Dani brought the water bottle to her lips, ready to wash down another pair of pills. But first, a knock came from her door.
Fuck! Dani gagged, almost choking on the two tablets she had yet to swallow.
“Danny? You in there?” It was Ryan.
Dani quickly took in a mouthful of water, gulped, and let out a large sigh. “Um, yeah, one sec’.” She tucked her pill bottles into her desk drawer, careful not to make too much noise. With a quick glance in her mirror to make sure nothing was amiss, she answered the door.
As expected, Ryan was there. Dani looked up at him, which she always had to do if she wanted to meet his eyes. Wow, his eyes are super...pretty. Have they always looked like this? Ah, I’m doing it again! She shook her head and put on a smile. “What’s goin’ on?” She asked.
Ryan was standing with his hand on the back of his neck. He was looking rather unsure about what he was going to say, but Dani could only stare at his well-built arms as she waited for him to answer.
Maybe I should see if he wants a gym buddy...Just so I can get in shape, of course!
Ryan finally spoke. “Yeah, I just was seeing if you wanted to play video games again. With me. Online players are being annoying again.”
“Sure! But I have to leave for work in a couple hours, so I can’t play all day this time.” Dani said.
“Right, yeah, just a few is fine. Just need to get revenge for last time!” The two laughed.
Dani caught herself about to twirl her hair, and jerked her arm down before it was noticeable. “Well let’s get started, then!” She gestured to the living room, and followed Ryan to the couch.
Dani settled into the couch, leaving a foot of space between her and Ryan. After booting up the game and playing a couple rounds, she looked over to see Ryan staring at her.
“Is something up? Wondering what my secret to beating you is?” She said, smiling to make sure it wasn’t taken the wrong way.
“No, not that. It’s just...Danny, you know you’re a cool guy to hang out with, right?”
Well, I’m pretty cool, but not sure about the whole ‘guy’ thing… Dani thought as she twisted her mouth. “Uh-huh?”
“And I’m kinda just curious about something.” Ryan said. His hand started rubbing the back of his neck again.
“Okay?” Dani squinted her eyes. Normally I can predict what he’ll say, but what the fuck is he getting at?
“Do you really not want to date anyone?” Ryan asked her.
Oh. Not what I was expecting, but nothing I haven’t been asked before. Dani collected herself before responding, “Yeah. Well, maybe.” Oh god, do I tell him? No. Obviously not. She battled with her thoughts for a few moments, before realizing she had left Ryan hanging.
“Hey,” Ryan put up his hands, “if it’s not something you want to talk about, I get it.” Ryan stood up and walked toward the kitchen. “I’ll grab us some beers and we’ll just keep playing. Sorry for intruding.” He returned to the couch, offering Dani one of the bottles he was holding.
I wish you understood how badly I want to tell someone. Dani smiled as she accepted the drink.
***
Simon’s phone buzzed. Again. He had lost track of the exact number, but this was over the dozenth time that Rachel had texted him today.
How on earth is she still finding stuff to tell me?! Simon thought as he reached to check his girlfriend’s message. I’m going to have to tell her this isn’t okay. Not when I’m at work. Simon knew he would never actually confront Rachel about it, but he still told himself the lie.
He read the message, “can’t wait for tonight!!” Then, he read it once more. Wait, he thought, did we make plans? He racked his brain, thinking of every conversation they had over the past week. Oh, right. It’s been a month of dating.
Simon had yet to sleep with Rachel, much to Rachel’s dismay, as he claimed that he was waiting to, “make sure that they actually had chemistry,” first. The arbitrary deadline he gave her was a month. Unfortunately for him, that was when he assumed they would go on a date or two and split. Every moment that passed, however, Rachel got more power in their relationship. More of a hold on Simon. And Simon knew it wasn’t malicious. She had even complained to him that he seemed disinterested on their dates, and would never make any decisions without an initial prompting from her.
Simon also knew, though, that his future with Rachel couldn’t work. His lackadaisical attitude would drive her away sooner or later, and he could go back to his bachelor life.
He could also go back to supporting his friend. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. Simon thought of Danny. Should I even say ‘he’ anymore? I guess I’ll just wait and ask him.
He closed his texts with Rachel, and pulled up an old photo of him and Danny. And I can’t believe I haven’t noticed it myself. He looks so different, now! Well, not really. He still dresses in hoodies and jeans, and his hair was always long, and he never had much facial hair. But something has changed. Something subtle. And now I know what it is.
After Simon found the pill bottles in the bathroom last week, he spent the whole day at work debating if he should look up what they did. Of course, he cracked. The curiosity was too much to bear. “If my best friend’s life is in danger, I need to know,” is how he justified it to himself. And, after a quick internet search, Simon realized his best friend was transitioning.
In truth, Simon’s initial reaction was relief. His friend wasn’t dying, at least not any faster than normal, and it explained some of the strange behavior that he had grown concerned over. That must be why he refused to take his shirt off all summer… And it also explains why he kept his legs shaved despite never going swimming. Simon pieced everything together rather quickly, but his mind kept wandering. I’ve only ever been supportive of the entire LGBT community! Did he seriously think I would get mad? Christ, I can’t believe he thinks so little of me! And these thoughts were still with him today, a few days after his discovery.
So instead, Simon focused on getting home. He started his car, and tried to keep his thoughts under control, but to no avail. If he doesn’t come clean this weekend, I’ll say something. Yeah, that’s fair. I mean, I’m sure he will be open about it. He was probably about to open up the other day, before I interrupted him. Okay, yeah, things will be fine. Things will work out.
I’ve only ever been supportive of the entire LGBT community! Did he seriously think I would get mad?
If he doesn’t come clean this weekend, I’ll say something. Yeah, that’s fair. I mean, I’m sure he will be open about it. He was probably about to open up the other day, before I interrupted him. Okay, yeah, things will be fine. Things will work out.
No, bad Simon! This sort of attitude is absolutely hurtful to trans people. Like, sure, you might *say* you're supportive, but there is an absolutely huge difference between you acting supportive in a passive way and you actually being supportive of a friend. Heck, for that matter, even a well intentioned ally can hurt you if they have their own ideas about what support actually looks like. Coming out is a super scary thing and pushing someone to do so before they're ready is major no bueno.
TL;DR - stop making transitioning a big deal, you only make "coming out" that much more stressful. It doesn't hurt anyone, and it only makes the person in question happier (technically this part is a big deal, but you probably know what I mean).
Right so this is a super long reply I'm about to make, so let me clear up that I don't know whether Simon will in future chapters turn out to not actually be supportive of Dani, or anything like that really. I am solely speaking about the situation that has been observed so far. That being someone (Simon) finding out that who they thought is their best friend is/was hiding something from them, and being worried about them. That is all, since at the moment we don't have much reason to lean toward any particular motivation for this, outside of just worry for a friend.
This isn't coming just from me, but also from most LGBTQ+ people I've talked to, many my dear friends. Do NOT treat them like some snowflakes. Yes, no longer hiding what you really are of fear of getting hurt is a very stressful thing, very scary. And many have been hurt many times by family, friends (or at least assumed friends), or even just random people, by trying to be honest.
However, they are still people. When a friend wants the best for their trans friend, they want to help them! If they don't know how to help, tell them! They're your friend for crying out loud! Best friends especially worry about this, heck I've done so many a time myself. Worrying if the people I hold dear to me don't trust me, if I am untrustworthy, if I am actually a douchebag. Of course, both trans people in this particular situation, or anyone really in any situation where they're hiding something, don't do it out of "malice". They're just afraid to be hurt, which is completely understandable.
However friends are still friends. They blame themselves, they worry they did something wrong, they worry they aren't good enough. It might be a baseless worry, however since from their side all they see is someone dear to them hurting yet not sharing what is happening, or even distancing themselves, it's hard to come to another conclusion.
I could continue explaining, but since I'm basically just saying the same thing over and over again, I'll just give one actual example of this from my life. Someone I know, a friend, was becoming more and more distant. At least that is what it appeared as from my perspective. They talked less, seemed more afraid (not the most appropriate word, but I don't remember a better english translation for it right now), just generally gave off the vibe that they were feeling down.
One day, after weeks of worrying, I flat out told them that. I begged them, to please, please tell me if they are doing okay, if I've offended them, if they are having trouble. Told them no matter what it is, whether it is addiction, depression, family trouble, anything at all, I am there to help. If I couldn't directly, whether it is by giving money or advice or anything else needed, I would at least be there for them.
After a good bit of crying, they decided to tell me. They said they didn't feel like a (), that they're afraid, everything. In the end, I myself started crying. Why? Because, I was so happy that was all there is to it. Told them they had me worried something else was going on, that they'd gotten into trouble, whatever. No, they were "just" accepting the fact that they are trans.
"So what if you're not a (), for crying out loud, you're still my friend! What's that got to do with anything?! You know how worried you had me!?"
I think I said something along the lines of "I feel about this the same way as though you're just going to stop ordering vanilla icecream and get lemon instead. So what? Doesn't hurt me (or anyone else really) in any way, in fact it can only make me glad since a friend is gonna be happier at no-one else's expense."
Simon's also really being an asshole to Rachel by agreeing to date her, then just passive-aggressively waiting for her to dump him, rather than admit he's not interested.
Sadly, that's probably what Simon's trying to avoid.
If you personally tend towards avoidance as your primary conflict resolution strategy (or were raised in a culture that encourages this), unintentionally being the asshole is a real danger
there is always a Simon, like seriously, dude, don't.
Yah, I had friends like Simon, they acted all ok I was Trans, then a few years later they are all Trump is good.
thank you for the chapter!! i really love this story.
So happy to know you're enjoying it! Seeing comments like this has me excited to keep writing more!