. I can see droplets of tears falling to his suit. I reach out my hands but his voice stops me.

“Go,” He mumbles while his breathing becomes heavier.

“It’s going to rain soon,” I remind him.

“GO!”

His sudden outburst takes me by surprise. This time he is looking at me and his eyes are red. He flings his arms and yells once more.

I quickly take my leave.

He doesn’t want me to be there and I don’t want to stay either. I don’t feel good getting yelled at but I’m too lazy to argue with him. He is a big man. He should know how to get back on his own.

As I walk away, I realise I don't really know the direction back to the cemetery. It doesn’t stop me from walking because I need shelter and right now, I don’t see anything that can be made into one.

It has been too much of an emotional rollercoaster lately and currently, having to look for a shelter from the rain starts to feel tiring.

I start slowing down my pace and walk instead in hope to calm all these complex emotions brewing inside me. After calming down my emotions, my body feels tired. It doesn’t feel like I had enough rest at all.

I walk without thinking much about my surroundings and I think that is where my mistake lies. I notice there are a few cars parked on the side. It feels like the cemetery should be nearby since I notice a few familiar vehicles.

The first car I would be passing by on this row of parked cars is a black van. The whole window is tinted and it’s not turned on. I assume that there is no one inside it and did not bother to think further. I walk by without caring too much as I just want to get back home as soon as I can.

The moment my body becomes parallel to the door of the van, it slides open and a group of people in masks grabs me. They cover my mouth and pull me inside quickly. It didn’t take them more than a few seconds for them to do that.

Once I am inside and the van’s door is closed, they start the van and drive away. I try my best to struggle but someone knocks my head and everything immediately turns to black.