Chapter Sixty-Nine — Not Like the Other Girls (3/3)
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To all those who forget that I publish Flashback chapters every day, this is the THIRD part of this chappy. It won't make sense if you read it after the 1st one ^^.

Yes, Assurbanipal-chan, I am looking at you and how you once read half of a chapter only to realize there was another you missed before it (ꈍ ᴗ ꈍ✿). I am worried this one might be the similar case ^^.

Also, the picture from the end of the 2nd part! I know I lately went off color and into the muted tints instead, but I just discovered that muted tints finally allow me to draw Abihiko's red lips O_O. Before, when I fully colored my fanart of him, I could never really draw his lips red (as the book says it should be) because he looked too intensely girly with those. But in muted colors, I can!

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ YAY!

Spoiler

Oh, and if you think this pic is inappropriate, don't report my story! TT__TT. Just tell me, and I'll fix it. It's not supposed to be sexy or anything like that, just a snapshot of a crucial moment in the narrative.

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Chapter Sixty-Nine

Not Like the Other Girls

Part 3 of 3

 

 

Abihiko blinked, then frowned. And looked away.

But then his eyes still swooped back to Nekohiko and down to--

-- to that.

Flinching, Abihiko moved back one step, covering the upper half of his face with both hands.

"Abihiko, say something?"

Nekohiko had already felt too exposed a minute ago, but now, he started feeling embarrassed. Shame was not a feeling he handled well. First of all, he rarely felt it in regards to intimacy. He usually only felt the sharp rejection of anything remotely intimate or private. Just -- NO, plain and simple, and zero shame involved.

He could feel mortified of things adjacent to personal stuff, of course, like loss of dignity or someone threatening his sense of boundaries and self. But not outright sex-related issues.

These, he had never even considered as shameful or vulnerable. But now, all of a sudden, he realized the new dimensions and the peculiar kind of ache it evoked.

To be rejected in this sense...

To have the sight of one's own body be so repugnant, the other person wished nothing more than to turn away...

It was shameful. And painful like a very slow punch to the gut.

Most of all -- Nekohiko had never wanted to be looked at in such a manner, to begin with! So why... why was he to be humiliated and hurt in this cruel way now?!

His eyes stung. A tremor passed through him as he crouched down on the floor, shakenly gathering his wet clothes to cover himself up with.

The rustles called Abihiko's attention.

"Neko," Abihiko said, hoarse. "You are a girl. Yet..."

Nekohiko dragged his long and wide martial skirt to hide behind it. He held its end tightly to his chest, looking up at Abihiko with eyes huge and afraid to blink because he knew his budding tears would spill if he did.

"Was it me or... Do you have a dick?" Abihiko said in the most obnoxiously-stunned voice.

Who... would ask something like this?!

"Why?" Abihiko kept going.

Why?!?

Why what?!

Nekohiko found himself unable to answer. The question was just so...

"It wasn't a Hisome magic trick, was it? You actually have one." Abihiko swallowed with difficulty. "But... since when?"

Keeping silent any longer was physically painful by now. Nekohiko snapped, even though his voice was so stifled, he felt like he was mumbling apologetically instead, "Since always."

Abihiko's eyes grew even bigger. "But no. No. You are a girl. Unless..." Shock further whitened-out Abihiko's features. "You do know that having a dick usually means you are a boy, right?"

...

"Did your royal retainers tell you that you were a girl instead?"

Just how "innocent" or "dumb" did he think Nekohiko was? Did Abihiko actually believe Nekohiko had been raised without any relations with the outside world at all?

"No. I was always a boy. I was born a boy," Nekohiko answered, getting seriously pissed. "And I was always aware I was one. But... to keep my identity secret, the Head Priest told me I should dress up like a girl until I become an adult. And that I shouldn't tell anyone the truth to keep myself safe."

"So wait..." Abihiko muttered, his gaze flicking about the room, unsettled. "You always knew. And you always were lying. And... that means..."

Nekohiko rose from the floor, yet still clutching his sodden clothes to himself. "Don't overthink this."

"--that you didn't tell me the truth... why?" Uncannily, Abihiko was staring straight before him, as though looking past Nekohiko. As though Nekohiko didn't really exist to him anymore. "You told me your real name. And your real title. And your real plans about ascending your throne and all that about your secret identity, years ago. But you didn't tell me this? Because..." he slowed down, trying to understand, "you were still protecting your secret identity somehow? From me?"

Well.

When he put it this way, it did sound completely illogical.

But Nekohiko had his reasons.

Even though these reasons seemed very, very stupid now.

"..."

Abihiko's eyes flashed to Nekohiko in a sudden hue of anger. Or perhaps not exactly anger. Nekohiko had simply never seen this specific emotion on Abihiko's face before, but he could feel it resonate within him. He knew what the name of this emotion was.

The ache of betrayal.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Abihiko asked again, steadier. "So, Suminoe knew and... obviously Yakabe and Kazuragi knew since they would have known the sex of the Imperial child all Great Lords had seen and sealed his powers away fifteen years ago. And so did Lord Okinaga... And my mom. Everyone knew."

...

"Were you afraid I would tell someone? Even though I've kept your Imperial secret for years even when taken hostage and threatened with my life?"

Nekohiko opened and closed his mouth.

"And how many times had I actually mentioned that you were so... boyish? So un-girl-like compared to others? All those toy soldiers you and I played with, all those Bound vehicle toys, countless fights and brawls we had. Yet you just kept quiet and said nothing?"

The unsaid "why" on Abihiko's lips was so obvious, Nekohiko almost heard him repeat it again. But Abihiko didn't. He had exhausted all his rambling questions and instead went back into the vague shock of before.

He stood, his face twisted with perplexion, and stared at the floor, deep in thought.

When Nekohiko shakenly dragged his clothes back on his shoulders and tried to speak, Abihiko erupted into motion.

He went for the gap in the hut wall and Bound it open.

The thunderclash of the ongoing storm reverberated through the open sliver, filling the small hut with the electric scent of the charged weather and the violent groan of trees and splashing of leaves under the rain. A gust of wind broke inside, slapping Nekohiko's wet clothes against his skin with a whiplash of chill.

But Abihiko didn't even notice. He went through the gap, still looking stunned and numb.

"Abihiko!" Nekohiko cried, grabbing after him. "What the hell are you doing? It's a rainstorm outside!"

Their voices were no match for the rage of the elements, but Nekohiko could guess the other's words just by how Abihiko's lips moved.

"I need to... think. Alone," Abihiko said dazedly and wanted to step out again.

Exasperated, Nekohiko jerked him in. "Are you kidding me?! No! You're sick and... if you want to be alone to think -- stay here, you idiot. I'll go outside and give you room to think all you want!"

He was so angry at Abihiko's lack of priorities that he half-wished to slap Abihiko back into common sense. So yes -- Nekohiko didn't care if he had to go outside to give Abihiko free space to brood or whatever he needed. He just wanted all this awkwardness and frustration to be over. One way or another. And perhaps, getting some distance from each other was not such a bad idea.

Nekohiko could still Bind a small place nearby to curl in and sleep for the night -- just for himself. He was healthy and he had still many of his powers intact. He could make it, alone.

But when he tried to step out, now Abihiko held him back. His fingers curled around Nekohiko's wrists, squeezing hard. Perhaps too hard.

This shackling hold was only growing as Abihiko slowly pulled Nekohiko away from the entrance to their hut.

"No need. No need. We can stay here both of us. And go to sleep instead," Abihiko mused as though mostly to himself. "After all, we're both boys. What's the worst that can happen?"

"You're hurting me," Nekohiko told him when enduring the strain Abihiko put on his wrists became harder.

Abihiko gently lifted his fingers where they had made bruise-like impressions on Nekohiko's sallow, pale flesh. "Sorry," he said, still dumbfounded.

Another violent gust slammed into the two boys, spraying them with chilly raindrops and Abihiko finally remembered that the "door" was still open. He undid his previous spell that had opened the gap to pass through, and the small tree hut returned back to its quiet, homely self.

Only the faintest rumbles and howls of the wind and the cloudbursting rain came through to them now. Only their wet and dripping clothes reminded them what devastating weathers thrashed outside.

"We were changing and drying ourselves, weren't we?" Abihiko said at last, and Nekohiko nodded, rigidly.

Yes.

We were. But now...

I have no idea how we could even try to?

Just as Nekohiko had predicted, this confession had been one of the most agonizing experiences of his life. Which only proved he had been right all along: this stupid truth should have never come out! Life had been so much easier without it!

Damn it.

 

 


***

 

 

This time, Abihiko was the first to remove his robes. He did it with menacing indifference as he stripped naked, half-turned away from Nekohiko, and began wringing his clothes off the water.

Nekohiko had never seen him naked before, by the way, but oh well. Apparently, all pretenses of civility were off now?

Not that Nekohiko looked, even though, deep inside, he was intrigued. He had never seen naked people of his age. Not once.

He half-wondered how he compared to them and if everything that had been happening to his body through the utter agony that was puberty was normal or not.

But Abihiko sat on the floor, turned aside, only his spine and shoulder-blades so prominent on his lean back, open to Nekohiko's sight. Over his sides, Nekohiko saw where the ribs began and wrapped to the front of his chest, now unseen. The skin there was much paler than Abihiko's face and arms -- untanned, which made it look vulnerable. He could even see the line of Abihiko's bicep where his shirt sleeves usually ended, separating the darker hue from his actual color which was nonetheless such a nice complexion.

With a renewed sense of hurt, Nekohiko looked down on his own sallow skin. He looked downright ill compared to Abihiko, and when Abihiko was the one who had a cold out of the two of them!

Busy with straightening his wrung clothes, Abihiko glanced back and couldn't help but notice Nekohiko's attention on his body.

A trace of displeasure clouded Abihiko's face. "We dry our clothes with Binding, then just dress back and go the sleep. Stop dawdling."

"Mn." Nekohiko tore his eyes off Abihiko's collarbones and his well-defined yet slender chest and torso. So far, nothing was really that different between the two of them. Nekohiko no longer felt so self-conscious.

Moreover, now that they had something to focus on, most of the shame and awkwardness went away even though they were both in various states of undress.

This was how it should be, after all. No?

Abihiko Bound moisture out of his inner robes first, spraying the excess water into the small earthen basin he and Nekohiko had made earlier today. Nekohiko chose not to undress completely, Binding water out of his outer robes first. Then he'd change into them and work on his inner robes instead. A great, sensible plan.

So distracted they were that Nekohiko missed the point at which Abihiko had dried all of his clothes and donned them and now sat without anything to do while Nekohiko was finishing. Suddenly, Nekohiko felt a tug on his clumped strands of sodden hair.

"We need to dry our hair too," Abihiko said, sniffing with his nose full. Actually, he looked pretty bad now that Nekohiko noticed. His eyes were reddened and glistened with sickness, his voice became nasal from the congestion, and his body... tremors ran through it from the chills.

"Yes, it will probably get very cold through the night." Nekohiko cast a glance to the "door" and the storm that was gradually getting tamer out there. "We better be prepared."

With a nod, Abihiko went on sorting through Nekohiko's hair strands, pulling them apart and drawing all rainwater out of them as well. And once Nekohiko was done with his clothes, he reached to do the same to Abihiko's hair.

Sitting so close to each other that their noses almost touched, Nekohiko finally could meet Abihiko's gaze and hold it for longer than a heartbeat. The utter seriousness of Abihiko's face, mirroring the somberness Nekohiko felt inside...

Abihiko's fingers, brushing past Nekohiko's jaw to gather his hair, sometimes glanced against Nekohiko's skin. Then, one other time, it lingered.

Was Abihiko checking the fuzz on Nekohiko's jawline? Unlike Nekohiko's slow and subtle hair growth, Abihiko's facial hair was a bit more pronounced, so he had begun shaving almost every morning about half a year ago. To be honest, Nekohiko found the prospect horrifying, but also intriguing.

So now that all their secrets were over and Abihiko felt comfortable enough to touch his face like this...

Curious, Nekohiko rubbed his thumb against Abihiko's chin and came away surprised. What a peculiar surface! Not fuzzy at all. Rather a bit dry and sandpapery...

Abihiko flinched back. "What are you doing?"

"I was only--"

"Whatever. I think we're mostly done anyway." Abihiko scrambled away to prepare the floor bed out of the piles of leaves they had gathered in the morning to Bind blanket covers out of.

Nekohiko was left alone in the back, sitting there with his hands still raised to brush through Abihiko's hair which was obviously no longer there. He chewed on his lip, miserable, and slowly reached for his own leaf blanket. Before extinguishing all the lights in the hut, he lay down next to Abihiko.

But not too close.

Just enough to extend his hand and touch Abihiko's forehead in a passing motion. "Your fever is still high," he said. "You need a good rest, Abihiko."

"I know," Abihiko replied, not turning.

"So if you need anything... anything at all -- tell me. All right?"

In the darkness, the sounds of the clashing outside were almost a lullaby to the two inside the tree. So peaceful, so mesmerizing. Yet Nekohiko could not fall asleep no matter how he tried.

His thoughts kept churning, going back and forth through his conversation with Abihiko.

Guilt and shame roiled within him. And above all -- ache. An ache he had no idea he could feel, and so intensely. It brewed deep in his heart, spreading in a needy wave all through his being.

An ache of losing his best friend to something so... irrelevant.

He shut his eyes, shaken. Then he rolled into Abihiko from the side and wrapped his arms around him just to make sure Abihiko was still here, that he wouldn't go anywhere and that he knew Nekohiko wanted him to stay.

Wanted him to forgive him and get better.

And never leave.

Softly, Nekohiko held him, and because Abihiko never rejected this clumsy embrace, Nekohiko began wondering if this was it and all their issues had been dealt with forever.

This idea kept only growing the next day. The snowfall had claimed the outside and ice and hoar had frozen over the "door" of their hut. Most of the day, Nekohiko spent on getting past this little obstacle. He also had to scavenge for food and come up with some other ways to take care of Abihiko's health which had only worsened through the night.

Thus, the second day went by in Abihiko's fevered, pained acceptance of Nekohiko's care and almost no talking.

But it was only on the third day that Nekohiko realized that no -- the issue wasn't over yet.

And exactly when he had naively stopped worrying about it.

 

 


***

 

Through the morning of the third day, he and Abihiko talked about the Hira threat -- the volcano eruption or the earthquake that was bound to happen today since the rest of the natural disasters had already taken place. And by "talked" Nekohiko meant that he was the one to wonder about it out loud several times while Abihiko gave him a long and probing stare that ended with a quiet "Mn".

Nekohiko felt wronged because of Abihiko's unnatural sullenness. But he also saw that the boy was sick and only recovering from a day-long delirium.

"How are you feeling?"

Most times, Abihiko smiled and nodded. "Good enough to go and defeat some Demonic Spirits, perhaps?"

Ah. Joking already. Cute.

"I'm serious, though," Abihiko said all of a sudden. "Let's go and find some. Before it's too late to venture out. If it's going to be a Hira catastrophe, you know it going to be a volcano, right? The ash and the brimstone cloud is going to make walking through the forest impossible even if we fortify out little patch against lava and fumes. All the previous years only featured earthquakes, so this one is bound to be the volcano. We don't have much time."

Nekohiko was busy brewing herbal tea in the stone cups he was heating with his Bound breath. He nearly spilled the hot water on himself from shock.

"What? Why would it have to be a volcano eruption this year?"

Abihiko sat up with a groan. "Because I, Lord Okinaga's ward, am here this time. Duh."

The audacity of this assumption rattled Nekohiko, but more so that Abihiko wasn't letting it go even after the two of them had crept out of their hut to go hunting for more roots, herbs, nuts they could make into something more or less edible. The foundation of all their meals was still the fish they caught in the Ashi lake1A real lake in Hakone region which originally would be in (Chubu -- here, in Nagare), but was transported here magically ^^. It's just a very pretty real-existing landscape with a volcano, mountains, forest, and the lake, so I wanted to use it here. Neon Genesis Evangelion is based there, by the way ^^, which would mean that the NGE military research facility would be exactly in... Nagare region in my world, as it should be! (^v^) down in the valley.

So down to the lake they went, blearily rubbing themselves awake and huffing air in silvery plumes out of their yawning mouths.

They stumbled through the twisted underbrush, slipping on the melted snow and the thawing river streams that ran down the mountainous slope after the full day of winter that was yesterday. Their long skirts tangling in the long, needled branches, their feet tripping on glistening, slick roots. Both wore their leaf blankets molded into the capes with hoods, and both had staves with them to prod the ground and lean on as they navigated the uneven terrain.

Nekohiko went in the front, taking note of the area and monitoring any Spirit presences in the vicinity. Abihiko followed after, marking the tree trunks they passed with his Binding so that they would not get lost.

Abihiko walked far less joyously than usual. But at least he was walking on his own and even managed to skip every once in a while. His stomping and annoyingly-brash voice with a hint of hoarseness in it soon spooked most of the wild animals and birds away. On any other day, Nekohiko would find this obnoxious.

But after the previous days of strained quiet and fussing over Abihiko's health, he was actually relieved.

"...and anyway," Abihiko meandered on and on about the proof that the volcano eruption was one hundred percent coming, "this year is the tenth anniversary of me being Okinaga's ward. It's a big event for his and my families, you know. I'm like the closest thing to a son Lord Okinaga will ever get, so..."

"--so he's got to throw some lava at you to show his appreciation?" Nekohiko asked, stupefied.

"Kind of, yes." Abihiko shrugged. "You wouldn't get it. You're not Hira. Why do you think he allowed me to choose any of his treasures as a gift? Gifts like that aren't given lightly, Neko. Even though I already received it, I still need to earn it, and I need to suffer for it, too. It's like a code of honor."

"Oh yes, absolutely. A volcano eruption does sound like a good way for you to earn a gift! By the way, when had he given it to you? Before we came back to Izumo?"

"Yes."

Ah. And Nekohiko had missed it, being so numb for the last weeks...

"Oh wow! I wish to see it now! What is it? Can you tell me? Probably that sun-powered chariot you wanted?" Nekohiko could bet that Abihiko had already probably changed his mind ten times since the last time he'd gushed about some other "treasure" of Okinaga's. The sun-drawn chariot had been the most recent one -- about four months ago? It had likely changed since then, although Nekohiko found it weird that he hadn't yet heard everything about Abihiko's newest obsession.

It was weird. Abihiko had never wasted a chance to wax on about Okinaga's gift to him. Yet now, even though Nekohiko prodded him to tell...

The boy fell silent again and Nekohiko glanced back.

"Or is it something new? It's not a secret, is it?" Nekohiko attempted to smile.

Abihiko stopped walking. His face had grown wan and unsettlingly quiet again. His eyes slid up Nekohiko's figure to rest on his face, and such a strange, solemn expression came over him that Nekohiko's fake smile faded from his lips.

"Yeah. It's a secret," Abihiko said, looking up at the blueing sky in the gap between the trees.

"Can't you tell even your best friend?"

Abihiko's lashes lowered.

"You'll see on your own. It's actually a gift to you."

Huh?

"You had your birthday around Yakabe's death and I couldn't give it to you back then. So I waited till later." He lifted his eyes at him, dead serious. "After the exams seemed... perfect."

A gift... For Nekohiko's forgotten birthday. "You would give me Okinaga's 'treasure'? Really?"

Abihiko passed by him, almost brushing his shoulder against Nekohiko's. "Mn," Abihiko said softly and halted.

"...why?"

Nekohiko knew the answer was hard for Abihiko to muster. But he wanted to hear it and he wanted everything to go back to how it had been before his boy confession, or even further than that -- to how it had been before Abihiko had started having his stupid crush on him.

Only warmth. Only endless trust between them.

Flickering, Abihiko's eyes shifted over Nekohiko's face. His red lips opened as though to speak, but then--

Branches snapped from several trails of footsteps rushing down the slope.

"--I bet it's safer near the lake," a familiar voice of a boy rattled from beyond the trees.

"As long as that Hira jerk isn't there, I'm all for it. You know full well that if he's there, there'll be no Spirits to fight left, right?"

With a tired roll of his eyes, Abihiko turned that way.

Koki. Hiroto. Juro.

The usual classmates' group of boys that would stick together. And the one Nekohiko was least in the mood for seeing today.

He and Abihiko had glimpsed the other disciples at times in the first day, but since all the pupils needed to prove their worth in this exam, being next to each other wasn't advisable as it diminished one's chances to ever use their Binding when among many other students. Apart from people in the same team, of course.

So Nekohiko guessed these three were one such team, and that they would very much want to back away the moment they saw the "Hira jerk" right where they were going. Koki had never had a good relationship with Abihiko after someone had spread the rumors about Abihiko's already-quite-ostensible preference for dating boys. The other two boys usually preferred to keep away from Abihiko as well.

Though Nekohiko had never really known why. He just assumed they all disliked Abihiko for his preferences and that this was the main reason Abihiko had chosen not to sleep in the boys' dorm. Their bullying of him and him not wanting to bother with them and tell them to piss off once and for all.

Either way, good riddance.

The three boys sprang out of the thicket, still loudly and gleefully chatting. But then they saw Abihiko, leaning on his staff. And right after that -- they also got a good look of Nekohiko beside him.

And all three shut up immediately.

A moment passed, and Koki nodded to his friends to the side, and the three boys gravitated away, throwing cautious glances over their shoulders. Nekohiko let out a relieved sigh, happy this resolved itself so peacefully.

But not Abihiko.

"Hey, dickheads. A fair warning -- that volcanic mountain is going to erupt very soon, so brace yourselves for some serious fire damage, just in case."

His teeth gritted and eyes blazing, Koki swung around. "Is that a fucking threat?"

"I don't know." Abihiko made big eyes. "Is it?"

The other two boys gripped Koki by the shoulders, pushing him away and whispering at him to not engage, but of course Koki couldn't leave it at that.

"Hey you -- you, I'm talking to you!"

Nekohiko blinked around, just realizing it was him Koki was referring to.

"Yes, you, the most special bed in Izumo," Koki snapped when Nekohiko finally gave him attention. "Keep your asshole boyfriend in check. Can't you see he's bullying people?"

...

Nekohiko frowned, confused.

"Tsk, ah no. How dare I?" Abihiko drawled. "You poor victim you."

"He just warned you about the volcano eruption," Nekohiko said. "I don't see how that equates with him bullying you."

"Yeah, and that 'serious fire damage' he also talked about? That obviously doesn't imply he's going to hunt down other pupils just to prove he can?" Koki mocked Nekohiko's impassive tone right back. "Like he does every fucking day in Izumo? Terrorizing innocent people?"

What? Abihiko didn't hunt or terrorize any pupils in Izumo.

What nonsense was this?

But both Juro and Hiroto, the other two boys, nodded grimly at Koki's words as they sidled even further away from Abihiko.

"Yes." Abihiko grinned very, very widely. "Just because I can."

And before Nekohiko could do or say anything, Abihiko stomped the ground, evoking a roiling earth blast rushing toward the three other boys. Spikes of fiery magma sprayed out of the cracked earth, looking every bit as dangerous as the real volcanic eruption fire would be.

Actually, Nekohiko jolted backward simply because the flare of heat from the cracked ground was searing. The air hazed with its sheer power.

The other three boys spurred to run even before the crack reached them and singed the lowest-hanging tree branches nearby. And as the boys' backs flashed further and further away behind the trees, Nekohiko heard Abihiko crack a laugh at their retreat.

Such a mean, high-spirited laughter, rolling easily off the boy's lips.

Exactly like the most obvious bully would laugh. And after having nearly fried three people with his powers just a moment ago!

Nekohiko stumbled away, unsure of what he was seeing.

"Do you actually threaten people like that? You have almost hurt them--" Nekohiko began.

Abihiko breathed the last of his hearty chortle and spread his arms as though after a good job done. "They're fine. They'd survived worse than this."

He wanted to wave Nekohiko off to go down their previous road, but Nekohiko wouldn't budge. "Did they bully you first? What did they do? Is this why you hate them so much?"

"Hate them? I don't hate them," Abihiko answered, carefree. "And they -- bully me? Naaaah, what are you even talking about? Obviously I terrorize them and many others just because their faces are so punchable I can't help myself."

Huh?

What was going on?

"I have never even seen you try to harm anyone in Izumo, that's why I'm confused," Nekohiko said, following after Abihiko reluctantly. "And I know you well enough. You wouldn't really attack people for no reason whatsoever, so..."

Abihiko shot him a mischievous look that made Nekohiko feel Abihiko was jesting. But then Abihiko smirked and said, "They were talking about Izumo-the-town, not School. And yep, I do occasionally terrorize pupils I meet there because I am just this much of a jerk. Didn't you know?"

Know what?

That couldn't be it.

Abihiko wasn't just some jerk who hit people unprovoked.

Even before, when Nekohiko and Abihiko had still fought each other in their first year -- Nekohiko had always known he'd been the one to start their feud. He had hit Abihiko first, he had called him names first, he had thrown his things at him first. Abihiko had rarely had any desire to engage with others because... they didn't matter. Abihiko didn't waste his time on people who meant nothing to him.

There always had to be a reason. Perhaps one Nekohiko had no idea about? After all, Abihiko was out, mingling with others much more often than Nekohiko. And apparently, he had frequently met occasional other pupils when he had spent his days gambling in the town with his previous rich suitors.

"You are not like that," Nekohiko tried.

"Noooo," Abihiko said. "Trust me, Neko. I attack these people just because. They're all innocent victims. If they're lying about me, that's my fault. If they're attacking me, that's my fault, too. If they call me names or insult me -- obviously all on me. I'm an all-around bad guy." He winked at Nekohiko, then went on through the brushwood, swinging his staff. "Why bother to ask me anything? Just assume shit about me. I don't mind. I'm used to being viewed as some sort of a villain, so no biggie."

...

What the hell?

Nekohiko ran forward to intercept him.

"I don't think you're the bad guy. When have I ever said that?" he cried, blocking Abihiko's way.

Abihiko's eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you tell me, and only me, that you're a boy? For years. Why?"

Nekohiko shook his head in disbelief. They were still on this issue?

How come? This was so irrelevant and meaningless!

"What were you afraid I'd do to you if you told me?" Abihiko winced. "Tell you to stop being my friend? Or sexually-assault you?"

...

"I just didn't know how to tell it right because... I'm so bad at talking about these types of things," Nekohiko said helplessly. "Even right now. You are mad at me, and... I don't know what I can do to stop that."

"You can't do anything to stop that," Abihiko replied, gentle. "I am mad at you. I have to take my time getting used to this feeling."

"What feeling?" Nekohiko sidestepped to be in Abihiko's way because Abihiko kept trying to walk on.

"Your lack of trust in me," Abihiko murmured. "I have to accept it and move past it. I can't do it at once, sorry. You trusted me so little all this time, and I thought we were best friends. I actually believed you were... even closer than that."

We were?

Yes, Nekohiko thought instantly. Yes, we were. We are.

We will always be.

"I am your best friend!" Nekohiko cried, desperate. "That's the sole reason I didn't tell you. Because I wanted it to go back to how you and I were before you started... feeling different things for me. I don't like it. I want to go back to the time when you and I were just friends, you know?"

"Why would you think I'd stop being your friend just because I'm attracted to you?"

"Because you keep falling in love with every boy you meet and then... when you're done with them, you just... forget they exist! And I wasn't going to be that, so I got scared..."

Abihiko held his silence, his expression even darker than before.

"Have you ever been... loyal to something in your life?" Nekohiko asked him, his voice lowering into a whisper. "Have you stood by a choice, or managed to not lose interest in something or someone? Your interests and attentions change weekly... I have never seen you choose something and stick with it even if something better comes along. And I didn't want to be one of those... disposable trinkets you get enamored with for a little while then leave them behind. Do you underst--"

"Got it."

All of a sudden, Abihiko turned and left.

At first, Nekohiko could only stare after him, unsure of what he had done wrong this time.

He was only telling the deepest truths he held in his heart. His fear of being abandoned behind. His knowledge that Abihiko would leave him one day and not turn back.

Which he did now exactly.

"Abihiko, wait!" Nekohiko rushed through the tangles and branches, trying to catch up to him. "I was only telling you the truth so that there are no more secrets between us. Please stay! Where are you even going? The lake is the other way."

"I'm not in the mood right now. Don't... follow me."

"No! Because you're my friend and you're sick and I won't let you go anywhere alone!"

"Nekohiko."

Abihiko's eyes all but burned into Nekohiko's soul when he turned. A vivid glint of tears flashed there. "Leave me alone."

"No."

If he left him alone, then what?

Was this the end? Nekohiko couldn't allow that. Not like this.

Not stupidly like this!

"No, as your best friend, I can't let you go," he rasped, himself feeling tears making their imminent way to his eyes. He tried to grab Abihiko again.

But this time, Abihiko shoved him back.

An easy, obvious shove. Nekohiko could parry it without even thinking. So he did and wanted to get hold of Abihiko again.

And somehow... this simple maneuver made Abihiko so mad, Nekohiko didn't even notice how their shoving and grabbing turned into a...

Fight.

Abihiko pushed him away once again. "Leave me alone!"

"But--"

"Leave me ALONE! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to see you ever again, can't you understand it?!"

...

Tears cut down Nekohiko's face, but Abihiko didn't bother to see them. He stormed away, flinging his staff aside and slamming his fist in a tree trunk he passed. All to hide the fact that he was rubbing his eyes with his knuckle, too, and had trouble walking in a straight line.

...

What? Why?

How did this... even happen?

No.

Nekohiko slowly sank to the ground, disbelieving.

He couldn't even explain what happened, but he knew he was so cold. So empty. So... lost.

He slowly drew his knees to his chest and hugged them, burying his face in them. Far off in the darkening skies, a fetid cloud of sulfur was rising, highlighted from below by the erupting volcanic fire in the distance.

Nekohiko registered the fact that the volcano had, indeed, erupted. And that it had done that some minutes ago. Yet neither he nor Abihiko had noticed.

Even now, sitting here and watching the slow rage of the searing-hot lava far away, Nekohiko felt almost no desire to rise up and do something about it.

Somehow, he found himself thinking that the volcano eruption could maybe fucking wait. He had no real time nor care for it whatsoever.

After all, what was it compared to the disaster he felt inside?

 

 


***

 

The exam was over late at night on the third day. Nekohiko had almost no recollection of how he had emerged out of the trial grounds, covered with soot and the greasy volcanic ash, scratched on his arms and legs from the time he had battled some... fire Demon bears or... something of the sort.

He was spent and he barely lifted his eyes off the ground as he limped his way back from the trial and to Izumo Shrine. He guessed he had passed the exam. He had done everything he should, done everything right...

Except, not everything.

Ha-ha... not what that mattered, at least.

Had there even been other pupils walking the same general route to the Shrine as he was? He didn't care to check. There were no Abihiko's bright-orange robes anywhere and no hint of his noisy laughter. So why would Nekohiko look around at all?

The steps of the Izumo Shrine stairs.

The cracked and weed-overgrown tiles of the front courtyard.

And, at last, the familiar white-and-black hem of the Head Priest of Izumo's robes.

Numbly, Nekohiko lifted his eyes.

Suminoe stood before him in the middle of the almost empty yard where the teachers greeted those who came back from the exam. Some other pupils shifted in the background, hugged and welcomed back by their teachers and senior students, praise and congratulations filling the air with annoying noise.

Nekohiko's tired gaze clung to Suminoe's dear features, seeking out in them something he yearned for.

But he couldn't find it.

This wasn't the face he most wanted to see.

"You passed the test," Suminoe told him simply. "I'm so proud of you, Nekohiko."

"Is... Abihiko here? Did he return, too--" Nekohiko started, only to be calmed down by Suminoe.

"He had come back hours ago. He chose to fail the exam and return early. Due to his illness, you understand."

Oh.

Due to his illness.

Would that mean Abihiko would have to retake the exam? Why... hadn't he told Nekohiko that? Nekohiko had been so worried about him in there... And Nekohiko wouldn't mind failing the exam either if they could retake it together later...

Why hadn't he told him?

"Nekohiko," Suminoe said, lower. "Did you speak to him?"

...

Nekohiko couldn't find the strength to answer. Even his legs were too weak to hold him. He stumbled forward without realizing that he wasn't falling. He was only reaching out for Suminoe. To clutch onto him and to draw himself into a hug.

By anyone. As long as it was someone near him. Someone who could hug him back.

Tears came down all at once and without restraint. Suminoe's white-robed shoulder was such a good surface to hide his face in and cry there, silently and desperately, no longer caring what anyone thought about it.

Including Suminoe.

But Suminoe must have thought something about it. Because though Nekohiko had never expected him to, Suminoe big, steady arms did wrap around Nekohiko's back, gently pulling him closer and allowing him to sob and cry there -- for as long as Nekohiko wanted.

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