When I look up, Sadie’s eyes are there, waiting for me. Worried, maybe even a little afraid but her jaw is set in an almost defiant way. Like she’s determined not to let me lie my way out of this.

My throat goes tight and warmth flares in my chest. My brain short-circuits and I open my mouth but all that comes out is this weird half-noise.

Her expression shifts, then. It grows soft and she too opens her mouth, only to close it again a few seconds later. We’re both caught in a state of in-between, fully aware of the gravity of the situation. One wrong step….

My hands grip the fabric so tightly that the joints in my fingers hurt a little.

“Thank you,” I say finally in an almost inaudible voice. I can’t make myself say it louder because really, it’s a confession so much more than anything else. I’d been wondering about this moment. If it would ever come. Whether she’d be angry with me because I confided in Kim and not her. I’d thought I’d be certain by that point. I’d thought I could confidently tell her and feel happiness at her positive reaction.

“So…” Sadie starts hesitantly after a moment, “How serious is this?”

Truthfully, I shrug. “I’ve been having dreams.” Like that would explain everything about this. “I’m not certain,” I add then. “I’d hoped that… y’know, wearing a dress might help me figure it out.”

She nods. No you could’ve just asked me. Understanding.

“But I…” I think back to the conversations I’ve had with Kim. “I don’t hate this anymore. Really, I… like it, most of the time.”

A tiny smile starts to play around the corners of her mouth. “When did this discovery process start?”

“At Kim’s party?”

For a moment, she frowns like she tries to recall anything suspicious about the evening. “Talking about it, where were you that evening?”

I shrug. “Upstairs on the balcony. I was talking with Kim. She… kinda helped me make sense of all this.” I gesture at myself, notice that the motion is clearly directed at my chest and continue it to encompass all of me, blushing furiously.

Sadie doesn’t seem to notice. There’s an ever so slight frown in between her eyebrows and I know what she’s wondering. I might imagine it but I think there’s just a hint of guarded hurt in her eyes.

“I mean, it does make sense,” she says and lets out a slightly nervous giggle. “She’s just that kinda person, isn’t she?”

“No, that’s not –” I want to explain to her that it’s not a matter of understanding or being friendly, that Kim has something about her that Sadie can’t make up with being one of my best friends. “She approached me. She figured it out before all the others and then sort of cornered me – not in a bad way, I mean, it did help, obviously, but –” I stop myself. Is there really any way I can get out of this?

Her eyes go suddenly wide. “Wait, are you two –” She breaks off and it takes me a moment too long to understand what she’s getting at.

“No!” I blurt. “It’s just that she –”

And then understanding flashes in her eyes and they go even wider than before. “Oh! She’s also –”

I want to conveniently vanish. Didn’t I promise Kim not to tell anyone? And I didn’t and still….

“And I’m not supposed to know that, am I?” Her face goes red.

I nod slowly. “I should tell her. And you obviously can’t tell anyone.”

She gives a hurried nod. “Of course.”

With sweaty palms, I pull my phone from my pocket and tap Kim’s number. She barely takes three seconds to pick up, even though she should be in class right now.

“Happy birthday! Want me to come over?” she asks in a hushed voice, like she just ran out to the corridor to take the call.

Right. I totally forgot she made that offer. To her I’m still in bed feeling probably miserable. “No, it’s… I just talked to Sadie and she… she figured out that you….”

There’s a moment’s silence at the other end of the line, then she says, slowly, “Is she still with you?”

I nod, then add, “Yeah, she’s here.”

Sadie’s eyes catch mine. She looks worried.

“Could you give her the phone, please?”

I do as she asks. Briefly, Sadie freezes at the offered phone, then she hastily takes it from my hand, wets her lips and says, “Yes?”

She listens for a moment, then her eyes move away from mine. “Of course.” Then she turns to me. “Can I tell her about your birthday present?”

I’m too surprised to answer at first, then I nod. I really want to tell her no but what would be the point? I’d tell her pretty soon anyway.

“A dress. It’s a bit of a longer story but… yeah, a dress,” she says and a hint of a smile plays around the corners of her mouth. “It’s blue…. Yeah, that kind of broke the ice, I guess…. Same, though, like, really…. He doesn’t seem all that certain yet but I think he likes it?” She says it like she has to remind herself of my correct pronouns. For a moment I wonder what I’d feel like had she just used a different one.

Then Sadie takes the phone from her ear, looks at me and says, “Kim says you should put on the dress.”

She grins as I flush. “Please. You’re not committing to anything, I would just really like to see how it looks on you. For me, okay?”

Of course, what she really means is, get over your shit, Wells, and put on the fucking dress that I had to get for you because you just can’t seem to be true to yourself. But she words it nicely so I nod.

“Can I shower before? I kind of haven’t in…” way too long. It would feel wrong to put on this dress while I’m still dirty. Even though it hasn’t even been washed yet.

Sadie nods. “Of course. You know where to find towels.”

So I go upstairs, my hands still clutching the dress like it might vanish any moment. But it doesn’t. I take a shower, scrub myself down until I feel sufficiently clean, then dry myself. I sit on the edge of the bathing tub and blow dry my hair in just my underwear, then the moment has come. I feel clean. My heart is beating faster than normal. My eyes fix on the neatly folded dress on the windowsill, then my steps carry me closer and uncertain fingers pick it up. It is still there. It is still real.

I take it by the shoulders and let it fall open, then hold it against me and step into view of the mirror. And there I am. I, the person I am now, and I look excited and feminine. Finally, I undo the zipper at the back and step into it. The fabric is cool against my skin but despite the season, it is a pleasant feeling. Sadie’s house is warm enough. I turn away from the mirror and fight with the zipper for a moment but I manage to pull it up. I’m pretty flexible. Then it’s time to turn back to the mirror. My heart beats faster even before I turn but then I see myself and suddenly, everything is just calm. My heart is still hammering, obviously, but the queasy feeling from before is gone. It just feels… nice.

The person in the mirror is still the same. But the smile she gives me is just dazzling. Her cheeks are a little red and her eyes are glowing with this energy that I’ve just never seen before.

Did I just refer to myself as ‘she’? A giggle escapes my lips. I’m still watching myself and for like the first time in ever, I don’t feel dumb seeing myself laugh. This is nice. I feel light, I really do. Not the same as in the dream but close enough.

Sadie needs to see this. Should I try to dial back the smile? Do I want her to see all of it? I try to relax my cheeks, then make the mistake of meeting my own eyes in the mirror and break into another fit of giggles. Yeah right, fuck it. She can know. It’s her present after all.

My feet still bare, I leave the bathroom and slowly make my way down the stairs. Voices halt in the living room.

Then Kim’s voice calls, “Wells? It’s just me, I was hoping I could see, too?”

Even so, my face is a little warm when I enter the living room.

They’re both sitting on the couch. When I step around the corner, their eyes are already expecting me. Kim lets out an excited squeal, jumps to her feet and hugs me.

“Happy Birthday!!”

I’ve barely put my arms around her in return when she’s already stepping back again, her eyes on mine. “How does it feel?” she asks, beaming at me.

My face goes even warmer. “It’s… nice,” I say. “I like it.”

“Stop lying. You love it,” she says, her grin turning briefly mischievous. When I only shrug in response, unable to string together a coherent response, she doesn’t press it.

“You look amazing,” she says then, just before stepping away so Sadie can hug me too and I feel the smile from earlier return with such force that I doubt I could smile any broader if I tried.

“I’m so proud of you,” Sadie whispers into my ear a moment later. “Just keeping an open mind like this after everything that’s happened. And also, Kim is right. You look so amazing.”

An hour later, I’m still beaming and slowly but surely, my cheeks are starting to hurt. Kim has started to try different styles on my hair and Sadie’s trying to convince me to let her do my make up later. I’m still hesitant about that part because what happens if somebody comes over? Changing back and taking pins out of my hair is a matter of seconds….

“Have you thought about possible new names yet?” Kim asks all of a sudden, interrupting Sadie mid sentence. But Sadie doesn’t seem upset in the slightest. She goes immediately silent, excitement in her eyes.

I shake my head slowly. My stomach does a little jump and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to interpret that.

“Would you like to try it?” Sadie asks now with a beaming smile.

I shrug a little helplessly. “I wouldn’t know where to start….”

“Oh, don’t worry. No pressure, obviously. We can just suggest names and you can listen and then if you hear one you like, we can try calling you that for some time until you either figure out that you like it or that you don’t like it but would try another one or that you don’t want to change your name after all.”

I nod hesitantly after a moment and immediately, Sadie screams, “Sardine!”

It catches me so off guard that I break into breathless laughter and it takes me half a minute before I’ve calmed down again. The whole time, Sadie’s wheezing next to me and Kim’s absolute confusion doesn’t help much, either.

“Dad wanted to name me Sardine,” Sadie explains then. “And Wells is already named after the German name for catfish so wouldn’t that be funny?”

Kim lets out a little snort.

“Right.” Sadie smooths her expression, the mischievous glint in her eyes coaxes another giggle from my throat, then I’m calm, too.

“Leony,” Kim says then.

I shake my head. “We literally have a Leon in our year.”

Kim laughs a little. “And wouldn’t that be funny. But yeah.”

“What about Thalia?” Sadie says then and Kim makes a drawn out ‘oh’ noise to signal her approval.

I shrug. “I mean, it’s a nice name but… it feels a little too mysterious? Like, I’m not the right kind of person to be named that.”

Sadie nods after a moment. “I guess that’s fair.”

“What about Muriel?”

“Nah.”

“Aadhya?”

“Where is that name even from?”

“India.”

“I mean, sounds nice, but no. That would feel pretentious, wouldn’t it?”

“Hope?”

“That’s literally even worse. I’m not that melodramatic, you know?”

“Lilly?”

“Heh, you could open a club with Linea, then. Y’know, floral names.”

“Hm… I mean… maybe?”

“April?”

“More of a summer person myself.”

“What about Summer, then?”

“I’m not a fucking cheerleader.”

It continues like that for some time. Sadie pulls out all sorts of more or less exotic names from all around the world, even ones that would sound normal to western ears and Kim at some point very helpfully adds that I shouldn’t name myself after a TV-show or video game character because that gets weird later.

Then Sadie says, “Luisa?” And somehow, for some reason, I find myself nodding. Maybe because I haven’t ever met anyone named that and it still sounds normal. Like it’s a name normal parents would give their normal child. And still it’s pretty. I still feel like I fit within its letters, like it fits me.

“Luisa,” Sadie repeats, grinning.

“Lu!” Kim exclaims from behind me.

That grin from earlier returns and I rotate my jaw to stretch the muscles a little.

“Been grinning too much today?” Sadie teases. “Was about time, to be honest. You got way out of practice there, Lu.”

And even though my face goes hot, the grin just won’t budge from my lips.

Then the doorbell rings and suddenly I’m sprinting up the stairs while Sadie and Kim go to distract Henry at the door so I can change back into my normal clothes.

SeptemberMorgan

Noticed the little jab at a certain other main character from one of my stories there? This chapter was a LOT of fun to write!
Please tell me what you think and have a great week!