Today was a fun day for me and for my favorite and pretty much the only friend Jimmy.
Day off and drinking entire day is kind of cool right…
I was on my way home. My epic friend Jimmy right next to me while going through the city and we are completely smashed, had to puke like four times already.
¨Man I am never drinking again ever… Seriously!¨
My trademark statement after every drinking night, that’s probably as realistic as few others like: I am going to start working out or I am totally over my ex. Instead it is probably going to be another day full of videogames and cursing my life choices in particular the one to drink so much.
¨Bullshit, you probably said that more than anyone else on this planet at this point already…¨ He is laughing at my sorry ass state.
¨True, that doesn’t mean you are not a dickhead right now you bastard¨
We are often being kind off dicks to each other but I always thought that’s pretty normal? At any rate I don’t think we usually mean it completely seriously. There are incidents when we are drunk sometimes but nothing too serious. We do have a tendency to overdo a lot of things and I wish I wouldn’t do them sometimes, but the magical words do it pussy are too strong.
¨Tell you what you fucker, climb this bridge and piss over someone from there while I videotape that with my phone and not only will you become fucking legend but I will give you thousand crowns for it you pussy¨
My weakness you bastard! Why do I do it every time? To prove myself I am not a pussy ? For the thrill of whatever bullshit we came with or just because I am a bit scared to lose my only friend?? Probably some of all of those anyways I am not a pussy.
¨Deal you fat loser, make sure to tape it correctly and prepare your wallet bro¨
As I climb up the bridge my man Jimmy already recording my glorious deed, that’s most likely very stupid idea.
¨Why so slow, do you want to pussy out?¨
Yea,yeah, make fun of me you bastard. I am not fit for this Jesus. Climbing into height doesn’t make me sick or anything but I am quite a bit overweight so I do have some physical issues.
¨No way man, I might be breathing heavily but that’s just because I am climbing this fucking bridge you dickhead¨
Hahaha. Jimmy almost pissing his pants while watching me struggle is like normal day for me but it is annoying right now. Well I climbed up top and whatever the reason I was getting electrocuted from overhead lines for trolley.
I have suffered a lot, tooth pain and some very badly broken bones in particular. But I have never felt more pain than this. It is insane! My entire body hurts. I wish to die and slowly I actually wish to die. How long will this last? Is this some kind of hell loophole where it is repeating forever already? Is it possible for me that I might actually survive this? Am I that tough? God please help.
Last moments that I properly remember are full of insane pain where even after I lost my vision I still felt pain. Then I think I felt something that was like falling down, probably from the fucking bridge. Yea I am dead. But wait…? If I were dead I wouldn’t be able to think right? Fuck YEAH!!!! I lived.
Hope and a bit of proud feeling that I actually survived being electrocuted forever and falling down from like fifteen meters was all I could think off. But that was all too good to be true. Am I in hospital sleeping or something? Nope there is no way. I am dead. This not only takes too long but I am gradually starting to feel weird. This darkness would be cool and all that because I can still think that this is some sort of passing out and waking up eventually moment, but I think weirdly drifting somehow in my mind is not normal and then I can see a lot of fucking weird colors that I simply cannot comprehend and visualize properly.
It has taken me about a month to fully comprehending what actually is all around me. No one would say they believe me if I told them. But I saw pictures or if we can even say I saw it. More like I knew what it is all around me.
It were all kinds of body parts mostly in bundles that always made up something usually it seemed like weirdly dissected animals. But it was too much bullshit for me. What is this? It makes NO SENSE!!!
I spend a lot of time thinking about what is this and that blabla… but I still had no idea. It did resemble some sort of creating screen or so but no information except few pictures or so were there, no one to explain anything and most importantly it was insane amount of information constantly streaming into my mind. If there even is more information about this I am starting to be considerably worried that I will straight up cease to exist as me if I continue to be in this space for a longer period of time.
Fuck it. I started to do everything in my mind I thought possible thinking off to get me away from there. I was scared, confused and weirdly sleepy.
It was a good idea because after a while all these weird pictures started to weirdly shuffle and disappear into a huge almost like explosion of brightness. It took me with it pulled me into the bright light as if black hole greedily sucking everything not giving anything a chance to escape. Maybe it was an implosion then but I didn’t wanted to delete myself Jeeeeesuss…
It felt way better than dying. What it was I didn’t know. Was I going to heaven? Was it some weird transcend situation after I grasped weird concept to desperately hold onto my own ego? No idea.
After a while I see super bright again and my eyes hurt. Eyes huh? Nice. That means I am waking up fuck yeah stupid dreams that was, I am ready to smack Jimmy once I wake up as usual. But no… after only a short while my eyes started to get used to my surroundings and I noticed that I am for sure in a cave like place. I wish that was the only thing I noticed after my eyes got used to this weird situation. Not only was I not waking up in hospital but I had whiskers? Also my eyes can weirdly move too well and the vision is completely different from what I would regard as normal sight. Not really colors and vision being completely blur around the sides like most of my vision is actually blurred.
¨Squeak, squeak, squeak???? SQUEAK!!SQUEAK!!!!
Okay… I cannot speak either I guess. What the f. Whiskers, colorblind, blurry vision, weird freedom of movement of the eyes… and yes a fucking tail. I tried to think about moving my weird ass dick as I would first think that I had a hard on. Fortunately or not I didn’t and it was a tail. My head was also weirdly reminiscent of biology class where I actually remembered the specific animal that has all of those and is also super annoying disgusting squeaking pest.
Rat. I am a fucking rat. Yeap. I am a rat.
¨Squa sque squack¨
Fuck me, cannot even curse properly anymore!!!
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Hey, popped in on response to the query on the forum asking for a look-over.
For the most part, what I'm seeing is that you are using a little bit too much of a conversational tone rather than an informative one. This isn't necessarily bad. In a nod to the discussion that got me here, it's really one of those things that's all about execution, and I really could see this tone working very well if it were executed just a little better. It's not quite there though.
My most highly recommended solution would be to simply re-write this chapter without me giving any further advice. You've already written over 50 chapters in this series. That ought to have given you enough practice that your skills now ought to be MUCH better than they were when you originally wrote this. If you do re-write this, you should be able to use the same tone but get the execution just a little bit better. (Improving the grammar would help as well.)
The #2 solution in case you aren't confident enough in yourself to simply improve the execution while keeping the current tone is to change the tone into a more informative writing-style. That would mean adding a lot more in terms of the ambient details and slowing down the rapid-fire conversational pace that you are currently using here.
Either way, it is definitely worth it to improve the first 10 or so chapters. That's usually the make-or-break period where a reader is still judging the story and deciding whether they want to keep reading or just drop the series.
@Jemini okay nice. Thanks for the in depth answer. I will try to do that.
I love the idea of a rat-dude, and I like the characters so far. Wound be nice if it was a bit easier to understand tho, especially the in-between-lives bit. (hope this isn't rude :>)
@Helkyrk No it isnt rude at all. Not exactly sure what you mean tho. Overall that part shouldnt really mean much in the story and im not sure if it can be properly understood but he doesnt really know what is happening. Because this story is basicaly being told from w/e point view (there are only 2 characters that are switching) i cannot really disclose things that basicaly he doesnt know. Overall i think i described it okayish. So i dunno what you mean easier to understand. If you could be a bit more specific i could perhaps even rewrite it maybe.
@Wulfos Theres two places that confused me (they switch so quickly
) 1. "Well I climbed up top and whatever the reason I was getting electrocuted from overhead lines for trolley" It was like he was thinking about how his friend is laughing then half-way through that thought something about electricity and teeth. 2. "It has taken me about a month to fully comprehending what actually is all around me." It's all colours and he has no clue whats going on but then he knows it's a month (unless that is a narrator or something).
Thank you for the cool rat story :3
@Helkyrk Well anyone can tell how long time passes kinda. And the important thing to note is he only thinks that and it could be completely wrong. It says it took him about a month so i would assume people realize he is just guessing but overall people can tell how much time has passed. Probably not as good as a clock but still you can generaly tell how much time passes.
The first thing... i am still not sure what what confused you. Simply put he got hit by electricity because of cables for trolley... then he was basicaly contemplating how bad it is compared to something else like a comentary in his mind. I really dont know what was confusing about it. Maybe it seemed a bit off place but he was already dying. So i would assume his mind wasnt really in a normal state.
Anyways thanks for the compliment
Enjoy my story man and i hope that explained even a little bit? 
let's hope this is better than "A Rattling Monster"
@StarEis Honestly cannot tell because the only reason i even know of its existence is i searched through google how many Rat reincarnation stories is out there before i started writing. Anyways when i found out there is even some i got discouraged for a while. Brainstormed few different animals and then realized i should probably not compare my own stories to others. From the few bits that someone else told me im sure its well different already. SO kinda long rant. Just hope you enjoy my story.
@Wulfos from the 3 chapters i have read now, i can say that this start is great, in the Rattling the guy slaughtered kids for levels but this guy can't even kill a spider. Pretty good.
@StarEis
@Wulfos There’s no such thing as originality. You should just write the story you want to tell. Trust me, this is bound to be a million times better than that other PoS rat-reincarnation novel.
@Mandark Thanks for the encouragement.
@Wulfos You cant do story’s on a lot things since people already made them
@Businesssn just make it better and no one will care
like: warlock of the magus world is just the wizard yorld but ten times better
@StarEis That is true