My throat is tied in a knot. My hands are sweaty. From the periphery of my consciousness, I hear Sadie make a weird little strangled noise.

I want to say something but what’s there to say?

This is my fault. Without me, without anybody knowing, she wouldn’t have said those words, that person wouldn’t’ve been able to record and Kim wouldn’t be looking at the floor that way, like it might warp to swallow her whole any moment.

“I need to reply,” Kim says, rocking back and forth, her voice tiny and shivery. “I need to know what he wants…” she swallows hard and draws a shaky breath. “What he wants me to do.”

There are tears in her eyes.

“There’s no way! You can’t just do what that disgusting scumbag wants!” Sadie replies heatedly.

“You don’t get to decide that! I have to! They can’t- They can’t know!” She’s frantic now, her eyes wild and somehow still pleading for a solution.

Sadie holds the phone out of Kim’s grabbing hands’ reach.

“Think it through at least. You know what he’s going to ask, don’t you!”

And what’s worse, all of us know that we know that person.

“Of course I do!” she cries. A single tear shakes loose from the movement and streaks down her cheek. “But what is there to do?” She’s hugging her chest now like she’s cold, like she feels naked and exposed.

“Turn off your phone,” Sadie says matter-of-factly. “And then we leave. Your parents left a car, didn’t they? You’re eighteen now. Let’s go wild camping or something and talk this through. Like, actually talk this through. Because you can do that now, that’s what we’re here for. Don’t forget that.”

“But what if he posts the video, then?”

Meaningfully, Sadie crouches before Kim and looks up at her. “Really think that scumbag will give up on a chance to see you naked when you haven’t even given him a definitive no yet?”

Kim cringes visibly at the word ‘naked’. But then she seems to consider for a moment.

“But what is there even to talk through?” she says then, weakly.

Gently, Sadie takes her hand. “Everything. We’ll talk about everything. And then, once you’re calmer, you’re going to make a decision, okay?”

Slowly, Kim nods. “Okay.”

“Right.” Some of the tension leaves Sadie. “Do you have any camping equipment? We’re going away from your phone, you’re going to leave it here. And once you don’t have the opportunity to check it, it’ll be a little easier, hopefully.”

“We keep it in the basement. There’s a tent there and everything we need, really.”

“Good. Now let’s change into appropriate clothes and get going. The faster we’re out of the house, the better.”

So that’s what we do. It barely takes us twenty minutes to get the car ready. Kim’s parents left the jeep when they went away and everything fits easily into the large trunk. We don’t bother packing meals, just take marshmallows and cereal bars, it’ll be enough for the day and the morning.

At last, Kim writes a quick note that she left her phone to be able to disconnect a little and that she’ll be back tomorrow, then we get into the car and drive.

Kim knows where to go, says she came across this camping spot some time ago and never really had the chance to go there until now.

It’s an hour away by car. We listen to music on a low volume but don’t really talk apart from that. Kim doesn’t seem quite ready for it yet. She sits straight in the driver's seat, her face just a little tense, both hands on the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the road.

It’s still okay outside, warm enough that we’ll be fine for the night. But the sky is also overhung with clouds and it’s windy. The sun is about to set. The weather report says it won’t rain but that’s kinda hard to believe right now. Still, it hasn’t happened, by the time we arrive.

It’s a large meadow leading right up to tall and weathered cliffs, a set of benches and a fireplace at the very top, with a perfect view across the uneven sea.

Sadie and I set up the tent together. We don’t look for a protected space, just set it up right a little further away from the cliff than the benches. Sadie’s rather proficient at it and it barely takes ten minutes before we’re done.

Then we go after Kim, who’s excused herself to go down the cliffs to the small strip of beach that is visible at the bottom of a steep set of metal stairs.

We see her from far away, a fleck of blue jacket and blonde hair billowing in the wind against the backdrop of wet sand. She doesn’t move. Nothing about her moves but her hair.

Sadie shoots me a worried glance as we step onto the sand that barely gives in to our weight. Kim doesn’t move when we come closer, doesn’t shift as we stop on either side of her. She’s put on a scarf and pulled it up to hide her chin. She has her left arm pressed ribcage below her breasts, the elbow of her right arm propped against it, her hand at her mouth. I can’t quite tell if she’s chewing her nails or pinching her lower lip. Her gaze is out of focus.

“I really get it now,” she says suddenly, looking at me. “Standing in the surf, standing in the wind, trying not to think.”

I told her, of course. I’ve told her virtually everything by now.

“I almost forgot what it’s like. What it’s truly like. This fear.” She gives a helpless little shrug and looks back out at the waves crashing towards us. One almost makes it all the way to our feet. “And still it’s barely a choice. Because where does this end? If I send one picture or one video or…. He’ll know the power he has over me, he’ll have even more of it, won’t he? So I know. I know what I’m going to do and I know what’s going to happen. Shouldn’t that make it easier? That I don’t have a choice, too. Because you’re right, giving in isn’t really an option. Shouldn’t it…? Why is it so hard?”

Slowly, giving her all the time she needs to back away if she so chooses, I put an arm around her. “It’s like it was with me, isn’t it? Except… y’know, a lot worse. Our experience shapes our expectations of the future and… some things just don’t wash off very easily.”

“I mean, we all know they’re gonna love you anyway, right?” Sadie adds from the other side. “Now it’s just a matter of wrapping your head around it. Making it your decision instead of letting the circumstances force you. You know, there’s no reason to be ashamed of who you are, the opposite. Literally everyone I’ve met here looks up to you.”

“And for what? Years upon years of hard work, never-ending hard work. I tried so hard to be somebody else that I barely even remember the person that is natural to me.” Kim lets out a cold, steely laugh. “I lied when I said that this has just become a part of me. It’s just another mask. I feel like such a hypocrite now. Supporting you and telling you to be yourself while, at the same time, here I am, hiding myself.”

“So show yourself, then,” Sadie says. “This is as good a time to start as any, isn’t it?”

For a long moment, Kim is silent. Then she gives an ever so slight nod. “Did you know I haven’t sworn in years? Planning parties and fundraisers is cool and all but when have I been to the movies the last time? I’ve never played computer games and that’s not because I don’t care for them.” She sounds angry now, her voice grows hard. “I’m sick of this. Fuck this! FUCK THIS! I’m strong. I’ve endured so much worse. They CAN’T! HURT! ME!”

“Preach!” Sadie yells with a grin.

Kim is standing differently now. Her arms are at her sides, her shoulders are squared and her face is alive again. She laughs and this time, it seems genuine.

“Fuck that felt good. Fuuck.”

I give her a nudge. “Swearing’s a great outlet, isn’t it?”

She shakes her head in disbelief. “I had no idea. Motherfucker.”

“Shitface.”

Kim grins a crooked grin and gives a little snort. “Shitface.” Then she looks around. “You know, I’d really been hoping to take you here on a nicer occasion. Just imagine being here on a summer night, having something like stick bread dough….”

“We could still have a good time,” Sadie suggests slowly. “I mean, you do kind of seem like our initial motivation for coming here is resolved, so if you feel up to it….”

Kim gives a sudden, jerky nod. “Fuck it, yeah. I’m going to tell them. On Monday. And until then, yeah, let’s have a fucking good time. Party at the end of the world or whatever they say. And anyway, I need to get my thoughts away from this or I’m going to keep running this same circle for the rest of the weekend until I probably go mad.”

So we go back up to the fireplace. We brought firewood and it takes Sadie fifteen minutes to get a proper fire going. Usually, she says, she would be faster, but the fireplace is wet and she spends the entire time teaching Kim the worst swear words of every language she knows. Kim’s an immaculate learner. She’s somehow able to imitate even completely foreign sounds in a matter of minutes and she doesn’t seem to forget them, either.

Fittingly, the sun has gone down by the time the fire is up and running. The wind has considerably eased, which is just as well because away from the fire it’s starting to get rather cold. But we’re not away from the fire. We get our sleeping bags from the tent and put them around our shoulders like blankets, then huddle around the bonfire and eat our snacks.

The mood really starts to pick up when Sadie suggests a game of truth or dare. We don’t spin a bottle and just go in turn. Right on her first turn, Sadie dares me to let them use feminine pronouns on me for the rest of the evening. At first, my brain goes immediately into defence mode, but by the time my face goes red and I get ready to blurt out something stupid, Kim’s picked up on the idea and gives me such hilariously cute puppy eyes along with Sadie that I can’t really refuse.

And anyway, what’s the problem? I already let them call me Lu. I’m already aware of how really, I like this body more than the one I used to have. So what’s the fucking problem, Wells? What’s the problem, Lu?

Soon, we’re laughing around the bonfire, snacking and chatting in between the truths and dares and I do notice when they quite deliberately gender me or call me by my name, but it’s not jarring in any way. It’s simply something I notice, something that will occasionally slip into my consciousness at the sound of a syllable and make me feel something I think I like before slipping away again at the next barrage of laughter.

It’s comfortable. The wind dies out almost completely and the fire warms our faces, hands, and feet while the blankets of our sleeping bags warm our backs. The air smells of smoke and sea salt, and my stomach is comfortably full and light still. The air is filled with the sound of our voices, the crackling of the fire and the slow rolling of the waves below.

I dare Kim and Sadie to kiss and they do it. They make a whole show of it. Sadie kneels on the bench next to Kim so that she’s a little taller than her, cups her face with both her hands and kisses her deeply. They don’t just stop at one, either. They keep going for a solid thirty seconds, stifling giggles in between the contacts of their lips, fingers caressing cheeks and necks. It feels wrong, somehow, to watch and I start yelling at them halfway through to go get a fucking room but they don’t listen of course.

When they stop, they don’t part immediately. Instead, Kim grins up at Sadie in this starry-eyed way and says, “Fuck, I’m sexually confused now,” and Sadie brushes her thumb against Kim’s cheek before breaking into a fit of giggles and getting back to her feet.

It’s Sadie’s turn next and she asks Kim to disclose her sexuality to us, which makes Kim’s face turn a bright shade of red. “I’m still figuring it out,” she mumbles in a way that’s so obviously trying to avoid the very clear answer she knows that Sadie and I just look at one another and break into laughter. Kim immediately interprets our reaction correctly and adds, “It’s neither of you, it’s just… it’s complicated, okay?”

“Of course,” I say as I meet Sadie’s eyes and once again have to hold down waves of laughter.

But then it’s Kim’s turn and she immediately takes revenge, saying, “Thank you very much. Now you can kiss Sadie.”

Sadie and I both splutter, the laughter suddenly stuck in our throats. Really, I should’ve expected it when I made the first dare. Only natural to dare me to do the same, isn’t it? Except I suppose I thought I’d be exempt from the kissing round because I’m not a girl. Kim seems to think somewhat differently about the matter.

“What?” Kim asks innocently. “Something the matter?” Then she halts herself and says, “Wait, did I miss something about you two?” in an almost accusatory way.

That of course doesn’t make the situation better by one bit. Sadie looks a little like she would just love to bury herself a hole and come out of it only when Kim has forgotten all about her, which is to say that she looks the exact way I feel.

“Oh c’mon, tell me.”

Sadie sticks out her tongue. “Only if you tell us who you’re in love with.”

“But….” She’s starting to fidget uncomfortably. “You’ll think I’m weird.”

Sadie doesn’t budge. “We most certainly will not. Want me to take a guess?”

Kim shrugs non-committally and Sadie says, “Linea.”

I give her a look. “Linea? I thought Leon….” I stop myself from arguing any further when Kim nods slowly.

“And why would that make you weird?”

Kim shrugs again, not meeting her eyes. “I’ve been deceiving her for more than four years now –”

Sadie raises an eyebrow. “Deceiving her how? By being her best friend?”

Kim doesn’t say anything and Sadie leans forward intently. “You know that she’ll still want to be your friend once you tell her about yourself, don’t you?”

Kim stays silent.

“And just because you tell everybody that you have the virus doesn’t mean that you have to tell her that you like her. And even if you did. I honestly think the chances aren’t even that bad she might like you back. And if she doesn’t, I’m pretty sure she’s a decent enough human being to not ditch you because of that.”

Kim’s still fidgeting, though. “It would be weird to tell her once… she knows. And the other way, too. It was always doomed.”

Sadie looks over at me, seeming a little at a loss at Kim’s stubbornness.

“Anyway,” Kim says then, seemingly having snapped herself out of it, forcing a grin. “Now you have to tell me what’s up with the two of you.”

Sadie shrugs, seemingly having gotten used to the idea of talking about it now. “Nothing much to it. I told her I was falling in love with her not too long after we became friends. And Lu said she was busy figuring out herself first.”

Again, the pronoun. But I just notice it. It doesn’t make me feel weird or anything.

“So… have your feelings changed since then?”

“No,” Sadie says in a thin and high voice, then clears her throat and squares her shoulders as her eyes meet mine. “I’m still in love with her.”

Somehow, I’m surprised and at the same time not. She seems so normal in her interactions with me but then again, she probably just got used to the feeling. And she definitely does spend a lot of time around me.

“And you’re still figuring yourself out?” Kim asks me.

I shrug and give a vague nod. I’d much prefer not talking about it.

“So, kiss then, lovebirds. ‘Tis your opportunity, no strings attached.”

Sadie catches my gaze with hers. “If you’re comfortable with it?”

I shrug, trying hard to seem casual. “Yeah, sure.” This could mean finding things out, couldn’t it?

So I get up, leaving my sleeping bag behind and make my way over to where she’s sitting with her back toward the ocean behind her. A little awkwardly, I sit down next to her. Our gazes are locked together like they might never come loose again. I see the light of the fire reflected in her eyes.

Slowly, she raises her hands and gently places the tips of her fingers against the edges of my face. Then she leans in just as I begin to move and we kiss. Her lips are soft as they meet mine and I feel the pull of her kiss only barely. It’s such a tender and fleeting moment. Something so precious, somehow, even without love attached, that I want to hide it behind a thick glass wall to stare at for all of eternity. But that would be misunderstanding the whole point of finiteness, wouldn’t it?

Our lips have barely met when she’s already retreating. She doesn’t get far, though, because Kim shouts, “Do it properly, girls! You weren’t so shy with me, Sadie!”

For a moment, there’s an ever-so-slight frown on Sadie’s forehead and she makes a tiny movement like she might want to flip Kim off. But then a breeze hits us and her hair moves in the wind and something shifts in her eyes. Just barely, she lowers her head, asking for permission. I answer with an equally tiny movement and she comes in again.

And I let myself sink into her. For this tiny eternity, it feels like we melt into each other, our colours swirling in beautiful ribbons like thick paint being mixed on a platter. It just feels so nice. Being this close to somebody. Feeling her hot breath against my face, her hands gripping me with more determination, this time, holding me, pulling me in, showing me that I exist and that I can be touched in nice ways, too.

Later, as the fire is slowly flickering out, we sit next to each other on Sadie’s bench, huddled together to preserve heat, looking out at the sea. It’s late into the night but none of us want to go to sleep yet, even though we’re tired. It’s trying to squeeze that last drop of nice memories out of the moment, preserving the atmosphere just that bit longer. Because tomorrow we’ll have to wake up and return home to all the struggles we’ve run away from for the night.

“The stars are out,” Sadie says in a low voice like we have to keep quiet so as not to disturb the world around us. She has leaned her head against my shoulder and I let her because somehow it doesn’t feel weird. If she’s been in love with me for so long now and it hasn’t ever been weird, why should it be now?

“It’s so pretty, isn’t it?”

Both girls hum in agreement. It seems strange now, how I used to hate the sight. Just a few months ago. Have I really changed that much? Discovered new parts of myself, more like, but the answer is ‘yes’ nevertheless. I like this. I like the sea, I like the crackling bonfire, I like myself. It’s like I used to be so hell-bent on being a different person that I wouldn’t even let myself consider all the nice things around me. Because that person wouldn’t like the view of the sea. That person wouldn’t like sitting with two girls at a bonfire without being together with at least one of them. That person wouldn’t like being a girl.

“You know what we have to bring the next time we do this, when it’s a little warmer out?” Kim asks from Sadie’s other side. She’s leaning against her, too, her platinum blonde hair only briefly rising into view as she raises her head to look at us.

“What?”

“Alcohol. I really need to get fucking pissed sometime, now that I’ll let myself. And I honestly can’t think of better company for that you.”

For a moment I want to say, ‘What about Linea?’ but then I don’t because I don’t want to take away from the moment.

“Yeah, I’d pay to see that,” Sadie says. “We really need to do this again once it’s gotten warmer.”

In the eternally distant future, when I’ve finally figured myself out and Kim has faced down her entire social circle and told them the truth. When we won’t have to come here to run away but to celebrate ourselves.

SeptemberMorgan

This has gotta be my favourite chapter so far!
As always, please tell me what you think and have a lovely weekend. Also, a very merry Christmas to all those who celebrate!