I spotted her off in a corner of the classroom, staring slightly down at the table, her lips pursed into a small frown, her fingers twirling through her cherry red hair.

It’s not exactly that uncommon to see a new face, I believed. Yeah, it’s a small school in a tiny town, but community college is still college. You’re gonna have people from all over applying - frankly I’ve seen more new faces than ones I’ve recognized since getting here. Those new faces usually all show up at once, however, not a few weeks into class. She must be a late transfer, a last minute addition. And by her looks it seems like she’s lonely…

“You gonna go up and talk to her at all, or just keep staring at the new girl like some incel? I’m not going to have to worry about doing a duck and cover one day, Liam?” I startle as Joey bumps me to the side, ribbing me about my, eh, let’s say less than couth reaction.

“I mean, I’m not gonna just, like, go up to her, right? Some big asshole lumbering up to you on your first day?” I stare down at my feet, grinding the heel into the cheap linoleum. “God above, wouldn’t that be the creepiest shit?”

“Dude, and standing in the doorway eyefucking her is the epitome of class? Trust me, you’re a barrel of fun, you’ll at least keep her busy during snoretown here.”

I giggle to myself, realizing how I’m getting into my head again, like always. I tell myself that either she engages with you and you make a friend, or you back off like an adult, easy peasy.  “Hey Joey? Would you mind if I sat next to her this hour?”

He just turns to me and chuckles. “Dude, I’m not your fuckin’ keeper, sit where you want. Thanks for keeping me updated though, I’ll be sure to jot it down in my seating notes.” I give him a slap on his arm and mutter ‘dick’ under my breath - I do love the guy though. UWWC might be less of the ‘great adventure of freedom’ like the colleges you read about in stories, and more ‘High School… 2!’, but thank god above I was still here with my best friend. The man kept me sane when I was a panicked mess as a little kid, helped me mellow out into the easy going person I am today. 

I slid into the seat next to her, dumped my notebook out and started back up on the doodle I left off at last week’s notes - getting into class so early at least gives plenty of down time. “Hey there. Name’s Liam.” It seems like I shocked her out of whatever mood she was in, but not enough to keep her eyes from boring right into my direction. “Couldn’t help but notice the fresh face in the class. Decide accounting was for the birds and to join us in the fun sector?” A small smile crept onto her lips - going for a joke was a hundred percent the right entrance.

“Nothing so interesting. Got into town just under the wire to get me into classes, albeit late. I’m Sarah~” Whoa, her voice was amazing. Husky, yet with a sing song quality to it. I couldn’t help but imagine her as a lounge singer, toying with patrons in a smoky room.

“Well, don’t worry. You haven’t missed that much. Pretty much all the actual teaching comes from the book, and we just watch movies in class here. Honestly it, kinda sucks? C- teaching at best.” I don’t think I could dislike this class more - I took it because the booklet had listed it as “Film Studies” and I figured ‘hey! At least one fun class for something you actually like’. Instead it turned out to be an “Existentialism” class - they taught the philosophy via pop films and pamphlets, leaving pretty much everyone lost and confused. I thought it was a study on the medium...

“Well, Mr. Liam. You paint such a bright picture of the class! Thank you for the warm welcome~” a soft giggle escaped her lips, and I felt a warmth in my gut along with a chill in my spine. 

Sputtering, I throw out a “It’s actually not that bad, I’m just a little salty it wasn’t what I expected. The subject still is pretty fascinating, it’s just a lot tougher to pivot from expecting movie making to getting hardcore philosophy!”

She gave a soft look in my direction and let out another giggle. “You really didn’t read the booklet very carefully, did you? Can’t exactly blame the course now can you.”

I couldn’t help but blush slightly at her teasing. “Uh, if you need someone to catch you up to where we are, I could probably use someone to help study this with. Joey,” I pause to point to my friend across the aisle, which I immediately regret as he notices and gives a thumbs up. “Ah, isn’t exactly the best in that department, dude’s on a fast track to flunk out entirely if you asked me. What’s the rest of your schedule like, any free time?” 

A short ruffle through her bag to pull out the printed sheet and a cross check to my own (I know, I should have it memorized by now, but I just did not have any skills in that department) shows that no, this was the only class in common today. But hey - at least our classes are at about the same time so our lunches matched up, and we could hang after school easy. Instantly, we decided that it was a hundred percent happening, especially after giggling our way through the entire first hour of Apocalypse Now in class.

One hardboiled egg, one whole pickle, and a cheese sandwich. The lunch of kings! Well, the lunch of folk who don’t want to spend more than three bucks at a shitty cafeteria. Usually I sneak out for some fast food if I’m actually feeling hungry at lunch, but I just had to go and make a commitment to a new friend. I wish Joey would have stuck around with me, but he insisted that we wouldn’t get anywhere with a third wheel. Said he would go have lunch with "Shemp and Pete Best". I'm pretty sure he just wanted better food...

No, actually I wish she would hurry up and get here - being alone always spiked my anxiety as a kid, that hunter in the back of my mind who wanted nothing more than to tear me down. I wish I knew what it was that it always, always wanted me to be afraid of, but I just couldn’t put two and two together. Granted, I eased myself a lot over the years - if my childhood was me as prey, my teen years were me dissolving into a safe, easy wave. It’s a hell of a lot better to be guarded and numb than vulnerable and scared.

I snap myself out of this before I start to spiral - I can see her standing at the entrance, her bare legs rubbing together under her skirt, squinting to find me. I give an easy wave and a short whistle, and her face, just, completely lights up. Oh god above, if there was any chance that this was just a friendship and not a crush, that look killed it. Sure she looked cute all moody like she was this morning, but that smile has just shattered my heart.

“Liam! You actually came!” She slides into the seat across from me, dumping down a plate with some of that disgustingly rectangular cafeteria pizza. I have no idea why kids at school like that crap, but I ain’t gonna judge ‘em. “Frankly with my luck, I was half expecting you to pull a fast one on me and ditch as soon as you could.”

“Why in the world would I do that? You seem really sweet! Plus, god above, that class. School should be easy, but that class man. If anything in the world could make it go by that quickly, you gotta, like, hold onto it tightly, you know?” She giggled pretty hard at that. 

I smiled thinking my earnestness won yet another person over, until she replied “Like? What are you, a valley girl? How very.”

I mocked indignation, although my ego was thoroughly bruised. “Hey! Just because I’m a dumb yokel doesn’t mean I gotta speak like one! Who taught you manners missy, you the schoolyard bully as a kid?” 

She just rolled her eyes at that comment and replied “No yeah, the openly trans kid who moved in halfway through the year never was made fun of, you got me chief. I was definitely the instigator in the schoolyard!” What… what in the world does that mean? Ugh, I don’t want to look stupid in front of her, I can’t just ask. Or whip out my phone and make it so obvious I’m googling it... I’m a smart kid, I’ll just… guess. Trans...fer? Like a transfer student?

“Why would anyone bully you just for that? Jesus, what are we? Middle schoolers?” Oh man, if there was any tension in her shoulders, or guard to her smile, they just left in that instant. “Then again, kids are stupid and cruel. They used to tear into me just because I was such an easy target with my anxiety. I swear, if you actually met me in middle school I wouldn’t have even been able to breathe with a new face in the crowd!” I was trying to boast about how far I’ve come, but I instantly thought back to this morning and, well. I’m glad she wasn’t paying attention before I sat down.

Honestly, I don’t know what it was, but around high school I was finally able to numb myself off from most of that worry, and how the other kids would treat me. Probably meeting Joey, really. Joey taught me to be funny, and I could weaponize that. Suddenly no one was laughing at me, they were laughing with me. Sure, everything started feeling a bit, numb, after a while. But I survived. Without any of the fancy therapy we’d never be able to afford on a few factory worker’s salaries. 

“Well then, I’m glad I met you when I did, valley girl~” A soft slap on her arm and we eased into our lunches, laughing about our next classes and all the shitty kids we left behind.

So of course we also met up after classes ended. I was worried she’d had to be sick of me by now, but she was still all giggles and smiles, even though I was still whining about that awful class. “I mean, what are the teachers even there for if they’re not gonna teach anything. Get a fourteen year old to run the projector and your golden.”

Sarah simply turned and giggled, giving me a mocking smack on my arm. “I thought you were bragging earlier about how easy school was! Don’t tell me a little solo reading is too hard for you now~” Her teasing, singsong tone easily brought a smile to my lips. 

“Well, it’s not going to be so bad anymore, now that I finally have a study buddy worth a good god damn! Today’s already been brighter thanks to that! Thank god above it’s almost over - this class takes so much out of me.” I sorta joke on autopilot, although I realize as soon as I say it that I didn't really want this moment to end at all.

I look over, and Sarah's jovial expression had suddenly soured… no, not quite that. It was serious, moody. Like when I first spotted her. But there was a brightness to it now. I suppose she just didn’t want to head for home yet either? I could really understand not wanting to be home.

“Hey Liam?” A slight smile crept back into her lips - a good sign I hoped! “I just want to thank you again for hanging out today. I was so worried that college would just be the same garbage as always, with a price tag on the end. But you really made today, nice~”

I waved her off with a laugh, “It’s no problem at all! Like I said before, I love making friends and just chatting with you for a bit, I can already tell you’re gonna be a great one! Those dips you used to know just couldn’t realize what they were missing. Frankly, I can’t imagine what got up your old school’s asses. Really, torturing someone just because they moved around a lot? How cliquey can you get?”

“Moving arou… what?” A stifled giggle… good god it was adorable. Not sure I’m happy with that reaction, but I could stand to hear that sound more. “Liam, it was pretty obvious that wasn’t the only thing they were tiffed at.”

“You, uh, said it was though? They mocked you for being a transfer student? Trans?” A puzzled look on her face - it almost looked like she was desperate to laugh at that sentence, if not for the worry growing on her cheeks. Suddenly her eyes seemed to bulge slightly, a hand coming to cover her lips. Oh good god, did I say the wrong thing? Jesus christ, I had to be way off the mark. Why did I bring it up again before googling it!

“Is that… is that what you think that means? Where in the world did you get that idea? Liam, it’s short for Transgender. You… couldn’t tell?” 

Well, now it’s my turn to look puzzled. I shrug my shoulders and throw out a quick “How in the world am I supposed to tell something I’ve never heard of before?”

“Oh god, this town is smaller than I even thought it was. I hope this isn’t a mistake, but you were so nice to me… Liam, it means I was born a boy. I decided, I didn’t want to be one. So now I’m not.”

My heart stopped.

You know, there’s life changing moments that sneak up on you. You look back in ten years time, you’re in the middle of art school, and you think ‘If I never saw that dumb cartoon as a kid, would I ever care about art this much? That had to be where it started.’ Someone introduces you to texmex for the first time, you enjoy the meal a little more than most, you’re asking to try new things at home, you look up how to make them yourself, suddenly there’s a love for cooking in your heart that you would have never imagined would be there had you lived with just that boring midwestern pallet.

But sometimes, there’s two or three moments that hit you all at once, and you know your life has just changed forever. Love at first sight moments. Someone plays a record and from the first chord nothing is the same again. You learn something new, something vital, something that was kept from you but explains so, so much.

“You… you can do that?”

It escaped from my lips before I could even process what I was saying. I think I’m in shock! Suddenly I couldn’t coast. My existence was no longer an easy wave for me to float in, ignore everything, let myself dissolve. Because my brain couldn’t help but make the connection, that one damnable action, one I instantly wanted to will away. But I couldn’t. It was just there, staring me in the eyes, daring me with a “Fucking do something about it, punk. I’m not going away anymore.” Suddenly, I was prey again. It’s 10,000 BC and I either need to run, or die - and everything will do me in. My lungs can’t hold air anymore, my skin is peeling for me to just, run aw…

And then I feel a soft hand on my shoulder. Oh good god that’s right, Sarah is here… I so don’t want her to see me like this, but looking over at her bright eyes and safe smile is, almost therapeutic. “Liam, sweetie. Yes, you can do that. I had to fight for it, but no one was going to stop me once I knew what I wanted.” I can’t believe she was taking this so cool, I’m reacting just like those shitty kids she spent all afternoon tearing into. God above, she must be a saint. I need to pull myself together, before she realizes what an asshole I’m being…

I reach into my memory for those long-forgotten breathing exercises, run my hand over my chest, swallowing as much air as I can and hold it in ‘till my makeshift timing system has me breath it back out… Slowly, slowly… I can feel the panic creeping away, from the knife’s edge of a full blown attack all the way down to the lower recesses of my mind. I think I’m finally safe.

“Sarah… good god, I am so sorry about that. I haven’t had one of those in years, I have no idea why that would trigger there…”

“It’s ok, Liam. It was the same… uh, I, well. I understand what you might be thinking.” Ok, what. That is a curious reaction. She should be angry at me for fumbling this so bad, not, what was she going to say there? I’m not an idiot, I can tell when a person pivots away from a thought. “Hey, we’re friends now right? You’re here for me and I’m here for you!” And just like that, her soft smile is back and the world seems right again. “Come on, let’s get off this shit bench and finally get home. I think this is quite enough excitement all at once, I need to de~com~press. See you tomorrow?”

I don’t think I could have agreed with her more. I just don’t know how much decompression is going to happen at home…

CassieSandwich

Look at you with your mouth watering
Look at you with your mind spinnin'
Why don't we just admit it's all over

Hey y’all! I just wanna thank you for giving my work a read! I also want to give a big shout out to Morri (author of the very entertaining Thaw) for keeping me sane and at least somewhat focused on writing~

If you wanna follow me anywhere else, you can find me over at my twitter @Cassie_Sandwich where you'll find me just on my bullshit 24/7. 

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