Surreal.

“...Japan was so beautiful…”  “...the shinkansen to Nagoya…”  “...have a pepperoni pizza…”  “...proper fish and chips…”

Yep.  There really is no other word for it.  Three months ago I fell asleep worrying about bills, kids, and replacing the old AC.  Dreamed of fighting an angel.  Then woke up to a mind controlled elf, long pointy ears, having sex inches away from my face.

Suddenly I’m in a world like those fantasy light novels my kids introduced me to.  With a young muscle bound body and spirit overflowing with mana.

Yeah, mana.  Magic stuff.

Since then I’ve fought demons and dragons.  Executed nobles and a goddess.  Got healing magic, an undead army, and not just one, but two super swords.

Even inherited a magic electric guitar.

Oh, and did I mention getting laid?  Like, a lot?

Now it hasn’t all been wish fulfillment.  Had a bit of a “psychotic episode” at first.  Went insane in the membrane.  Elected crazy of the month at the isekai mental institution.

But, I’m feeling muuuch better now.

Lost my Schwarzenegger body to some Kamehameha attack from the local religious wackos.  Those assholes also killed my first harem.

Got saddled with a castle.  Yes, saddled.  Already have two mortgages and know one hell of a bill’s gonna show up for this heap of bricks sooner or later.

Then my hoped for training montage?  Turned into, ugh, fucking Hogwarts.  Instead of Eye of the Tiger¹https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btPJPFnesV4?  I got…  Uh…  Shit, don’t know a school song.  Why?  Because I hate school.

Completely bombed the entrance exam.  Still cheated my way in thanks to them wanting my [Recovery Magic].

Yeah, and today?  My first day of school in, like, thirty-forty years?  Totally sucked.

Jesus, I am so screwed.  But can’t deny that I need it.  There is so much shit, especially magic, that I just don’t know.  No matter how helpful my second harem tries to be.

Ended up killing my first isekai wife’s entire family, and her childhood mentor.  Christ, how’s that for a wedding gift.  Well, at least we’ll save money on Christmas cards and gifts.

Silver linings, people.  Silver linings.

By the by, did I mention my cult?  Nope, not the band.  An actual, don’t drink the kool-aid, honest to god cult.  Or, in this case, guess it's an honest to me cult.

People pray to me.  Actually pray.  What. The. Fuck.

And topping all of that?  Guess who’s going to be a daddy, again, soon?  Yep, this guy.

First wife, Red, is expecting.  Knocked her up two months ago.  She’ll probably start showing in a month.  My number one stalker mistress, Frosty, is also prego.  Though she’s only a couple weeks in.

Her’s may be risky too because she’s basically an elf senior citizen.  Though she looks like a breastless twig loli.

But, this time I’ll get it right.  God, let it be this time I get it right.

Oh, and that’s not counting all the non-harem pregnancies.  The only one I know for sure about is the slave-wife of the future local duke.

The others?  Well, you see, I got knocked out for a day, twice now, and…

Let’s just say that the locals, and my cult, “took advantage” of the opportunity.  So I might have a whole pack of rugrats inbound.  Yeah, this world has [Sex Magic] with contraceptive spells but, you’ve got to be conscious to cast them.

Which I was most definitely not.  At the time.

Yeah, the missus back home is gonna kill me.  Even if she doesn’t outright leave my ass?  I’ll be in the doghouse, like, for fucking ever.

Sigh…

Is there an isekai edition of what to expect when you’re expecting?

And I’ve still got squat on stopping the asshole that started all this!  As in the summoning that grabbed me, instead of my son, to begin with.

At least there’s been some progress.  The goddess we found at the bottom of “The Fallen Labyrinth of Qrephine” pointed a bloody finger at her daddy as the one pulling the strings.  Who has been laying low, ever since his kids killed him.

Let this be a lesson to all you slacker dads out there.  If your kids are gods and want ice cream?  Better get them some damn ice cream.  A “timeout” is apparently not an option at that level.

At first I thought some sort of super counterspell might be enough but, after finding all these other earthlings?  Really doubt it will be enough.  So that leaves putting down the asshole who pointed Frankie at my son in the first place.

If I can’t stop the kidnappings?  Then I can at least kill the child abductor that’s got my address.

Just got to find him.

Of course being new here.  Finding the tomb of some ancient god buried, who knows where, thousands of years ago.  Isn’t really something I can handle by myself.

Fortunately, thanks to my [Recovery Magic] and a bunch of forcibly retired crippled ex-adventurers?  I’ve now got a huge line of credit with an isekai staple, the Adventurers Guild.

Pointing a shitload of resources at finding that dead divine daddio.

Now, while waiting for leads, I just got to get gud.  Which will take a lot of training and, shudder, learning.

Powerful allies will help too.  At least that’s what my ladies believe.  Though I’m not entirely convinced.  Still, having the fantasy analog of ancient china on my side certainly shouldn’t hurt.

But right now?  I’m dealing with fantasy scandinavia.  I think.  Since they all look very viking-ish-y.  The nordic daughter of a duke of Lustonia, an otome game kingdom, is so excited she might pee her dress.

My ladies and I are still sitting in one of the booths of the semi-secret underground Stormgarde club’s Vegas style lounge room.

Funnily enough.  Through the shadows I see Sonja’s fiance and Helena’s rapist-to-be, Prince Conrad le douche, on the hunt.  Searching for said Helena.  Yeah, you keep looking, asshole.  Your date’s with me now.

And after discovering that Helena really is from another world?  That ducal daughter, Lady Sonja Almgren, ice bitch, has switched to chatty cathy mode.  Talking up Helena and Hitomi.

Swear she’s got to be bipolar or something.  Her personality changes are just too drastic.

“...last season of Naruto…”  “...Lupin is my favorite…”

Which isn’t to say that Helena, actually Elizabeth I guess, and my JK girlfriend are not being plenty chatty on their own.  They’ve, like, instantly bonded.

Sonja is slipping in some questions here and there but mostly just enjoying the show.

Otome girl has stopped crying.  Frosty and Hitomi helping clean her up.  And this Brit?  Is a really big fan of everything Japan.  While my japanese high schooler is thrilled to find another “real” person.

And on Lizzy’s side?  Which will be Helena slash Elizabeth’s new name.  Finally finding other earthlings is clearly a huge relief.  You can just about see all the pent up stress and fear falling away.  Also looks like Hitomi has been promoted to BFF.

From the looks she’s sneaking at me though?  Suspect I’m still one of her “capture targets.”

Sigh…

“...Mila has some competition…”  “...soon be harem plus…”  “...think Sister Elizabeth would…”

My ladies are not being passive either.  Most already assume the harem-bed in Lions Keep’s Grand Suite will be getting another occupant or two.

Yeah, its a ridiculously huge bed but at this rate?  Gonna be getting crowded soon.

Maybe take over the maids’ floor?  Give each of my ladies their own room?  Is there room for that?

*sip*

Oh yeah.  The smoky sweet burning taste of this whiskey is just what the doctor ordered to deal with isekai weirdness.

Honestly?  Surprised every isekai story isn’t full of alcoholics and addicts.

“Mmhm...”

Frankie leans into me from my left.  Turn just in time for her to steal a kiss with juicy violet lips.  And then a couple more before my brain catches up and I start returning the favor.

When I finally come up for air, “What was that for?”

A beautiful smile answers me.  “Master’s love is spreading.  Gathering new faithful.”

Isn’t my second isekai wife, Ushinua “Frankie” Barton, just the cutest religious fanatic you could ever wish for?

“Husband?  Please?”  A rubbing and squeezing hand down my pants draws my face to the right.  In time to meet the firm ruby lips of my fist isekai wife, Edelys “Red” Barton.

Her tongue insists I give it proper attention.

Through our mana-metal wedding rings I feel their devotion.  Their lust.

It's intoxicating.

“Viscount Barton?”

And interrupted.

“Yes.”

Didn’t really mean too but, put some mana into my reply.  Adding weight and force to the word.  Rattling their fillings, so to speak, and instantly ending all conversation in the booth.

“Did that get you moist too?”  is whispered.

Hitomi…

Ending most conversation in the booth.

“M-my lord.”  Crap.  Didn’t mean to make a nervous knight.  “A messenger fr-from Princess Tiang Li Zexi requests an audience.”

Oh, yeah, shit.  Shadows show me the same oriental servant looking dude from lunch today waiting passed the curtains.  Just dressed fancier.

Guys wearing a lot of silk.  Those dragon designs, is that actual gold thread?

Wow, that’s not rich.  That’s richie rich.

I look to my left and see Frankie, Blue, Oda, Sim, Frosty, Lizzy, and Hitomi.  Looking right shows Red, Lili, Lula, Val, Sonja, and Mila.

Three wives, three concubines, three mistresses, one loaner, one girlfriend, and two guests.  Thirteen beautiful women choosing to spend their time with me.

I like to think I sort of understand why, but I really don’t.  They really shouldn’t be spending their time with a monster like m-

A loving squeeze around my left hand.

“Master?”

“Yeah, thanks Frankie.”  Squeeze back and send her a smile to soothe her worried face.

Well, let’s get this over with.

“Coming…”