“Square up, bitch.” Muriel raised her fists in a boxer’s stance and shadow punched the air, an ancient primordial aura bursting from her every pore. She stared at Honey like she’d just encountered her life’s enemy.

The poor girl was so scared out of her mind she immediately went braindead and collapsed back onto the bed.

“That’s what I thought. Four-eyed little tart.” The woman trailed off and spat on the unconscious Honey.

Damien was thoroughly confused. “What the hell are you doing here?” He asked her.

Muriel ignored the question entirely and only sent a pair of starry eyes at her son. “My baby boy~!” She gushed, flying into his arms with all the force of a speeding bullet. Like a .44 to the chest. Damien, who’d just rose from the bed to greet his mother, was thrown to the floor.

He was then mercilessly assaulted. It was utter carnage. Attack of the Milf were words that did not do this scene justice. He was hugged, rubbed and squeezed until he started having war flashbacks.

“Mommy missed you so much!” Muriel cried. Full on-cried. Tears, snot, the whole nine.

Damien couldn’t take it anymore. “Jesus fuck, woman, get off my jock!” He struggled to push her away, but his mother was not one to be beaten to easily.

“You have no idea how cold and lonely I was.” Muriel sniffed, not at all acknowledging his attempts to throw her off.

“Mama couldn’t sleep without her favorite cuddle buddy. Did you miss mommy, too? Were you sad? Let’s never part again!”

By now his entire shirt was soaked through with salty tears.

What’s worse? The barrage of kisses he was suddenly assaulted with.

Eventually Muriel came up for air and looked down at him. She wiped at her eyes and sniffl ed, saying, “You smell like alcohol and slut.” She glared at the unconscious Honey. Her eyes glowed dangerously.

Damien’s cheek twitched. “Will you please tell me why you’re here already?”

“Oh, it was terrible.” Muriel began, looking extremely woeful. “I was just having my late-afternoon nap when I was struck with the most horrid of sensations like someone was challenging me for my position of your mommy. Can you believe that? The arrogance! It was quite annoying. So anyway, I started running.”

Her words stunned him into a short silence. “You...you ran?”

“Yes. It would be much faster if I flew, but I was panicking and wasn’t thinking straight.”

If Damien ever had any doubt his mother wasn’t a normal human, they were gone now.

“I should’ve actually had Mary bring me, now that I think of it.” She stuck her tongue out, trying to act cute. “I’m a bit of a scatterbrain sometimes, aren’t I? Well, it’s just one of my many charms.” She laughed. “Forget that. More importantly, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to your father and split you two up. No matter, your sister could use the experience to grow up. But I can’t stand being separated from my darling son a moment longer! So, I have some things to do. I’ll see you later, honey.”

Muriel offered a mysterious smile and calmly left. As she exited, the door fixed itself. The scattered pieces coalesced, becoming whole once more.

...Nope, I’m too hungover to deal with this shit.

Damien decided to get back to sleep. He didn’t exactly need to sleep anymore, but there’s no way he’s gonna stay awake and deal with the strange shivers his mother’s final words gave him.

So he climbed back into bed. Only, he belated noticed that Vera had long since disappeared. He was instanty dismayed.

Dearest body pillow....come back....

The absence of his new favorite little spoon rendered him incapable of sleep.

* * *

A few days, Damien was walking through the busy hallways of Baumeister towards his next class when someone tapped on his shoulder.

“Guess who~” A sweet, lyrical voice cooed. He turned around and noticed a familiar face. One with large glasses, a cute spray of freckles, and wide honest eyes.

It was a girl from his homeroom. Except there was something innately different about her. Gone was the earnestly cheerful kid with a love for the arts. In her place was a girl with a teasing grin and an aura that radiated, somehow, immense sex appeal.

Damien was startled. Not really at the change in demeanor, but because he hadn’t at all sensed the girl’s approach.

He stared at her, feeling another kind of familiarity. He searched for the name to the face.

“Stephanie?”

The girl’s grin only widened. “Wrong!” She laughed cheerfully, taking a triumphant pose. “It’s me, mama!”

His mouth fell open. “Mother? Fuck.” He cursed on reflex. “What the hell are you--? No, before that, what happened to Stephanie?”

“She’s in a better place now.” The woman wearing Stephanie’s face replied.

"You killed her?!” Damien hissed low, horrified but somehow not very surprised.

“What? No.” Muriel folded her arms indignantly. ” I paid her to go away. Your father would get annoying if I started killing people, then he’d drag me back. As long as I behave, even if he finds me, he won’t have any real reason to get involved.” She explained. “He gives me a lot of freedom, provided I’m quiet. ” A roll of the eyes. “Fighting your father is just more trouble than it’s worth sometimes. I’m too lazy to deal with him every time he freaks out, you know? It’s less tiring to just go along with his dumb morals.” She snorted.

His brain was starting to hurt. “Mother, you can’t just--”

“Either you let me be a student with you, or I tell everyone I’m a spurned lover you got pregnant and I’ll hound you relentlessly day in and day out. Oh, I’ll also reveal my true appearance and tell them I’m your mother on top of that.”

He found this quite unreasonable. “Why the ever-loving fuck would you do that?!”

“To punish you for trying to stop me from being with you.” She said dismissively. “I told you, I miss my baby boy! So I want to spend time with you. And you trying to deny me, your mommy, this right, is a betrayal of the highest order.

As punishment, I’ll ruin your reputation. Vera tells me you’ve worked quite hard to build up a good one.”

“....You wouldn’t.”

“You really think I care what other people think of me?”

She’s insane. Utterly, completely, batshit insane. Who thinks like this?

“Dad’ll lose his mind.”

“Yeah. He’ll be so mad. Imagine his face! It’ll be hilarious.” She cackled. “That man cares so much about his family’s ‘good name’, I’d be happy to run it through the mud.”

Damien grew very sour. If this crazy mother of his really told such lies, there’s no way he’d be able to seduce Madeline!

Julia might not really care, since she’s a gold digger. But he also didn’t want to take that chance, not with either of them.

He had such a good rep at this school! It’ll piss him off to have all his hard work to earn that all be for naught.

“Alright,” He quickly made his decision. “I’ll allow it.”

“I knew my son was a reasonable person! Oh, this is going to be so fun!” Her face lit up beautifully.

Damien was already regretting this.

* * *

“Uh, so, apparently Mrs. Cline suddenly quit. Fortunately, the school quickly found a replacement. ” Ms. Moon stood at a podium, having called the classes into the audience room for a quick announcement. She gestured to her left. “Meet Ms. Rosemary, our new school nurse.”

As Mary, clad in a long white coat, took the attention of every man in the room, Damien was grinning from ear to ear.

It was the return of the best breasts in the west.