
For a long moment, Benedict Schafer stares at me. Like he’s trying to figure out whether he just walked in on a secret. But shouldn’t my expression be obvious enough?
My muscles strain with tension. My head spins. I’m breathing these tiny, quick breaths that barely move your chest at all. I wish I was different now. I wish I could just smile and say, ‘hello’. But at least in that regard, I’m still the same. I can’t bear their eyes on me. I feel naked. My cheeks burn. My heart is racing. I feel vaguely sick.
Then Cordelia says, “Wells?” in this high voice that so reminds me of Sadie and that finally snaps me out of it.
Without saying a word, I jump up and flee the room. They’re still standing by the door, so I run to the room Sadie and I share and slam the door behind me. But that doesn’t help. I still can’t breathe. There isn’t enough air in this room.
I open the window. Climbing out is easy. I’m fast. Seconds later, I’m running down the street, away, away, away. I can’t be there. I don’t care that I’ll have to return. I can’t breathe. I need to think.
The street tilts suddenly and I lose my balance. I don’t have the presence of mind to do a safety role. Instead, the heel of my left hand crashes into the rough stone and my right forearm takes most of the hit.
Fuck. Did I get blood on the dress?
Immediately, I’m back on my feet. I’m used to falling, though I usually do it with a lot more grace. But the dress is fine. Not a fleck of blood. Only then do I notice the dull pain pulsing in my knee and the burning sensation in my forearm and hand. My elbow is scraped open and bleeding slightly. A single drop of blood pulls loose and runs along my forearm to the back of my hand. The heel of my hand is just raw.
I really should’ve brought shoes, huh? My feet are still bare.
Carefully, I wipe the drop of blood with my other hand. I’m lucky the wound’s already stopped bleeding. Weirdly, the pain feels good. It’s a welcome distraction.
I don’t continue running. My feet hurt from the fall and my knee took the worst of the damage, so I walk the short distance to a little bench not far from a little cafe and sit down to wait for my knee to stop hurting.
Sadie will probably find me here. Her parents probably won’t come looking. Really, it’s ideal. I should want Sadie to find me.
Carefully, I arrange my limbs in a way that’ll keep the dress clean, close my eyes and put my head back against the wall behind the bench. It’s warm, just sitting here is nice.
It’s weird how I already have myself back under control mostly. The fear of having gotten the dress dirty must’ve slapped the panic right out of me. At this point, it feels like the panic’s a reflex more than anything. Especially with Sadie’s parents, people I barely have to interact with anyway.
“Are you okay?” a deep, heavily accentuated voice asks from next to me.
I look up. A boy’s standing next to me. He can’t be much older than me, his skin is tanned and his black hair falls into his face in curls.
I nod. “Yeah, I’m –” I stop myself when my finger touches mechanically against my cheek to put back a strand of hair and finds it wet with tears. I sniffle but nod again. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
His eyes flicker to my hand, then to my elbow. “You’re bleeding.”
He’s wearing black jeans, a black T-shirt and a black apron. He must be working at the cafe. Must’ve seen me as he was serving some of the people sitting outside.
I inspect my elbow like I hadn’t noticed. “Yeah, I fell.”
He nods, his eyes locked on mine. A smile’s playing around the corners of his mouth. “I’ll be back,” he says in this drawn out, Greek accent and walks back into the cafe.
I watch him leave, a little stunned. Did that guy really just talk to me out of nowhere?
I look around but nobody’s watching me, nobody’s filming.
The boy returns a minute later, a small, white box with a red cross in his hand. With a grin, he sits next to me on the bench. “Let me help you, okay?”
I eye him but then nod. He’s being nice, isn’t he?
With practised ease, he opens the box and sprays disinfectant on his hands. “So, what’s your name?” he asks then, as he sprays the disinfectant on a cotton pad.
I look at him. He’s still smiling.
“Luisa?”
“Hi,” he grins. “My name is Elias.” Then, gently, he places his index finger against my upper arm, prompting me to turn it so he has easier access. The disinfectant stings in the wound, but it doesn’t take long and he’s done and putting a band-aid over it. “Good as new,” he says and looks for a moment like he wants to give me a pat on the shoulder.
It’s endearing, somehow, and I can’t help but grin back at him shyly. “You’re not doing that for the first time, are you?”
He nods. “I have a little sister. She gets in trouble all the time. Keeps climbing and falling. But always gets back up. She loves the skateboarding.”
A giggle bubbles up my throat and his face lights up.
“So you’re okay now, yeah?”
I nod again, even though I was already mostly okay when he approached me.
“There is a party today,” he says then, handing me a plaster, disinfecting my hands so I can take care of my knee. He’d have to lean quite far into my personal space, so I appreciate his not trying to do it himself. “You could come if you need a… what do you say?” He snaps his fingers when the word comes to him. “Distraction!” Then he beams like he’s sitting in fifth grade and just gave the teacher the word he was looking for.
I giggle again. He’s so dorky! I’m somehow not even mad he’s pretty clearly trying to get… emotionally involved with me. Or physically. Probably physically, considering how he’s very aware of my tourist status.
“I’ll… have to ask my friend if she wants to come. Is it okay if I bring her?”
He nods eagerly. “Yes! Of course!” After handing me a larger band-aid for my knee, he packs up the box and gets out a small writing pad for orders. “Here, the… place and time, if you want to come. I have to get back to work, so… maybe see you there!” He hands me the paper before getting up. He winks at me before walking back to the cafe, an energetic bounce to his step.
He leaves me… confused, to say the least. Did a boy just flirt with me? And did I like it? My stomach does a very confused little leap.
“Who was that,” Sadie asks from my other side and I jump out of my skin.
She giggles. “Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.”
I eye her suspiciously. “How long were you watching?”
She shrugs. “I just saw him write something on the note he gave you.” Then she gives me a slightly devious grin. “Does that mean you’re going on a date?”
I let my eyes escape her gaze as I’m fighting down both a smile and the heat that tries to rise to my face. I only manage with the smile. “Not a date. He invited me to a party tonight.”
Her eyes sparkle and she leans in. “When? Fuck, Lu, it only took you a single day to get invited to a party by the locals? That’s gotta be some sorta record.”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t know him. I don’t even know if I want to know him. Like, he’s a boy, isn’t he?”
“Loosen up, girl!” she yells, shaking me by the shoulder. “We can just go and check it out and leave if it’s weird. You won’t be alone. And we can tell my parents so they can be there for backup.”
“But he’s a boy!” I protest.
She laughs. “That’s your opportunity, then, to find out if you like boys! Literally, there are no strings attached here. If you don’t like it, you’ll never have to see him again.”
I give a non-committal shrug. Her hand finds my shoulder and gives it a light squeeze.
“So… are you fine now?” It takes me a second to figure out what she’s talking about. Then I remember. Her parents. Me, in a dress at the kitchen table.
I shrug again. “I think so. It’s not like I had much of a reason to get upset to begin with.”
She opens her mouth to contradict but I shake my head.
“They’re just your parents. I barely have to interact with them. It shouldn’t be hard to tell them. I guess it was just the unexpectedness?”
For a long moment, she studies me in silence, then she nods. “Do you need help walking?” she asks with a nod toward my knee.
The pain has dulled by now, it shouldn’t be anything serious. A big fat bruise, but probably nothing broken. The theory is verified when I get up and carefully put a little weight on my knee. The pain does intensify but even then it’s bearable.
“Did you fall trying to climb out the window?” she asks with a slightly worried expression as we walk up the street to where I came from.
I snort. “I lost my balance running, actually.”
“What?”
“My head got a little fucked by the scare and I don’t usually run barefoot, especially not at the speed I was going at.”
The front door is unlocked when we arrive. As Sadie pushes the door open, I steel myself. This is great practice, isn’t it? Telling people, standing up for my identity.
They’re sitting at the table I was sitting at earlier. They seem to have been waiting for us and they look up as the door opens.
Sadie steps into the cooler room and I follow, slowly, awkwardly. The stone tiles are comfortable against my bare feet.
Sadie asked whether she should speak for me but I said it should be me. It has to be me. Better I stumble over my words now than next time, when it might actually count.
“Hi,” I say lamely. “I’m sorry for running off earlier.”
Cordelia nods and offers an encouraging smile. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you we were going to arrive earlier.”
They seem ready to move on and forget about the entire incident but I press on. This is something I have to do. “Sorry, do you think you could… call me Luisa while we are here?” I know I should take a break now to let them reply but the words continue flowing from my mouth. “It’s an experiment Sadie and I are doing, to find out whether I might want to be a girl.” Not the full truth but most of it. Not I want to continue being this way. But that’s got to be enough for now, right? Because that next step I still have to get used to having taken in my head. It’s too early to take it in reality yet.
Both of them nod immediately. “Of course, Luisa,” Benedict says, testing the name on his tongue.
And just like that, the tension falls away. It’s over, I’ve said it.
Next to me, Sadie nods sharply. “Right, we were just on our way to the beach when you arrived.” Then she gives me a look, asking me to gather up my things.
Her mother seems disappointed for a moment but then smiles through it. “We were planning to go to that restaurant by the beach tonight. You really liked the food there the last time we were here, didn’t you?” she asks as I duck out of the line of fire to put on my shoes. I can imagine well enough how this is going to play out.
Sadie rolls her eyes. “I was thirteen the last time we were here. And anyway, Lu and I have been invited to a party at that time so we won’t be there.”
For a moment I feel the reflexive need to say that we could just eat dinner a little earlier and still be well on time for the party but then I think better of it. There’s no way Sadie isn’t aware of that and her parents know, too. Really, what she’s doing is taking out her anger on them about the scare I got. Or she’s taking out her anger about everything they didn’t do for her on them. Or she’s just showing them the metaphorical finger, I’m not sure which is most likely, they are her parents after all.
A few minutes later, we’re back on the street, walking toward the bus station. I’m wearing shoes now.
“So, you decided we’re going to the party?” I ask into the silence that’s still heavy with the tension from her conversation with her parents.
She gives me a look. “Are you kidding? This is the best opportunity to go partying as a girl! Of course we’re going!”
“Okay.” It’s not like I’m entirely opposed to the idea. It could definitely be fun, even though it’s not as safe an environment as, say, our year’s parties – though, technically speaking, those aren’t safe either, but for entirely different reasons. Certain rooftop escapades, for example.
“Oh and before you start wondering,” she adds with a huge grin, “You’re not just wearing this. We are going shopping later.”
I look down at myself. “But what’s wrong with this dress?” I like it. And didn’t she say she liked it, too?
“Nothing. But this is a party! And anyway, I’ve been looking for excuses to go shopping with you, I’m not letting this one pass.”