Chapter 15: Breakdown
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The evening air had a sharp bite to it as I adjusted my robes, my fingers fumbling slightly as I tried to regain the familiar comfort of my usual attire after leaving the tight dress that had chafed me all day. It had been a constant reminder of the role I was trying to fit into, but at least now, in these looser robes, I felt like I could breathe again.

Hana’s soft knock interrupted my thoughts. She entered, her movements as graceful as ever, a slight bow of her head signaling her respect.

“Lady Murasakikiba,” she said quietly, “Lady Nessa requests your presence in the council room.”

I nodded, trying to smooth my expression before following her. As I walked behind Hana, my thoughts drifted back to Elias’s invitation to the grand party. It sounded like an appealing distraction from everything that weighed on my mind, but I wasn’t sure Nessa would allow me to attend. With so much at stake for the Felinor, slipping away for something so frivolous seemed unlikely. Hana had nodded as though it might be possible, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d probably have to decline Elias’s invitation.

Surprisingly, that bothered me. It wasn’t the party itself—I’d been to plenty of lively gatherings before, full of drinks and small talk, and they never held the same appeal anymore. What I truly looked forward to was seeing Elias again, if only for a little while. There was something comforting about being around him; in the short time I’d known him, he’d already understood me better than most. The thought made me smile a little.

We arrived at the council room. Nessa sat at the head of the long table, her sharp gaze meeting mine as I stepped in. There was a moment of silence, and then she spoke, her voice low but expectant.

“How did everything go?” she asked, as if she already had an inkling of the answer, but was waiting for me to fill in the details.

I gave a small nod, walking toward the chair across from her. “It went well,” I said, though I felt the weight of the situation press down on me. “The ambassador seemed genuine, and I think he really wants unity. I’m not sure if he meant all of it, but the offer felt sincere.”

Nessa’s expression didn’t shift. She didn’t seem surprised, only watchful. “Your friend?” she asked, her gaze flicking momentarily to my face. “Did you find any common ground?”

I hesitated, then nodded again. “It was nice to see Elias again. We’ve known each other for a short time, but there’s something comforting about being around him. He… he understands me in a way most people don’t.”

Nessa’s lips pressed into a thin line, but she said nothing, simply waiting for me to continue. I didn’t, and the silence between us stretched longer than I was comfortable with. Finally, she asked, her tone suddenly shifting to something more probing, “And the supplies?”

The question caught me off guard. I froze for just a moment, the words hanging in the air before I could form an answer. I kept my face neutral, masking my surprise, but inside, a knot formed in my stomach. “The supplies?” I repeated, keeping my voice steady. “It was a gesture of goodwill. The people needed it. They can’t go on like this—not with hunger, collapsing homes, and all the destruction. Miko handled the details. It should be fine.”

Nessa’s gaze sharpened, her lips curling ever so slightly. “And what did the ambassador want in return for those supplies?”

I hesitated again, unsure how to respond. I involuntarily flicked my tail, damn. I kept my voice level. “Nothing specific,” I said, the words coming out almost too quickly. “It was just a gesture. There was no price attached to it.”

Nessa didn’t respond right away. She leaned back in her chair, her fingers tapping lightly on the armrest, a thoughtful look crossing her face. After a beat, she spoke, her tone just a shade more strained. “We’re managing fine, but the humans keep making things difficult. You’ve seen how they’ve held back on more resources, especially with everything going on outside.”

I felt my jaw tighten at her words. “Managing fine?” I repeated, my voice sharper than I intended. “The Felinor outside the embassy are hungry, dirty, and don’t even have homes they can rely on. What could you possibly mean by ‘fine’?”

Nessa didn’t flinch at my tone. Instead, she smiled, though it wasn’t the warm smile of approval. It was more knowing, even amused. “You’re too easy, you know that?” she said, her voice light and teasing. “You want to help everyone. But how do you know all of this?”

I blinked, caught off guard by the sudden change in her demeanor. “What do you mean?”

She leaned forward slightly, resting her chin on her hand as she fixed me with an intense gaze. “How do you know about the conditions outside?” she asked, her voice dropping to a murmur. “How did you learn of all this... firsthand?”

I hesitated, my mind racing for a convincing lie. I’d never been good at deception, but I had to think of something. After a few long moments, I finally spoke, my voice measured. “I… I overheard some of the guards talking about it, and it just sounded… bad,” I said, the words feeling hollow even as I spoke them.

Nessa’s eyes narrowed slightly, but she didn’t seem convinced. She didn’t say anything for a long moment, and I could feel her weighing my words, sifting through the truth of them. Finally, she sighed, the sound carrying a weight I hadn’t expected. “I already know, you know.”

I blinked, stunned. “What do you mean?”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice your absence for hours on end?” Nessa’s voice was even, but there was an edge to it. “Even with all the chaos, all the nobles are still my charge. I keep track of them. I’ve been watching you, every step of the way.”

My mind reeled. I hadn’t expected her to know, let alone have been watching me so closely. My heart beat a little faster as I processed this new information. “Then… why did you let me go?” I asked, my voice coming out quieter than I intended.

Nessa didn’t seem perturbed by my question. She simply gave a small, almost knowing smile. “I wasn’t in a position to stop you, and frankly, I don’t always mind when a teenager sneaks around a bit.” Her voice softened for a moment before she waved her hand dismissively. “If I could have, I would have kept you here, but that’s the expectation. You know that.”

“I’m not a teenager,” I retorted, frustration bubbling up inside me.

Nessa waved her other hand, as though brushing aside my words. “Oh, you definitely are,” she said, her tone teasing but still serious. “But in some ways, maybe not. You still have a lot to learn.”

I clenched my fists, irritation creeping up. “I’ve learned plenty already. I don’t need to be treated like some child.”

Nessa’s lips quirked into a small smile, her eyes narrowing as she studied me. “You’re acting exactly like I’d expect a young person to, you know,” she said, her voice almost amused.

I opened my mouth, ready to protest, but she quickly raised a hand to stop me. “Ah, no, don’t argue with me,” she added, brushing off my expected response. “I’m just jesting with you. You’ve been thrust into this role with little preparation, and there’s much more you need to learn. It's not just about what you know—it’s about how you carry yourself, how you think, how you see things.”

I bit back my words, trying to steady my emotions as she continued.

“You’ll need to be more than just a noble,” she went on, her voice turning more serious. “You’ll need to command respect, authority. People will look to you for guidance, for strength. And that requires time. Something we do not seem to have much of.”

I felt my temper building, I wanted to argue with her, to tell her I wasn’t some naive child, but the weight of her words sank in. She was right—there was a lot I didn’t understand about this world, this role I’d been forced into. It wasn’t just about surviving. It was about leading. And I had no idea where to start.

Nessa sat back, her gaze intense. "Let's get to the heart of it," she said, her voice suddenly more blunt. "The humans are taking the supplies meant for us, and giving us just enough to survive. At first, I thought it was because of the animosity between the Felinor and the humans, but something’s changed. They're aware of the nobles here—though I don't know how. The humans are trying a new tactic: wooing a few of the nobility. And you're one of them, Lira."

I stiffened, not liking where this was going. "Why would they try to 'woo' me?" I asked, my voice more defensive than I intended.

Nessa’s lips curled slightly, a tight smile. “They know you’re of noble blood. But there’s more. A few critical cities and families are still in play. Li Shuan, your city, is one of them.”

I froze at the mention of Li Shuan. The weight of the name hung in the air between us, a familiar weight I hadn’t expected to feel in this context. “Li Shuan?” I echoed, my voice low. "What does that have to do with the humans or this... ‘wooing’ tactic?”

Nessa’s eyes darkened, her voice dipping to a conspiratorial tone. “The humans want to gain influence in your city. They know the Felinor are fractured. They know about the pressure from both inside and outside. And they think you—you—could be their key to securing that power.”

I blinked, trying to make sense of it. “Me? But I’m—” I stopped myself, suddenly aware of how much I had yet to reveal. “I don’t have any claim to power yet,” I finished weakly.

Nessa’s smirk deepened. “You’re wrong there. You are the bloodline they need. If you side with them, it would shift the balance in their favor. If you don’t, they might find another way to force the issue—either way, they want you to be their ally.”

I swallowed hard. The idea of being caught between these forces, pulled like a pawn in a game I didn’t understand, made my skin prickle uncomfortably. “What should I do?”

Nessa’s gaze softened slightly, her calculating edge receding just enough to reveal a glimmer of understanding. “The real question, Lira,” she said, her tone measured, “is what you want to do. We’re all bound by expectations, but every noble worth their name must decide where their loyalties lie—not just for their own sake but for the people who look to them.”

I looked away, struggling to gather my thoughts. The weight of responsibility felt like a vise around my chest. “I don’t know if I’m ready for all of this. I’m… I’m just learning who I am in all this mess,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.

Nessa leaned back, folding her arms as she studied me. “None of us are born ready. It’s our choices that make us capable—or reveal our weakness. Right now, you stand at a crossroads. The humans offer you influence, possibly power. We Felinor offer survival, unity… and a different sort of responsibility. You must decide where you fit in all this. And I can’t make that choice for you.”

Her words sank in, each one adding to the weight on my shoulders. I wanted to ask her for some hint of what the right path was. But even as I opened my mouth, I could see from the look in her eyes that she wouldn’t tell me.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” I asked finally, meeting her gaze. “From meeting with the ambassador, from talking to Elias?”

Her expression softened, her voice almost tender. “You need to see this world for yourself, and make sense of it with your own heart. Shielding you from the complexities of our alliances—who we can trust, who we can’t—won’t help you. To fully step into your role, you have to understand that not all intentions are pure, and not every promise is worth believing. Your friend is not always an ally, Lira. Some will twist, bend, and break you if they can. I need you to be careful. Don’t let your guard down here. The world won’t wait for any of us. No matter what the situation.”

Her words hung in the air, leaving me staring down at the table, my chest heavy. I thought of the friends I’d made, the people in the camp who’d given me a chance to belong. I wanted to be strong, to give back to them somehow. But the truth was, I just wanted everything to go away. All of it—the expectations, the responsibilities. I didn’t want any of it.

A soft, broken whisper escaped my lips. “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want any of this.”

The confession startled me. A flood of frustration welled up, and I bit my lip to hold back the tears, but one escaped, trailing down my cheek. Angrily, I wiped it away, ashamed at this crack in my resolve.

Why am I falling apart now? Why can’t I just… cope?

I clamped my hand over my mouth, but it was no use. The tears came anyway, slipping down my face despite my best efforts to hold them back. My breath hitched as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. The weight of it all—this body, this role, this constant pressure—pressed on me until I couldn’t breathe.

“Why…” I choked out, hating the weakness in my voice. “Why can’t I just handle this? I… I don’t want this. I don’t want to be a woman, I don’t want this body, this life—this everything. I just want it to go away. I want everything to be normal again.”

The words felt like poison in my mouth, raw and jagged as they left me, but I couldn’t stop them. The frustration, the anger, the hopelessness—it all poured out of me, each tear falling like a shattered piece of my resolve. I wanted to lock myself away, to escape it all, but I knew there was no running. No escape.

Just then, a soft weight settled over my shoulders. The warmth pulled me close, and I froze for a moment, too lost in the storm of my own emotions to react. But then I felt it again—a presence, steady and strong, like a gentle force holding me up when I felt like I was sinking.

Nessa.

She'd crossed the room, and before I could stop myself, her arms were around me. I stiffened at first, the closeness too much, but then my body gave in. The dam broke, and the tears came, no matter how much I fought them. My chest heaved with each broken breath, the weight of everything crashing down around me.

Nessa didn’t speak at first, and I was grateful for it. Her arms were a steady anchor in the storm, and I allowed myself to collapse into them, the sobs shaking my body. For once, the distance between us, the coldness that I had always known, melted away. Her presence wasn’t a demand, it wasn’t about her duty or the distance she often kept. It was simply... comfort. Quiet, unspoken, real.

After what felt like an eternity, she finally whispered, “I can’t change what’s happened to you, Lira. But I can be here. Let it out, if that’s what you need.”

Her voice was softer than I’d ever heard it—gentle, but there was something more there, something that wasn’t just the stern resolve I knew her for.

I nodded, still trembling, but as the sobs began to fade, I felt the wave of embarrassment hit me. I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want anyone to see this part of me. Especially not Nessa.

I pulled back, wiping my face roughly with the back of my hand. "Sorry," I muttered, trying to compose myself, but my voice cracked. "I… I should go."

Nessa didn’t stop me. She just watched, her expression unreadable, though there was something soft in her eyes that made my chest tighten again. I straightened, taking a deep breath to steady myself. My face burned with the heat of my embarrassment.

"I just… I need to be alone for a while," I mumbled, my voice barely above a whisper.

Without waiting for a response, I turned toward the door, my footsteps quick and uneven. I didn’t dare look back. I didn’t want to see her pity or her concern—it was too much.

I stepped into the hallway, the silence of the room behind me suddenly deafening. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of her gaze, steady and warm, lingering in my mind. It was only then, as I walked away, that I realized she hadn’t said a word more. But somehow, her silence spoke volumes.

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