“It’s the virus,” I say between gritted teeth. “It’s the fucking virus. I-” I can’t make myself go on.

“Shit,” Henry says next to me. “It’s okay, you know. I doubt this’ll have been the last time. And anyway, I’m sure you’ll get strong again once you’re….”

I let out a bitter bark of a laugh. “Will I?”

Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? That’s the great question I’m trying to answer and I’d even tentatively hoped I’d found the answer and yet here I am.

Abruptly, I turn away. I need to be alone. Or maybe with Kim and Sadie.

“I’m going down.”

Hurried steps behind me. “I’ll come along!”

“No, please, I…” I turn briefly and try to smile. There’s hurt in his eyes. “I think I’d prefer to be alone now. Y’know, wallow in self-pity or whatever.” I’m barely listening to myself. “You’d hate it. You’ve got better stuff to do.”

“I really don’t –”

“You know what I mean.”

He gives a jerky nod. “Right. Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologise for.”

None of the other boys call out to me as I walk away. All of them saw it. I’m sure some of them heard the last part of the conversation. All of them know what’s going on. They’ve seen me jump from stupidly high places before.

I don’t meet any of their eyes. As quickly as I safely can, I make my way back to the window and climb into the building.

Worlds clash in my head. Desperately, I try to get a world right in my head where I don’t care about parkour as much, where I am not this reckless person, running through the night with Henry, wild and free.

My chest constricts violently suddenly and I have to stop in the dark of the corridor, close my eyes and take deep, deliberate breaths to calm myself down again.

I can’t cry. Not here. Not now. Not because of this.

But I can’t get it right. I see the pictures, I see this girl gliding across the ice alongside Sadie but I can’t feel it. I can’t find myself in it. If I know what I want to be, why can’t I figure out a way to be?

It’s not working. My throat won’t open up.

Quickly, I make my way down the stairs. I need to be out of sight by the time I start crying. There’s not much time left.

Of course Sadie and Kim notice. I don’t suppose there was ever a world where I made it out without their knowledge. But they don’t follow me. Not immediately, anyway. Instead, they trail after me, much slower than I am, and I know they’re going to be there within minutes once I’ve settled down somewhere.

In the end, I find myself sitting down on a bench in the designated smoking area, my back to a thick wall of bushes, looking out onto a small pond that’s slowly falling victim to wild nature. The tears are flowing freely then, but it’s a muted kind of sadness. The screams from earlier have dulled down and all that escapes me are silent little sobs and sniffling.

Sadie and Kim don’t say anything as they approach me. They sit on either side of me and Kim rubs my back and then Sadie hugs me from the side and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck.

They don’t expect me to say anything. They’re just there for me. And if I decide to talk, they’ll be there and listen and if I let them, they’ll try to help. And I’m tired of trying to do all this on my own.

That’s why I say after a few minutes, “Nothing makes sense.”

Neither of them says anything for a moment, waiting for me to go on. Then Kim says, thoughtfully, “Sometimes it doesn’t.”

Sadie hums in agreement but doesn’t add anything.

“Are you having doubts?” Kim asks then.

“No! …Yes?” I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. Like, I don’t doubt… you know, wanting to wear dresses…” It still feels strange to say those words. But that at least I’ve grown certain of these last few weeks. I’ve brought it over to my room now and it’s hidden underneath a pile of old clothes and every night I’ll put it on and just sit on the edge of my bed for a bit or stand before the mirror without moving and just look at myself. Really, the certainty is much more of a knowledge now but how does that help? It’s like the contrary directions my mind is trying to go in are slowly tearing me apart. “But I just can’t see it. I just tried to jump from the roof and I couldn’t make myself. It was only three metres onto grass, I used to be able to do that. But at the same time, there are these things I want to be and then there’s this thing that I want to be able to do but now I’m wondering whether I might be able to give it up. And I don’t know if I’m okay with… being okay with giving it up.”

My head is swimming. It’s like my thoughts are trying to go everywhere at the same time and it takes all of me to reign them in. Putting them into words on top of that seems like an impossible task. “I think that’s where you’re wrong, Kim. I am changing. I don’t know if I like it or not, which is the whole fucking problem. I just don’t know and it’s eating me up. I’d trade for hating this in a heartbeat because at least then I would know! I just want this to stop.” I end my speech in a helplessly thin voice.

With comforting warmth, Kim’s hand finds mine and squeezes it lightly. “You know, it used to be similar for me. When I started to… like what the virus did to me, I hated myself for it because of everything I had to endure because of the virus. It felt like some fucked-up form of Stockholm Syndrome. Like I was wrong to ever even consider liking my new body. Because it was just so much easier to band up with everybody else around me and hate myself.”

It makes me feel so stupid and childish, listening to her. Because what she went through was so much worse, wasn’t it? The source of virtually all my problems right now is me. The only one I’m fighting is me.

I laugh joylessly. “I should really shut up, huh?”

Kim gives me a nudge in response. “That’s not my point and you know that. And anyway, there are still times I get dysphoric. You know, the thought of this, that I’m only the person I am because of the virus, getting out makes it hard to breathe sometimes. And I’ve had years to get accustomed to it. What I can say though, and I hope this applies to you, too, is that it’s usually better in the morning.”

“And,” Sadie adds, her voice slightly muffled by the awkward position of her head, “if you ever feel bad now, you have us, right?”

I look at Kim, then, and her lips are wearing this dreamy smile that somehow makes it just that little bit easier to bear.

“Yes, I suppose I do.” She giggles lazily, leaning back to look up at the stars. “Like a self-help group.”

The moment ends abruptly when there’s the crack of a branch in the bush behind us. Kim flinches hard and looks suddenly like a scared rabbit, her head snapping around to stare fearfully into the dark behind us. Sadie and I look too and for a long moment, we sit in perfect silence.

Then Kim gets up and checks the time on her phone. “We should head back now. Mum will be there to pick us up in twenty minutes.” But even through her calm facade, I see her glancing in the direction of the bushes as she speaks.

I nod. “Yeah, we should probably help tidy up a little, too.”

As we walk away, I add, “You know it was just some animal, right?”

Kim gives a vague nod. “I guess.” Then she looks at me with a slight smile. “Feeling better now?”

“Yeah.”

The others are emerging from the school as we walk across the school yard and join us on our way back to Leon’s. Henry clearly notices that I’m doing better now and he looks at me with an emotion in his eyes that I can’t read. He must know that it was Kim and Sadie who made me feel better again. I hope he doesn’t feel hurt because I said no to him but yes to them, even if he can’t understand.

He doesn’t mention it, though, just brushes his shoulder against mine as we walk back, like he’s happy I’m doing better.

Kim’s mum is already waiting for us, it turns out. Kim still offers to help tidy up a little before the others go to sleep but Leon tells her to get out before he kicks her out himself, she’s already done enough today, thanks very much. Linea hugs her goodbye and says she’ll take good care of them and slave everybody through the house in the morning so Leon won’t have to do all the tidying up himself, before telling Sadie and me that we better take care of Kim and give her back in one piece because she’s only lending her to us.

Then we’re in the car and Kim’s Mum is driving us home. We’re mostly silent for the drive, I suspect both because we can’t really speak about what’s happened earlier before her mother and because they can’t call me by my name. My name, Luisa.

But the drive doesn’t take terribly long and it’s a pleasant atmosphere in the car. Kim’s mum put on music at a low volume and we’re all sort of sleepy already, leaning back against our headrests, enjoying the view of darkly silhouetted trees and houses flitting past.

We don’t stay up much longer once we’ve arrived. Together, we brush our teeth in Kim’s very own private bathroom, then take turns changing into pyjamas. Kim’s room is easily large enough for the three of us. She’s taken two separate mattresses from the guest rooms and put them on the floor, all prepared with blankets and pillows, just waiting for us to sink into them, ready to rest.

So that’s what we do. After a night that seems to have lasted for years with everything that’s happened, we finally settle into our pillows, Kim switches off the light and wishes us a good night and the last thing I remember is breathing in the smell of her detergent and thinking about how nice it smells and how nice the stiff sheets feel against my skin.

***

The next morning starts with a knock against Kim’s door and Kim’s mum carrying in a large tray stacked with plates of toast and bacon and scrambled eggs, bowls of fruit, jars of jam and bottles of orange juice. She gives me a gentle smile as she walks past me to set it down on Kim’s desk, then explains to Kim in a silent voice how her parents are going to be away for the rest of the day.

Then she leaves, turning briefly at the door to wish us a nice day.

We lay in bed a while longer, revelling in the feelings of a lazy Saturday morning as sunlight falls through the tall windows, warming us. It’s going to be warm for a few days longer before the temperature is going to return to February standard.

We eat in bed, sitting cross-legged, talking, laughing. I really do feel better now, everything seems better now than it did yesterday.

And when we’re done eating, the two tell me to go shower and shave my legs while they get a head start on picking out clothes for me.

I return twenty minutes later, my hair smooth and smelling slightly of pine. They’re waiting for me of course, sitting on Kim’s bed a whole array of stuff spread out around them.

“What would you like to start with?” Kim asks with a gleaming grin.

I take a moment to let my gaze glide across the selection. Then I point to a dark-red dress. “Maybe we could do something with that?”

Kim raises her eyebrows appreciatively and Sadie whoops. “I see we’re treading fancy grounds this morning.”

Sadie jumps to her feet. “Aight, you help Lu change, I’ll get the makeup ready. This is gonna be fu-hun!”

We spend the next several hours playing dress up with me as the mannequin. Sadie applies several different makeup looks to my face, and does my hair up in all sorts of fancy ways, all the while swapping me through outfits from ballroom to casual street look. I can’t say I don’t love it. Seeing myself in the mirror with my lips tinted a dark red and my eyelids coloured smokey makes my eyes laugh and my stomach light in the best way possible. Learning how to walk in heels and struggling my way down the stairs in a ballgown is hilarious. Kim takes all sorts of pictures she sends me and then deletes them from her own phone, just to be safe.

And then Sadie and I emerge from the bathroom, just having undone the makeup from the last look, still red and out of breath from the last fit of laughter, and find Kim sitting on her bed, still like marble. She doesn’t react to us in any way, her eyes fixed upon the screen of her phone.

Immediately, all joy is flushed from my body. There’s a strangely empty look in her eyes. Her hand is shivering slightly.

“Kim?” Sadie asks, stepping closer.

Kim’s breath is going in quick and short bursts.

“Kim!” Sadie says, a little more urgently now.

And then, finally, Kim looks up at us, her eyes so full of fear it makes my stomach turn. Slowly, she outstretches her arm, offering her phone. It’s a WhatsApp chat she’s opened, an unknown number sent two messages.

Unknown: I know your little secret. What will I see to keep me silent?

And underneath it is a video that just shows a black screen but then Sadie presses play and we hear Kim’s voice say, “You know, the thought of this, that I’m only the person I am because of the virus, getting out makes it hard to breathe sometimes. And I’ve had years to get accustomed to it.”

SeptemberMorgan

Well, I think this is a great time to drop another reminder that you can read ten whole chapters ahead on my Patreon! (patreon.com/September784)
Also, please do tell me what you think of the new chapter or the story as a whole if you haven't yet!
Have a great week!