Time went on.

 

It was, of course, difficult to guess how long exactly, but, if you had to hang a sign on the number of days that had passed, then let us just say it was around twenty-six-- roughly a month. Time, of course, had no real meaning on Snooze’s plane, but even after thousands of years as a god, she still hadn’t gotten used to the idea that progress was measured differently now. Snooze still found herself frequently wondering as to how many hours or days she was at work on a task, which made trying to time personal-bests in a headstand competition versus herself all the more difficult. She often lost track of her place, or stumbled over the numbers once she reached millions of seconds.

 

During those days, she spoke often with Savvy, and worked toward figuring out a solution to her issue with the uninvited guest to her humble abode. Twick. The little god had her own ideas as to what would constitute ridding him from the planet’s surface, but believed that waiting for Grotto to return would likely be the best course of all actions.

 

The QUACK herself had not made another visit yet, and Snooze grew anxious waiting. She thought about using the Relay Stone to summon her celestial district manager to her aid, but also decided that she didn’t want to bother her. She was new in her role, and the last thing she wanted to be--despite the woman’s protests to the contrary-- was a needy subordinate. No, Snooze thought it was better than someone else filled that role at first so she could swoop in and look like the cool god--the one that didn’t need any help unless it was an emergency. So, she resigned to just wait, and hope the QUACK would reappear soon.

 

To make matters worse, it seemed that whichever other planets that Savvy had been speaking with during that time with had no idea at all how to get in touch with Riff or her world. Every so often, Snooze would ask her planet for an update and was met with the same information: Nothing yet, Snooze.

 

So, Snooze spent her time interacting with Meat and Odd, both of whom had drastically different styles of play. Snooze had made the mistake of inviting them both to a round of “dodge-the-elements,” and the results had been disastrous.

 

Snooze would summon either Air or Water, and shoot little plumes of the stuff at her Archangels, sometimes mixing it up with another mostly-harmless third element like Plantlife. The object of the game was simple: they just had to avoid getting hit with her godspells while trying to get past her to the little stool they had set up to be the “safety zone.” But... it became very difficult to manage.

 

Meat was a team player. He’d run or fly at Snooze, goading her, and then she’d attempt to pelt him with a jet of plane-temperature water or a stiff breeze and he’d try his best at avoiding it. Odd… well, the little Archangel seemed to have a different understanding of the rules of the game. 

 

Odd did not seem to understand that she was the opponent in the game, and would instead attempt to sabotage Meat’s attempts to dive away from her attacks. The little Archangel would distract Meat by calling to him at the last second, or hurling itself into him to force him to be hit, and each time Meat failed to escape from Snooze’s attacks, the Archangel would cackle with tiny glee.

 

“YEAH! WE GOT HIM!”

 

Snooze had to explain almost every time that the two Archangels were on the same team, but she wasn’t sure if the starfish understood. Odd would also make up inexplicably complex rules on the fly as the game progressed, which had its own unique challenges.

 

“So, that’s THREE hits!” the little Archangel proclaimed after Meat was struck again. “That means you have to buy me JELLYBEANS!”

 

Meat gave Snooze a baffled look of confirmation, and she chuckled. 

 

“Don’t worry, Meat, I’ll take it out of your paycheck.”

 

Once that game lost its luster (which, admittedly took far longer than it should have) Snooze decided to call it quits, which left the two to their own devices. Odd seemed undeterred, convinced the game could still be played with its modified rules even without their element-slinging goalkeeper.

 

“We will just replace Snooze’s godspells with GLASS!” she heard Odd announce behind her as she made her way to the Book of Leaf.

 

HAVING FUN?

 

Snooze smiled at the text on Book’s display and shrugged her shoulders.

 

“It beats boredom,” she mused. “But it’s not nearly as fun as running for my life on my own planet.”

 

YES. BOREDOM. WELL, PERHAPS, IF YOU’RE FEELING BORED YOU COULD… I DON’T KNOW, CREATE THE AFTERLIFE THAT IS PART OF YOUR NEXT MODE OF PROGRESS?

 

“Alright, alright sheesh!” Snooze exclaimed. “What’s with the attitude? I just spent ten BAJILLION years sleeping, and another several days beyond that fighting off baddies, so I won’t apologize for wanting a vacation.”

 

YOU HAVE DITHERED FOR A WHILE, SNOOZE. TIME IS WASTING.

 

Snooze got a smug smile on her face.

 

“But, Book…” she began sweetly. “I thought you said time is meaningless for a god?”

 

There was no reaction from the text on the screen for a moment, to the point that Snooze began to worry she had caused the Book of Leaf to implode with rage. However, eventually, the text disappeared and a new message slowly populated. 

 

...FAIR ENOUGH. AT THE VERY LEAST, WOULD YOU DO ME THE PRESTIGIOUS HONOR OF ASSIGNING YOUR BLESSINGS?

 

“My what?” Snooze asked.

 

AH, DID I FORGET TO MENTION THOSE? I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. I FEAR YOUR FORGETFULNESS IS CONTAGIOUS. 

 

“Aw, Book,” Snooze said. “They say ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,’ and that makes me sincerely flattered.”

 

She winked at the display.

 

UNFORTUNATELY FOR BOTH OF US, SNOOZE, THAT IS ONLY PART OF THE QUOTATION, AND MUCH LIKE MANY OF THE EPITAPHS THAT YOUR PREVIOUS ILK TEND TO LOB AROUND AS IF THEY UNDERSTAND, IT DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

 

THE FULL QUOTE IS, ‘IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY THAT MEDIOCRITY CAN PAY TO GREATNESS.’ AS ONE OF FEW THINGS IN THE MULTIVERSE CAPABLE OF TYPE XXXV INTELLIGENCE AND COMMUNICATION:  I AM NOT MEDIOCRE. 

 

It’s important to note that the Book of Leaf’s mention of Type XXXV intelligence, was based on the laughable model of civilizations posited by one Nikolai Kardashev, an earthling who lived during the “almost-but-not-quite-right” time period of human development and location called the “Soviet Union.” Brilliant by human standards, but merely scratching the surface as to the understanding of the whole of the multiverse at large. 

 

His model suggested three types of civilizations in relation to their technological advancement and control of energy, with I being a group that has complete and total dominance of their own planet; II which were those beings that had harnessed the power of their entire solar system within which their planet resides; and III was originally those who have realized that the real energy was the friends we made along the way, but he quickly scrapped for: those who could bridle the magnitude of their galaxy.

 

Little did he know that there were actually thirty-five distinct classifications of technological wonder, including those that could harness the power of their own fingernails, and those who can speak to other star systems through beatboxing. But the bulk of the roman numerals would crush a listener under the weight of the yawning expanse of existential eldritch horror they contain, a madness so absolute that those who succumb to it would becoming raving mad loonies and unironically register to vote as member of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada.

 

But, no digressing, the Book of Leaf was mid-sentence.

...AND THOUGH YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A WONDROUS AMOUNT IN A SHORT TIME, I WOULD HESITATE TO REFER TO YOU YET AS GREAT. MERITABLE IN SOME REGARD, BUT YOU WILL TAKE A BACKSEAT TO GREATNESS AT THIS MOMENT.

 

“Well, you really know how to lance a girl’s balloon of self esteem, don’t you?” Snooze asked. “What are these Blessings?”

 

THEY ALLOW YOU TO BESTOW A SINGLE GIFT TO YOUR FOLLOWERS.

 

“Ooh, neat, I want to give Viz a tattoo!”

 

...THESE GIFTS ARE MORE DESIGNED AROUND FORTUNE AND DESTINY.

 

“That’s lame. Let’s break even and say a dope septum piercing.”

 

...I WILL NOW LIST THE BLESSINGS YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

BLESSINGS [ 2 TO BESTOW ]

 

BLESSING OF THE HEROIC - THIS BLESSING BESTOWS A FATE OF VALOR AND HONOR ONTO ITS RECIPIENT. FOREVER WILL THEIR DEEDS BE THOSE RESPLENDENT DOINGS THAT ARE SUNG ABOUT IN SONGS AND HERALDED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. THEIRS WILL BE A STORIED LIFE, THOUGH NOT NECESSARILY AN EASY ONE.

 

BLESSING OF THE COIN - THIS BLESSING BESTOWS A FATE OF FORTUNE AND LUCK ONTO ITS RECIPIENT. NO MATTER THE FINANCIAL TROUBLES THEY CURRENTLY FIND THEMSELVES IN, THEY WILL BREAK AWAY FROM IT AND SUFFER THE BURDEN OF EXCESS WEALTH AND MYRIAD GAINS. 

Snooze waited for a moment, but found herself disappointed. There were only two, and she had four followers. Well, three if you only counted the ones who weren’t a whole friggin’ planet. That meant one person would be left out of the blessing baptism considering she didn’t think either of those things would be appealing or applicable to Savvy.

 

“Will I get more?”

 

THAT IS TO BE SEEN, SNOOZE. HAVING GAINED TWO BLESSINGS AT SUCH A LOW LEVEL IS A FEAT UNTO ITSELF, AND AS THEY SAY, ‘YOU MUST NEVER LOOK A GIFT IN THE MOUTH.’

 

“I don’t think that’s correct, but… alright.”

 

She considered her options for a moment.

 

The Blessing of Coin would definitely go to Hal. She only joined up with the den of dastardly douchebags because she wanted a better life for her family. If she could procure wealth in all manner of things, she would be set, and could return home and probably not worry about getting made into Brugg nuggets because some other villainous reprobate chased her down to steal her gems. 

 

So that one was settled. But what about Viz and Rekky? She felt terrible because on the one hand, she’d already inconvenienced the Mediator by stealing her fake Book of Leaf and collapsing her very important faith, but on the other hand--Rekvahn was a lot nicer. He was also the last surviving--well, sort of-- member of her original Meatlings, and she felt she owed it to him for carrying that mantle alone. 

 

Though, when she considered it, of the two of them, the necromancer already had a modicum of infamy, and would likely continue unimpeded in that regard all on his own. It would be a waste of a Blessing to give him more renown. From what little she knew of Rekvahn, she thought that perhaps he would be offended by the idea of getting a boost to his notoriety with a silly little divine intervention.

 

So that meant it would go to Viz. She’d find something else to give Rekvahn later. Maybe a darling little hat to cover his skull-like pate. Savvy would be the toughest follower to bestow with something, though. The planet was hard at work trying to contact Riff for her and she’d be willing to do just about anything to repay her for that, even if it was a fruitless endeavor in the end.

 

“Alright,” Snooze stated seriously. “Hal will get the Blessing of the Coin, and I’m giving the Blessing of the Heroic to Viz.”

 

AS YOU WISH. 

 

There was a slow snapping sound, and suddenly, the queue of Blessings disappeared from the display leaving only the message of:

 

BLESSINGS [ 0 TO BESTOW ]

 

“So, how do I get more Blessings?”

 

YOU CAN RECEIVE THEM IN DIFFERENT WAYS. EVERYONE GETS ONE AFTER REACHING LEVEL SIX, BUT THE METHODS FOR THEIR ACQUISITION ARE ALMOST TOO MANY TO NAME. YOU, FOR INSTANCE, RECEIVED ONE FOR ACHIEVING LEVEL SIX AND ANOTHER FOR GAINING YOUR OWN PLANET AS A FOLLOWER. 

 

“Well, what can I say?”

 

I’M SURE YOU CAN SAY INNUMERABLE THINGS THAT WILL NOT BE ON TOPIC AND WILL DEVOLVE INTO NON SEQUITUR. IN THIS CASE, NO WORDS ARE NEEDED. 

 

Suddenly, a tiny blur rocketed across the black stone of the plane as Odd darted toward them, climbed up Snooze’s body, and nestled itself in the crook of her shoulder behind her head. The creature peeked out cautiously from behind Snooze’s ear and squeaked.

 

“I gotta HIDE!”

 

Before Snooze could say anything in response, there was an angry whistle from far away. Slowly, Meat stomped into view, his body a vibrating red. The Archangel shot a look in every direction as it passed by them, searching diligently for something. Snooze noticed that Meat’s body was riddled with shards of glass. Not wanting to know how Odd had procured something like that, she felt the little creature shift as the much larger Archangel moved by, to avoid being seen. As Meat disappeared from view, Odd seemed to relax, dropping down to let its lower appendages dangle over the edge of Snooze’s shoulder in a posture that definitely resembled sitting.

 

“That was a CLOSE one!” Odd exclaimed, and dramatically wiped faux sweat from its brow, then it began attempting to climb back down from its outstanding elevation.

 

Snooze couldn’t help but chuckle. The little being was a unique breed, that was to be sure. As Odd began its descent, Snooze lifted her palm and the creature climbed into it. Then it stretched out and its single eye-mouth turned into a yawn.

 

“I’ve tarried with the summit! I’ll make for base tomorrow!” Odd exclaimed sleepily, and then closed its singular eye and fell asleep.

 

Snooze carefully lowered her open hand to the ground and gently deposited the slumbering bundle onto the blackened ground. Odd didn’t stir as she did so, and the sight of its repose warmed her heart. Whatever strangeness she’d encountered here, it was worth it for these rare moments that she would never have been able to experience anywhere else.

 

A prompt from the Book of Leaf caught her attention.

 

SNOOZE.

“Yes?” she asked, expecting her companion to ask her to change her mind on starting work on the afterlife.

 

IT IS SAVVY. 

 

Snooze wasn’t sure what her world needed, but she smiled.

 

“What does Savvy want? A different name? Tell it that Cecil is still avai--”

 

SHE’S BEEN SUCCESSFUL. SHE HAS CONTACTED RIFF.

 

---

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

 

Hey all,

 

Sorry for the leave of absence. I feel personally victimized by 2020. First COVID, then I break the shit out of my phone. It's my only resource for writing because I am "a poor" and can't afford a computer, so it really wing clipped me from being able to update chapters. But, not to worry, I am now on pace again, having done some back logging. I'll be releasing more regularly for the next little while.

BTW, the next two installments, Chapter 44 and 45 have already been posted on my Patreon page for those of you who would like early access. Feel free to check it out.

I appreciate you all, and thanks for the comments. Even if I can't respond to all of them, I read them all, so really--thanks so much!

-Sig