And so, here I am. Sitting in my car, parked in front of the house.

I have no idea why I’m just sitting here. I just… I don’t want to go in the house yet, see my folks. I’m still too shaken by that panic attack. I don’t need them screaming at me for breaking down again.

So instead I sing along to a few songs off the radio, really scream them out, get my voice nice and hoarse. I need to get this excess energy out of my body. After about three songs I’m starting to feel less jittery, so when the car battery finally goes off I think it’s about as good a time as ever to finally pop the garage door and walk on in.

“Jesus Liam, hell took you so long? I was starting to get worried!” Welp, Ma certainly knew how to greet’cha. Looks like she was already starting dinner… jesus actually, scratch that. It’s almost five already - was I really out that late?

“Hey, sorry Ma. I was just, ya’know… I was studying with a friend of mine. I guess we lost track of time?”

“Joseph right? Still gallivanting around with him? I would have thought a sweet boy like you could have found better friends by now.” Jesus christ, and here we go with this again.

“First off, Joey is a great kid and you know that. And second, and I’m sure this’ll make you happy, it was a girl. There was a new kid in school today, I was helping her get acclimated.” And just like that, the air cooled back down and the tension seemed to have gone out - just like I expected.

“Oh, a girl then? Does this ‘girl’ have a name? Come on come on, tell me about her!” Yep, it really always comes down to this. I’m not sure who puts me on edge more - mom’s expectations, or dad’s constant putdowns…

“Well, her name’s Sarah. Somehow managed to sneak into classes a couple weeks late?” I pause, Ma just rolls her hands in a ‘go on’ motion. “Uhhhh, she’s, uh, fun to talk to? We, like, chatted for a long while at lunch and after school. She’s, like, uh. Pretty?” God above, why am I so terrible at this.

“God above you’ve got it bad, don’t you? Barely can talk about it, Mr. Macho! About time you actually found a woman to chase. All those years so insistent that you ‘didn’t need anyone’ or that you were ‘too young to date’. I swear, if you would have just gone out for sports like I kept suggesting you would have had to beat the ladies off you with a stick, with how you’re built!” I just sigh at… all that. She’s really laying it on thick today! It’s not like I chose to be the size of a brick shithouse and twice as tall. I really don’t have the energy to keep this conversation up…

“Hey Ma? I’m going to sneak off to my room. Just, call me down when dinner’s ready, ok?” I make sure to peel off before she can even respond. Hiking my backpack back up my shoulders and trucking past the room where my dad was sleeping, up to my little sanctuary. 

“So, how was your little lunch date? She’s smitten right? New girl took one look at that seedy little goatee and nebbish posture and though ‘oh I can’t not fuck him’! Do I finally get to take  you off the incel watchlist?” 

Joey was on the horn before I even got the door shut, already ribbing me over today’s activities. Hell, I’m still wearing my backpack for god’s sake. The fact that I even needed some comfort so badly from such a benign conversation shows just how shaken I am today, but god above do I need the distraction.

“God above, not you too. I get ma hounding me, but you’ve actually seen me go on dates before. Stop acting like a dip!” I’m not actually mad at him - I can tell the difference between a friendly rib from him and the demands my parents were pushing on me. Still, I wait for a conciliatory grunt outta him before going on. “And, uh. Yeah, Jesus! She’s amazing, Joey. Funny, sweet, pretty. I’m glad you fucked off at lunch actually, you were right on it just being us - but you absolutely shoulda stuck around. You’re gonna like her a lot, the two of you could have probably given barbs ‘till the cows came home.”

“Well shit man, she sounds like she’s right up your alley. Good for you! And hey, at least you can use this to get the Harpy and the Ogre off your back, right? Just actually let them in on what you’re up to for once?” Ouch Jo. I know this whole mess I’m in is my fault for hiding my dating life from them, but you don’t have to rub it in dude.

“That’s the thing though, you would think right? So I decided ‘fuck it, I’ll lean in and give some implications, maybe she’ll finally get off my back’. And Ma seemed excited about it, cha. But, you know. Not enough to actually stop digging at me over…”

“Oh, come off it already! It wasn’t like I had you split open up to my elbow or anything. Bitch acts like she walked into fuckin’ Gomorrah. It was a fuckin’ kiss, shit wouldn’t even be censored on the disney channel."

“God above, why did I have to do that in my room of all places? I just knew that shit would happen. If we were at a park or something…” It had to have been a good seven months ago when my parents caught us, and the two of them only just finally started easing up on me over it. And even if I’ve finally managed to convince them it was just a one time thing,  I don’t think they were ever going to trust Joey again - if they ever did in the first place. Once I went and brought it into their home, and especially after Joey took the rap as the instigator, suddenly the quiet part got really, really loud. We were nothing but hellspawn.

“How in the hell were you supposed to know it would happen? She hadn’t gone up those stairs in 10 years, and suddenly she wants to come check on us in person? Christ, I’m shocked she even managed to get up them in the first place!”

“You ever think what would happen if she didn’t? I mean… would we?”

“No, don’t go down that road. What, would you be sneaking me in and out in the dead of night? Besides dude, you kiss like a dead fish. Worse than Lindsey, and you know how she would chew on my lip like it was goddamned bubblegum! If I wanted holes punched through my mouth I’d have actually gotten those snakebites.” That at least got me to giggle. He’s right - he’s way too important of a friend to chance on a dumb fling like that. I don’t even think we would ever be each other’s type honestly - he was just close, and convenient, and safe to practice with. Who better than your bi best friend to show you the ropes and try boys on with?

And while (I think) that might be a yes on boys as a whole, I don’t know. Something still didn’t feel right about the whole thing. I just, I couldn’t feel anything past the same exact shame as when I dated Carla for a hot minute. The math adds up - and you don’t need to be a math whiz to see that the common denominator was me. Again, I couldn’t help but think...

“Hey Joey? Have you heard of… do you know…”

“Liam buddy, we’ve talked about this. You gotta lead one thought to the next, I can’t read your mind.”

“Right, uh, I agree with you first off. About us, it’d never work. You’re right about that. I was just, you know. Thinking about what if’s and coulda been’s. And I was thinking about, just, something I found out about today. Did you ever, uh, you know. Think about…”

“Jesus Liam, spit it out buddy.” Clearly a little agitated that I can’t wrestle my words on down to the ground.

“You know, if you could, like, what if you could change anything. If magic were real, and you had free reign on reality. What would you do?”

“You serious here? Fuckin’ ok Harry Potter, I dunno. Redistribute the wealth? Help the world? Get people to at least read a second book?”

“No, no dude, that’s not what I’m getting at! I get it, you don’t like the stupid wizard book. I mean about yourself. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be… different?”

"Different how? If I could make myself a pine tree like you? Maybe? I dunno man. I mean, I’m pretty happy with my face and with my life. Can’t change any of it right? Might as well love myself! I know you’ve talked about how you don’t like how tall you are, but trust me, you don’t know how much people love tall dudes."

“I mean, I do still wish I weren’t so damn tall, I really don’t like standing out as much as I do. Too many eyes on me. But, like, you wouldn’t change anything about yourself? Not even to try it out? I mean… aren’t you curious about stuff? Like...”

And my mom cuts me right off. “Liam! Come on down and eat!” Great fucking timing, as usual Ma.

“Sorry Joe, I gotta go. It was a dumb thought anyways.”

“Ok buddy, I’ll see ya later. And you know, I’m sure it wasn’t. You know I’m always here to talk.”

Of course I had to put it right back into my mind right before I had to interact with mom and dad, again. I slide into my seat and start poking at my dinner, no stomach for the slimy egg noodles at the moment. “Son! Kate tells me you had a little date this afternoon, huh? Let’s hear about her then!” Dad starting already huh? Ma must have bragged about it already when waking him up for dinner. Because he worked graveyard, the only time we got to talk on weekdays was during dinner. Unfortunately it was all just, putting more knots in my gut. 

“Uh, yeah. I saw this girl hanging out in class, and we ended up spending most of the day together? She seems really sweet actually, we really get along, ya’know?” I feel really dirty using Sarah as a “get outta jail free” card, especially since we just met. Doesn’t stop me from doing it though.

Dad guffaws and slaps me on the back at that. “Hey, I’m proud of you son! I always knew you’d find yourself a little lady! Your mother was ready to call it quits when she found you hog tied by that buddy of yours, but I knew you had it in you.”

“Yeah… guys, I’m actually not feeling great today - thanks for dinner mom but I think I’m going to go lay down. Sorry we didn’t talk much dad.” He sighs and shoos me off with his hand, and I get outta there before I sicked my stroganoff back onto the table.

When I get to my bed, my head is spinning. I need some kind of distraction from all that. I should probably just, like, surf my youtube subscriptions. Or watch a movie I have downloaded. Anything but keep harping on this shit in my head. Instead as soon as I’m on my bed, I’m on my phone, and on my bullshit again.

“It… can’t be that easy, can it?” Google had led me to a few… interesting places. One was a website that looked like it crawled out of the 90’s and died there. One was some quiz called the COGIERA - but after about fifty questions of “do you know math” and “do you know makeup” I felt like it might not have been the most... nuanced resource. Embarrassingly, it also brought up a webcomic I read as a child before I developed what connoisseurs called “taste”. Amateurish art of two boys and their secretly-a-witch friend, who somehow always managed to turn into three girls. And also horses sometimes. And trees. Girl trees. Girl trees who used to be boy… well boy humans. Humanoids. Why did no one mention this stuff on this site? “It’s just family friendly fun!”

Actually, I read a lot of comics like that as a kid. Boy enters a ‘haunted house’ with his friend and they get scienced into girls. Barbarian adventurer gets zapped by a lich and turned into an amazon. Boy gets chosen to be a Sailor Moon and becomes a girl when he does the transformation sequence. Boy builds a laser rifle in his basement that turns everyone into girls, and also magic and aliens. Boy gets turned into a girl by a dipshit angel and also the author really wants to fuck his ford.

I guess… I guess this is why they all did this, huh? Why didn’t any of them talk about it? Or mention why this was going on? A billion different projects all skirting around the issue and half winking at the audience and I just… what, think it’s “family friendly fun”? This must have been… people like Sarah must have been reading… Well. I mean, I did always wish I could have been a Sailor Moon too. Or a witch. But that was a power fantasy thing, right? Every kid grew up to want to have magic powers, or to be super strong, or to have everyone love them despite being so obviously broken. 

There was one more result though. A little form, with a little chatroom underneath it. I didn’t even know anyone in this world was still using IRC, but here was a little haven of it still floating around there. “Transgender Support Page”. Probably the most generic title available to them. And right at the top, saved above the first form, right underneath welcome, was a little quote. “Wanting to be a girl is the first symptom of being a girl. Congratulations, you are one.”

I need to talk to Sarah.

CassieSandwich

Something about the way you taste
Makes me wanna clear my throat
There's a message to your movements
That really gets my goat

Hey y’all! I just wanna thank you for giving my work a read! I also want to give a big shout out to Morri (author of the very entertaining Thaw) for keeping me sane and at least somewhat focused on writing~

If you wanna follow me anywhere else, you can find me over at my twitter @Cassie_Sandwich where you'll find me just on my bullshit 24/7. 

Thank you so much for reading, and I always crave that sweet sweet serotonin that comes with feedback, so feel free to comment below!