When I woke, the first thing I felt was the awful feeling of being disoriented – like not knowing which way was up or down, or which was left or right?  It was like that, mixed with a bit of motion sickness and a lot of thirst, and I groaned and pulled my arm over my face to try and drown it out or shield myself from its assault.  I felt dry, warm – but it still felt like the room was spinning.

 

                “Here, drink something.”  A friendly woman’s voice said... It sounded like Rae, but I wasn’t sure.

 

                I sat up a little in bed, and felt for the proffered cup, and sipped some water – it was mixed with ice chips, like a lot of hospitals back home on Midgard – and it tasted crisp and clean.  Sips became small gulps as I drank down half the glass.

 

                At last, feeling refreshed, and a bit more myself, I opened my eyes to see Rae sitting next to me, holding the now half empty cup of water.  “I don’t know if I would have drunk quite that much, but hey, whatever works for you.”  She said, smiling.  “Welcome back, Siri, Jason.  How do you feel?”

 

                “Tired.”  I said.  “I was thirsty, but now, not so much.”

 

                “Well, I’m not surprised.  You had a busy night.”  She laughed.  “Loki told me to keep an eye on you until you woke up.”

 

                “You know what they did?”  I asked.  “I thought it was secret.”

 

                “I’ll assume that was Jason talking.”  Rae said, laughing.  “I told you, I’m Loki’s right hand.  If I didn’t know, I would be shocked.  I’m worried for you, actually.  I’m scared I’ll lose you – Siri, you barely made it back this last time...  If it happens again, you might die.  And I haven’t even gotten to play with Jason yet!”

 

                *She’s like that, Jason.  It’s her way of saying she’s worried.  She doesn’t mean anything bad by it.*

 

                Okay, thanks.  I replied.  “I guess you did mention knowing things.  Sorry for being dense, Rae.”

 

                “No worries, Jason.   I guess you and Siri are going to rise to the ranks of the Asynjur soon.  You probably don’t know this, but all of the Aesir and Asynjur, when they rise to their ranks – except for maybe the Eldest – have the tradition of taking a dose of Dust of the Ancients, to see if the Fates have any wisdom to share.”

 

                “No, I didn’t.  What’s dust of the ancients?  What’s an Asynjur?”

 

                Rae grinned.  “It’s a magical psychoactive drug that delves into your innermost being and forces visions upon you.  Visions that show you a truth.  For new Aesir, it’s almost always their personal truth – something deeply personal about themselves that defines them for all time.  It can be traumatic, too – some people are not ready to face their truth.  An Asynjur is what we call a Norse Goddess.  The Male version, Aesir refers to Norse Gods.”

 

                *I don’t think this is a good idea, Jason.* Siri began.  *We need to be clear headed for our mission.*

 

                “I don’t think I should do that right now, Rae.  Neither does Siri.”

 

                “That’s a shame, really, but it’s too late for that.  The water you drank was dosed with it, and you drank half the glass.  You’ll be tripping balls very soon Jason.  I’m sorry – the orders were straight from Loki and Freya.  I had no discretion.  They said they needed you ready – and according to them and their traditions, you aren’t ready until you know your Truth.  That, and they were worried you might not live to learn it later.”  Rae said, apologetically.  “Be careful, please, and forgive me.”

 

                “What the fu...!?”  I tried to speak – I tried to feel angry – but instead I felt fuzzy, and as Rae slipped out of my room, the walls started looking soft and malleable, and everything went fuzzy around the edges.  My limbs began to feel weak, and limp – and I felt massively disoriented.  Siri was with me – I could see her in my mind’s eye!  She was beautiful!  Tall, elegant, sexy, and deadly, with long red hair and fair skin, and the glowing amber eyes of a Valkyrie.  She looked like an apex predator, dressed in her ridiculous armor, and I couldn’t help but smile.

 

                Siri!  You’re beautiful!  I tried to say aloud – but my body wouldn’t listen to me, so it came out in only my mind. 

 

                *So are you, Jason.*  Siri replied, pointing at me... 

 

                I looked down at myself – I was wearing the same kind of Valkyrie armor as she had (Which is to say, revealing as hell, and strong enough to probably stop a tank shell) – and I was still blond, still female, and still confused.

 

                Why am I female?  Why aren’t I my old self?

 

                Freya appeared before me, dressed all in white and gold, wearing her necklace – the Bringsgamen.  “What is in the past is in the past. Who you were ceased to be when you became one of the Valkyrie.  What you were before is no more. You must move on.”

 

                Freya?  Is it you?  I don’t understand!  I tried to look for help – for advice from Siri, but she was nowhere to be seen.

 

                “Siri cannot help you, child.  Your truth is not her truth.  You must seek within.”  Freya intoned, her eyes never leaving my gaze.  It was intense, and scary, and I felt weak in the knees.  Behind her I could see Yggdrasil, the world tree, bursting from some pavement stones, flowering, and growing behind her into a vast, immense growth up into the sky.  Freya was carried aloft in its branches, and was gone.

 

                “She’s right, you know.”  Loki began, as he stepped out from behind a branch of the world-ash.  “You must know yourself – know who you are – to move forward.  Only you know your truth – we cannot tell it to you.”

 

                What if I’m not ready?  What if I don’t want to know?  I called out.  What if I can’t handle it?

 

                “I don’t know, Jason...  I’m not really here.  You’re hallucinating.”

 

                Loki stepped to the side – and behind him, embedded in the World Tree were three doors.  The doors were wood, banded with iron for strength, and had simple latches and door rings.  “Pick a path.  Find your truth.”  He replied – before exploding into a swarm of crows – and flying off into the night that had suddenly fallen all around us. 

 

                The moon of Asgard hung in the night air, giving everything a cool, misty feel to it.  It illuminated the ground, but in a soft gentle light unlike the harsh light of day.  I turned from the doors to face the moon... it felt good, but not right.  Something about it was wrong.  I turned back to the doors – for the tree had grown around where I stood, and there was no way forward save the doors.

 

                I looked at the first door, and touched the handle – and was swept through it into a vast plain upon which ten times ten thousand men and women fought in battle, against gigantic, monstrous foes... giants, trolls and dire wolves the size of elephants.  The air was redolent with the scent of blood and viscera, and the air filled with the screams of the victorious and the dying.  All about me was the chaos of glorious battle – and I whirled to get my bearings and defend myself.

 

A dark skinned man in golden armor appeared next to me.  “Behold... The battlefields of Valhalla.  Can you find your truth here, amidst the carnage and the glory of battle?  Is this your truth?”  I could somehow tell the glorious figure before me was Tyr, of the Aesir, but how I could tell that, I couldn’t say.

 

I looked about – and saw a Valkyries’ arm severed at the elbow, while two Einherjar speared a Troll with vicious jabs of their blades and spears.  The Troll bit deeply into one of the Einherjar’s shoulders, and tore the limb off in a spray of blood, and the men pressed the attack, even as one of them died – only to rise again.  The violence called to me – but not enough to get past the revulsion I felt at the brutality and the viciousness of the battle.  This was war – but this was the war of a berserker, full of battle madness and little else.  This wasn’t me...  I relished the surgical strike, the tactical plan – the ability to preserve the lives of my troops, and not to waste them pointlessly, even if they were immortal in their own way. 

 

No. My truth is Wisdom. Leadership. Cunning.  Not madness and bloodlust.

 

“This is one of your Truths.”  Tyr intoned.  “You must move onward.  Choose.”

 

Again, the doors appeared before me – this time suspended in the battlefield by a magic I couldn’t explain.  I looked at the two remaining doors...  The center one I wasn’t ready to face – for some reason it scared me, so I approached the one on the right.  Again I touched it – and again, I was swept through it into a new place.

 

                I was on a hill – surrounded by the dead.  All about me lay the slain – giants, wolves, Einherjar and Valkyries lay next to the corpses of slain Aesir Lords and Asynjur Ladies.  In the distance I could see the golden city of Asgard...  It was burning in the night, lit red with blood and fire, as giants ran amok, looting and killing while the last valiant defenders fought to the death to protect their home and their people.  A serpent the size of the sky itself lay dead on the field, awash in a lake of deadly poison, with Thor’s cold, still body lying lifeless next to the lake of venom.  Tyr lay dead not far away from Loki’s beheaded corpse, and Freya still fought from her cat-drawn chariot in the sky, the sound of her battle horn summoning the Valkyries for one final charge against the fire giants.

 

                That was not my place either...  I was no longer a Valkyrie, not completely.  I was Asynjur.  My duty lay elsewhere... and there was something I had to do. 

 

                I could hear voices on the wind – voices of both mortal and god, begging for succour.  Begging for rescue... for hope.  I felt a sense of purpose within me grow.  I was the bringer of hope... the dawn that rises after the darkest night.  I looked to Asgard... I could save them...  I could save all of them – mortal and god alike – if only I was brave enough.  If only I possessed the strength and the will.  I looked to the sky to take wing – but a cold, wintery presence blocked me, and clutched my shoulder like the icy hand of doom.

 

                Wincing in pain, I turned to see the goddess Hel – one half of her beautiful and enticing, the other half cold and dead, rotting and in the grave.  Her skeletal arm held a scythe made out of steel and bone, and her body was wrapped in a tattered black robe.  She was beauty, corruption, and death – the goddess of the inglorious dead, terrible in her power.  “It is not time, child.  This is a vision – nothing more.  It is enough you have found your Truth.  Now you must move on...  Discover your final Truth.”

 

                The three doors appeared once more... and only one remained unopened.  The one I feared.  I stepped forward, hesitantly.  Whatever was behind that door would change me forever.  I paused.

 

What if I’m not ready?  I asked Hel.  What if I can’t accept it?

 

“Then you will die, never knowing the Truth.  No matter how long you live, you will always question what might have been, had you had the courage to look within.  What might you have learned – about yourself, or about something important to you?  You will die knowing you could have known – that it was there for you to find - and you were too scared to look.”

 

I gulped.  I might be scared to know what was behind the last door – but I wasn’t a coward.  I’d rather be hurt now and have to deal with whatever pain that comes, than live my whole life with regret. With not knowing who I was.  I nodded to Hel, and stepped forward, and touched the door...

 

And suddenly, the battlefields of Asgard were gone – and I was me again – but the female me, dressed in casual clothes, sitting in a restaurant across from a very familiar old man.  The place was decorated in a familiar red and yellow, and I smiled even knowing this was all some sort of hallucination or dream. 

 

                Hi, Walter.  I said.  Long time, no see.

 

                “Hey Kiddo.”  Walter replied, smiling.  “Guess you didn’t think you’d see me so soon, did you?”

 

                No, sir.  Not really.  I replied – and realized that I had a plate of waffles and syrup in front of me, and a glass of orange juice on the side.  Are we really talking?

 

                “What do you think, Kiddo?  Does it matter?  Maybe this is a hallucination, or maybe we’re really here.  Does it matter, as long as you learn your Truth?”  Walter looked older now – weathered, and tired – and wore an eye patch over one of his eyes, his hair having gone silver with age.  “If you drink from the well of Mimir, then you had best be ready for what it shows you.”

 

                But I didn’t... did I?

 

                Walter waved his hand, and an image of Rae appeared, holding a glass of water towards Jason and Siri’s lips.  “Good question, child.  What do you think?  It matters not - you are here to learn your Truth.”

 

                What is my Truth, then?  If you’re so wise, tell me!

 

                “Look within, child of the Asynjur.  You seek wisdom, the wisdom that brings the dawn of Hope.  Where Delling is the god of the Dawn, you are what the Dawn represents.  New life.  New Beginnings.  A fresh start.  An end to misery.  If you are to embody such things, how can you not see that you must possess hope for yourself as well?”

 

                Around me, the image of the restaurant began to blur – appearing as a cafe, a home, an office building, a school.  In each one I was there – me, as my female self – sometimes alone, and sometimes with friends.  I was chatting with five other girls – and we were sharing margaritas...  I was in a classroom, studying engineering, idly chewing on a pencil and looking at my cell-phone, waiting for a text.  I was in my father’s home and it was Christmas, and a man I had never seen before, dressed in the most godawful Christmas sweater I had ever seen caught me under the mistletoe and we kissed... and I enjoyed it.   My dad caught us on camera, and for some reason I blushed.  I was in a rec room, next to a roaring fireplace.  A child – a little girl no older than three years played with a doll.  She had her mother’s hair... blonde hair.  She smiled at me, and I felt my heart melt inside.  What was happening to me?  Is this my future?  Is this my Truth?

 

                And then I realized... this was a vision... a shadow of what might be.  It could just as easily be a woman kissing me under the mistletoe – or a boy child playing with his toys.  My truth was that I would find happiness in time... that I wouldn’t be alone.  That I could have family, if I so chose.

 

                That was my final truth... That this damned confusion and dysphoria would one day end, and I would be happy.  I would be happy with whomever had earned my heart and my love – and together we would build a family.  My truth was that in the end I would be happy.  Tears ran down my face, and I sobbed with joy, and I felt Walter wrap me in a tight hug.

 

                “You still owe me breakfast, Kiddo.”  He said, and disappeared. 

 

The scene dissolved into white light, and the next thing I knew I woke up, still sobbing, in bed... in my bed, in the barracks of Asgard.  For the first time since all this craziness had begun, I knew who I was.  I knew who I was meant to be.  I knew my truth – and it filled me with strength.  I sat up, and gently brushed my tears of joy away, and I smiled. 

 

It might hurt right now, I thought.  I might be full of confusion and stress and pain, but it will pass.  I can survive this.  I’ll be happy one day.  It will get better.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  I had found Hope, and she was me.