I am Aurelia Giliam, I am hated by my family and I crave to feel any type of love. I am stuck in an endless cycle of trying to get the love of people who I know will never give me it. I am bitter, I am angry. I hate this.

  I am Alina. I don’t have a last name. My mommy family doesn’t want me to have their surname and I hate saying my father's last name as well. I felt love from my mommy, that love of her was so warm and so pure. I wanted to experience that love again so I kept my heart open… Until I reached a point where my heart was broken to a point I couldn’t fix it anymore. I met a boy with a kind smile and love for me but… I pushed him away. I lost him. I lost my mommy. It hurts so much. I am so lonely. 

  My role in this world was the villainess, I was made to suffer so other people could fall in love. Even if I try to change my fate it wouldn’t end well for me. I would only suffer and die in the end. I hate this world I was in. I hated the people who were happy because of my suffering. 

  I wanted to be loved so badly by the family who loved my mommy so much. I did everything in my power to make them love me but they only saw my father. The man who caused my mommy to kill herself. The scum threw away my mommy love without a care in the world. I was just a reminder of why my mommy isn’t here anymore.

  The only person who I thought understood me didn’t care about me as I care about him. I felt something in me break once I realized I was alone in the world where I was made to suffer. I hate that I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I hate how the one person who I thought would understand me… looked at me with such cold eyes. I hate him. I hate this world. I hate this crushing feeling in my heart.

  I gave up on love once I realized my mommy family would never love me. When I gave up on love someone finally fell in love with me. He was perfect, he saw me. I wanted to love him back so badly but I was scared. I was so scared he would end up hating me as well. I kept pushing him away until… I finally lost him to someone else. Even though I kept telling myself it was for my own good. I think that was the day I finally died. The one person who loved me is gone and I am alone again.

  I hate this world I was born in. I hate this world I was born in. Even when I managed to experience a new life where I wasn’t Aurelia I still managed to suffer in the end. Maybe it isn’t the world's fault, maybe it is my fault. I hate myself so much. I don’t want to remember this pain anymore. Just let me forget this pain and suffering like the coward I am. No matter how much I want to feel love… I will only suffer in the end…

  I am in a void of darkness, it feels like a place. It is like a home I am coming back to. A lonely home. I am laying flat on my back and I can hear the voice of someone who is so familiar but at the same time completely unfamiliar to me. I could feel myself being grabbed by countless hands as they held me down. They don't have to do that, I don't feel like moving.

  I feel a weight suddenly appear on my chest and I see a young girl looking at me with cold eyes. Her appearance is hard to make out, she looks one way but suddenly looks like something else. It is like she is switching between the way she wants to look but can't settle on an appearance that she likes. Her skin is brown but she looks rather sickly and her skin doesn't look like it sees the sun that much. Her hair is black and short. It isn't a neat type of short hair, it is like someone just cut at the hair with no care at all.

  We try to change our fate. Yet we always fail. Why do we always fail? Is it our fault? Is this a punishment for a crime we did? Force to suffer endlessly. Never getting a happy ending. 

  Her mouth doesn't move as she speaks, it is unsettling but I don't care much about it. I don't care much about anything at the moment. I could feel the hands holding me down on the ground increase their hold on my body. It hurts but I just ignore the pain my body is suddenly feeling at the moment. The young girl slowly brings her face closer to mine and I am just staring at those cold eyes. I feel like I am just looking into an endless void.

  Why do we even try? What's the point? This is a pointless cycle we are in. It feels so exhausting. We should just stop. No more suffering. No more loneliness. Let's end it finally.

  I feel myself getting lost in these cold eyes of hers. It feels like I am slowly becoming an empty shell, my emotions are finally leaving me. I just wanted to lose myself in this strange sensation. It feels comforting in a weird, scary way. I just want everything to finally stop. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I feel tired, I feel weak.

  But... I wonder why I don't want to give in? Why do I still want to keep trying? I am acting so stupid, foolish, stubborn. This is the easy way out for me yet... I still want to... I want to... I want to keep trying. Again and again and again and again and again...

  “I wonder why I'm trying? It is confusing, it is frustrating, it is pointless.” I finally spoke up, my voice echo throughout this dark space I started to pull against the hands that were holding me down on the ground. I didn't break eye contact with the young girl who was sitting on my chest. I could feel the nails of the hands holding onto me dig into my body but I didn't stop trying to escape from them.

  “Whenever I hope for something it always ends up going bad for me. No matter how much I try to tell myself it will work out next time, it never does…” In the girls' eyes, I can see all the moments in my life where everything just went wrong for me. It was just failure after failure. I hated it so much and just wanted to give up. Life was pointless to me. I had nothing. 

  “Maybe I should give up. It would be easier. I lived so many lives where I ended up getting killed. My other life ended with me killing myself in the end. I wonder what the point of trying anymore…” I was slowly moving my body up into a sitting position. The hands holding me were trying so hard to pull me back down but I wouldn't let them. It felt like they would dislocate my bones from how hard they were pulling at me but I didn't care.

  “But… I think I am stupid for saying this… I want to keep going. I don’t want to give in. Some people care about me. I am not unlovable. I don’t want to lose this feeling. Even if… Even if it ends with me getting another bad ending… At least I didn’t give up. I don’t want to give up anymore. When I gave up I lost the only person who ever loved me. I want to keep trying, even if it is foolish. It would be so much easier to give up but I am being so stubborn.” I managed to get only one of my arms free and I started to pull at the hands holding my other arm. I was still looking into the young girl's eyes. She was now just sitting in front of me but I couldn't make out her current expression.

  “I am sorry for not giving up. Can we please keep trying until we reach an ending where we can be happy? To be loved? Let us not give up yet. I don’t want to.” I finally managed to get both my arms free and feel the soreness in my arms, but I just ignored it. I slowly reached out towards the girl and hugged her. I hug me. 

  This is foolish. You are just extending our suffering. Why can’t you just let it stop? It's too much… Just make it stop…

  “...I love you, Aurelia. I love you, Alina. I love me. Even if no one will love me… I will start loving myself. Why should I find someone to love me? I still have myself. I don’t need to look for people to love me. I just need to start loving myself.” As I was saying this the dark space I was in started to get some light. It was like a sun was coming up in this darkness. I didn't let go of myself. I wouldn't let go. I just wanted someone to hold me so tight during the times where everything was so hard... I wanted someone to make me feel so safe. I just needed someone to... I...

The me who was so lonely. The me who hated the world. The me who wanted love so much. The me who was just a child who just wanted a family so badly. The me who grew up too fast.

  I just needed this… I caused all this pain… I hurt myself so badly… I was just like the people who caused my pain as well. I didn’t like that at all. I want to be better, I really want to be better. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

  “I am sorry but… Maybe this time will be better for us? Because this time I will actually learn to love myself. Learn to accept the fact I don’t need to seek out love from other people who clearly don’t love me. Learn that I am someone important.” I was still hugging her, I was hugging the child who needed this hug so badly. I could feel small arms slowly wrap around me and hold me tight. I could feel wetness appearing on my chest but I didn't mind, I just kept her close to me.

  “You are so dumb… Who are we kidding? This trait of ours isn’t that bad. It's so good that it's back. Maybe things will be different this time…” I could feel her disappearing from my arms but the tightness of her arms around me didn't go away. Even after she was finally gone I could still feel her hugging me. I was alone but it still felt like someone was hugging me.

  I am going to be okay. I love... I love myself. I am someone who deserves love. I deserve happiness as well. I am not just a villainess in someone's story, I am just a person who wants to be happy as well.

  The dark space I was in now had a bright light shining everywhere, and flowers appeared around me. They were daisies, white, yellow, and orange daisies. It felt like they were all speaking to me, cheering me on.

  I slowly unwrapped my arms from myself and stood up. I can feel myself standing straighter and a heavyweight disappears off my shoulders. I felt... I didn't know how to explain it but it was a good feeling. A feeling I wanted for a long time...

Danshi

Okay, okay. I have been gone for a good amount of time. I was busy with my part-time job and I was busy figuring out how many chapters I would write until this story is finally done. I am thinking maybe two or three chapters. Then I will have to wait maybe a good amount of time to come up with the second book. Also, I have been like going on a roller coaster with my emotions regarding gender shit so yeah... Also been working on a bunch of other stories I could upload after I am done with this. I have just been super busy with stuff. Also just saying this but it would have been nice if someone could hug me so close during the time I was feeling like shit... Stuff will get better, I don't know when or how but it will get better somehow.