I was pretty irritated for a few days since the pain from my cramps just wanted to screw me over. Drucilla gave me something for my period so it wouldn’t get in my way as I was training. It did help me not notice I was bleeding from below but it didn’t help me ignore that pain that would appear out of nowhere.

  This didn’t really help me out when I was cutting my bangs with shaky hands since I didn’t trust myself with the scissors I was using. When I went to cut both of my long bangs a painful cramp appeared out of nowhere and it caused me to cut bangs a bit awkwardly. When I went to fix it another cramp appeared out of nowhere and my bangs became rather short. I decided it was time for me to stop before I stop having bangs.

  I mean my hair won’t get in the way of training but it feels so weird to have short hair again. It makes my heart hurt for some reason I don’t want to remember. 

  It's because he loved your short hair so much… He could see your face so clearly and he loved that.

  I felt a painful headache appear when a random thought went through my head. It made me want to puke for some reason and cry out. There someone… Someone who was important to me but for some reason, I don’t want to remember them. Why?

  I decided to just ignore this feeling and go to sleep on my bed. Tomorrow Everette was going to make us have a practice fight against each other with training weapons. I don’t know how it will go but I hope it isn’t going to fuck me up due to my stupid period…

I fell asleep without any type of dream but it was even scarier since I could hear the voices appear once again. I couldn’t make out what they were saying to me but I was too scared to even figure it out. I felt like I was curled up into a ball and I was being looked at by them. 

  They keep whispering and I just knew they were judging me. It is not my fault… I am sorry. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was alone and I couldn’t handle it. No one wanted me and it was so lonely by myself. Stop being angry at me… I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry for being a useless person.

“Quit making excuses. It pathetic ▇▇▇▇▇.” 

  I sat up in my bed and I was breathing heavily. I was covered in sweat and I was trying so hard not to cry. It wasn’t helping when I felt the sensation of my period and the sharp pain of my cramps. Everything was too much and I wanted it to stop already, please…

  ‘I got to take a morning shower again. I really don’t enjoy this but I hate feeling sticky as well. I really hope this won’t be a long period since it is my first one.’ I got out of my bed with a tired sigh and headed to the bathroom to take a warm bath. Drucilla gave me some stuff to use in a bath that would help me out with my period cramps.

  I sat in the bath for an hour before getting out and drying myself off. I carefully take care of my hair and put some hair products in so that it was extra curly. I always did like curly hair… My mommy hair was so curly and felt so soft.

  I was finally done getting ready in the bathroom and put on my training clothes. I headed out of my room and went to the training room that Everette told me about yesterday. I was walking quietly by myself but for some reason, it felt like someone was going to grab me from behind.

  I react quickly and move out of the way. I saw Merrill fall on the ground and I couldn’t help but shudder at the sight of him. He was looking at me with such a gross look in his eyes. I dislike how obsessed he was with me for such a weird reason. 

  “Aury~ You are so cool! You knew I was going to grab you from behind and quickly moved out of the way. I love that about you. Can you please step on me since I am on the ground? It would be a wasted opportunity after all.” Merrill was looking at my legs with heated eyes and I felt the strong urge to just kick him in the face but I just knew that would be something he would enjoy.

  “Get up and don’t call me that either… It's gross and too close.” I was forcing myself to not hit Merrill with all my willpower. I don’t know why but I just wanted to hit him all the time even though I know he would be into that.

  “You are so cold… I just love that Aury! Keep insulting me and looking at me with those beautiful cold eyes of yours. Making me fall deeper in love with you…” Merrill got up from the ground and took one of my hands into both of his. I could feel his hot breath on my hand and I felt myself shivering.

  I didn’t say anything and just backhand slap Merrill in the face with the hand he wasn’t grabbing. When he released the hand he was grabbing I slapped him again. Both of his cheeks were red and had my handprints on them. Merrill froze after getting slapped and I looked at him with cautious eyes. When it seemed like he wasn’t going to do anything after two minutes I started to walk away once more.

  “DO IT HARDER AURY! Call me scum and look at me with those cold-looking eyes of yours.” Merrill grabbed at my back tightly and I almost tripped to the ground. I really didn’t want to look behind me since I could hear heavy breathing. He was rubbing his face into my back so hard I was worried he would just break it.

  “Stop it, seriously! Get off of me! This is too much for me, dammit!” I was struggling to push Merrill off of me but he just wouldn’t move. I was cursing my weak arms and the fact my period was acting up at the moment as well. I knew hitting him wouldn’t help me a lot since that was something he was into.

  “Now, now. Let stop playing around and head to the training room.” Merrill was pulled off of me and I tried not to roll my eyes when I saw it was Isaias with his usual fake smile on his face. He was holding Merrill in his gripe with no trouble. I tried not to feel anything as I realized that he was probably way stronger than me…

  “How about you shove it, pretender. Stand out of my way and don’t flash that fake smile at me.” I couldn’t help but snap at Isaias, I just couldn’t feel comfortable around him, I kept seeing people that just made me feel so angry… It's like I wasn’t able to tell the difference between them at all due to how much his actions remind me of them.

   “Hey, how about we just get along? We are going to be living with each other for an undetermined amount of time.” Isaias had his usual smile still on but I could just feel the coldness behind that smile. I was holding back from pushing him to the ground and running away from him, he wasn’t them and I wasn’t like myself in the past anymore.

  “I rather choke on my own tongue after I bite it off, you bitch.” I coldly said that to him before walking past him quickly and heading to the room where my uncle was waiting. I tried to ignore the fact that I was walking a bit faster than usual and that my hands were shaking a bit.

  ‘He isn’t them… I am not there… I am Aurelia… Everything is fine…’ I repeated that on my way to the place Everette was waiting at and the words kept getting louder in my head. I was basically screaming it over and over again in my head when I finally reached the place where the training was taking place today. 

  “There you are, Aurelia. Your hair looks a bit different today, did you finally cut your bangs?” Everett gave me a gentle smile as he stood in the center of the training room. I awkwardly messed with my bangs and didn’t make eye contact with him.

  “Aury~ There you are! I miss you so much. You are looking so cute with your new bangs. I can see your face more clearly.” I was hugged tightly at my side and I knew right away it was Eli. He was looking at me with his usual sparkly cute eyes. But for some reason, I saw a different face appear for a few seconds and I felt my heart stop beating for a second.

  “Can you let go of me… I am not feeling so good right now.” I didn’t want him to touch me for some reason. I felt like something wasn’t alright with me at all. I couldn’t understand where this feeling was coming from.

‘I wonder when you will finally remember him? It's pathetic how hard you are trying to forget him.’

  I felt a cold sweat appear on my back as the voice came back. I felt like curling up onto the ground and the pain from my cramps was making it hard to focus on what was happening around me. I force myself to calm down and my thoughts finally settle down.

  “Yeah, quit touching her like that weirdo. Such a pathetic look on you.” Colton showed up as well and he had his usual glare on his face. I noticed he was looking at my face and when I made eye contact with him, Colton just looked away with a red face.

  I noticed that Erik was there as well but he didn’t say anything to me. I could feel him staring at me but he wouldn’t say anything to me. He was scared of me and he was cold toward me as well. I just wanted him to stop… I just wanted… 

  “Today I am having you spar with each other. Most of you guys will be fighting with weapons and one of you guys will be fighting hand to hand combat. I want to see your fighting level and then figure out how I will train you.” Everett stood in the center of the training room with a serious expression on his face. I could see some weapons hanging around the room and I could see that they were made of wood.

  “I already picked out who your sparring partner is for today. Merrill and Isaias will be fighting with each other hand to hand. Colton and Eli will be fighting with a staff. Finally, Aurelia and Erik will be fighting with each other with practice swords.” Everett pointed to different areas in the training room and motion for us to move towards the area with our fighting partners.

  I didn’t look at Erik as we walked to the area where the practice swords were waiting for us. He didn’t say anything to me and I didn’t bother to say anything to him either. I grab one of the training swords and turn it around in my hand. It looked rather simple and there was a family crest on the hilt.

  I copy the way that Drucilla held her sword and adjusted it so it felt a bit more natural in my hands. I pointed the training sword directly at Erik and the air felt cold between us. We circle each other, waiting to see who would make the first move. It seems like Erik didn’t want to wait anymore and went to attack me.

  He looked like he was going to swing down at me and when I went to block that with my sword, I was quickly hit in the stomach with the sword. It seemed like he was pretending that he was going to swing down at me… I held back the pained grunt that tried to escape my mouth and went to land a hit on Erik.

  He manages to block many of my attacks but I end up noticing something in the way he fights with a sword. He seemed to mostly focus on protecting his dominant hand and didn’t care to protect the side that wasn’t his dominant hand. 

  I decided to use that against him and kept attacking him on the side he wasn’t focusing on protecting that much. When he went to protect that side I quickly attacked his dominant side. I kept this fighting pattern up and it looked like I was going to manage to defeat him.

  Before I could understand what happened, I was lying flat on the ground and my back hurt. I went to sit up but I was quickly pushed back on the ground and my nose hurt. The training sword in my hand was gone and I went to touch my aching nose. When I looked at my hand I noticed blood was on my finger.

  I looked up at Erik whose eyes were cold and holding the training sword up to my face. I could see some red on the wooden sword. I wasn’t really paying attention to that, I was too focused on Erik's cold eyes. Those familiar eyes of hatred, hating me… It felt like everything went quiet and I could only hear my heartbeat.

  “Who are they to hate you? Always putting up with their bullshit, their unnecessary hatred for something you couldn’t control. What pathetic people, yet why do you…”

  I didn’t let the voice continue and I tackled Erik to the ground. I raised a fist and started to punch him in the face over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!

  I stopped when I saw the same look on his face when this feeling first appeared. He looked so scared of me and he had tears in his eyes. Yet the fear in his eyes slowly became confused and for some reason, black droplets were appearing on his face. I heard myself sniffling and I realized… I was crying.

  “I am not an idiot… I know how you feel about me. I know the old man and you don’t care for me. You hate me and don’t even try to hide that. You see me as something troublesome. I know you are afraid of me as well, Erik.” My voice was a bit shaky and it would crack sometimes but I kept on saying what was in my heart.

  “You loved her so much and I love her as well. She was my mom and she isn’t here… You blame me for her death and I blame myself for her death. I allow you guys to take your anger out on me because I felt like I deserve it. I hated myself as well. I thought that… that maybe if you guys took out all your anger and hatred on me one day… You guys would love me like I love you.” I felt something in my heart get light and heavy at the same time. It felt like something I kept hidden in me was finally able to come out.

  “There is a limit… No matter how much I wish for you to love me like I love you I can’t deal with the way you treat me. Now the love I felt for you guys is just bitter hatred and cold indifference. That makes me feel so…” Lonely… I wanted to say that but I stopped myself. I got off of Erik who I stopped looking at the moment I decided to let out my hidden feelings. I wanted to go somewhere private. I didn’t look at anyone in the training room as I left.

  I wasn’t looking up at all as I wandered around with no location in mind. When I finally looked up once again, I realized I was outside. When I looked behind me I could see the house was still close by and I could see the balcony of my room. I turn my back on the house again and walk toward a big tree.

  When I got closer to it I noticed there was something written on it. There were names carved in the tree with what I assume must be a knife. The names were familiar to me since it was my aunt, uncle, and mom names. I guess this must be their trees or something like that…

  I put my back to the tree and slowly sank to the ground. I pull my knees up close to me and rest my chin on them. I didn’t react for a while until I could feel my body start to shake and I finally couldn’t hold back my sobs anymore. I closed my eyes and started to cry loudly, letting out all the feeling that was kept in my heart.

 I am standing alone in a field of flowers, for some reason I seem a bit closer to the ground. In the distance, I could see someone familiar. It was my mommy and her back was towards me, why wasn’t she looking my way? 

  I started to walk at first but then I couldn’t help but start to run towards her. It seems like no matter how much I try to get closer to her the distance between didn’t go away. I ended up tripping over my feet and fell to the ground hard. I felt myself crushing some flowers under me but I didn’t care about that. 

  I pushed myself up to my knees and I could see that my mommy was walking away from me. She was going to leave me behind again. I don’t want her to leave me behind. The world is so empty without her by my side. I reach out my hand toward her and I notice how small my hand was, like a child…

“Mommy, my mommy. You are the light in this darkness I can't escape. Your beauty outshines even an angel from heaven itself. You deserve only the best and nothing that dim your light.” I couldn't close the distance between us so I tried to speak to her, hoping my words could close the distance between us. I realize my voice sounds like a young child as well...

   “I give you all my love yet you still crave the love of a man who only causes your heart to break. I wonder who you see when you look me in the face? Your precious child or the man who threw you aside? You shouldn't crave the love of someone who will never give it to you.” I felt like there was something bitter in my mouth when I mentioned that man, the man who took my mommy away from me. The man who is the source of all my pain. The man who only knows how to hurt my mommy.

   “But I shouldn't say anything about who love you shouldn't hope for. It seems like I was cursed to hope for a love that would never be granted to me. What a sad life for a loveless mommy and a loveless child. No wonder our fate met the same end.” My voice that sounds like it belongs to a child slowly changed into one suited for someone much younger and I was no longer closer to the ground. 

  I was still on my knees but I was bigger. But the distance between my mommy was still the same. She wasn’t looking my way, I just want her to look at me. Please just look at me and not that man. I am right here…

  I started to notice my mommy start to walk away and the distance between us was slowly increasing once more. I didn’t want that at all. I quickly got back to my feet and started to run after her once again.

  I didn’t want her to leave me behind again. I can’t stand being alone in a world without her. Everyone is so cold towards me and I just want someone to love me as she did. I want my mommy to come back to me.

  “Mommy! Please don’t leave me behind again! I don’t want to be alone anymore! Mommy, what is so special about that man?! He is nothing but trouble! He only knows how to hurt you and he doesn’t love you! Even though he was the one who told you how much he loved you he still picked someone else over you!” I was screaming this at my mommy whose back was still facing me. I was forcing myself to run even faster so I could reach her, I just wanted to grab her!

  “MOMMY! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME BEHIND AGAIN! MOMMY!” The flowers surrounding us were slowly disappearing and it was becoming dark. I didn’t care about that, I just want to get to my mommy so badly.

  When it was getting dark and almost all the flowers were gone, she finally looked at me. Her grey eyes were swollen from all the crying, she was always crying and that made me sad. Her light brown hair was messy but it just made her look so beautiful. The freckles on her dark skin stood out more due to the tears covering them.

  “You can’t follow me, I am sorry. Please don’t follow after me… I don’t want you to come to the place I am. I just want you to be happy… Please be happy… Please…” My mommy had such a sad smile on her face and I just wanted to hug her. I don’t like it when she is sad like this. I tried to reach out for her once more but she only shook her head at me.

 She then turned around once again and walked away into the darkness. All the flowers were gone and I was alone again. I was alone and there was no longer anything left for me in this dark, cold world.

  “...Please come back” I dropped back to my knees and kept looking in the place my mommy went without me once again. I was alone and there was no one here anymore. I wrapped my arms around myself and let out a scream that surrounds me in this dark place…

  I blink my eyes slowly, I must have fallen asleep. I was going to close my eyes again but didn’t when I realized I was in my bed. How was I in my bed when I was outside? Did someone find me and bring me to my room? I sat up in my bed and realized I wasn’t under my blanket and that I was still wearing my training clothes.

  I was going to get off my bed to change out of my clothes and probably take a bath but I noticed something else on the bed with me. It was a paper airplane and I noticed a fox was drawing on it. I grab the plane and open it up.

  “You really shouldn’t fall asleep outside like that. What if someone steals you away? Be a bit more careful princess. Also, you should put a cold towel on your eyes, it's pretty swollen after all that crying you did.” I tried not to blush when I realized that fox ended up seeing and hearing me cry. They must have taken me to my room but how they did it without anyone noticing them is something I couldn’t figure out.

  They couldn’t have come through my balcony, I always remember to lock the door. I could only let out a heavy sigh at something else I would have to figure out. I refold the paper airplane and placed it back on my bed. I let out a quiet yawn as I got off my bed and started to head toward the bathroom. Before I could go inside I noticed something else in my room, a bunch of flowers that weren’t there before resting on the desk in my room.

  When I walked over to the flowers I could see a notecard on it with a drawing of a fox and a drawing of me with a frown on my face and a crown. There were azaleas and irises made into a flower crown resting on my desk. I felt my heart warm up when I remembered the meaning behind these flowers.

  “...So lame.” Even though I said that I felt a smile on my face as I sat at my desk and looked at the flower crown for a bit longer.

Danshi

I love my mom a lot but that doesn't mean it perfect. I am only showing the side of her that I see in my eyes. But I am kind of lonely since there is some distance between us. I guess I am just making an ideal version of my mom in this story. I guess I just feel a bit bitter about her not understanding me being transgender (FTM) and shit. Life is really annoying but writing does help me get these feelings out. Just wanna say for you guys to love yourself even if you can't find a reason I am sure someone else sees something. Self-care is in this year.