The first thing that hit me was the smell. The reek of urine and cigarettes washed over me and almost caused me to gag. I had to have been lying in a pool of Dog’s urine with…
“Effie…?”
“The lugabout is up finally. I told you he would be right as rain in no time in my care.”
“M-m-master are you ok?”
I slowly opened my eyes to take in the low light of my cave. Dog was next to me hugging a bone with his body and Effie was cooking over a campfire in the corner.
“When did we get here and how? Where is Leyara and the Elven army?”
Everything was foggy in my head. I remember the ill-timed ending of Lord Croshutes and the, OH MY FUCKING GOD.
“I started a war with the Elves didn’t I?”
“Pretty much Master. Leyara and I brought you here afterwards. She had to return to the Sea of Leaves to report though.”
“And I was justa here waiting on yas to come back.”
“Why are you here Effie?”
“I thought maybe you might ‘on’t help me out with a problem I got seeing as how you are all bad ass and killy and whatnot.”
I had no idea what “killy” meant, but I had no reason not to help her. She’s as close to an ally as I have right now. Why not?
“Assuming I am able to?”
“Woohoo! I knew you udn’t leave an old damsel like muhself to figerrr itout. You member my brother, the fairy filcher, I was telling you bout?”
“Yeah, the one with the list of treasures, right?”
“Thatun’s the one. Well, I went and fount a leed on his treasure list.”
“Are you going to pick up where he left off or?”
“Bwahahahaha, no hunny I am a few hunnerd years too old fur that, but maybe, I can get a little justus for my babee brother. I’m ‘bout done with your tea too.”
“Where is this list at then?”
“The Corpse Maze.”
What an ominous name. This could just sound like a terrible place; I mean I am a Vampire and here I am not being a monster 24/7. That tea smelled awful.
“Drink this down and it’ll mek you feel better in no time flat.”
I tasted the tea handed to me and wish I hadn’t. It was bitter and acrid and tasted like broccoli and sardines that had gone bad ages ago. I was going to throw it out, but the hopeful look on Effie’s face dissuaded me. She just wanted to help. I gulped it all down and fought nausea.
“Master, that was a very nasty smelling stuff you drank.”
“That how you know it’s working. Good medicines bitter ya know?”
“Mmmm yeah…”
I turned my head and gagged. It reminded me of being a kid when a bunch of my friends got together and put random things from the fridge in a bowl and we each took turns tasting the nasty concoction of condiments. That was delicious compared to this tea.
“Feeling any better young’n?”
“Ugh…yeah great. Where is this Corpse Maze?”
“It’s south of here in the Dead Zone.”
“Those are the uncolored parts on the map, right? Tonight, I’ll go look at the map in the Watcher’s shack.”
“Gud ta hear, let’s take off on outta here first thing t’nite.”
“No need, we can go out in the morning now that we have discovered the jar.”
I mentally retch knowing that Ron’s disappearing piss was because it was magicked into a jar in my pocket and was the best vampire sunblock in existence. Why is everything so fucking ironic?
“Ai’ight, let’s go first thing in the morning and I’ll whip up some more of that bat bacon ya like so much.”
“That sounds amazing, Effie, thank you so much!”
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The next morning, I was tired as a dog. I got a quick nap, but switching from a nocturnal to a day schedule was a bitch and a half. Poor Ron, kept falling asleep walking and would tumble ass over head over and over in a messed-up line of somersaults. I reached down and scooped him up and carried him. I needed to head south and fast.
“Grab on Effie.”
I took a few steps before everything turned to a blur and I smelled the ocean. I set everyone down and surveyed the area. It was a desolate desert with just sand as far as the eye could see. There wasn’t even a breeze or hills, just an infinite stretch of sand that was only broken by the enormous hedge maze.
“The Corpse Maze… Wheeewwwwww.”
I couldn’t help myself as I looked at the enormous expanse of maze. It had walls that reached into the sky as far as I could see and with no clouds in sight that was a long way up. The walls of the maze seemed to bubble and churn as countless vines and well…corpses moved and folded in on itself and made the walls appear almost liquid.
“The name is not ironic at all. The walls are made of corpses.”
“I heard ‘der were even wurse inside dem walls.”
Ron was agitated already and had grown into what I was calling, “Battle mode”, where he grew in size and ferocity. I scanned the area around us and couldn’t see any approaching…
“The maze is coming right at us!”
“Bwahahahahaha, this here maze hunts fur its’ own walls. I got something that will help though. [][][][][]”
Effie spoke some foul sounding word and the maze stopped. A ripple formed in the center of the roiling mass and a door way formed.
“In the middle of ‘dis here maze is the list of prizes muh brother waz after.”
“This place smells fucking terrifying.”
Why is he smiling so much after saying that?! His tail wagged furiously.
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The cave was exactly where Ron said it would be and the cave slid open when I stepped on the rounded rock in the corner. There was a stone dais in the middle of the room with an ornate coffin sat atop it. A campfire was off to one corner and a large object was in the other covered in some kind of cloth.
“Where could they have gone in the middle of the day?”
A drawer hung half out of the pedestal with a crude map on it that headed south into the Dead Zone. That’s a pretty dangerous place for a man to take his dog. It wasn’t snooping if she did it so she could find where they went. Other than the map, the only thing she found were some old cigarette tips and some venoma tartana, Reaper’s Poison.
“Is that a tea cup?”
In the bottom of the cup was a bit of foul-smelling liquid, that proved what I feared most. Someone had poisoned Vampir or at least tried to. The only problem was that he was immune to all poisons, but his would be assassin must not have known that. I needed to go after them.
I grabbed the “map” and studied it again. It headed straight south and veered left near the coast. They were headed to the Corpse Maze for some reason. Even Vampir wasn’t safe near the Undead King that presided over that labyrinth. Damn, I have to get there and warn Vampir!
On my way out the door, I tugged the cover off of the large object in the corner. There was a woman frozen in the ice! The woman appeared to be a human. I would ask Vampir about her as soon as I caught up to him.
I headed out of the cave and closed up. My Repsteed waited obediently outside where I left him. He stood to attention as I approached.
“South to the Corpse Maze and hurry Bellant!”
My leg swung over the lizard mount’s back and with a prod of my heel Bellant was off at a ground eating pace. His six legs worked vigorously as he climbed through trees over rocks and ultimately to the mountain range that started the Dead Zone and the path to the Corpse Maze.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name: Leyara Quenith de Folioran
Date of Birth: Unknown
Race: Folioran
Hair: Magenta
Eyes: Cerulean
Title: Crown Princess of Sea of Leaves
Magic: Folioran Magic
Interests: Military Strategy, Meat on Skewers, Romance Stories, Petting Ron the Demon Dog, Ron’s Master, Vampir.
