I held my breath, hoping that Nick would think I was asleep. It was dark. He probably couldn't actually tell what was going on.

"Dude," he said, "I know you're not asleep."

I stayed quiet, hoping that he was bluffing.

"Seriously," he said, "I could hear you jerking off for like five minutes."

I winced. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Still, if I didn't say anything, maybe he would fall asleep again and think that he had dreamed the whole thing...

"Nick," he said.

"You're Nick," I said, before I could stop myself.

"Oh my god," he groaned, "There is something fucking wrong with you, man."

"Shut up!" I whined, "I wasn't doing that, okay? I just... I had a bad dream."

"What dream?" Nick scoffed, "Your dick was posessed by a ghost and you had to beat it out?"

I groaned and buried my face in my blanket.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I know it's disgusting, and I shouldn't have done it, but... it's been weeks. I thought you were asleep."

"I'm just surprised you were willing to debase yourself like that," Nick snickered, "Don't you have someone to do it for you?"

"Nick!" I said, "That's disgusting!"

"Oh, I'm disgusting?" he said.

I sighed and rolled over on the couch. A spring dug into my hip, but at least I was a little further away from him. My face burned with shame. I couldn't believe I had been that... weak. Nick was right, I was disgusting.

After a few moments, Nick said, "I mean, I get it."

"What?" I mumbled.

"It's been weeks for me, too," he said, "You're always around, and it's not like I'm gonna do it in the locker room or something."

I hesitated. This seemed like a trap.

"I'm just saying," he said, "I get it. We're grown men, right? We have needs."

"Yeah," I said, even though part of me didn't love the We're grown men part.

"So don't worry about it," he said, "I'm not going to give you shit about it."

He paused.

"You fucking perv," he added.

I couldn't help but smirk a little at that. He had a point. Okay, maybe it was a little disrespectful for me to do... what I had just done... while he was in the room, but it wasn't that bad. We had needs.

"Nick," I said cautiously, "If you... need to do that too... I won't make fun of you either."

"Hm," he grunted, "Yeah. Cool. Thanks."

For a few seconds we just laid there in the dark, and all I could hear was our own quiet breathing. I felt strangely tense, but also kind of relieved. As uncomfortable as it was, I was glad we had had this conversation.

"I'm not gonna do it right now," said Nick.

-

"Great form, Dominic! Keep up that pace!"

Nick's coach clapped her hands as he rounded the turn in front of her. He was on his third lap, with no signs of slowing down. I shivered and pulled my blanket tighter around me as I watched from the bleachers.

Last night didn't mean anything. I knew that. Sure, it was weird that I had fantasized about my roommate. Especially while he was in the room with me. But that didn't mean I was actually attracted to him.

I fantasized about that kind of thing a lot. Me, dressed up like a girl, and other men... doing things to me. It was embarassing, for sure, but I had spent a lot of time trying to work out why that sort of thing was so appealing to me, and I had realised that there were two most likely explanations.

Number one? I was rich.

As much as it pained me to admit it, Nick kind of had a point when he called me spoiled. My family had always been wealthy, and I had always had maids, and drivers, and tutors acting at my beck and call. Obviously I had still worked really hard to get where I was, and I was remarkably down-to-earth, but I had definitely had a privileged life.

So it made sense that in my fantasies the roles were reversed. Like last night, in the maid scenario, I was the one working away to serve someone else. It was like all my privilege had been stripped away. Of course I was going to find that appealing, in a kind of dirty, kinky way. Anyone would!

And then the fact that I was a girl, and the person bossing me around was a man... that was just the same thing. I used the internet, I knew about the patriarchy. In our society, the power dynamic was heavily tilted towards men. So, if my fantasy was about someone having power over me, it made sense that I pictured myself as a woman, and them as a man. Maybe it was problematic, but it totally made sense. It didn't actually reflect on my gender or sexuality at all, it was just completely abut power dynamics. It was probably a really common fantasy for straight men, it was just too taboo to talk about.

Which was why I could never let anybody find out. That would be disgusting. And so embarassing. If I had that kind of... that kind of fetish,  I could never tell anybody. It was too shameful.

While I was thinking, Nick had already completed another lap. I watched his muscles straining as he pounded across the track. Those calves...

I sighed with frustration.

The other explanation was much simpler, but also much more complicated to deal with.

Why did I like fantasizing about men? Because I was gay.

Why did I like fantasizing about being a woman? Because I was transgender.

Which would technically mean that I wasn't gay. But it still felt pretty gay.

That explanation... it also made a lot of sense. Sometimes it felt like it actually had made more sense than the first explanation. But... it was also so unlikely. Only 10% of the population were gay, and even fewer were transgender. The odds just didn't add up.

If I was either of those things, though... that wouldn't be shameful. Sure, Father would not be happy about it, but I could hide it from him. That was the whole reason I had chosen Great Oaks. Nobody knew me here. I could be a gay guy, or a trans woman, and it would be... it would be okay. Those things weren't fetishes, they were just... people.

But I wasn't gay, and I wasn't trans. Probably. Almost certainly. And while being a gay guy or a trans woman would be totally okay, being a straight, cis guy who mistakenly thought he was one of those things would be absolutely humiliating.

So until I was sure, I had to assume the first explanation was correct.

But not knowing was driving me insane. I mean, I had made myself climax while Nick was right next to me! If he hadn't taken pity on me last night, I could've become a laughing stock. The pervert in room 108. That couldn't be who I was.

There was also something else bugging me. Something I had been trying to ignore. I stared out at the track and watched Nick's lithe body storming through the early morning mist.

My fantasy had changed halfway through last night. I ended up being the one in power. So wouldn't it have made sense to start picturing myself as a man, and Nick as a woman?

But when I tried to imagine it, it just felt wrong. It wasn't appealing at all.

I bit my lip. It was going to be another week before Nick was gone. I couldn't wait that long anymore.

I needed to do something to test the waters. Something that Nick wouldn't notice...