Chapter 13
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"Destination"

 

I fall to the ground.

I look up to see the shadowy figure. The morning sun is shining from behind him thus temporarily blinding me.

Do-Hyun reaches his hand out to me to pull me back up on my feet. I shake my head and get up on my own. He doesn’t insist. I notice that he has a subtle smile on his face because I proved his point.

Fine. I admit it.

I have a bad balance. He doesn’t even need to do anything and I already topple over. All he needs is one finger and blaming the wind doesn’t work because there is only a gentle breeze right now.

 

When I woke up in bed earlier, I felt a wave of tiredness washing over me. My body refused to roll out of the bed. My chest felt tight like there was a giant weight resting on it. It even felt hard to breathe.

The silence in the room was deafening. If it weren’t for the fact there was a subtle sound coming from my window, I probably wouldn’t have left my bed at all.

The window was slightly ajar hence allowing the sound to flow into my room.

I pushed my body off the bed as curiosity got the better of me and I walked to the window to check the source of the sound. From there, I saw Do-Hyun training all the other guards of the house. They were warming up and later started sparring one to one. 

Whenever they chose him to spar, he always had the upper hand against each of them. None of them was able to counterattack. At some point, two even tried to attack him all at once but he managed to deflect both of their attacks.

After I watched Do-Hyun and the others train for some time, it made me want to move my body. Maybe that was a good way to start my day so I went down and approached Do-Hyun when they appeared to have finished their morning exercise.

Do-Hyun was surprised by my request but he didn’t reject me. I was grateful for that.

 

“You shouldn’t be distracted. Even when you’re on safe ground,”

Do-Hyun gives me a brief lecture on awareness of my surroundings. I listen while distractedly pat my body to get rid of the dust. He isn’t amused by my action so I slowly stop and stand to attention.

It is a good thing he relaxes as soon as he sees me listening to him properly. This means I won’t be getting into trouble.

“Now we can do light exercises that help improve your flexibility and balance,”

He starts showing me a set of movements to follow and explains the right posture for each of them. I can easily follow him to recreate the movement but he nitpicks on my posture a lot. I try to adjust them based on his comments but that makes my body harder to balance.

It’s weird. A small shift can make it feel harder than it looks.

Do-Hyun reminds me to be aware of my breath. He makes me feel every small detail on my body. I have to be aware of the inside and outside of my body as I am doing each set of movements.

It doesn’t feel like I’m doing a lot but as it accumulates, I can feel it throughout my body. There’s a flow of energy flowing inside me. Filling every corner of my body. It doesn’t hurt but I wobble each time I find myself making small adjustments when I feel awkward.

Sweats start forming and my breathing is getting heavier. Do-Hyun tells me to calm my breathing. Take my time for each breath that I take. He doesn’t stop when he sees me struggling but continues to proceed while I mimic his movements.

He makes it appear effortless. Yet, as I’m doing these, I know it takes a whole lot of effort.

“Let’s stop here,”

The moment I hear him saying that I want to plop on to the ground but Do-Hyun's next words stop me on my track.

“Don’t sit. Let’s walk,” He doesn’t spare any extra words to convey his meaning. His words are always straight to the point.

I groan but I still put one foot in front of the other. We start walking at a slow pace.

At this time, I realise the scenery has turned brighter and beautiful. The lush greenery sways with the gentle wind blow. Dancing to the melody of the wind. The wind lightly caresses my cheek. The feeling I have right now is a lot like being hugged by nature. Everything appears different to me.

My mind is awake and peaceful. It makes me happy to see the flower bushes planted along the way. Their colours are vibrant under the soft morning sun. My heart feels warm despite being brushed by the cool wind once in a while.

I just realised that I have made a full circle around the house. It didn’t feel like it at all.

My grumbling stomach reminds me that I have not eaten and that I have walked far enough. I thank Do-Hyun for today and say that I want to do this every day. Again, Do-Hyun didn’t outright reject me. I’m taking his silence as agreeing because I think I need this. Moving my body every day might help me feel better.

 

Breakfast tastes good after exerting your energy. It doesn’t take long for me to finish it either.

I go back to my room and sit down at the desk. My mind turns up blank so I start to re-evaluate myself as it is part of the exercise Dr Phillips gave me. I brace myself to dive deep into my emotions. I try to understand why I have felt the way I did when I woke up.

I open my journal and read briefly through my emotions and then I start jotting down the way I felt in the morning alongside the effort I made to remove myself from that feeling. While trying to acknowledge it, I have a subtle feeling of loss.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am. Everyone around me doesn’t see me for me.

I’m always saying this. How long am I going to repeat it?

This cycle feels vicious and never-ending.

I get up from the chair as a way to abruptly remove myself from these thoughts. The chair collapses behind me. It seems like my movement of rising off it has made it tipped backwards.

I look at it and the memory of a familiar bar appears. I once tipped a barstool over back in the past. Instead of scolding me, he laughed. I can feel a small smile forming as I recall the memory.

I tap on my phone to check the clock and realise it is still early. I can go there when it is closer to the evening.

I nod to myself as I lift the chair back. After sitting back down, I set the alarm to 4 PM. As I’m doing it, I remember that Ryan has sent me the recording that he took during the visit yesterday.

This reminds me of the orphanage and I need to decide if I should go with it or not. Beautiful starry blue eyes pop up in my mind. I know I could never say no to those innocent eyes. 

Besides, the orphanage has a good system but they don’t have a lot of exposure. That makes it harder for potential adopters to approach them. I want to help them out. I want to know more about how I can help them.

This means that it’s time for me to transcribe the recording. I should at least get this done and start sorting out all the information. It would be best if I can thoroughly understand and present my findings to Sam.

In order to have a good transcribe session, I use the laptop to listen and type the conversation they have in regards to the orphanage. The sound is clear enough for it to be coherent and it makes me wonder where he put the phone in the first place to achieve this. There are times when the voice is small though and I have to repeat the part until I believe I get it right. 

The questions Ryan asks are concise and informative. He made Sally explain about the orphanage not as a whole but in a detailed manner. This makes me feel like Ryan is quite talented in this area but whenever I look at him, he feels like he is just there floating with a piece of driftwood.

Time passes and I stop for lunch because transcribing seems to be using up my energy too.

When I sit back down onto the chair, I start the recording as usual.

“You’re quite good looking. Are you single?”

My typing pause and I realise that it’s Sally’s voice. The recording continues since I have not touched it.

“No. I’m with him,” 

My mind turns blank. He was the one who led her to believe that we’re together!

But… why?

He makes no sense and I don’t know what he is trying to achieve here. I’m not sure if I even hate it which makes it all the more confusing to me.

I shake off these thoughts and rewind the recording since they continued to talk about the important topic as if the previous topic never came up. Each time I rewind to hear better, I keep restarting at that part. 

I can feel the heat coming up my face but I try my best to play it cool even though I’m all alone. I even use the breathing technique Do-Hyun taught me to calm myself down. It helps a little and slowly I become more and more focused. I quickly type all the information I need so I can move on to a further less distracting discussion.

The alarm rings but I turn it off. I’m almost done with it and I don’t want to put it off for another day. I quickly finish up what I can and quickly stop the recording when they stop talking about the orphanage.

The last thing I heard was her asking him how long we’ve been together. I slam my face onto the keyboard as I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks again. I wish there is a hole somewhere to bury myself in because this makes me feel embarrassed.

I decide to put these thoughts aside and rush to the bathroom. The shower will cool my head and I can immediately head out.

 

Luckily, I’m not restricted from going outside. I just have to make sure that Do-Hyun can follow at all times. It’s a privilege I get for allowing Do-Hyun to shadow me around. Then again, there is no use hiding from him. There have been more than a couple of times I thought I shook him off but he would pop up right behind a door somewhere.  

If he doesn’t work as a bodyguard, he makes a good reporter. He has this vibe where he can probably uncover all the skeletons in your closet.

I shudder at the thought.

I go downstairs and report to Do-Hyun the exact location I want to go to today. The two of us ride the car I recognise since I’m always riding it these days. 

However, Do-Hyun doesn’t drive and instead, one of the guards I saw earlier in the morning now sits behind the steering wheel. I’m not sure why but I don’t question it.

The drive felt smooth for quite a while until Do-Hyun said something. The car goes into a road that is bustling and lively. I start to be weirded out as they both have created an atmosphere full of strange tension.

“What is going on?”

Do-Hyun turns to me with his body hidden behind the passenger’s seat next to the driver.

“Whatever happens from now on, you listen to me, okay?”

My face shows obvious confusion but Do-Hyun firmly repeats, “Okay?!”

I nod out of shock and he starts telling me to put on a seatbelt. He also says that I should lower myself so I’m not visible through the car window. I slide down and sit lazily before putting on the seatbelt. The posture is awkward for me but Do-Hyun seems to be satisfied with my action.

His head disappears from my view while the car starts swerving. I hold on tight to keep myself stable and do my best to be comfortable. It’s really hard to maintain a slouching manner on the seat while the car is swaying.

From my angle, the view I can see makes me realise that we are a few streets away from my destination. Even so, with the way things are going on right now, it feels too far away. The one day I finally have time to go is often the day everything will happen.

This feels like Fate is playing a cruel joke on me. It feels like the entire world is against me.

Right now I can hear Do-Hyun dialling someone and after a few rings, there is a deep voice coming out from the receiver. Do-Hyun doesn’t wait until the voice finishes talking before telling whoever is behind the call, he needs backup.

He reports his location and it makes me realise we are one street away from my destination.

“Sir, should I go on a road that has fewer cars?” The driver asked Do-Hyun while maintaining a crazy speed.

The car isn’t made to drive fast so it isn’t as comfortable as riding in Ryan’s car. I can feel each turns that the car takes and the feeling of nausea slowly building up inside me.

“No. That would put all of us in danger. Judging by their custom-built car, there are high possibilities that they are armed. Right now, they won’t open fire because there are people around us and surveillance.

Just as I try to make sense of the things around me, something rams into the car. The car didn’t flip over but we definitely slid across the road. It makes me feel momentarily disoriented. I peek outside and see several cars have been involved in the accident.

It doesn’t look like the chaser is the one that rams onto my car because there aren’t any shady people coming out of it to check on the situation. Still, I can barely wrap my head around the situation. It is a good thing that there aren’t a lot of wrecked cars as ours is the one that has it the worst but so far none of us is injured.

Amidst the chaos, the loud sound of siren echoes in the air. Do-Hyun vigilantly looks around and he finally steps out of the car and opens the door where I’m situated.

“Are you okay?”

I stare at him blankly not knowing what happened.

“You’re safe now. When the paramedic gets here, let's have them check you up,”

“NO,” I scream and startle myself along with Do-Hyun.

It seems like he immediately realises that I’m not in the right state of mind.

It’s true. I feel really tired. This is my second time facing a life-threatening moment and it can be overwhelming. I don’t want to pretend I’m fine because I know I’m not. I’m tired of this.

Each time I try to seek answers, something always stops me. Whoever is writing my life story must be having the time of their life.

I push Do-Hyun away as he is blocking the door and storms out of the car. Do-Hyun tries to stop me physically but I struggle hard from his grip which makes him let go. I don’t even look at his face as I walk away but I know he is following me.

I keep on walking further from the crash and leave everything to other’s to handle. I don’t need this right now nor do they need me there either. My mind is in chaos as I tell myself that I’m done. I am done with everything. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

I can’t. I just can’t.

 

“Luke!” 

Now I’m hearing things. I don’t understand the reason I need to put up with all the bullsht. I’m done. I’m done.

I wish it was a hallucination but it’s not. He’s right behind me trying to catch up. Who knows where Do-Hyun is now. Not that I care.

“Luke!!” Ryan tries to grab my hand but since Do-Hyun did the same thing earlier, I manage to deflect in time.

“Shut up! I’m not Luke and I don’t want to be Luke!!!” I scream at his face before crouching down and covering my face with my arms.

It’s embarrassing to break down in public but I just can’t. I’m done. It feels too much for me. I just want to go there. It’s so close but so far. I’m really tired and I want to go far far away from here.

“What are you saying…? What’s wrong?” The concern in his voice doesn’t sound fake but I don’t want to say anything. If I say something, I know I will break.

I rise from the ground and keep a straight face. I start walking despite his voice plaguing me from the back. So far he has not made any attempt to stop me.

Noticing that I’m in the familiar street, I walk in the direction I memorised. On the side, there is that shady hotel and a popular club not too far away. A 24hour convenience store a little further ahead.

I’m close… Realising that I am close makes me start to running there.

I can hear Ryan chasing after me but I ignore him. My heart is beating fast but I can’t stop. I won’t stop until I get there and right at this moment, no one can stop me from reaching there. I will get there. It’s so close I can feel it.

Fear is building up inside of me because I’m afraid this is all just a dream. It’s like a nightmare of chasing something but you can never keep up. It’s bad enough I often dream of being chased but some days the dreams converge. I would be running after something but then realising something is chasing me.

It’s really really tiring.

I stop when I reach it. The not so hidden stairs going downwards. It looks empty as always and partly due to the fact that they’re probably aren’t open yet. Even all the night shops nearby are during their preparation stage.

But I don’t care that it’s not open. I’m still going in.

I walk down the stairs and stop at the closed door. There is only a simple cursive sign posted on the door.

Ruby’s

 

I reach for the doorknob and slowly turn it. Hoping it’s not locked. When the knob gives in easily to me, I close my eyes with the hope that he is in there. I push it in slowly with fear that I will scare the person inside.

When the inside of the bar is exposed to me, I see the familiar red hair tied into a ponytail behind the counter as he wipes the newly washed glasses. 

He looks up when he senses my presence. He doesn’t seem surprised but instead, he gives me that familiar smile. Through that lightly shaded pink lips, he said,

“Evan?”

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