“So how did the numbers go?”
Kashiwagi smiled, “They went well! We got a spike in traffic to the site, more than we expected even, it got spread around outside of the prefecture. I guess people were hungry for the final word from you.”
“Why the hell would they be interested in me?”
“You really captured the mood of the nation! Or a lot of it. You started a real conversation about something.”
“Whatever,” I waved him off. It was quiet in the office as usual. I hadn’t even caught a glimpse of his so-called partner-in-crime since I started coming down to work on the album. The other guys hadn’t expressed any interest in doing the press tour, and they were probably right to conclude that nobody would really care if it was them and not me. Little miss feminist warrior.
“I don’t want you to uh… put on an act for me, if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I know.” I pulled on one of my jacket sleeves with a sigh, the edges were starting to come undone through heavy wear and use.
“I know it’s very cynical, but that’s just how things are. When you’re trying to get people to pay attention to you, you’re selling yourself and your personality and some things that are very personal.”
“You’re willing to admit that much.”
“Definitely. The people who don’t usually do a bad job out here. I’m not pretending we’re pushing big names onto the board, we’re mostly a local agency, but your first job is to keep your workers happy.”
“I feel like shit.”
Kashiwagi swivelled around on his chair, “Huh? What’s with the harsh language all of a sudden?”
I scratched the back of my head, “I’m no feminist, and now I’m taking advantage of it to try and sell a damn album.”
He frowned at me, “So all that talk about taking a chance when you get it was just talk? I don’t think that’s the case Nakamura. And anyway if you feel so bad about it, that means that you really do care. So why not call yourself a feminist? They’re not asking for membership fees.”
I grunted. “Whatever. It’s complicated.”
We left it at that.
Reina shadowed me as we walked through the black and grey stones of the town’s largest graveyard. The graveyard was an interesting place. It was situated on the side of a steep hill, meaning that many of the people buried here made up the ground that you walked on – at least on the upper tiers anyway. An undulating sea of human sized towers.
I’d come down for a fairly simple reason. To try and find the grave of my recently departed grandmother. The quest had started a few weeks ago when I dropped by my old house, and much to my surprise our name was still next to the front gate. Grandma was gone through; I knew that much. So the house had been put up for sale. We probably had extended family somewhere he could take on the money from the purchase. But I didn’t know them if that was the case, and I couldn’t just stalk the house to see if anyone turned up.
The real question was as to the location of her grave. I knew that she wanted to be buried next to my grandfather, but unfortunately the state of the site meant that people often didn’t get the chance to choose. You got what you were given – even if it meant being split from family. This graveyard was designed to handle a smaller town, but the place had grown explosively over the past few decades.
We kept out heads down as we walked to my grandfather’s grave first. The graveyard hired people to make sure that the place was always looked after, which was a blessing for me. I rarely had the time to come pay my respects. An hour spent cleaning up the black marble stone that marked his final resting place was an hour not spent studying for my important exams. He’d have yelled at me for wasting time on him instead of “making something” of myself.
I don’t think he meant becoming part of a different family though.
“So they weren’t buried together?”
“I don’t know if they buried her at all. Knowing my luck she’s probably held up in a morgue somewhere. I’ve been looking on my own for a while, but no dice. Why did you want to come with me?”
Reina walked up to my grandfather’s grave, “How do you read his name?”
“Hyoubu.”
Reina nodded and closed her eyes. She took a moment to offer a prayer in respect and knowing that Reina had the ear of a real god put things into a new perspective for me. Maybe someone was listening, somewhere. “You don’t need to do that for my sake.”
Reina ended her prayer and stepped back, “Aren’t we all family now? In a strange way.”
“I guess.”
“I was thanking him for my amazing sister…”
“You basically stole me, you realize that right?”
Reina shrugged, “There’s more to a person than a name and a face.”
“Yeah well, I don’t think he’d feel the same way.”
I couldn’t help but find the situation somewhat amusing, if I removed myself from it. If I could externalize all my problems into a TV show or a novel, I’m sure I’d find them enrapturing. Unfortunately I was living those problems at that moment. And my moment of mirth was replaced with one of worry, that consistent anxiety that had settled into my chest ever since I woke up as Miyako.
That I didn’t deserve it, that I was taking something from someone else. Reina was right on the money; I couldn’t be selfish. Not after I’d already received something that from an outside perspective was an amazing gift, a miracle even. If you’d asked me if I wanted it before I would have jumped at the chance, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. The fear that someone would turn around and point out that Miyako didn’t exist until a couple of months ago had subsided, I had new, contemporary problems to get worked up about now.
“I’m the only thing left, the only thing that ever said that Grandma and Grandad lived. Because tombstones don’t talk, and people don’t think about the people underneath them.”
“…That’s strangely insightful.”
“Are you trying to imply that I’m not capable of higher thought?”
Reina hesitated. “Yes.”
We spent another hour searching, but we had no further success before I decided to call it for the day. On the way back we chatted about normal things, schoolwork, exams, even though moments ago we were searching for the grave of a woman who was no longer related to me. I was upset.
I really wanted to know where she was buried.
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