“Assignment”

“How are you feeling today?” Dr Philipps asks to start the session.

As I use my eyes to explore the room, I reply half-heartedly. “Okay, I guess,” I don’t even look at him as my eyes continue to wander without care.

“Mind sharing your thoughts with me?”

My eyes instantly dart back to him and notice he has an inquisitive expression. I stare for a moment without saying anything. My mind is rumbling yet empty.

“There’s a lot and nothing at the same time,” The silence that hangs in the air for a little too long finally breaks.

Today is my second time coming here to see him. It’s not like I don’t understand that the sessions are good for me but when I can’t even form the words inside my head, it feels hard. I want to share my thoughts but the words clutter then disappear when they are about to form.

“I heard you had an incident recently. Would you like to share that with me?” His soothing voice and question redirect my messy thoughts to that day.

The imagery instantly turns vivid as if I’m experiencing it again. It’s hard to say that I wasn’t bothered by it at all.

Ever since coming back from the hospital, I start getting nightmares. It’s always the same one. In the dream, I kept seeing myself running through the woods. As my legs ran, I would look behind me once in a while.

Each time I wake up, I end up drenched in cold sweats. I’m not even sure if I was running away from the kidnappers or something else entirely. It always leaves me feeling unsettled and displaced throughout the day.

Dr Phillips doesn’t push me to speak while I’m gathering my thoughts together. I take my time in trying to explain to him but I know I will stumble with my words as I talk. 

When I wasn’t sure where to start, I decided to start from the beginning. I briefly mentioned going to the funeral and the fact that I was uncomfortable with being there.

At first, I was worried that he would ask for my reasons but he didn’t. He kept on listening to me and even when I went silent, he didn’t add anything else. I was able to proceed with my story despite feeling cautious because of that.

When it comes to telling him about Cody, I only vaguely mention it. I told him that I saw an old friend and that’s pretty much it. It still felt like I was hallucinating about the conversation I had at the park. It felt real but at the same time, their disappearance within a moment of distractions makes me feel unsettled.

I moved onto telling him about finding Ryan at the edge of the woods. We had a short conversation before Ryan lashed out at me. I didn’t feel like pushing it and since it was going to rain, I left.

When I’m about to talk about what happened after, the words got stuck in my throat. I truly didn’t think that the incident bothered me too much but apparently, it did have a big impact. I start to feel uncomfortable to the point Dr Phillips noticed.

“Take your time,”

He pours some water and places the cup right in front of me. I take a deep breath and reach for the cup to take a sip. My hand is shaking as I hold onto the cup. I keep on drinking until there’s no more left and I feel calmer to continue.

“I don’t really remember what happened after that but when I woke up, I heard them arguing. It felt like at that moment it was a sign that I have a chance to escape… It’s either do or die,” My thought process was straightforward and I didn’t think a lot of things through.

All I wanted was to escape because I didn’t want to be inside another cage. I didn’t want to go through the same thing all over again. Putting my own life at the hand of someone else.

Never again.

When I ran out into the woods that day, I was so scared they were going to catch me. It reminded me of the time I ran away from the orphanage. I was so desperate for freedom but that freedom was short-lived. I ended up jumping from one cage to another. It felt like I was just changing owners.

I realise that I’m scared that everything that I’m experiencing right now is a lie. Everything could be an illusion I created while I’m sleeping inside that dirty small bedroom. Maybe I might wake up one day and find myself there again.

I’m scared that it will happen for real.

When Dr Phillips passes me the tissue, that’s when I realise that I’m crying. My body is shaking with fear but I can’t stop.

I feel the need to explain my reaction but my brain comes up empty. I can barely breathe properly but I try to gather up my courage and say the words that form inside my mind,

“I feel like my past was going to catch up to me.”

Those words seem to summarise everything for me yet not explaining anything at all.

I wonder if I even deserve all of these. Replacing someone and taking their life… but I do know that I… don’t want to go back.

It’s selfish, I know but can’t I have a good life too?

I slowly calm down and wipe my tears away.

Before I know it, my session has ended.

Dr Phillips told me by learning the reason for my fear and sadness can help me move forward as I learn to accept these emotions are a part of me and they are there to help me understand myself better. He gave me a few suggestions to try at home. He hopes that I would be able to see through them and that we will see each other in the next session. 

Keeping a journal and noting down my activities are one of the things he suggested. I’m already doing it but only occasionally. It doesn’t hurt to increase the frequency, I guess.

 

I left Dr Phillips office building while feeling complicated. It’s hard to say whether or not talking to him helped me. I just feel like there are so many things I want to express but I can’t after considering my situation.

I also realise that I barely speak about the later part. The parts I’m not sure if it’s true or not. Ryan was there but he said he didn’t see it. I’m not sure if I believe him when I think it through. It’s hard to say but all I can do for now is drop it.

The car is moving at a constant speed while my gaze remains on the outside of the window. My parents are busy today so only Do-Hyun accompanied me to Dr Phillips’ office. It’s true that he barely has any presence because most times I feel like I am alone. I only remembered his existence because he is the one driving the car right now. 

It shows that Ryan didn’t lie to me.

It's not like I’m saying that he isn’t trustworthy but it’s more like everything just went on without the need for my opinion. It feels like everyone is deciding everything for me. At least I don’t have to acknowledge Do-Hyun if I don’t want to do so.

As my eyes refocus on the scenery outside, I catch a glimpse of familiar red hair.

“STOP THE CAR!” I scream while trying to get out of the car.

Do-Hyun probably sees my reckless behaviour and immediately slows down. I jump out of the car the second I manage to unlock it to chase after the fleeting figure despite the car is still moving.

There’s a crowd of pedestrians on the street since it is lunchtime and it is slightly hard for me to run through them. It doesn’t take long before I realise that I ran for a block while passing through the crowd. 

I stopped right in front of the building that I need to be but I wasn’t able to catch the person I saw a moment ago.

“Luke?” A familiar voice sounded and I turned around to look at them.

Disappointment is written clearly on my face before I readjusted myself and show a smile.

“Hi,”

“Are you alright? Did you run all the way here? I thought someone would be driving you here today,” Sam asked with concern.

“Uh-,”

“Nevermind that. Let’s go in. I bought some lunch. Join me if you haven’t eaten yet. There’s plenty of food,” Sam gestures to me to follow him inside.

I nod before following him and we reach the place they always hang around. Sam starts putting out the food onto the table and passes one to me before going to knock at the door. Ian walks out and takes a seat.

The three of us eat silently with the occasional chatting that Ian and Sam have about their work. It has been a while since I started coming around here to learn from Sam but I still have yet to understand the nature of their work.

It must be the jargons that often throw me off.

Once we finished eating, Ian went back to work and disappeared behind the door. Sam cleans up while I take out the homework he gave me to complete previously. Studying isn’t too hard but there are a few things I don’t understand.

Sam doesn’t take too long to clean up. He immediately checks my work and after that, he explains the parts which I got the answer wrong. I attentively take note and he makes sure that I understand before going forward to the next thing questions.

When everything has been reviewed, Sam gave me a new set of questions to do.

“It’s not as thick as before,” I commented.

“That’s because you’ll be busy with something else,” He says as he hands out a different set of papers.

“These are examples of business plans and proposals. You need to have a look over them and then we can start talking about your extra credit work,”

I take them off his hand and flip through them. There are three different types of examples for both the business plan and proposals. I start to feel woozy from all the words written on it in the back of my mind.

“It’s fine if you don’t understand them yet. Use these as a guide and template because you will have to create your own,” Sam explains.

My eyes grew slightly bigger in shock since apparently, I have to create something similar to one of these stacks of papers.

“You have to decide on a company or organisation you would like to work with. I suggest non-profit organisation because they would be more accepting of students to propose a plan for them,”

I nod in understanding.

“Once you have decided on the organisation you would like to work with, I would explain more on how you can help them. You can take your time and think about it. Tell me your choice after three days so we can get started,”

Sam leaves me to do my homework since he has to work now.

I look at the business plan and start reading through them. Although I don’t fully comprehend them, the purpose of it can be understood. I also try my best to read the proposal examples and understand them. The words used in them have terms I don’t understand but the majority of them are pretty straightforward.

My mind starts thinking about the types of organisation I can choose as I’m reading the examples and somehow one word keeps popping up in my head.

Orphanage.

If I have the power to help an organisation, I want it to be an orphanage. I want the kids there to be able to have a good life and a good place to live. I don’t know if I could make a difference but with this opportunity, I could try.

When Sam walks out of the other room, I stop him to talk.

“Is it possible if it's an orphanage?” I ask with expectation.

Sam smiles and replies positively to me, “Yes, it’s definitely fine but you have to choose which one,”

I can feel my heart warming after hearing his reply. It’s something I feel that I’m doing for myself.

When I got back, the first thing I looked for was the orphanage I lived in previously. Despite doing a deep dive into the internet search, there is zero information on it as if it has disappeared entirely. I try to search the location but I can’t seem to remember. 

It does feel slightly odd because I would love to help the kids from my orphanage as I know things aren’t as they seem on the outside. However, I can’t find it at all. I had to drop it and look for a different one.

I spent two more days before I found the orphanage I wanted to help. I asked my father to give me a list of the operating orphanages in our city and compare them online. Most of them do have a presence and appear legitimate. 

On the other hand, there is one orphanage that doesn’t have any presence online. They don’t even have social media but they are officially registered. I’m not sure if they are still operational.

I want to go there and see for myself. I want to see the legitimacy of the orphanage and hope that it wasn’t like mine.

When I informed Sam that I want to visit the orphanage, he said that it’s best if he comes along. We ended up planning to go there the day after tomorrow so that he may contact them before we come to visit. 

Everything is fine until when the morning of the appointment comes along and I’m getting ready for the day, Sam sent a text message.

“I can’t make it but I asked someone else to join you in my stead. He often gets involved with NGOs”

Well, not having Sam is fine but it does feel like he isn’t allowing me to go there alone because I know I can do that.

I continue to freshen up and put on a collared shirt and style my hair to look smart. First impressions are important.

After having a proper breakfast, I can hear a car arrive at our front door. I walk out without considering the person Sam would send in his stead because I believe he would ask someone appropriate.

The word shock can’t fully describe my emotion when I walk out the front door. The glaring red car is back and this time it's waiting at the driveway.

Ryan leans on his car while smoking. When he realises I’m outside, he quickly finishes his cigarette and walks to me. His hands are in his pockets and he walks leisurely. His golden hair shines in the sun and his blue eyes are looking straight at me.

“Let’s go,” Instead of giving polite greetings like normal people, he opens with that the moment he reaches right in front of me.

“I’m going with you?” I look at him with disbelief. I’m truly confused because out of the many people I know and Sam knows, I have never expected Ryan to be his choice as a replacement.

“What? You don’t think I’d be here today? You can ask Sam for confirmation if you want. Doesn’t matter to me,” He arrogantly points at my phone with the face that insists I do it.

I’m not about to pretend that I accept he is my companion for today. Just because he found me in the woods doesn’t immediately change our relationship to be closer. To me, he still is barely an acquaintance and I’m not sure if I like him all that much. 

His attitude today also shatters the previous kindness he shows in the woods and the hospital. I believe this is his true personality and it doesn’t feel awkward at all compared to previously.

I openly call Sam and wait for him to pick up the phone.

When I hear the phone has been picked up, I immediately say. “Hello,”

Sam responds to me like he always does without any obvious change in tone.

“Is the person I’m going with today is… Ryan?” I ask hesitantly.

Sam sounds as if he finally realises the reason for my call and reassures me that Ryan is the person he sent to accompany me today. He also explains that Ryan often involves himself in charity work so he can help me gather the necessary information I need at the orphanage later.

After we both finished talking and hung up the phone, Ryan raised an eyebrow at me while smirking. That smile makes me want to punch him right in the face.

He doesn’t speak but uses his head as a gesture to follow him to the car. I reluctantly follow behind him. His broad back is in my view and despite having a lazy air, he walks with his back straight. It accentuates his broad shoulders and big stature. 

This is the first time I wasn’t forced to sit inside his car but rather entered it willingly because I don't think they would allow me to go to the orphanage without an escort. Everyone is probably slightly paranoid that I would get taken again.

Sitting in his car with the light scent of smoke mixed with cologne makes it have a masculine vibe to it. Anyone that gets in this car can tell almost immediately that it is owned by a man.

I glanced at Ryan and was able to see his side profile. He has a discernible face with his sharp nose and strong jaw. He turns to look at me and another smirk appears that makes me want to smack him so hard right now.

“Can’t get enough of this?” He teases.

I make a disgusted face before looking away. I can hear him snickers before driving the car at a shocking speed. My body slams onto the passenger’s seat and luckily they’re soft so I didn’t get hurt.

Ryan glances and sees my state. He laughs out loud without hiding it. That makes my dissatisfaction with him increase. The doubt I have about him rise to a new height. I still don’t understand him being Sam’s choice out of anyone else.

Ryan didn’t ask me the location of the place and it seems that I didn’t even need to tell him because it doesn’t take long before we reach there.

Despite him driving crazily fast, I didn’t feel motion sickness. The car was stable throughout the drive. I’m grateful for that because it would be too inappropriate for me to present myself while having the aftereffect of motion sickness.

I get out of the car and look at the building right in front of me. Their signboard seems to have faded in colour and you could barely make up the words written on it.

“White Orchid Home”

The name of the place fits as they’re surrounded by orchids.

The location of this orphanage is at the edge of the city and there is less bustle or residency in the area but there the land is vast and brimming with beautiful greenery growing on them.

The building doesn’t appear too old but the paint has faded and it doesn’t look too good. Even though I say so but the atmosphere that surrounds the place feels calm and soothing. As if there is a melody singing in the air and gently tickles the heart of the visitors.

It definitely has a good vibe. I didn’t regret coming here at all. 

The people inside must have noticed our presence because a woman walks out of the front door with a beaming smile.

“Sam?” She asks with a clear yet melodious tone in her voice.

Ryan steps forward and calmly introduces himself. His previous demeanour disappeared and it felt like he changed his skin. His attitude took a complete 180 degree.

“My name is Ryan. Sam couldn’t make it so he sent me instead. This is Luke and he’s the one who here to look around the place,” His words were concise and hid nothing.

The woman nods before responding, “Hello, my name is Sally. I will be guiding you today. It’s nice to meet you both.

Please come in,” She pushes the door wider to allow us to walk inside.

Ryan and I don’t remain awkwardly by the door and casually walk in. I manage to look around the surrounding of the front door before walking inside.

The interior of the building ages more than the exterior but it feels warm and cosy. It is neither uncomfortable nor comfy enough to live. It reaches a strange middle ground where it is liveable.

“Our building might be old but we maintain it quite well. It would be nice if we are able to renovate it but the problem is that we are low on funds and we don’t have a place to temporarily let the children stay,” Sally explains patiently.

She doesn’t appear to be offended as I look around the place with evaluating eyes.

She guides us to walk forward and Ryan gestures at me to walk with her. I awkwardly take a step forward and walk next to her while Ryan follows behind us.

It doesn't take a few steps forward before something bumps into my leg and stops me from moving. When I look downwards, I see a whorl of blonde hair. The owner of the hair doesn’t keep me guessing before looking up at me and reveals beautiful blue eyes.

I was stunned to see such a beautiful child and he reminds me of…

Ryan.