Chapter 26 – Remember
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Chapter 26 - Remember

"Open your eyes, little one..."

Soft, familiar words. A gentle hand brushed through my hair. I whimpered and cried out, my eyes aching, burning from the meager light. She touched my face and welcomed me to the world. To this world.

"Momma!"

"What is it, little one?" I was small, so very small and tired. We lived in a mud hovel, but I rested on a cool, comfortable blanket in the ruddy light. Mom, mother, momma. She loomed above me, grooming the flakes of mud from her body before stroking my forehead. I didn't understand.

Her hair fell across her back in a broad, brown drape with quivering bangs at her front. They tickled and caressed me. Despite the humble mud and her meager clothing, she had a bold, confident presence. Looking down, I spied my fresh, tiny fingers enveloped by hers. A rigid, darkened gown contained my body but let my slim limbs kick and fumble for stability.

Beyond our simple home, others hurried past about their evening work. Some wore bright, lovely robes of the softest material, others arrayed themselves in dense, woven fibers of the land, and still others splashed themselves with public water and fanned their tan, simple clothes. Such a sight might've invited fear in another world, but I felt only confusion. I had been here before, in another way and another life.

My pleas were appeased by an innocently-lowered tunic. Mother's shape knew bounty. Her flesh was warm and familiar. My mind flared with hot, unnecessary embarrassment but my lips welcomed a caramelized, milky-peach broth of her presence flowing into me. A spell of sleep whispered away the day.

Mother pressed two of her children on the head. "Flax, Tula, don't tease your brothers!" I recognized the first, even though I'd never glimpsed her face before. Flax's sheath of dark hair was gnarled at the edges like dried-out lettuce. Needle-like spikes swirled over the crest as she folded her somewhat-flabby arms and flicked a contemptible look at me. Beside her, Tula emulated the expression, despite their prompt, stinging punishment.

Tula had scooped, flowing valleys of hair that tried to arch like Flax's while bobbing as a frozen, muddy river. Both appeared at the edge of pubescence. Flax definitely seemed more precocious, like she kept mommy's makeup in her back pocket to appear more glamorous.

Familiar and yet not. How many times did I have to go around and around?

Mom pressed me to her bosom when she noticed I was awake. Still unfamiliar love. I treasured it. But I knew nothing. I barely knew Shashelm bugs and here I was in the second round of Shashelm with far fewer legs. Human Shashelm?

Was I in the restful dusk? Did some greater, unknown creature in the scalding sun smash through the bush and spray me across the ground before I could ever mouth a goodbye to my companions? My unseen siblings shared the same fate, as mom cupped her face and restrained her tears behind a firm jaw. I again missed the cheat-sheet of my body knowing exactly what I needed to do. But I had a heads up from the last time. Still, I felt just as adrift.

I drank from whatever water I could to keep hydrated as mom warned me of the dangers of this world. Be fast, stay in the shadows, away from Pembrick, and all Vesperil. How far away was I from my original mother, Karen Iliana Murphy, and the cruelty of KIM Investments? It didn't matter as much as I wanted to be close to Mirela Mudwell.

Mom had a reserved beauty to her, along with the milky sweetness. Her life was for us, with endless shattered hearts for each of her children she never got to know. It wasn't long before I managed to meet this incarnation of Citrine and Riva properly. My mulling about a domineering playground queen and her shy, hair-shielded cohort felt right. But I knew more dwelt in Riva than first appeared.

Elementary-aged elders to my fresh eyes, Citrine had her own doom-sounding Death to declare as slightly-older Riva quietly acquiesced. I never really smelled Citrine's soul but sugary sand-water with sharp highlights felt best. Her dark hair acted like it wanted to puff up into a bright bramble bush. Despite all the grooming, she seemed a hair scuff away from wildness.

My destined, sisterly splash of cold, stinging water still came as a surprise whether from a muddy groove or a wooden bucket. I still felt just as icky and irritated. Bold, bossy romper-clad Citrine showed me around as Riva fixed her frayed but self-mended simple skirt.

The legends and lore lingered with the same tone. The King was more Biblical, with radiant feathered wings and an unknowable presence. My heart wanted to embrace Riva and break down crying, but my soul knew the path. Her lustrous presence already glimmered like a precious stone with that floral, sweet watermelon medley.

Soon, the whisper of Father's return pushed aside all other thoughts. He was broad, with an arching, prominent nose and rippling, nutmeg-like locks framing his face. Again, it felt Biblical. I would've expected him to emerge with his flock like a rod-bearing patriarch carrying a lineage to the beginning of time. Who begat Dragan Mudwell?

No idea, but he begat me. And his presence was just as intimidating as before, yet as calm as a lamb when he found me. Every ounce of joy was tempered with a pain he didn't want me to see crossing his features. And he gifted me a coat of not many colors but beauty and durable softness enough to invite the jagged jealousy of at least one sister.

Meanwhile, my gaze found Sana. Her clothes were ready for the wilderness and her eyes were ready for me. Where Tula and Flax hinted at growing up, Sana had surpassed them. Her human shape took after mom's. Despite the olive-darkness of her hair, I could sense the strawberry horseradish radiance threatening to execute my every somber feeling.

However, Silt got to me first, with his rolling, rollicking enthusiasm and nuzzles. Despite having my bones on the inside this time, he still nearly threatened to squish me in half. His dark hair rose like a frozen wave battling the shoreline without the need of gel to keep up the assault. Like before, my eldest siblings eagerly tussled for the reward of littlest sister snuggles. Sana easily won while Silt wore a beard of frustration and dirt.

My sister felt huge, as immense as Father. Her crushing my little body against her ample chest saturated me with the knowledge of a genetic future where vast, unknown territories awaited. Sana's fair face wore mottles of splattered freckles across her dimpled cheeks and down the entire length of her neck. Her hair spiked with a pair of perfect bangs above her intricately-braided, organized locks. It wasn't long before she made the baby of the family too excited from her energy and had a little mess to fix.

She took after mom that way too, attending to me quickly. If this had been my first reincarnation then perhaps I would've felt a profound, jutting embarrassment about how mature Sana felt, but she was simply my sister. Her homemade bra beneath her rugged attire would reach deep in the alphabet, however measured, but all that mattered to me was the soft, warm place to rest my head from the struggles of a life deluged with familiar oddities.

Sana barely needed her spiked boots to mount the walls and pirouette around to show off. Silt crept with feisty, fiery cinnamon sugar energy and pushed gradually closer to me with each breath. This was the time of my life, the time without the weight of tears. No matter their forms, I knew my family. Why couldn't I just stay here forever?

Citrine bumped up close to me and fervently begged for one of Sana's stories. She folded her arms confidently around us and began a family-friendly fairy tale.

The broad strokes of the narrative remained the same. Cursed family. Traders, artisans, and colonies of sisterhoods turned their backs on them. And their littlest member ventured forth into the unknown. She still soothed beasts and befriended cultures and people she never expected to meet, all with the hope to reach the Endland where her dark, wild reflection lived. And, of course, everyone in the story had a happily ever after. 

Instead of wild, weird foods and sweet pebble buffets, Sana and Silt brought back meager scraps, which were safely secured under a set of floorboards. My actual belly ached, but I did my best not to let it dim my smile for the sake of others.

Beryl and Ewan had hair long enough that they really should bind it in some measure of the ties Sana used to keep hers at bay. They were less so twins. Beryl got runny noses and seemed irritated when he meant to look tough. Ewan always scratched his arms, while fumbling over his words and gasping at the smallest trick.

He still tasted like gritty coconut creams that fell to pieces too fast. And he had a shadow of my original face. While Ewan was how I knew I was, Beryl was how I thought I had been. The veneer of waffle chocolate crisp pretending to be something special.

Inevitably, I had an encounter with snooty Flax and her echo. I could've told her to go away or punched her in the face or screamed but, like gravity, we fell into the same roles. Little baby barf face. Her word choices hadn't improved, but at least she understood some of my retorts.

The dare and extortion was for a section of rigid, sweet bark that peeled off certain trees. We shook on the deal and Flax had her diva moment in the spotlight as she preened like a child beauty queen in her tiny outfit. Between whispers when Father arrived and what he said to mom while interrogating Flax for any sign of deception, I realized he stole the cloth for me.

Had it been that way in the bug world too? Did stealing matter here or there, so long as you gave tribute to the Lord/King of Shashelm? I couldn't think ill of either Father. So many worlds were as cruel as a crude, angry knife in the dark. Would I steal too, if it meant my children might have a moment of joy? I radiated happiness to outshine Flax's phony face as I sought out my speedster sisters.

It was easy to tell them apart despite their merged sensations of cut grass, burnt rubber, and greasy oil they must've acquired from all the places they dashed through. Lapis found herself constantly out of breath between her frantic hustle of words. This concerned me.

A human couldn't hold their breath for an hour. But a human could run a marathon. With cracked and aching feet, I chased my sisters as Anise shouted rhymes of encouragement. Her hair shared some stylings of Sana's, like laurel-leafed air currents. Anise pumped her legs with machine energy, but not a single lock strayed. Lapis appeared as though she'd been too close to an explosion and all her hair shot back in a single burst, never again to rest on her shoulders. They appeared on the verge of junior high school, although our only real lessons were survival.

Shame I still didn't listen to them. Wandering off in the middle of the night as a human child invited far more twisting shadows than the tired height of day. Pembrick painfully grabbing my shoulder still startled me. His face was scarier this time, broken pottery with a web of lumpy scars. I wanted to cry out and indict that he tried to kill and eat young Sana, like his aunts and uncles who turned on Father. And he had no reason, none at all! He had a bed he could've shared with her, even if she was being an impetuous little kid.

But I had no fury for Pembrick this time either, as he loomed in his darkened robe and hissed insults and warnings at me. The section of sweet bark he taunted me with looked as delectable as that tiny sliver of leaf. All that awaited me was a lesson I hadn't learned the first time and a nervous nuzzling from Riva.

I didn't instar, but growing up felt filled with stretching, shifting pain. My bones and flesh were changing. My teeth screamed through my gums as I begged for mercy. Becoming like Sana was a fascinating and terrifying concept. Being together with my sisters felt like it meant more than before.

As an only child, just having someone around for the second try or this one meant something strange but also deeply meaningful. It was easy to get lost in such a crowd of other voices, but the weight of life itself also felt a little easier. You had nothing but each other.

And I still had Riva. Every moment she looked like she might be in pain, lost, or confused, I spared a whispered word of encouragement for her and she gazed, wide-eyed at me, as though I'd just done something remarkable. The swoop of her hair hid her tears and her silent smiles.

Of course, runaway runt Riva soon again entered Flax's rote recited repertoire. I kicked her as hard as possible. She kneed the air out of me, but I met her fuming irritation with a bitter, choking smile. You'll get yours...sister...

Before the appointed night, we listened to a snippet of the whirlwind, thunderous romance as a broken man met the one always meant for him. I thanked Father with a lingering embrace for all he had shown me of love, when he easily could've been as nasty as my first father. I embraced my mother...my mom, my Mother, all love, all joy, all she truly deserved for her devotion to her loved ones. This was goodbye, one way or another.

And Riva, she desperately puzzled at my gentle words but slept well with a smile. Again, I snuck off when I shouldn't have. Again, I hunted outside in the wilderness for something I barely knew how to find. Bark stripped by other adventurers finally led me to the right place.

But I was not ready for the sickening smell that filled the air. It wasn't the innate, lardy aroma of bug death, which almost gave me relief, until I realized it was worse. Red sprayed through the air and landed at my feet. The storm of feet and swords overwhelmed my senses as much as an assault from the sky.

Nearly retching on the ground, I dragged my feeble prize back with me. Flax and her parrot found me. We screamed and argued till a stealthy soldier in blue-green, shimmering armor slid his steel through her throat.

Sana saved us, same as before. And Silt carried us away to be stuffed underneath the floorboards as the soldiers overwhelmed them. The cracks provided us a chance to see and breathe despite the choking, close mud.

Bellona, the same cruel tyrant, made her appearance with a single strike to cleave her soldier's head off because he tried to feed his bloodlust without her approval. Ominous capes stood in for jagged, glassy wings as she loomed over my bleeding sister and adjusted her gold and black blazer.

Injection by syringe soon brought my loved ones to a delirious, whimpering state. After my frightened brothers ran screaming from their hiding space, something strange happened.

Riva burst through the floor and screamed but the power, which I thought was a strange oddity of the insect realm mixed with the inundation of the dirt, actually appeared as a glowing shock wave all around her. The army was decimated and thrown into disarray by crashing boulders.

In our escape, no matter how much it hurt, no matter what color Riva left behind, I reached for my sister in her last moments as Bellona took her life. I let her see my calm, loving eyes. It's okay, Riva. I pray to the King that I'll see you again, but I wouldn't trade a moment of our time together if this is all we have.

A stretch of bark easily blocked a sword strike, but I looked eye to eye with the monster that had taken away my loved ones twice over. Really, she deserved a field of dark, permed hair. What she had...what she had....

This time, I also paused before shaking off an eerie sense and pushing her to the ground with Citrine's help.

Running led to the bitter fight with Tula and staggering backward. Instead of a sheer cliff, I slid down a field of gravel and plunged into the stream. Part of me just wanted to drown, but the rocks kept throwing me away.

Far from home and broken on a shoal, I wondered if I could do this again. Find Elpis all over and go through the lost hive with the dangers to follow and the dangers ahead. Why struggle? It was the question I asked myself when I was a worthless blob in my bed, broken to my soul by a life that never knew true love. Even with love, even with kindness, I still felt broken. I still ended up in the same place.

What was I living for? Why was I alive? What did it matter? Why am I here?

What can I do?...

But I knew the answer: Whatever I can.

Why am I here? By fate and choice.

What does it matter? Because it's on me, it's all on me.

Why am I alive? Because I choose to be.

I fought cancer before I knew all my letters. I fought my mother without knowing a mother could be any other way. I struggled against the narrow gaze and apathy of others. I fought for the joys I wanted to instill. I lost my way so many times, but the journey is still ahead.

I want to see Elpis again. I want to help her. I want to listen to Legato's melodies. I want to know what's next. And, someday. I want to share the stories I've heard with others, with those closest to me. I want to spread smiles. I want to run without worry. I want others to become stronger, so I can become stronger too!

I want...---

...I want. A segmented limb stretched out towards me in the sheltering darkness. "Still. Quiet. Say nothing yet." The voice was so low that I barely registered in my groggy awareness that anything had been said.

Carefully clearing my vision, I realized I was still under the bush with Legato by the edge and Elbee snoozing nearby. Still on my second try. Just a dream. Although I'd never had a dream like that before. And I'd never had any dream in this place before. If it was a dream.

Creeping around dead, dried leaves so as not to make a sound, I inspected the sliver of light Legato was checking with his lengthy antennas. Beside the nearest tree, in the softening light of the late day, stood a cloaked Shashelm in a silvery, Bombomori outfit. So strange to see, especially in blazing brightness or daytime or whatever made sense. My head wasn't all the way back yet.

Before I could attempt to say something, despite his disclaimer, the figure turned. The shadows spilled heavy across its features, but I could discern an outline like fractured ice in a dark soda. I gasped.

Pembrick...

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