“Hospital”

Time moves slowly when you are left alone with your thoughts.

The noisy voices that constantly buzz in my head are quiet today. It feels weird not having anything to fill the empty space. It makes me wonder where all of them have escaped to. It’s as if they overflowed then tipped to one side where they rush away like a stream and disappear into nothingness.

I should be happy that there is nothing to scream at me but the silence is scaring me. It makes me feel small. It makes me feel empty. It makes me feel alone...

My mind has constantly been busy with a lot of things before this. It feels like a smokescreen covering the mess that is inside me. Right now, there isn’t any distraction for me and all the false pretence has been shed away. 

I am forced to face the ugly truth that is me.

I’ve been trying to escape this feeling. I’m scared of myself. The emptiness tells me that there is no one out there that can help me. I don’t want to be this way but I can’t help it… and it makes me feel like it's my fault.

I know that I am being unreasonable but I can’t help it.

There isn’t anything to do other than to stare out the window. The blue sky is so bright that it hurts when I feel this way. It makes me feel like I’m mad at the world for no reason.

My tears start falling and I don’t even know the reason why. That makes it hurt even more.

I can’t seem to stop them nor can I grasp the words that try to form in my mind.

It makes it harder to speak about it. I don’t know who to talk to and how to tell them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I do know that I don't like this feeling at all.

I press my hand on my heart trying to feel it beating. It feels like there isn’t anything there so I pressed hard looking for it. Just so I can make sure that I’m still alive despite feeling nothing while my tears continue to flow.

“Luke, are okay?” Abby rushed into my ward without a hint when she had arrived. She drops the bag in her hand to the ground.

She pulls me into her embrace.

“What’s wrong?” She asks softly but I don’t know how to answer her. I end up clinging to her while crying my heart out.

She rubs my back while continuously telling me that she is there for me.

After what feels like a long time, I finally calmed down. Abby slowly lets go of me to look at me. She wipes my tears away with her fingers. Then, she sits on the chair situated next to my bed.

The two of us don't speak. I look down and play with my fingers. Trying to sort my emotions.

Abby just sits there looking at me before her phone starts vibrating and she turns her focus there. That’s when I take a close look at her. Her hair tied back into a ponytail which reveals her face to the fullest. I can see dark circles under her eyes. Her skin looks slightly dull.

“You look terrible,” I say hoarsely.

Abby lifts her gaze off the phone and to me before turning to pour some water for me. “I could say the same about you,” She replied lightly.

The two of us let out a soft laugh. Abby puts her phone away as if to show her attention is completely on me.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t visit for so long. I just found out,” She apologised with her lace with remorse.

“It’s alright. I know you have been busy,”

She hasn’t come around to see me these days but many have told me the reasons for that. I’m not mad because it seems to be important to her. I didn’t want to disturb her but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.

She has been a good friend since day one I got into this body. I realised now that the connections I have is because of him but the relationship I grow is mine.

Abby grabs my hand and looks at me with her tired eyes. Her face is serious.

“I thought I was going to lose another friend,”

She plops her head onto the bed. Her voice muffled but I can still hear it, “I was so scared when I heard that you’re in the hospital,”

Seeing her act this way makes me feel sad but it also shows me that she values her friends. I’m grateful for this because it makes me believe that I have a friend in her.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“NO!” She immediately lifts her head and looks at me with disbelief. “Don’t apologise. You did nothing wrong… I was just worried about you,” Her voice trails off and then she grunts before dropping her head back.

My lips rise into an arc. Her genuine care makes me happy.

“I won’t leave you that easily,” I joked while silently making a small resolve. I have yet to discover the current meaning of my life. I don’t want to give it up yet and I… want to live properly.

After the whole incident, it makes me realise that this body might not be mine but the one that is feeling the pain is me. I’m the one living this current life in this body. I don’t want to pretend I don’t care because I do care.

The people around me might not see the true me but I can feel their genuine care for me. All the love and care that they give is mine. These are the things I didn’t have before and now that it’s here, I’m just grateful.

“I won’t let you leave me either. And no matter what happens… I will always be your friend,” Abby suddenly spoke up.

Her words startled me but they give me warmth. I smile at her and she returns me with one too.

“How’s your injury?” This time I see her examine my body with worry and curiosity mixed in them.

“It’s not too bad. The doctor says I can be discharged tomorrow,” I replied honestly.

Abby nods in understanding.

I didn’t want to worry her more because apparently, my wound is healing quite fast that it baffles Dr Caleb. I’m not too sure if that information is good or bad because Dr Caleb did ask a few questions. I ended up omitting certain things when replying to his questioning. I think he knows I’m holding back when answering but he didn’t pressure me into spilling it. 

That makes me glad that he’s my doctor. He might have noticed that I don’t like to be touched by men so he always makes the female nurses or doctor to help him out when it comes to physical contact. He reminds me of someone though.

Since I can’t remember who, I didn’t think too deeply about it because it probably is not too important right now.

As for my injuries, when I think back to that day, it still feels like a dream. I wasn’t entirely sure if my experience with the wolves was a daydream I created to cope with the situation.

This leads me into thinking about Ryan. I wonder if he saw the body of the dead grey wolf that day. I have been wanting to ask him but he hasn’t come around to the hospital ever since he dropped me here.

My father immediately grabbed Ryan to chat outside my ward when my parents arrived at the hospital after Ryan informed them. I couldn’t try to eavesdrop on their conversation because my mother's big reaction scared me. She cried and hugged me that day and I had to console her instead.

It’s been two days and not once did he come by after my parents took over the situation.

“What are you thinking about?” Abby tilts her head while her hand pauses from peeling an apple. I was too absorbed in my thoughts that I did not realise when she started peeling the fruit.

“Ryan,” I didn’t want to lie to Abby so I told her the truth apprehensively.

Abby's face immediately changes from smiling to a frown, “I don’t understand what is it about him that’s even attractive. Is it his bad boy vibe? Do you like bad boys?”

I sort of knew that Abby would react this way but her barrage of question makes me a little speechless.

Her facial expression slowly softens and she continues, “I don’t like the fact that you’re getting closer to him but if you want to be friends with him, that’s your choice. I won’t stop you. I just want to remind you to be careful,”

I nod to show that I understand. She warned me about him previously and maybe there is a reason for that. Our first meeting didn’t go so well.

I remember that he dragged me to that luxurious building. He was expecting something from me back then. It is as if he wants me to remember something. That day did give me a bad impression of him. I don’t even know when I start to feel okay with him.

Maybe my impression of him got better on that day when he walked out of that bushes and carried me away. Maybe it was earlier but I really don’t know.

Abby's phone interrupts my thinking. She shows me that someone is calling her then walks out of the ward. The split moment before she turns around, I can see that she is reluctant to pick up the phone.

I grab the apple that she has peeled and cut. I ate a few before Abby walked back into the room.

“I have to go now. Remember, you can always call me. Even if I’m busy, I will make time for you,” Abby looked straight into my eyes to show that she is serious about this.

Then she proceeds to pack her bags and places the fruits she bought neatly at a reachable spot for me. I continue to look at her before I start to say,

“Abby, I’ll try to take care of myself better from now on. Don’t worry too much about me and focus on yourself. You also need to take care of yourself,”

Abby paused and went for a hug. She thanked me and left after we both said our quick goodbye. Her figure walking out my door looks straight and firm contrasting her tired face.

The room is now empty but the conversation I had with Abby felt like it filled my heart a little.

I try to lay down but someone knocks on my door. I turn to look at my new visitor without any expectation. When I realise it is the person I’ve been thinking of is right there, I could feel the heat on my cheeks.

“Can I come in?” Ryan leans to the ward’s door while waiting for my answer.

I nod and tell him to come in because there isn’t any reason for me to not let him. He walks in with slow and steady steps.

“How are you feeling?” He asks as he pulls the chair to sit next to me. He widens the gap a little so the distance between us is appropriate. That little gesture somehow makes me feel glad that he’s being thoughtful.

“I’m okay, I guess,”

The two of us fall into silence. He doesn’t seem to want to speak yet as his attention turns to the fruits inside the bowl Abby placed a moment ago.

“Abby was here?” He asked after staring at it for a while.

“Yes, she was. Did you want to see her?” I ask without thinking deeply.

He turns to look at me with a complicated expression before replying, “No, it’s probably best that we missed each other. Else, it would be hard for me to get into your ward,”

I can’t find any words to refute him because Abby would probably stop him from going in. Despite the fact that she said it’s okay, that doesn’t mean she is completely okay with it. Especially since she felt that Ryan is responsible for the previous disaster that had happened to her friend.

“Sorry,” I felt like I needed to apologise because she is my friend and she’s just putting my best interest first.

“It’s fine. She never liked me from the start,”

This makes us fall into another silence.

“Ryan,” I call him out while trying to decipher his every microexpression.

Not that I can catch any. “That day…,” I trail off without knowing how to start.

“What’s up?” He asked, looking confused.

I’m not sure whether he will think I’m crazy or agrees with me but I don’t want to keep thinking about it.

“That day you found me… Did you see a dead grey wolf’s body?” I ask without changing my expression to show him I’m not making a joke.

Our gaze meets and it feels like time stops for a moment. I don’t know but I can feel I’m unintentionally holding my breath. His face doesn’t seem to reveal much right now.

I’m a little worried that he might think I’m hallucinating.

“No. I didn’t notice because I was focused on you,”

His response startled me. It sounds weird but at the same time it makes perfect sense. I was injured that day and he had been looking for me the whole time. It’s not weird at all that his attention would be on me.

However, why does it make me feel like these words insinuate something else? I’m probably overthinking it.

Plus, his response makes me realise nobody can answer me whether or not all of my experience that day is real or not. That frustrates me a little but I can’t be mad at anyone because it's nobody’s fault.

“Anyway, did uncle tell you what’s up yet?” Ryan smoothly changes the topic and I believe the uncle he is talking about is my father.

“Tell me what?”

Ryan sighs and ruffles his hair before grunting. “He didn’t say anything?”

Now it’s my turn to be confused. The last I’ve seen my father was two days ago when I was first admitted into the hospital. The one that has been accompanying me since is my mother. I’m not mad that he hasn’t visited because he has been busy with work. I didn’t dwell on it all that much either.

Ryan stares at me for a while as if trying to gauge my brain.

He looks like he is about to say something before a knock on the door interrupts us. A stranger stands by the door and looks at the two of us.

“Am I interrupting something?” He asks.

Ryan got off his chair to face him and replied, “No, you got here in time,” Ryan gestures to him to come inside.

The man walks in and stands where I can get a closer look at him. He does have a slight oppressive vibe but right now, his face has softened. It makes him feel approachable.

I turn to look at Ryan with the obvious question written on my face.

“This is Do-Hyun. He will be your personal bodyguard from now on,” Ryan introduced him to me with a tone that shows his familiarity with this man.

Do-Hyun nods his head when he is introduced but doesn't add anything else to it.

I kind of wanted to refute my need for a bodyguard but seeing my mother’s intense reaction when she found out I was almost taken has made those words stuck in my throat. Ryan seems to be able to feel my apprehension about having a bodyguard because he soon followed up by saying,

“He’s a good friend of mine and not much of a talker. You won’t even notice him around,”

I mean, it's not like I can say anything or reject it. The way that everything has been done shows that there isn’t any room for negotiation. There’s no reason for me to go against their decision either.

“Uncle said that it's best that you have someone around you because he is working on something right now. That makes you a target too,” He explains further.

It seems like both my father and Ryan know the reason behind my kidnapping.

“Target? Why would I be a target?” I probe for an answer.

I’ve been in the hospital for many days and no one has told me the situation. I can’t ask my mother because she was emotional and I don’t want to put that pressure on her. She probably wouldn’t want to tell me either because she wouldn’t want to scare me.

Ryan is probably the only person that can provide me with more hints in regards to it all. At least give me some sort of insights into this.

“It has something to do with your father’s work. You don’t have to think about it too much. For now, just rest,”

Even Ryan is brushing me off. I don’t like this but it's not like I can force them to tell me. The whole conversation isn’t a total bust either because I have somewhere to start. That also means that things are about to get more complicated.

“Anything else you want to ask me?” Ryan snaps me off from my thoughts. I look at him blankly before shaking my head.

“I have to go now. Do-Hyun will hang around your ward from now on. You don’t have to be worried about anything,”

Now it just feels like Ryan is being evasive for some reason. Must be something else he is holding back. Also, it doesn’t make sense that Ryan is the one that introduced Do-Hyun to me.

Shouldn’t my father do this? 

If not my parents, Abby would be more appropriate. Somehow I also feel that Ryan's attitude to me has changed. It feels like something is different but I can’t put my finger to it yet.

Ryan said goodbye and left the room without saying anything else. 

When I came to realise my surroundings, I’m already alone in the room. Another realisation hits me. I barely sense Do-Hyun’s presence in the room and it felt like Ryan was the only one there with me.

I’m pretty sure he’s there but now he’s not.

It makes me feel a little trippy. It must be the medicine…

I slide down and properly lay on the bed. I look up the ceilings while trying to wrap my head around things. I can feel a headache coming and decide to sleep it off. Let’s think about it tomorrow.