Madeline had always believed she loved her husband. And she did, that much was true. Or at least, it had been. Everic was a fine gentleman when they had first begun dating, but he had also been very caring and passionate.

Over time, however, he’d cooled. The vigor of youth had faded from him far too soon and his little peculiarities that before had seemed so endearing had become irritating. The man’s stubborn refusal to eat if she did not personally cook the food, accusing her of spoiling him. How he fussed over every hair on his head, the way felt the need to share every dream he had as soon as they wake up.

Other little things, too. Like the fact he couldn’t sleep without all doors and closets in their room being open or else he feels it’s too”stuffy”. He needed the dishes stacked in a particular way. Required clothes folded in a specific order, by color and type. He had too many hats, suits, and canes he bought on whims that were never used at all. He simply liked the style but said they didn’t match him.

What she felt was especially annoying and possessive, which she once found so very sweet and loving? The fact he had to put a foot over her own at bedtime to make sure she was there.

Were these things worth resenting? She didn’t know. Maybe they weren’t actually as bad as they seemed to her, but every one of those quirks made her just slightly more fed-up with each passing day. And the number of quirks he had were more than just those she listed.

Perhaps she could have dealt with them, though. Maybe, if he had stayed how he did in the first years of their relationship and marriage.

But over time, all passion had seemed to die out. Madeline had never said anything about it. And she had made numerous attempts to fix the problem over the years.

Asking him to go out for a date. Trying to be more affectionate throughout the day. Attempting to spice up their sex life to see if that helped.

But he never wanted to even take a stroll outside. Didn’t return her small touches or smiles. Cared not a bit for any gifts she bought him. He wasn’t receptive to even having sex with the lights on.

She’d talked to him about her feelings too, but he only rebuffed her by saying she was being paranoid. That their relationship was fine and they didn’t need to go on dates or buy things for each other to know they loved one another.

What was it he said?

“Our relationship isn’t about flowers or candy. It’s more than enough that we simply enjoy each other’s company.”

Those words were said so casually, but there was something that died in her when she’d heard them. She thought he was cheating on her at first. That wasn’t the case, but that would’ve been preferable to knowing how little thought he gave her. Where was the romance? The love? There was nothing but complacency now. A lack of effort.

Madeline hated that. Couldn’t accept it. At the first signs of her pregnancy, however, she thought that maybe a child would help to fix things. For as much as he had his faults, Everic Miles was a man who took his responsibilities seriously. And what bigger responsibility was there than fatherhood? Even if he was neglectful as a husband, surely he’d not fail his child.

But the man didn’t take the news well. “A child? That’s terrible. We can’t be taking care of a child right now. we’re both so busy with work. Now we’re going to have to hire a nanny.”

Even so, she believed he’d come around.

After her miscarriage, that last vestige of hope and died with her unborn child. The worst part of it all? How he almost seemed almost relieved at it’s death.

She realized, then, that this was a farce of a marriage. And that the man she married had maybe done so only because he wanted a partner. Not a wife or even a lover.

And so she just...stopped trying. The death of her child, her uncaring husband. It did something to her. Broke her in ways she didn’t understand and maybe never would. So much so that for years after, she too had settled into the routine. Clung to it desperately. She had been raised to treat family preciously, to remain faithful to them. And Miles, he had become her husband.

She needed to love him. Needed to stay with him. Because that’s just what wives did. They stayed faithful and caring towards their husbands. Supported them. Madeline had retreated into herself and trudged on because her vows demanded her loyalty.

Or maybe that was an excuse. Maybe she stayed with Everic because she felt she deserved his neglect. For what? For failing her child. Madeline felt it was her fault it had died.

That as a woman, as a mother, she’d failed. And staying with Everic was her punishment. That she was no longer worthy of happiness or love.

....But then she met Damien, and for the first time in forever, she felt alive. His touch set her nerves aflame. And his words?

“Leave him. I can care for you better than he can.”

They made her want to cry. They had not known each other very long, but the earnestness in his eyes when he said that let her know he’d meant them. He could care for her, love her.

He, too, was a bit broken. To what extent, she didn’t know. But there was a touch of tragedy hidden behind that smile of his and she thought that maybe he would be able to understand, to some extent, her own pain.

Long after the heat of his fingers left her body, his words were what lingered. Tempting her with the possibility of a real relationship with someone who could truly cherish her.

But she was married. And that meant something to her, even if it meant little to her husband. A promise was a promise, after all. Not to mention, Damien was so much younger than her. Her student, no less.

Even more than that, she was scared of taking this chance. Thought that, again, she didn’t deserve it.

Why, then, did she cry so hard after he’d left her that day? Why did seeing him dance with that girl make her feel so numb and hollow?

Madeline couldn’t quite comprehend her own emotions. And even today, the way he and that Vera talked to easily and freely with each other sent a wave of white-hot jealousy through her that made Madeline’s sense of guilt and remorse all the more palpable.

She shouldn’t feel this way about someone almost half her age. She shouldn’t regret stopping him that night.

But she did. Gods help her, but she did. And she handled it like a child. Instead of putting these feelings aside, she’d let herself argue with a student because she’d ‘taken’ Madeline’s spot at his side.

Even though she knew, logically, she was a hypocrite for being angry. She was the one to reject him. She shouldn’t blame him for trying to move on, or be angry with Vera simply because she spoke the truth.

Of course rumors had started. And of course she was a poor wife, one who yearned for another man. Madeline was a vile woman, petty and jealous when she had no right to be.

Even so, Damien had, for a short time, brought color back into her life. And now? It was like the world was in shades of grey. Like all possibility of happiness had drained away again.

But she had made her choice. No matter how much she lamented, she could not reverse what she had already done.

“They always say ‘no more’ until they want me again.”

That’s what he’d said. How could she approach him after that? She’d only make his words ring true and she couldn’t bear the thought of proving him right. She’d hurt him once already, and that was enough.

As Madeline watched Vera’s trademark green hair cross the schoolyard from the classroom window, she had one thought.

Please, love him well.

Because Madeline’s chance to do so had been thrown away by her own hands. And that, that’s what was truly unbearable.

I didn’t deserve him anyway.