Ester was shaking from nerves even just sitting on the couch. It was Saturday. Saturday. Her date was tonight. Her first date ever as a girl.

“Hey, Ester…”

April had come downstairs and entered the room. Ester spared her a glance and grunted. She got a little closer.

“So, since you’re going through with this, I was wondering if you’d let me help you get ready,” she said slowly, “You know: makeup and hair and all that. It’s such an exciting experience, isn’t it? I want to be a part of my sister’s first date with a boy.”

Ester frowned and shook her head.

“No,” she said, “I think I’ve got it by now. I don’t need you to take care of me anymore.”

“But I want to help,” April said quietly.

Ester groaned and looked away. This was supposed to be her thing, and April was trying to take it away from her. But the thought stung Ester. April didn’t know what she was doing; she was really trying to be helpful.

“I’m sorry,” Ester said, “I just really want to do it on my own.”

April scowled, then her expression wavered. She closed her eyes, clearly trying to hold back tears. Ester opened her mouth to ask what was wrong and started to stand, but stopped halfway.

“What am I doing wrong, Ester?” April asked, tears streaming down her face, “I thought we were friends. Why are you trying so hard to avoid me?”

“That’s not…”

“Not what?” April demanded, stomping her foot.

“I’m sorry, okay?!” Ester cried, standing up, “I just want to be alone. It’s… it’s not you. I promise.”

“Then what could it possibly be?” April asked, “I knew it was a mistake to tell you how much I wanted a sister. I knew you’d think I was weird for wishing for one. But I didn’t think it would drive you away like this.”

“April, please… that’s not true,” Ester said.

“Tell me what is going on, then,” April replied, “Because I can’t see a better explanation.”

Ester opened her mouth, but after a few moments closed it again and glanced away.

“That’s what I thought,” April sobbed.

She turned around and headed back toward the stairs. Ester should have called for her to stop, or followed after her. But what was she supposed to say? So she let April go.

“I need to get ready,” she realized, glancing at the time.

Ester returned to her room where her dress and makeup set were laying out on the bed. Her stomach churned. Now she really did wish she had someone to walk her through this. Not because she didn’t have enough experience, just that it would have been nice to have someone help soothe her nerves.

“I should cancel,” she told herself. “No, I promised myself I’d take control of my life. That’s what this is. If it gets in the way of me being April’s sister, then she’ll just have to learn to live with it. I’m my own person from now on.”

She put her phone and wallet into the purse she’d been bought. After a moments’ consideration, she also slipped in the large pocketknife that Carla had given to her. Ester didn’t think she’d actually need it, but it would help her feel safer. After all, she didn’t know Phil well enough to rely on him to protect her.

The dress fit a little snugly, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Makeup had become routine, but Ester did put in a bit more effort than usual for the special occasion. A nice pair of earrings and she finally felt presentable.

“I’m ready,” she lied to the mirror.

Ester was glad that she hadn’t eaten anything, because her stomach was rolling over while she sat in the car. She curled up and rested her head against the window. Stephanie asked if she was alright, but Ester only grunted in reply.

“Ester,” she said, “If you don’t want to do this—”

“Please don’t try to talk me out of this,” Ester replied, more harshly than she meant to.

Stephanie obliged, and the rest of the ride was silent except for the radio. When they finally pulled up to the curb, Ester took a deep breath and wiped her sweaty hands off on her dress. Stephanie took her hand and squeezed it gently, flashing Ester a warm smile.

“If you need me, just call, okay?”

“I will… mom…” Ester mumbled, and opened the door.

She got out of the car and started walking up to the theater. Her chest hurt from the pounding of her heartbeat. Her breathing was unsteady, and Ester chuckled from nerves.

As she passed by the fountain, Ester stopped. She scowled and spat into the water. Then she stopped and sat down on the edge. Ester stared down at the coins sitting in the bottom, wondering if she could free herself by throwing a coin into the fountain herself.

“How many more nightmares?” she asked, “How much longer before I’m past the point of no return?”

She squeezed her legs together. Not all gone yet, but close. It was the last thing remaining.

Ester’s breath caught in her throat and she started to shake. She wasn’t going to have the courage to break this before it was too late. It was only now really sinking in that she was stuck like this.

“Um, hello?”

Ester shook her head and started wiping the tears from her face.

“Phil,” she said, standing up suddenly, “Um… hi.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Because—”

“I’m fine.”

Phil winced. Ester glanced away and bit her lip. She hadn’t meant to snap at him.

“Thank you for this,” she said, “Can we head inside now?”

“Of course,” Phil said, trying to smile, “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

Ester felt heat rising in her face.

“What are we seeing?” she asked.

“Oh, well, I thought since you used to be a guy, we could skip the boring rom-com and see a real movie instead.”

“Oh… okay, sure.”

They settled on an action movie taking place on a train. Phil got the tickets; Ester thought she saw the ticket girl’s gaze linger on her. Some parts of Ester were still kind of masculine. Did the ticket girl think Ester was trans?

“Aren’t I?” she wondered.

Phil also paid for the snacks. Ester probably went a little overboard.

“You’ve got more of an appetite than I thought,” he said, handing over a debit card to the cashier.

“I said I’d pay,” Ester reminded him.

“No, it’s okay,” Phil insisted, not smiling, “I guess the magic is helping you with your weight is all.”

Ester blinked in surprise, then bit her lip and let her shoulders sag. Maybe she had gotten too much. The magic might have been helping with her appearance, but it wouldn’t forever.

The theater wasn’t too full, so they had some space to themselves. Ester slouched down in the seat and put her feet up on the chair in front of her. She was careful to keep her legs crossed and her dress from sliding up her legs. Phil gave her a smirk before the lights went down.

It turned out that the movie wasn’t very long. Ester wasted no time in digging into her snacks, mostly to avoid focusing on the fact that there was a cute boy sitting next to her. What was she supposed to do?

“Come on, moron,” she chided herself, “Take his hand or something.”

Eventually, Ester let down her legs and scrunched up in her seat. Was she supposed to say something? Phil kept glancing at her, but he was quiet. Ester groaned a little.

She placed her hand on the hand rest, next to Phil’s. They were touching. Phil didn’t move his hand, and he must have known. Right? All she had to do was place her hand on his. Did he want that? Would that be weird?

Her hand was sweaty again.

“Come on, you coward,” she told herself.

She moved her hand and dropped it into her lap. There’d time later. Maybe. It was a short movie. But this was her first ever date. Should she go fast? Should she go slow? Her mind was reeling, and Ester squirmed in discomfort.

Why was she here? She wasn’t a real girl. Why did Phil bother with her? Maybe someone had put him up to it after all, and he’d just been too kind to let her down easy. She didn’t deserve someone as nice as him.

“The least I can do is try and make it a good night for him,” she thought.

When he glanced at her again, she smiled softly. He returned the smile and offered her the bag of popcorn. Ester took it in shaking hands and placed her arm back on the armrest next to his.

The movie was already half over. The actor on screen was lying face down in a pool of his own blood, barely breathing. He looked like he had no idea what to do. Ester could relate.

When the credits started to roll, Phil stood up and stretched. Ester collected the small collection of trash she’d made and struggled to hold onto all of it. There was no way that she’d be able to get it all to the trash can without it falling everywhere.

“Let me help,” Phil insisted, taking some from her without waiting for a response, “Did you like it?”

“It was fine,” she replied with a shrug, “Third act kind of fell apart.”

“Everyone’s a critic,” Phil told her, “You just gotta turn your brain off and enjoy the movie.”

“I’m just saying that it’s disappointing when the villains start acting stupid just so the hero gets to the end faster.”

“You can’t expect too much from an action movie,” Phil explained.

“If they want my money, I do,” Ester retorted with a smirk.

Phil just rolled his eyes and replied, “We’ve got some time before I need to head home. Are you hungry?”

“A little,” Ester lied, but her stomach was churning again. What were they supposed to talk about? She added, “I’ve got some extra cash. You don’t need to pay for me.”

“I’m the guy, I should pay.”

“That’s not how it works anymore,” Ester replied, giving him a playful shove, “You paid for the movie, I should pay for the meal.”

Phil threw his hands up in surrender.

There was a sub sandwich place next to the theater. Ester got a small sandwich while Phil went all out. It was late in the evening and the place was mostly empty.

“That dress looks good on you,” Phil said when they sat down.

Ester felt her face burn and mumbled, “Thanks.”

“It’s really hard to believe that you used to be a boy.”

“Yup.”

“I mean you’re actually really pretty, Ester. More than most girls.”

“I really don’t know what I’m doing,” Ester protested quietly.

“Maybe that’s a good thing. You’re not brainwashed by the media, so you understand natural beauty better.” He smirked. “Guys make better girls than most girls do.”

“Can we not get hung up on that?” Ester asked.

“It’s not that big a deal,” he insisted, “I don’t see why you need to get so worked up about it. I think it’s really cool, actually.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, how many guy get to hang around with pretty girls all the time? I bet you love the attention, too.”

“I’d rather people leave me alone.”

“Come on, you love it. You gotta know that guys think you’re hot, even if they’re too chickenshit to admit it.”

“I really don’t want to think about it.”

“It’s flattering,” Phil assured her.

“Not to me,” she told him.

“What girl doesn’t love attention?”

“I’m asexual, actually. I’d rather not think about people finding me hot at all.”

“Oh.”

Phil looked away and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I didn’t expect that,” he admitted, “I thought all girls like you liked sex.”

“Girls like me?”

“You know, girls who used to be guys.”

Ester squirmed. Her hand reached instinctively into her purse and brushed against the pocketknife. She pulled out her phone.

“Am I not good enough company?” Phil asked.

“No, it’s just… I need to tell my mom where I am now that the movie’s over.”

Instead she wrote, “Can you come pick me up? ASAP?”

Ester sat her phone down on the table and folded her hands.

“So what classes are you in?” she asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from her.

Phil shrugged and instead asked her, “How do you know you don’t want sex?”

“I know.”

“But how? If you’ve never tried it. You haven’t tried it, right? It’s only been a few weeks.”

Ester sighed.

“I used to be attracted to girls,” she said, “But now I’m not attracted to anyone.”

“Maybe you just need to try.”

Ester stuck her hand back into her purse, wrapping her fingers around the pocketknife. She told herself that she wasn’t going to need it. But it sure did make her feel safer. Silently, she thanked Carla for looking out for her.

She ate in silence for a bit. Phil watched her like a hawk, waiting for an opportunity to pelt her with more questions. Ester didn’t give him an opening.

Finally, after what felt like forever, her phone buzzed.

“I’m outside,” Stephanie had written.

“I’ve got to go,” she announced.

“Huh?”

“Yeah, my mom’s here to pick me up. She needs me at home.”

“Oh.” Phil scowled. “I thought this was supposed to be a date.”

“It was,” Ester insisted, standing up, “And I had a… great time. Really. But I have to go. We should do this again.”

Like Hell.

Phil snorted and replied, “I just don’t understand why you agreed to go out if you were just going to ditch.”

“I’m sorry,” she lied, standing up, “I want to stay. But I can’t disappoint my mom.”

“She’s not even your real mom,” Phil retorted.

But Ester had spun around and started walking away, leaving her meal half-eaten on the table. Her hand was still in her purse, the knife in her fingers, but Phil didn’t stand up to follow her. Once she was outside, Ester let out a sigh of relief and started gasping for air.

She ran to the car at the curb and slid into the passenger seat.

“Please just drive,” she begged Stephanie.

Stephanie obliged. She didn’t say anything to Ester, but did place a hand on her shoulder and squeezed softly. Ester curled up into a ball and tried not to cry.

On the way home, Stephanie pulled into an empty parking lot and parked. She undid her seatbelt and leaned close to Ester, pulling her into a hug. Ester choked and started to sob.