“Name”

 

My tears are falling down but I can’t stop it.

“Ma… Mama,”

He walks out of the counter and goes straight to me. He pulls me into his embrace and I just break. I can’t hold it in anymore.

The glass is full and has overflowed. I’m feeling too much. I’m hurting so much and seeing him again makes me just want to fall. He’s the only person that sees me as me and that makes me happy. So happy that I can’t hold back my tears anymore.

Just this once since I woke up, I’m not Luke. I’m me.

I feel so safe in his arms. My tears won’t stop and I don’t want to stop them either. For once I can break and not have to pick up my own pieces.

My sobbing gets harder and I can feel his hand rubbing my back. He says comforting words to soothe me.

I want to believe it when he tells me that I will be fine. It’s because he’s the only one that has known me from the start. The only person that knows me from the beginning.

I cling to him as much as I can because I’m afraid he will disappear. Making me think that everything is just a dream and turning my life into a nightmare. Fear is consuming me. Paralysing me at this moment. I want to move forward but I don’t know if I can because I don’t want to leave anymore.

Mama tells me to follow him to the sofa. He tries his best to bring me there despite my whole weight on him. Making it hard for him to walk. He takes his time in guiding me. Meanwhile, I’m making sure that my hand never lets go of him.

It is at this moment, I realise my deep dark fears. 

It’s myself. I’m afraid of myself.

It’s hard when you don’t know who you are and why you’re here. Wondering if there is any worth to you breathing and standing on this earth. Doubts pouring in like a storm. Fear creeping from behind, shadowing you like a hunter.

Sometimes you feel like you’re at the bottom of the ocean. Sometimes you feel like the world is collapsing… at least, you wish it would. And sometimes you wish that something would hit you and you die in an instant.

During those days, would always be the days that are the hardest to breathe. As if someone takes away your oxygen and allowing you to suffocate without closing any of your airways.

Yet, you’re still there. 

I’m still here.

Still alive. Still breathing.

Still here.

And that sucks.

 

“Let me bring you something to drink. What would you like? Juice?” Mama softly asks into my ears. Reminding me of the gentle breeze I felt in the morning.

“Make some milk tea. He likes that,” Ryan replies in a casual manner, showing intimacy between us.

Mama chuckles a little before responding back, “I have some tea leaves at the back. I’ll go make some,”

I try to cling to Mama’s shirt when he gets up to leave but he reassures me that he will come back. I really don’t want to let go but just this once, I know he will come back and I let him go.

He smiles before telling me once again that he will be right back. He walks out behind the door with an employee only sign.

Watching him disappearing behind the door makes me shake out of fear. My heart is racing. I feel like I want to chase after him but I’m frozen in place. I’m afraid that he’s never coming back even though I do know he will. I know it.

But my mind and my heart aren’t in sync right now.

I’m consumed by these ugly thoughts. Swirling in my mind like a whirlpool. Sucking me in and pulling all my worth down to the bottom. The thoughts are screaming in my head. I try to make them shut up but I can’t. They’re too loud.

Only when a warm hand fell on my back did everything quiet down.

I turn to him and he doesn’t say anything. He rubs my back in a slow soothing motion. Like waves that pushed me back to the beach and occasionally blanket me with a gentle gush of water. Checking if I’m still alive.

With each stroke on my back, everything starts to feel like they’re moving slowly. My mind is empty and my sobbing softens until the only thing left that becomes so loud is my beating heart.

I feel like I should say something to break this odd silence we have looming over us. I feel like we should fill the atmosphere with our voices rather than letting my breathing and sobbing be the only thing we hear.

Now that I’m calm enough, the need to speak is getting stronger but my mind is empty. It draws up a blank after a whole turmoil of many words that clattering my brain. Now, not a single letter appears and I don’t have anything to say to him.

He, for whatever reason, has chosen to be here. I don’t know why but I’m too weak to ask because I’m still unsure. It’s like I’m inside a fog. Standing and peering into the nothingness with a blank stare.

He makes me feel grateful that he doesn’t try to talk to me. He doesn’t make me say anything because I don’t want to and the only thing he is doing right now is rubbing my back. That’s enough to calm me down.

It’s weird to know that we can be together in silence without him expecting anything from me. Yet, I still feel like I owe it to him to say something but each time my lips parted, no words can come out of my throat.

Time passes for who knows how long but when I thought it’s becoming far too long, Mama comes walking in with a tray of cups. He places them gently on the table in front of us and passes me a cup of warm milk tea.

I take comfort in the warmth emitting from the mug. Feeling that it’s warming me from the inside and out. Allowing me a momentary break from feeling this dull pain in my heart. Hoping that drinking this will melt away everything and I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

“Evan…,”

Mama gently touches my thigh. He stares at me meaningfully and I keep my gaze low afterwards.

“I’m not trying to scold you but… you’re not supposed to be here. Not yet. Even if you want to know, I can’t tell you,”

My hands squeeze the mug with a little more strength. I keep my silence as I stare into the insides of the mug that is now only filled with half-full milk tea. The colour is pale yellow. There is more milk in it than tea.

“The world is big. Look around you. It’s not that you’re lost but you just took a detour. Take your time and see that not everything will be as it appears to be. That will be your adventure. There’s nothing wrong with falling down because you’ll get right back up and ready to fight for another day,

You also have a good companion with you,”

I lift my head but Mama isn’t looking at me but at Ryan. He gives Ryan a meaningful gaze. A gaze that I can’t decipher.

“I’ll take care of him,” Ryan finally said something after the silence hangs in the air long enough.

Mama nods with a smile. “You’re a good kid but you have to be careful where you go. You will reach the end of your journey but it is just a matter of time,”

Those words are not for me. It’s directed to Ryan and I can see Ryan contemplating it. His expressions change a little and then he seems to have made some sort of decision. He nods slowly as a response.

“My door will always be open to you but you will find that at times, you can’t reach me. It doesn’t mean I’m not here. It just means that you need to figure it out on your own. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes. Don’t worry, there will be people to catch you.

But for now, go out into the world. Come back when it's time,”

Mama doesn’t shy away from my stare. He appears serious yet I don’t know if I understand everything he said. 

I don’t have time to digest because Mama gets up from the seat and Ryan follows along. My head tilts slightly to look at them but neither is forcing me.

Now it feels like I’m getting kicked out of my safe space.

“I’m... scared,”

I finally muster enough courage to tell him with tears rolling down my eyes once again.

“I know you are but right now, I’m not the one that can help you. Just know that this current life you have, you deserve it. You didn’t steal it from anyone.

Don’t worry about him either. He is also right where he belongs now,”

Mama puts out his hand for me to take. His pale bony fingers glisten under the warm light coming from the bar’s ceilings.

It takes all my courage and effort to grab his hand knowing that I have to let go today. I don’t know how long it will take before I can see him again. The thought of it makes me want to cling to him longer but we’re slowly approaching the door.

When the three of us are right in front of it, Ryan opens the door slowly. The subtle clinking of the bell that hangs on the door makes my heart almost jump out of my body. I tighten up but Mama just caresses my hand before slowly guiding me to Ryan.

This time, Ryan puts out his hand for me to take. My eyes fall onto that broad coarse palm. I’m hesitant to take it. Not because I’m afraid to touch him but it’s because I’m afraid of letting go. That fear overpowers everything else but Mama soothes me by placing his other hand on ours.

He gives me a look that I know so well. He always looks like this every time I have to leave him.

As if he knows that one day, I might not come around again.

At least not as my previous self.

I’m also scared to know how Mama recognises me but the way he said it, it seems like he knew from the start, that I’ll end up like this. That he would meet me like this. Even then, he’s showing that he accepts me as I am.

I know now, that no matter how I have changed, there will always be one person that will recognise me.

I’m still scared but I finally let go and reach for Ryan’s hand. He grabs mine firmly and I can only give a wry smile to them.

It’s time to leave.

I know.

Ryan slowly takes me out and Mama waves me goodbye as he closes the door. The two of us climb the stairs and onto the bustling road. It’s already dark and the street looks different. All the shops have their lights turned on to attract customers. It’s lively and many pedestrians are walking around.

“Excuse me, have you seen the stairs to Ruby’s bar?” A man in a nice suit stops Ryan to ask after we are only slightly further away from the stairs.

“It’s there,” Ryan points out where we had just left.

The guy thanks him before walking away while mumbling, “How did I miss it? I passed by a few times already. So weird,”

Ryan continues to walk and since he hasn’t let me go, I walk with him. The two of us still don't speak. The lights are bright all around us while the voices of conversation float by to fill the air.

It almost feels like we’re unaffected by the hustle and bustle around us. The air is slightly cold but the warmth from his hand allows me to feel safe. We continue walking until the street slowly changes from bright colours to a rather warm and quiet.

We reach his red car, parked at the side without worry of anyone trying to steal it. He unlocks it and opens up the passenger’s seat. He let me go in but I’m not ready to let go of his hand.

He stays outside of the door while letting me hold on to him a little longer. I only let go when I see him slightly shivering. We’re both slightly underdressed for the night. It’s a cold night too.

He doesn’t go immediately but looks at me for a while before closing the door and going in through the driver’s seat. He turns on the car engine and allows the heater to warm both of us. We both remain without motion since he still hasn’t driven the car away.

“Evan,”

Our gaze meets and I can see clarity in his eyes.

“Your name’s Evan. Your real name is Evan,” 

I nod since the truth is out either way.

He laughs a little and then turns to me to say, “Hi, I’m Ryan. Nice to meet you, Evan,”

He reaches for a handshake and I awkwardly take it.

 

A loud blaring phone ring echoes in the car which startles me into letting go of his hand. Ryan on the other side, grunts before opening the dashboard in front of me and taking out a phone.

On the phone screen is Abby's picture that has been childishly doodled with horns and trident in red. The display name says ‘Devil’s Spawn’. It makes me look at Ryan with suspicion. I find that every time I learn something about him, it never really adds up. It makes me think differently of him each time.

Ryan's face immediately droops when looking at the screen but he still swipes the answer button.

Before the phone is by his ears, we can already hear her voice loud and clear. Not that he even attempts in lifting it up to place it by his ears.

“Where in the mother-effing world is Luke?!”

There better had not been a single hair out of his head, Ryan! Or I will make sure Ian gives you a burial after I am done with you!”

Ryan sighs audibly and responds calmly, “Shut up. He’s here and he’s fine. I’m taking him home now,”

“Let me talk to him,”

Ryan passes me the phone after adjusting the phone’s volume to the level where it’s not blasting out the speaker anymore.

“Hello,” I speak softly into the receiver.

“Luke, are you okay?” 

I can’t seem to reply her and that seems to be making her more anxious.

“Luke, are you there? Luke?”

I take a deep breath in before letting it out. “Abby…,”

“Luke, is something wrong? You can always talk to me. Did Ryan-,”

“Evan…,” I trail off as I cut into her ramblings.

She realises something and stays quiet for a moment before I finally hear her say, “What?” in a softer voice.

I try to be brave and tell her, “Evan. Can you… call me Evan?”

This time, I manage to make Abby go quiet and I can feel my heart tightening up.

“Evan… yeah, sure. I can call you that. It doesn’t matter what you’re called. You’re always going to be my friend. Just come home soon. I’ll be waiting for you,”

I pass the phone back to Ryan after replying to her positively. Ryan talks to her properly this time and since the volume has been lowered, I can’t hear her side anymore. All I know is that Ryan is mostly saying, “Yeah,” to her.

He finally hangs up the phone and tosses it back to the dashboard before driving the car away. He doesn't drive at his usual insane speed but at a normal pace.

“Evan’s a good name,” It seems that he’s always breaking the silence first today because I haven’t been talking much. A lot of things are going through my mind but not a lot of words leave my mouth.

“Yeah, Mama gave it to me. He chose it for me,”

“He chose it well. It suits you,”

I’m surprised at Ryan’s compliment. I don’t know how to take this because Mama has affirmed his suspicion about me but he acts as if it's nothing.

“You…,”

“What?”

“Now, that you know… What do you want to do about it?”

Ryan presses the brake and it lunges me forward a little. Luckily, I’m wearing the seatbelt. We’re stopped in the middle of the road and there aren’t any cars around.

Ryan turns to me, looking serious but I can’t read his emotions. As if he’s void of them right now. Times like these make me feel scared of him.

“It doesn’t change anything. You’re you. You’ve always been you,” He turns away and runs his hand through his hair before continuing the drive.

I sit still while staring into the dark road ahead. His words and Mama’s words start floating in my mind. 

 

“Evan,”

I snap out of my thoughts and turn to look at Ryan.

“We’re here,” I look around us and realise we’re back at my house.

“Thank you,” I walk out of the car and see Abby standing by the door.

She doesn’t approach me but stays at the same spot instead while looking over towards us.

Ryan lowers the car window, “I’m leaving now. You should head inside,”

I nod at him and start walking to the entrance. Ryan drives away and I stop halfway my journey to watch his car disappearing into the night.

Then I continue my walk to Abby.

“Hi,”

“Hi…,”

The two of us awkwardly face each other until I start shivering. Abby makes way for me to go inside.

“Have you had dinner?”

I shake my head.

“I will tell them to bring the food up to your room. Is that okay?”

I nod before going to my room. I decide to take a shower while trying to make sense of everything that has happened today.

I definitely acted on impulse but in the end, I didn’t really get any answer because I’m told to figure it out myself.

When I walk out of the bathroom, Abby has laid the food on the table and seated on the sofa. All I can see is the back of her head. She doesn’t turn around despite hearing me. I assume it's because she doesn’t want to make either of us more awkward by catching me naked.

Not that I am since I have my clothes on already.

I walk to her after putting away my towel and dirty clothes. I sit across from her where the food has been placed.

Abby appears messy and her eyebags do look a little darker.

“What makes you want to be called Evan?”

For some reason, she looks a little sad but she continues,

“I’m fine with calling you by your middle name. It doesn’t make any differences, I guess…”

...middle name.

That’s when another realisation hits and I recall seeing his name everywhere. Be it school, hospital, or home.

Luke E. McKenzie.