29. (Un)tangled Identity
3.3k 30 109
X
Reading Options
Font Size
A- 15px A+
Width
Reset
X
Table of Contents
Loading... please wait.

To say that Sarah was furious with Becker would have been a bit of an understatement.

Erin had decided that waiting until she and Sarah had been back home to tell her about her confrontation with Becker, as she’d been worried her friend wouldn’t have been able to focus on her schoolwork otherwise.

And boy had she been right. Sarah’s expression had been concerned at first, the compassion and kindness that Erin had learned to love her for plain to see on her visage, only to turn to fury, once Erin had told her about their little “duel” in the hallways.

Try as she might, Erin couldn’t get her friend to calm down. She’d told her that she’d never truly been in danger, that Becker’s spell would have at worst knocked her out, but that had only seemed to make Sarah angrier, for some reason. Erin had never seen her friend this angry before, and the sight both scared her and warmed her heart.

“He’s completely lost it,” Sarah fumed, having embraced her friend in an angry hug minutes ago, both of them resting on Sarah’s bed while she slowly worked through her bout of anger.

Not sure of what to say to that, Erin hummed in agreement, resting her chin on Sarah’s shoulder, her eyes closed in contentment. Aside from the confrontation with Becker, the day had been particularly unpleasant. She’d felt out of place, even more than usual, and couldn’t wait to leave and transform back into Erin, safely hidden from the rest of the world.

Of course, she wasn’t naïve. She was sure that this had to do with the little conversation she and Sarah had had the day prior. She’d spent the whole day doing as Sarah had told her, paying extra attention to the way she felt whenever her legal name was called in class, whenever someone looked at her, whenever she was supposed to talk or act in any way.

She’d felt miserable, out of place and uncomfortable. It hadn’t been exactly new, but it was like she’d suddenly become hyper aware of it, unable to shrug it off like she used to. Comparing the way she felt in school to how she did the few times she’d been out as Erin made the differences all the more glaring in her eyes.

Sure, she’d been very anxious buying clothes with Sarah and Allison, but it had been different. After a while, she’d relaxed and had been able to enjoy her day, something she was certain could never happen while she was Ryan. As much as she wanted to deny it, there was only one explanation. One terrible explanation that she couldn’t escape from anymore.

“Sarah,” Erin said quietly, her voice charged with a mix of emotions.

“What is it?” Sarah asked, instantly picking up on Erin’s tone.

She wanted to say it, to just let the truth out, but it refused to come out of her mouth. The words, no matter how much she pushed, wouldn’t escape her throat, and she could feel all of her body tense up, so terrified was she of finally being honest with herself.

This was a secret she’d kept from everyone, even herself, and, even if its weight was unbearable, she couldn’t let go of it. As painful as it was, it was also a burden she was familiar with, one she’d borne for longer than she’d been aware of, and the idea of finally being rid of it was terrifying. Erin didn’t know what would happen once it was finally gone. Would an even heavier secret take its place? The idea was enough to send ice down her veins.

As much as she wanted to just give up, change the subject and never broach the subject ever again, she knew that it would only lead her to more pain in the long term. One of the most important things being friends with Sarah had taught her was that change wasn’t always bad, and that, sometimes, you had to take risks. And so, taking a deep breath, Erin stopped listening to her brain, and simply let the words come out of her mouth in a clear and measured manner, consequences be damned.

“I think I want to be a girl,” she said, instantly feeling a wave of dread and relief crashing against each other, as she fixated her gaze down, so afraid as she was to see Sarah's reaction.

The silence that came after her declaration couldn’t have lasted much longer than a few seconds, and yet, it might as well have been the longest and most uncomfortable silence Erin had ever experienced in her life. Time, as she was coming to understand, had this weird habit of stretching at the most inopportune moments, leaving you feeling exhausted, as if a whole day had passed in a matter of instants.

Fortunately, the oppressive silence couldn’t last eternally, and Sarah broke it not with her voice, but with her actions. Her arms, already wrapped around Erin, tightened almost imperceptibly, but Erin didn’t need Sarah’s words to understand her friend’s reaction, and relief instantly flooded her body, along with a feeling of lightness that she’d never experienced before in her entire life.

So powerful was the feeling that she felt a choked sob bubbling from her throat, surprising her along with the prickling sensation of tears springing out of her eyes. She could distantly hear Sarah’s low and soothing voice, but was unable to understand the words she was saying. She appreciated them nonetheless, as the emotion they were charged with spoke for itself.

Erin was getting used to crying, a dim corner of her mind noted, as she was struggling to regain some sort of control over herself. She wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing, but she couldn’t deny that she always felt better afterwards, if a little bit ashamed of herself. She always felt like she was unloading all of her problems on Sarah, even though that was the last thing she wanted to do. She felt that she should deal with her own problems, lest she drive her best and only friend away.

Finally, Erin’s tears calmed down, though they didn’t stop completely, and she pulled away from Sarah to present her with a shaky, yet genuine smile, which was mirrored by a radiant expression on Sarah’s own face.

“I’m glad you figured it out in the end,” she said softly, her eyes plunged deep in Erin’s own, feeling as if her gaze was directed straight at her soul.

“Yeah,” Erin eloquently replied, unsure of what to do now. She was still a little bit in disbelief. Try as she might, she’d been unable to see her little confession bring anything other than calamity to her, as if the possibility of acceptance had been something that her brain couldn’t comprehend, a pure impossibility.

And yet, here they were, with Sarah beaming at her the way she usually did whenever she was proud of her, a glowing expression that always sent thrills down her body, that always drove her neuroses away, even if only for a little while. A huge weight had been driven off her shoulders, and, while she knew all of it wasn’t gone, she felt as if she’d just gone through the hardest part of her journey, wherever it was supposed to lead her.

Still, some shadows of doubt and anguish still lingered, tiny remnants of worry gnawing at the corners of her mind that she still needed to appease.

“What happens, now?” she hesitantly asked, both to herself and Sarah. As liberating as the experience had been, she was now left with incertitude. She wanted to be a girl, but was she even allowed to become one? She thought that a lot of people might object to it, and she couldn’t really show up at school and say who she was. People might have questions if she did that. Still, she felt as if she was floating on a cloud at the moment, and she wouldn’t let these questions ruin her mood, no matter how terrifying they were.

“I’m not sure, Erin,” Sarah replied gently, still holding her in a loose embrace. “What do you want to happen next? We can go as slow or as quickly as you’d like, but I think we should at least wait a little bit before we do anything, let your emotions settle a little bit.”

Erin nodded absentmindedly, her gaze unfocusing a little bit, the way it always did when she got lost in her thoughts. That made sense, it wouldn’t do to just rush straight into big decisions only moments after she’d made such a big discovery about herself.

For now, maybe it was best to just relax for the rest of the afternoon, have a little bit of fun. Although, her brain reminded her, the whole situation with Becker was still pressing, no matter how much she wished it would all just go away right now. Sarah had told her earlier today that she’d read a good portion of Becker’s journal, and that they needed to talk about its content, and Erin’s earlier altercation with said man only made this talk more necessary. With a bit of luck it wouldn’t take too long, and they could do something fun afterwards.

Quickly conveying her thoughts to Sarah, her friend nodded in agreement, grinning slightly. “Sounds good to me, we can talk about the journal stuff and then maybe watch some movies? I’ve got a few I’ve been meaning to watch that I’m sure you’ll like.” She proposed eagerly, receiving an eager nod from Erin in response.

“Alright, so,” Sarah started, reaching for the journal in question and quickly rifled through it. “To make it short, I’m now completely certain that Becker wrote the whole thing. That means he’s at least around 200 years old, he’s positively ancient!” Sarah stifled a laugh at that thought, before getting serious again. “He doesn’t really talk about how he got this old anywhere, like it was a normal thing for him, and I’m not really sure what to think about that. What he does talk about, however, is the Eriz forest. He’s been studying it for a very, very long time. The first entry already mentions it. It even looks like he settled down in Switzerland because he wanted to get closer to it. No idea where he’s from originally, though.

He doesn’t really talk about his discoveries in detail, I’m sure he wrote down all of that somewhere in his research notes, but he talks a lot about these things he calls ley lines, and how they all seem to lead towards the center of the forest.

Other than that, he talks a little bit about his personal life in the first entries of the journal, even mentions he has a wife a couple of times! Sometime around the 1900’s, he stops mentioning her altogether, and, from that point, his notes get more and more methodical, and the tone gets progressively blander.”

Sarah sighed, seemingly crestfallen for a few instants, an expression that Erin couldn’t help but mirror. “I’m sure you can guess what must have happened to her, and what it did to Becker. Seems like he tried to distract himself with his work and just lost himself in it at some point. I may hate him, but I can’t help but pity him a little bit. He must be really lonely.”

“Yeah,” Erin added, unsure of what to say. She’d never really thought about Becker’s private life before. He’d always just been that secretive person who knew about magic and nothing else to her, and now she wasn’t sure what to think.

They both let the silence hang in the air for a few seconds, until Erin decided to break it. “I don’t know much about ley lines, other than they’re basically rivers of magic that run through the planet, but I’ll look into it. Maybe we’ll be lucky and find something important?”

“Maybe” Sarah agreed noncommittally, before a smile once more spread on her face. “Now! How about we go watch some movies?”

Erin couldn’t agree faster, and the two of them quickly gathered snacks and made themselves comfortable on Sarah’s bed, turning the little television in her room on and snuggling under a blanket, intent on enjoying themselves for the rest of the day.

Interestingly enough, they had yet to notice the changes in Erin’s bracelet, just as they’d missed the slight twinkle of light it had emitted moments after Erin’s confession. But for now, all talks of magic and gender were forgotten, if only for a few hours.

109