Reasons to Kiss You

Part 2 of 3

 

 

Nekohiko scribbled the message to Suminoe on the small wooden tablet he'd had to Bind from scratch. The inn he was at was tiny -- just a resting spot between the mountains and the towns in the valley, and of course they didn't have paper, silk, or bamboo to write on.

No matter. He was a Binder, and the best thing Binders were known for was creating things from, essentially, nothing.

"How is Lord Kazuragi? What does it mean that I have an army now? Will there be a civil war? What prompted this?"

Nekohiko wasn't even sure what he wanted to ask, so he forewent all the rules of appropriate letter-making and just piled on all the questions that came into his mind, one after the other.

Suminoe would understand. What Nekohiko doubted was that Suminoe could explain all this in another letter, so he already was thinking of leaving this small inn and embarking on a journey back to Izumo in haste -- just to speak to Suminoe sooner.

Aaaaaaah, so scary! But so exciting!

He had an army. An army! He was no longer a prince in hiding but a figure to respect and potentially fear. And after years of humiliating disguises and pretending he did not exist, ahhh!

He slammed the finished writing tablet into the inn's lobby desk and gave the innkeeper an exhilarated look.

"Send a messenger," he said.

"Young lady, it's almost midnight and the weather is real bad," the innkeeper sighed, not even bothering to mirror Nekohiko's excitement. "I'll send a boy out into the village tomorrow, and they'll find a letter carrier there."

"But! I need to hurry this up!" Nekohiko took one glance at the inn's windows, though, as though disbelieving the weather comment.

Of course the innkeeper was right.

The weather wasn't the nicest out there right now. And part of it had been his and Abihiko's fault. They had gotten a little bit too carried away with fighting those tree Demons in the mountain forest above. The panic and aggravation Nekohiko had felt out there, especially after being rejected by Abihiko -- AGAIN -- had cut his temper a bit short. And, having been beaten by some thorny bush for no real reason had pushed him into full-on frenzy.

He'd cast the Nagare storm blast, but hadn't accounted for the fact that a real storm would be... well, actually attracted to that area after the spell.

So now there was a blizzard outside, and Nekohiko and Abihiko had barely managed to finish their huffy fight with the trees and descend down the mountain before the bulk of the snowstorm winds crashed down on the region.

But it had been a small victory, too. Those trees -- they were messed up nicely.

In his frustration, Nekohiko had given them quite a spanking. He bet they wouldn't try to do anything funny in this area for a while after, so harsh his Emperor's wrath on them had been.

Now, though, he regretted this.

"If we need to wait for tomorrow to send it, then I can do it myself and ride out to the next village without any boys you can send," he said, barely containing his formidable wrath now.

This innkeeper, he better not test Nekohiko's patience.

Did he want a spanking, too?

Tired, Nekohiko went back to his and Abihiko's room and only when he was rising the stairs, did he stop thinking about the nasty innkeeper and began recalling...

Abihiko's behavior inside the tree when Nekohiko had tried to trick him into kissing.

Because Abihiko had actually... rejected him!

Nekohiko had never been so annoyed before. Last night, Abihiko had rejected his advances, now tonight as well? What the hell was with him?

Had people lied and Abihiko wasn't actually into men at all?

Maybe he wasn't even that much into sex in the first place?

Or...

Aaaagh! What was the deal?

By now, Nekohiko was quite frustrated with his pent-up emotions toward the other youth and had begun to... yearn for closeness with him.

Perhaps it wasn't a physical want. But something... so much more. Neither obsession, albeit similar, nor infatuation.

It was...

Nekohiko stopped before the room's door, suddenly chilly with a goosefleshed shiver over his skin. His mouth going dry. His thoughts in disarray.

What was this feeling he felt for Abihiko?

Like?

Want?

Need?

He did not know. But he knew he had to act on it because, never before in his life, had he been rejected so often and by the only person who had stated several times he would never reject him in this!

Simply mind-boggling.

Abihiko had of course passed the breathable air through his mouth into Nekohiko's inside the tree, so Nekohiko hadn't blacked out completely, but other than that -- nothing had occurred between them. And by now, Nekohiko wanted to do... things.

Right now.

He would confront Abihiko and the two of them would finally do it!

Whatever it cost.

...

The door slid open.

And Nekohiko walked into a dark room with all its lanterns extinguished.

Startled, he blinked into the darkness, getting used to the quiet somberness of the room. The inn was tiny and only two of three other travelers rested here on their routes elsewhere. So the inn was eerily hushed, and the weather outside made a bizarre contrast.

The snow storm threw snow and ice pellets at the inn's walls, and even the Bound warmth within the room couldn't hide the chilliness seeping in through the window shutters.

Once Nekohiko's eyes grew used to the lack of light, he saw that Abihiko had rolled out their mattresses and beds a few inches apart from one another. And had gone to sleep already, curled up under the heavy blankets with the sleepy serenity of a newborn.

...

...

Abihiko.

A raging night monster that was him -- partying, whoring, drinking, gambling all the nights through -- or else, rambling in his sleep like a madman and kicking Nekohiko under the blankets till Nekohiko's legs got all bruised up.

Now soundly asleep like no big deal.

Seriously?!?

Nekohiko wanted to slam the door closed and wake Abihiko up by the noise. He was too pissed and confused to let Abihiko just stand him up like that.

And yet... Careful, he stepped in and closed the door as gently as he could. His heart throbbed with strange mirth and he could not force himself to be mean to Abihiko.

So what? What if Abihiko did not want to talk to him about their issues and wanted to reject him and deny their feelings for each other? That was also fine. As long as the two of them remained together. Tender. And close.

In the dim visibility, Abihiko's face next to Nekohiko on the pillow looked so fresh and soft. Nekohiko almost wanted to touch his cheek and hug him from the side to make him feel he was near even if Abihiko wasn't aware of it. He shifted his pillow and mattress closer and lay down, assuming a position that would allow him to watch Abihiko as he slept.

He didn't know why, but this was what he wanted to do. He would fall asleep soon anyway, but before that, he would still take in as much of Abihiko's image as he could.

Maybe he'd dream of him.

...

...

...

Yet the sleep wasn't coming.

Actually, the sleep felt very much away from him now, and Nekohiko fidgeted in his bed, trying to understand what was so wrong with him tonight.

He was buzzing with the pent-up emotions and the excitement and frustration that had come today. Kazuragi's allegiance, Suminoe's letter, Abihiko's rejection, now Abihiko's refusal to speak about it and instead going to sleep as if nothing had happened.

A heady mixture of positive and negative feelings, all wrapped into one ball of tension that Nekohiko did not know how to release.

And most of these were Abihiko's fault, really.

No?

Nekohiko turned to his side again, now glaring at Abihiko's peaceful sleeping face.

And the longer he looked, the more fidgety he became.

How dare he? How dare he deny that the two of them could be together -- kissing, touching, maybe even doing the more exciting things to each other?

How dare he pretend like he wasn't into Nekohiko or didn't want anything to do with him?

How... dare he?!

"Abihiko," Nekohiko whispered, hoping he would wake up from such a soft sound. "Abihiko."

...

However, Abihiko went on breathing calmly as though deep asleep.

Suuuure.

Nekohiko did not believe him for a second. Abihiko never breathed as quietly or slept as sweetly as he did now.

At the same time, what could he do? If Abihiko wanted to ignore him, so be it. Perhaps Abihiko still wouldn't believe that Nekohiko could want him back -- not for the physical intimacy, but for something far deeper.

But Nekohiko did.

Desperately, he realized he wanted this person. In more ways than one.

His heart hastened as he fumbled in his blankets, sliding his hand down to his own chest, then stomach... He wondered if...

Perhaps, he could try and see?

...

Yet it still didn't feel right to him. Clothes and blankets rustled and the snow beat the windows from the outside among the howling of the stormy winds.

A subtle breath escaped him as he touched himself.

His hands heated up, sweaty, and his throat dried up as though in terrible nervousness. He didn't know what to do, really. Just that this was what most young men his age did. Releasing all their tensions this way.

Likely, he wasn't even doing it correctly, he thought.

But as long as he discovered what he liked about it or not and whether he could even enjoy something so close next to Abihiko...?

...

With a sudden jolt, he realized that Abihiko's breathing had changed.

It stopped altogether.

As though held up, scared to make any sound at all.

Ah, Nekohiko lit up in quick shame. He snapped his blanket up to his nose like a shield between him and Abihiko and slowly raised his eyes to peer at the other, side by side.

Abihiko's eyes were open. Dark and unreadable, they pinned into Nekohiko's with harsh intensity.

Nekohiko swallowed.

"You... asleep?" Nekohiko whispered.

...

Abihiko only watched him. In the darkness, Nekohiko could not tell how flushed Abihiko's face must be, but he knew it had to redden so hard now.

It always did, regardless of how experienced or laidback Abihiko was about this.

"What are you doing," Abihiko mouthed, still not having blinked once.

Nekohiko scoffed.

"Um. Things."

"..."

Ah, this felt so embarrassing!

"I know you do it too, only you leave me to deal with it usually. You go away and do it to yourself alone, so as not to bother me. Like yesterday."

Abihiko's eye twitched. "I wasn't doing anything like that yesterday. I was... reading."

Now it was Nekohiko's turn to stare at him blankly.

"Of course."

So this was what Abihiko called it?

Reading, uh-huh. Very inconspicuous.

"Anyway, I just didn't want to leave because it's cold outside and... I thought you were asleep, so... I began. I'll stop if it bothers you."

Abihiko's eyebrow arched, yet he still looked rather impenetrable.

"Yeah right, like I'd believe that. We both know you're not into anything that refers to romance and stuff. You can go months without wanting to hold my hand or wanting to kiss. Do not try to convince you this suddenly changed."

...

Nekohiko rustled blankets to reach out into Abihiko's cocoon of a blanket and find his hand.

Slow, he twined his fingers with Abihiko's, almost able to hear how hard and fast Abihiko's heartbeat was under his skin. How subtle the shiver that ran through him.

"That I do not think about it doesn't mean I do not want it or need it," he murmured in return. "How often do you think about breathing? Yet you breathe, even without being aware of it."

"That is a totally different thing!" Abihiko shook his head, wanting to turn on his back and away from facing Nekohiko. Nekohiko's hand held his firmly enough that he could not. "One cannot live without breathing but -- what you're doing, you... naughty... anyway, that, most people can live without just fine!"

...

Nekohiko had never felt so dejected and humiliated. Yet he persevered and pushed through this feeling.

Because he knew Abihiko was also quite embarrassed.

It felt unifying and sweet, to share embarrassment about something and still not cower from one another.

"Abihiko?" Nekohiko asked, gently pulling Abihiko toward himself by their clasped hands. Everything in him tingled with suppressed shyness. "Do you want to..."

The two of them were lying really too close to each other. And the nervousness of one perfectly transferred to the other, yet rather than feel inconvenient, it felt...

Nice.

When Abihiko spoke at last, with a slight rasp, he didn't mind it at all that Nekohiko slipped in his blanket even closer and enfolded Abihiko with it over the shoulders. Now they had two blankets around them.

Now they would never be cold again.

Nekohiko lay his head onto the same pillow as Abihiko, chilly nose to chilly nose.

Their warm breaths caressed each other's lips, tickling.

Nekohiko smiled.

"Do I want to -- what?" Abihiko said, hushed, as though afraid to spook him.

"Do you want to... do some Reading with me?" Ugh, no, this metaphor still sounded wrong, somehow. There were many creative ways to call what Nekohiko had been doing to himself just now, and he had diligently learned most of them from books.

Many of them favored alliteration. Beat the Blasphemer. Stroke the Sinner. Abuse the Acolyte. Whip the Wayfarer.

But Nekohiko felt none of them applied to himself, so, weird as it sounded, he'd decided that, poetically-speaking, he would call his actions -- Encourage the Emperor.

Because, well...

Poetic.

"Do you want to... Encourage the Emperor?" he asked, shy. "Or... we could do something together? You could Gather Flowers with me?"

Abihiko stared, silent, for a while.

"What. What Emperor... What flowers? Huh?"

"F-flowers." Nekohiko was pretty sure that was how courting worked in all the legendary romances and love poems. "I mean, it is like a euphemism for other things. But, in  polite society, it is vulgar to state things as they are. Love has to be pretty, and many... actions aren't."

...

"All right...?" Abihiko said but still seemed wary of whatever degeneracy Nekohiko was proposing.

Nekohiko leaned forward to breathe the softest, nearly ethereal kiss on Abihiko's lips. "Your face is beautiful like onion flowers."

Abihiko accepted the kiss, but perhaps not very enticedly. "Thanks. So I'm onions to you?"

Yes.

Onions were the first plant Nekohiko had cared for and cultivated to the point of maturity. Juicy, fragrant stalks, and springy, crisp flesh.

So alluring.

"Not onions -- onion flowers," Nekohiko corrected him in his husky undertone. His heart almost drowned out the sound of his own voice. "Poetry and love legends specify that you need to talk about flowers, so--"

"Apple blossoms! At the least!" Abihiko hissed, squirming under Nekohiko's kisses as if wanting to seem like he was reluctant.

Even though Nekohiko could tell he was very eager, too.

And very happy. When he kissed him, he brushed his lips against Abihiko's mouth, the corners of which were quirked up in a fond smile.

"Do you not know me at all? I like apples! Not onions -- I am not a freak like you!"

...!

Nekohiko paused, almost entirely having rolled onto him.

He ached, tense with his entire body. But in a pleasant, gentle way... They were both in their inner robes, so nothing set up Nekohiko's disliking of touches and proximity.

He was only learning to appreciate these kinds of interactions. He felt that it was nice that he could do it so simply and just barely... little by little.

"Onion flowers are meaningful, to me," he told Abihiko. "But if you want to know what plant I really like and feel a deep connection to, how dare you say it would be onions? It's--"

Nekohiko slid his hand below, to where he could touch Abihiko freely.

And once he did...

"Fir trees, I know!" Abihiko gasped, clutching onto Nekohiko's shoulders with both his arms.

...

"Yes, you do. And if we are not talking about flowers anymore but any plants we like, yours would be--" Nekohiko drawled out, coy. "Maple."

"Why are we talking about trees, when-- aaahhhmm."

Nekohiko's scalp tingled from the noises Abihiko made under his touches, and his skin went itchy with tension.

Abihiko stilled under him, his teeth biting into his lips. "Trees... aren't very exciting to talk about. Unless you... find them exciting?"

"I do find trees exciting. They are very pretty. Like you are," Nekohiko kept speaking, steady as a Bound vehicle rolling down the mountain slope.

All at once, he decided to quote one poem he had learned specifically for such an occasion.

He was very proud of having studied it to prepare.

"Maples are not sturdy, neither raging.

"Rather supple and bendy, they are,

"And easily submitting in their fragile sway."

"Excuse ME?" Abihiko breathed, his brows knitting.

"I am not finished," Nekohiko blurted. "Yet their fire and rage are only that

"Much more apparent, as they are everlasting."

But Abihiko was not letting it go. He writhed, only getting more frustrated with Nekohiko's taunting of him with his caresses, yet could not -- or didn't want to stop it either.

"Are you kidding me? What kind of a love poem is... that?" he breathed, low. "It makes no sense and doesn't even apply!"

"The maple's twirlybirds are frail and small, yet their dance on the wind--" Nekohiko kept on going stubbornly just because he felt it extremely inappropriate to leave a poem unfinished.

"Twirly-what...?"

Nekohiko made a brief pause to let Abihiko finally reciprocate the previously one-sided conversation.

"Twirlybirds¹Small thingies that grow on maples ^^. They twirl in the air very prettily when they fall! are maple's flowers," Nekohiko said, happy. Because he was not the only one trying to engage with Abihiko now.

Abihiko was... responding.

Not just with his words, but somewhere else.

With his hands and... other body parts.

"Love poems talk about flowers so much because flowers are like the plant body parts that refer to... stuffs. The intimate stuffs."

"Ahh, yes. Mmm, they certainly do." Abihiko gulped loudly, his throat bone bobbing against Nekohiko's cheek. His breath was disrupted, making him sound so quietly, Nekohiko had to still to hear him. "So flowers are plant cocks, you mean?"

...

How uncouth, Abihiko.

"This is my first time, please refrain from using such foul language," Nekohiko said, feeling nervous.

"Fine. Not cocks. Flowers," Abihiko said, eyes rolling. "Only... if we're talking about maples -- I think they do not have flowers. And neither do firs."

"Of course they do. Twirlybirds are maple flower fruits, and pinecones are... fir flowers," Nekohiko replied just as tensely. This was so strange, so breathless.

His whole body rang with the sweetness of being close to Abihiko.

Of being... together, at last.

It wasn't so difficult or even unpleasant, after all, was it?

Except that Abihiko's eyes widened at him as if in shock. "But twirlybirds are tiny! Pinecones are... ah, so much bigger than them..."

"Y-yes, so?"

Abihiko reached out to Nekohiko's ear with his lips. Scalding hot breath caressed Nekohiko's skin as though Abihiko wanted to nibble on the earlobe. But never allowed himself to. 

"Don't you think it's a bit of a wishful thinking on your part?" he said into Nekohiko's ear instead.

...

Nekohiko spent a moment, wary.

Wishful thinking? About what?

Confused, he leaned away long enough to take a good look at Abihiko's face and found him smirking. "Why would the fact that twirlybirds are smaller than pinecones seem unfair to you?"

"Nono. Not unfair. Just divorced from reality," Abihiko told him, beaming. "I mean, come on. We both know whose is bigger than the other's--"

"I have no idea what you even mean by now," Nekohiko said, slightly wounded. "I thought you said you were a maple, and I am a fir, so it only makes sense if we compare the fruit and flower sizes that way--"

"Apples! I decided that, if you want to be all poetic and talk about fruit and plants and whatever else, then I am apples now," Abihiko spat. "All right? Now please stop talking and actually do... what you were doing before. Because... I mean, seriously. You might find plants exciting, but I do not."

"But you love apples. I like them too. They are delicious. So sweet."

Nekohiko replied to Abihiko's smile with his own, even though it was bound to be creepy. Too wide, too toothy, too grimace-like.

But as always, Abihiko only found it adorable.

His fingers lifted to Nekohiko's face to brush away the strands of his bangs out of his eyes and cup his cheek, softly like a kiss. Nekohiko's skin didn't even register it, so light and careful it was.

"Please do not shame me for saying this, but..." Abihiko began, struggling not to wince at his own words. "But if you think apples are sweet, wait till you try maple syrup."

...

Nekohiko froze, perplexed.

Huh? He had tried maple syrup in his life, several times. It was indeed, very sweet.

...

What was this conversation even about?

Already, Abihiko sucked in air through his teeth and covered his face with his hands, in horror-struck shame.

"Please never remind me I said this! I can't believe I said something so... argh! Please please please forget this!!"

"..." Nekohiko had no idea what was that referring to, so he didn't care.

But it was hard to deny: he did find embarrassed Abihiko very cute to be around.

The more embarrassed, the better, actually.

"Imagine apples with maple syrup all over them," Nekohiko mused, eyes narrowed in deep concentration. "Wouldn't that be nice? Very sweet, albeit a bit sticky."

Abihiko's eyes shot wide, stricken.

"N-neko! S-stop saying s-such seductive filthy things to me, how dare you--"

...

And, just a minute ago, Abihiko had claimed that talking about plants didn't excite him.

Liar, ah.

Nekohiko might really enjoy these interactions, after all.

 

 

---

***

 

Snow sprayed on his face when he pushed a branch aside on his way back to the inn. Nekohiko shivered and wiped the melting snowflakes off his face and wet eyelashes and wrapped himself tighter into his cloak.

So much snow had fallen through the night. Each of his footsteps crunched with it under his boot, and his breath came out curly and silvery out of his mouth.

He couldn't stop smiling.

After last night, there was just something in his heart that made him feel very...

Happy, perhaps.

Not because he had done that, the thing that somehow defined what most people did and found enjoyable -- but because he had been so close to Abihiko in a way...

...that he had never before known.

As if all the walls and barriers had come down crashing and only the trust remained.

Besides, he now knew he could do it easily even if he might not want it as an urge.

Because he wanted this -- the proximity. The unbelievable trust found in mutual vulnerability. The safety and tenderness.

It was late morning now, and the sky was still violet but slowly dyeing golden as the sun rolled up. Nekohiko had been up for a while but Abihiko, of course, enjoyed sleeping longer.

And today, however much Nekohiko wanted to rush to the nearest village and get his letter to Suminoe out -- he chose not to bother with that. It was fine. The innkeeper could send a messenger to the village, then the mail dummy to the bigger city, then to Suminoe himself, bla bla bla...

Today, Nekohiko wanted none of that. He even wondered if he and Abihiko could spend their entire day here, in this nowhere place... just watching the snow drift outside gently. Just listening to the subtle sway of pine branches in the woods nearby. Drinking hot teas the servers could bring, and eat...

Apples. With maple syrup. Provided that these delicacies could be found in such a backwater as here, of course.

But ever since yesterday, Nekohiko just couldn't help his mind drifting on to the taste of something so sweet that he now really wanted to indulge himself in it.

He thudded his boots against the steps of the porch and went inside, suppressing a shiver of pleasure when the cold of the wintery morning shifted to the firewood warmth of the inn's lobby.

He nodded at the other few patrons and the server girl, then took off his boots at the entrance and threw his cloak in the outer clothes basket nearby. Then he rushed up the stairs to his and Abihiko's room, wanting to get there in time.

In time before Abihiko awoke.

But lo and behold, of course the bastard wasn't sleeping. But neither was he up.

He was still in bed, rolling across it, pressing a pillow to his chest as though giddy about something.

Nekohiko's shoulders slumped.

"You're awake?"

Abihiko sat up, bright-eyed.

"Hey," he said.

Hey? What do you mean, hey?

Yet Nekohiko was in such a carefree mood, he replied with his own "mmm?" by reflex as he slid the door closed.

"What is that?" Abihiko nodded at the branches of pine that Nekohiko carried in his arms, chilly with the remnants of the outside air and wet with melting snow.

And instead of an answer, Nekohiko simply came over and sank in the bed next to him. It felt so nice to crash into Abihiko's body, like coming back home. Nekohiko's forehead fell onto Abihiko's shoulder while his hands lifted the pine branches like a gift.

"For you, pine flowers."

They were. Nekohiko had taken care to find all the branches that had pinecones on them. Like blossoms, only hard and brown and unappealing. But blossoms nonetheless.

"You do not expect me to actually take them, do you? They are so stingy," Abihiko said.

Nekohiko looked up, hurt. "I spent an hour, gathering flowers for you. If you don't like them--"

"For me?" Abihiko blinked, his lips twitching into a smile, but one so timid, it never quite came out. "Why? Wait, flowers? These are pinecones--"

...

Were you not listening to me at all last night? Were your thoughts so far away, really?

"Pinecones are fir and pine flowers, and one has to give flowers to their lover after they... take their virginity, I guess," Nekohiko said solemnly, then shoved pine branches into Abihiko's face. "All legends and poems say this, so I'm pretty sure I am doing it right."

Abihiko shuddered from the cold droplets spraying him in the face and bit down a gasp of pain when the needles stung him. But he took care to not break any of the needles as he took the scraggly branches into his arms.

"Thank you, Neko. But--"

"There aren't any real flowers outside, I'm sorry," Nekohiko grumbled, a bit wounded with Abihiko's lack of appreciation of the flowers he got him. "It is winter, after all."

"No, not that. I love these," Abihiko murmured, taking a whiff of the fragrant, beautiful needles. "But with that whole virginity thing... I'm not sure you know what it is..."

Panic shot through Nekohiko. He turned.

"It means sex with another person for the first time, yes?"

"Mn. But also, you know, probably most people would not consider what we did yesterday as... real sex--"

...

What???

Nekohiko had really liked what they did since it didn't involve taking any clothes off and he found it very pleasurable, too. Touching each other in that one place and forcing it till finishing wasn't sex?

It didn't count??? How come?

"I still think it is, but most people really only consider something more invasive as real sex," Abihiko said, quiet. "But don't worry -- I would never do it to you. What we have and can do is more than enough. I had never imagined we could even go this far, to be honest."

Nekohiko felt his hair shifting from a touch and Abihiko's nose gently poking him in the ear. Goosebumps and tingles erupted across his skin, and he squinted at the intense sensations when Abihiko pecked him in the earlobe, then down the jawline.

"I love you," he suddenly said, but so low, Nekohiko had a hard time discerning the words.

Nonetheless, he heard.

It was the second time Abihiko had said it, and the first time had been yesterday night... when they were together, sometime before they were finished with their cuddling and other... things.

And like right now, Abihiko was whispering it rather than say it out loud in the open. As though shy. So shy he was afraid of Nekohiko hearing it.

Truth be told, Abihiko was right.

Nekohiko stiffened from these words and bit his lip. His heart twitched with a painful squeeze. He frowned.

He did not like hearing something like this. Which was the sole reason why when Abihiko had said this yesterday, Nekohiko had pretended that he didn't hear it.

And today...

"Khm-khm," Nekohiko choked, desperately trying to distract Abihiko from his words that hung between them like a broken promise.

Would Abihiko want reciprocation?

These words?

...

Ah, Nekohiko had never been more terrified. He didn't like these words even when he read about them in the legends and poems. He wasn't sure he could even feel love. Like he couldn't feel the need for romance or sexual drives...

And now, with Abihiko saying something like this. And in such vulnerable, sweet moments...

Did it mean Abihiko wanted to hear it back?

Even if Nekohiko couldn't possibly mean it?

"Regarding your virginity," Nekohiko said instead. The change of topic was necessary; he knew it. "Is it because you've had sex before. With other people? So this... with me, it doesn't count?"

...

Why did this hurt, all of a sudden? This feeling of being not as meaningful to Abihiko as Abihiko was to him?

Now it was Abihiko's turn to tense up in a thoughtful pause. "Of course it counts. Neko? I wish I haven't... with other people. I truly wish last night was my first time--"

"It's all right." Nekohiko brushed his fingertips against the needly branches, cautious against the sharp ends. "To me, everyone who was before with you, doesn't count. And everyone who will be after. I promise you."

But instead of taking this small promise graciously, Abihiko pushed Nekohiko aside and sat up straighter, grabbing Nekohiko's face in both his hands. The branches fell to their laps between them, stinging through all the layers, but Abihiko didn't care.

He breathed fervently into Nekohiko's face as he whispered. "Nobody after you. Never."

"Oh, come on--"

"Never." From Nekohiko's cheek, Abihiko's hand slipped lower against his neck until it rested on the Kitten's Paw seashell hanging there.

A pleasant shiver coursed through Nekohiko.

Abihiko's gaze was that intense, that fierce. His hair still hadn't been made up into his usual hairdo, and hung loosely around him like a generous sheet of black silk only slightly roughed up by Abihiko's turbulent sleep positions.

He was still so warm and sleepy from within his blankets that Nekohiko couldn't help but want to snuggle up against him.

"Nobody but you. Forever," Abihiko told him, then pulled him back into the bed to curl up around him like a very clingy shrimp.

"Yeah, but when you'll marry a girl to continue your family line--" Nekohiko began with a sigh.

"No. Never. Let my siblings deal with that shit. I only want you."

"Grrrr, that is so unfilial of you! Think of your parents--"

"YOU. My parents will understand. I only want you." Abihiko clenched around him firmer with all his limbs, now more similar to a crab.

"You make it sound like I'm your new favorite toy," Nekohiko mumbled, sour.

"Yes. Yes, you are. Now and forever. My toy! Now can I play with you some more?"

Nekohiko threw his head back to let Abihiko tickle him all he wanted around his ears and neck. For some reason, Abihiko thought his reactions to the subtle nibbling in these areas were cute -- so oh well...

But deep inside, he felt distraught.

He had distracted Abihiko from the thoughts about love.

Then from the conversation about filial piety and having to marry someone one day to continue the lineage. Because, while Abihiko had siblings who could do it for him if he so wished, Nekohiko... didn't.

And in that letter from Suminoe about Kazuragi's allegiance to Nekohiko's Imperial claim was this one small caveat. One little point that Nekohiko had needed to consent to in order for Kazuragi to support him.

Marriage. Between the Imperial House and the House Nagare.

Nekohiko's marriage to Kazuragi's daughter.

And Nekohiko had already written his acceptance in his reply to Suminoe...

He shuddered with the intense agitation at the lighting up sensations in his skin when Abihiko's lips and teeth teased the tender skin of his neck the further Abihiko rose toward his jawline. Ah, too much! Too much for someone as sensitive as him! It was both such a heightened stimulation and such a sweet one that Nekohiko couldn't help but close his eyes to keep himself from letting out a gasp.

But his toes curled and his heart pounded in his chest, and Abihiko could even hear it. Because they were this close. This unbearably near each other.

And Nekohiko enjoyed every last bit of it.

Especially the quickened and fluttery heartbeat in Abihiko's chest he heard in return.