“Absolutely not,” Misty interjects. She turns around to glare at her husband. “Don't just give up your kingdom like that! Put up a fight, you coward!”

“But I don't even want it! It's a pain in the ass!” argues the [Mountain Bandit King]. “If he wants the stress from ruling this, then he can take it!” he points at Bone for emphasis.

Misty puts her foot down and her hands go to her hips, her aura losing its sting as she glares at her husband. “And what about our daughter? She’s a [Death Princess] now. She’ll lose the class if you give up your kingdom.”

“Mom! I’m right here.” Fiona calls out.

“Hush dear,” Misty quiets her, “this is for your own good.”

She returns to glaring at her husband.

Fiona sighs and shakes her head.

Cirdel grunts, not quite sure what is happening. Granted, he knew that Raul didn't like the leadership, even though he is really good at it, but giving up a kingdom because someone asked is rather… Well, he really doesn't understand.

His eyes shift to the masked man. The man looks to Cirdel. He points at the now arguing couple. Cirdel shrugs. The masked man seems to sigh and shake his head. To Cirdel, Bone looks very disappointed.

“Do you even know if he can even take your place?” Misty asks, the arguing continuing unabated. “He’d have to have a [Noble] class at the very least.”

“Maybe? I don't know. He wouldn't be asking for the kingdom if he didn’t have the class for it.”

Misty growls and turns around to glare at the increasingly disappointed and confused masked man.

“Do you have the [Noble] class?” she asks forcefully and quite aggressively.

“I have a [King] class,” Bone calmly answers.

“Even better!” Raul exclaims, “I have an experienced replacement!”

Misty’s growls morph into rage induced screams, her chains barely even hovering the air now as she focuses more on verbal combat. “I don’t fucking care about the stupid kingdom! I want my daughter to be a [Queen] and she can’t do that if you aren’t the fucking [King].

Raul rolls his eyes. “If that's all you want, then just have her marry him,” he points at Bone, who looks, in a word, crushed. His shoulders are slumped, and eyes are on the ground. He looks almost like a child whose puppy died.

Misty opens her mouth to say something and pauses. She looks at Bone inquisitively, then she glances at her blushing daughter.

Misty smiles.

 

______________________________________________________

 

I consider this woman’s words. She had a fair argument. If I want these people to accept me as their [King], I should try to show appreciation for the culture.

“No,” I decide.

“It’s the traditional garb for the groom.” the woman attempts to persuade me, her twitching lips threatening to break into a smile.

Yeah, no. That thing is not a groom’s anything. I’m not wearing a thong to my wedding. I have standards, low as they might be.

I raise a hand to my chin.

At least, not without pants over it.

“No.”

She sighs and turns to exit the tent with the skimpy leather outfit.

“No,” I tell her again, “leave the outfit.”

She looks back, smiles devilishly, and tosses it to me before leaving.

I catch the clothes and drop them to the ground. My shadow stretches out to swallow what I assume must be an important quest item. I’ll find some use for it later.

Now, without the distraction, I sigh.

Fucking bandits, they can’t do anything right! Just be evil! It’s not hard! I’ve done it thousands of times! Why is it, when I really, really need me some cannon-fodder to roll over, they have to have interesting personalities and not immediately kill themselves by trying to attack me!?

I sigh, again.

One more time! If something like this happens one more fucking time-

The tent flap is brushed aside. “Bo- Quasi?” Cirdel calls to me. “The ceremony’s starting.”

I inhale. “Yes. Alright. Coming.”

Marriage. I’ve been to, and been the groom of many weddings. This one, among the many I’ve been a part of, isn’t all that strange.

Still, I doubt I’ll be enjoying it much.

Stepping out from the tent, I step onto a stone path maybe four feet across, raised a foot or two above the ground by one of the [Bandit]s’ [Earth Mages]. A throng of men and women stand on either side, watching in silence or whispering amongst themselves.

At the end of this long, long path, I see a stone arch, underneath which Fiona waits for me in a gray dress. Her father stands beside her, in black robes, cheerfully waiting for me to walk over and rid him of all his kingly troubles.

I’m forgetting something. Did I mess up the ceremony already? No, I’m still in the clear. Hmmm…

As I mull it over, I begin the walk toward my bride. A somber tune played on wooden flutes fills the air.

Now, all of this would have been fine, if it wasn’t the damn shit everywhere.

So, let’s say you’re a bunch of isolated bandit clans living in the mountains. The only supplies you have are what you can hunt, scavenge, or steal. This means that celebrations can have some pretty sparse supplies, most of the time. So, what do you use to make everything fancy looking?

Shit. They used the glowing green shit. These fucking geniuses spread poop over everything to make it look bright and colorful. They put it on every surface, making fancy artwork out of green manure.

And making lovely fecal designs all down the pathway I need to walk? Yeah, fuck these guys.

The worst part of it all is the smell.

Finally reaching the altar, I perform the actions I was briefed on shortly before we began this shitshow. A bow to the bride, a bow to her father where I extend my hand, and then he-

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Misty calls out from behind me.

I pause and turn around. I look down at her from where she’s standing at the front of the crowd. “No?” I half ask. “I do the bows, he grabs my hand, gives his blessing, I do the-”

“You forgot the dowry.” She says, glaring at me.

“You…” I inhale. “You wanted me to marry her.” I point at Fiona. “This is something you asked me to do. If anyone’s getting a dowry here, it should be me.”

Raul coughs. “It's tradition for the groom to offer the bride’s family the dowry.”

I look at him and raise an eyebrow. “I thought you would want this to be over quickly. Why are you slowing this down with a dowry?”

He shrugs. “Here’s some wise advice from your father-in-law: If you want to stay happy, keep your wife happy.”

“Dowry!” Melissa shouts.

Never. Never have I liked any of my mother-in-laws. Tradition continues.

I grumble. “Fine, whatever.”

Beneath me, my shadow turns purple. Reaching down, I yank out an enchanted warhammer and toss it to the greedy tyrant.

“Happy now?” I ask.

She catches the weapon and examines it before offering me a nod.

Getting back to the ceremony, I give the bows again. Raul takes my hand and begins a sermon of some kind. I’m not really paying attention, keeping Fiona in my sight. She’s doing her best to hide it, but she’s extremely nervous.

“First time?” I whisper to her. She jolts and looks over at me, all while trying to keep her fraying composure. I chuckle.

“Don’t worry about it.” I say. “You’re getting a stronger class, I’m getting a young kingdom, and then we’re all going to have a big party. Nothing to it.”

Fiona nods and regathers herself. Her eyes focus forwards. As she does so, her father finishes his speech to begin the next section.

“And now, as is tradition, the two will bond over blood.” Raul reaches within his robe and pulls out a curved knife. He hands it to Fiona.

“It is by blood that we are made family, and it is by blood that you shall as well.”

From the crowd, one of those deer monsters is led forward and up to us.

“For family must fight together, flee together… and kill together.”

‘This is rather extensive for a kingdom barely a year old.’

Fiona takes my hand and puts the dagger’s grip in my palm. She holds on tightly to my hand so that we hold it together.

“And so, with their first shared kill of many to come, may the two be made family.”

I reach up, and in a smooth motion, slit the throat of the beast. It lets out a choked noise before collapsing to the ground.

Ritualistic sacrifice is so… just, not good. It’s usually pretty damn messy. At least I avoided getting the blood all over my shoes this time.

“And now,” Raul continues, “Fiona Deadstone and Quasi Eludo have tied their lives together! I pronounce you two husband and wife, as well as [King] and [Queen]!”

I turn to face Fiona with a smile. She smiles back, blushing slightly. She leans forward, as though to kiss me.

I grab her, and with a short “Eep!” from her, sweep her into a long and low kiss.

And now, with this out of the way, I can finally get some proper-

“Ah fuck.” I pull away from the kiss. Finally, I remember.

I left the kids in the car.

I take in the sight of my beautiful, heavily blushing wife.

Eh, I’ll pick them up later.

 

______________________________________________________

 

Jessica flips a page in her book, her eyes roaming the paragraphs. The book ‘Biological functions as it pertains to mana’ is a rather dry but fascinating read. Quasi had given her the book when he found it in Mimir’s library, alongside various other books on biology, and she appreciates the knowledge every day. The book describes how mana can facilitate cell reproduction and supply almost all of the energy required to do so.

She flips the page again, ignoring the sound of Abernick’s tapping feet.

The [Grand Necromancer] sighs. “It's been eight hours since he left. I know he told us to wait here and to ignore what happens outside, but shouldn't we at least check? Maybe something happened to him?”

Jessica shifts her eyes away from the book. “Bone is fine. He’s not one to die.”

“Then why is he taking so long?” he asks.

Jessica pouts, but the question is reasonable. If Bone needed to do something, eight hours is a bit of a long time.

“I’m… not sure.”

“Maybe he forgot about us?” says Deflon, breaking his usual silence.

Abernick snorts. “I dont think he’s that incompetent, right?”

Jessica opens her mouth to agree… then pauses.

“Right?” Abernick asks again, worried.

Jessica swallows a lump on her throat. “It’s… um, possible.”

The [Grand Necromancer] groans and shakes his head. He rubs his temples. “If he did forget about us, how long until he remembers? A day? Two?”

“Not too long,” Jessica replies, “it shouldn't take more than a week for him to remember us.”

Abernick slumps. A week of waiting in a carriage, in the middle of the mountains, surrounded by undead that aren’t even his. He’s not sure if he should laugh and cry.

Thankfully, a break in the monotony can be heard. Footsteps crunch upon the loose stones outside the carriage. The three inside go silent as someone approaches the door. They knock twice and wait.

The three share a look. Jessica prepares her mana as she leans towards the door. She opens it, revealing a bearded, rugged man covered in leather that matches the color of nearby stone.

Cirdel swallows as three pairs of eyes stare at him. He clears his throat and slowly reaches into his bag. He grabs a scroll. They watch him unfurl the thing.

“Jessica, Abernick, and Deflon are formally invited to congratulate [King] Quasi Eludo and [Queen] Fiona Deadstone on their recent marriage.”

Jessica opens her mouth in shock. “M-m-marriage?”

 

______________________________________________________________

 

“Eight hours! He was gone for eight damn hours. How does he marry a [Princess] in eight hours?” Abernick asks Jessica, who looks just as lost as he is.

“Was this all planned? Did he plan this? Is this some sick joke?”

The [Prince] continues griping as he follows the almost mechanical movements of Cirdel. His mind is still reeling from the news. Jessica is in shock. And Deflon… well, he looks like his usual self. He grunts. Just another day he takes in stride.

“Oi, Cirdel, right?”

Cirdel looks back. “Yes?”

“Was this all planned? Had he talked to you already? Is this just a prank?”

To Abernick’s confused horror, Cirdel shakes his head. “No, at least I don't believe so. The decision to marry off [Princess] Fiona was decided within five minutes of your friend meeting the [King].”

Even Cirdel finds the whole thing insane as he sighs. “It took a half hour to gather everyone for the ceremony, and then it was done.”

Abernick rubs his temples to soothe his steadily growing migraine.

Then, like all those who have ever dealt with Quasi, he sighs and gives up.

 

____________________________________________________________

Jessica arrives at the party, her nose twitching from the smell of concentrated alcohol in the air. Men and women are talking, yelling, and laughing in large groups. Several barrels of beer have been popped open and everyone is serving themselves. In its drunken state, the crowd doesn’t give a second glance to the odd group as they weave through the party-goers. Making their way through the throng, they finally spot a rough wooden table where Quasi sits, feet up, without mask or hat.

“Eyyy, guys,” he calls with a wave as he sees them arrive. “Come, sit! Join the party! I got a wife!”

Jessica, having been with Quasi for over two years, just shakes her head and sits down. The others follow in turn, grabbing one of the available chairs.

“You left and got married?” Jessica asks, annoyed.

Quasi grins. “All according to plan. Definitely. I thought you would be happy that I decided to bloodlessly conquer the kingdom, using only my charm and body literally chiseled by the gods.”

Jessica removes her mask and places it on the table. Then she glares at Quasi, making sure he fully knows that she is upset with him.

On Quasi’s left is a tall, clean-shaven man in semi-regal robes. On his right is a short woman who stares at a detailed map on the table. She ignores the new arrivals, merely pointing at a location on the map. “Your plan would almost definitely work. Neither Crusix nor Kuwidal would expect such an attack, but if we attack one, then the other will come prepared. It would be simple for a [Geomancer] to cast [Earthquake] and destroy the [Corrosive Boneworms] with ease.”

Quasi nods thoughtfully, his eyes shifting from Jessica, back down to the map. “Mmm, are you sure that an [Earthquake] spell is that strong?”

“Yes, it’s the main reason why nobody attempts to tunnel below. Anything but a dungeon would be able to withstand the spell.”

“What are you talking about?” Abernick interrupts.

Quasi takes a swig of a beverage near him. His face scrunches up and he almost gags. “Eugh, fuck, that is rancid. Get that out of here!” He looks at Abernick. “We’re preparing for what always comes after a good political marriage: War!”

Jessica sighs and shakes her head. She looks at the man beside Quasi.

The man takes a moment to nod to the newcomers. “A pleasure to meet you three. I am Raul Deadstone, former [Mountain Bandit King],” he smiles, “and now [Mountain Bandit Duke] under Quasi Eludo.”

Abernick nods, feeling somewhat of a kindred spirit with the man. “I’m Abernick, a [Prince] apparently in service to Quasi.”

“Deflon. [Rune Smith].”

Jessica stops glaring at Quasi, finding him completely oblivious of her expression. She does a sitting bow to Raul, “I am Jessica, a,” she pauses, still a bit miffed about everything Quasi has done, “[Abess] to the Goddess Eir.”

Raul’s eyes widen. “An [Abess]? To Eir? That’s… impressive. I was under the impression that the goddess lacked powerful followers,” he then glances at Quasi, “and that an [Abess] loyal to Eir would never be caught dead next to a [Necromancer].”

“On the contrary,” Abernick interrupts, “the followers of Eir do not shy away from dark classes unlike so many Aesir gods. Eir is one of the very few that would heal anyone, regardless of their class. Eir’s churches are actually one of the very few locations that [Thieves] would never steal from.”

“Any town that has a thieves’ guild will always protect Eir’s churches. Many a [Noble] have become [Beggars] after assaulting one of the church's followers,” Deflon adds.

“I’ve never heard of that before.” Jessica exclaims with a frown. “Nobody ever came to defend my church or any of the [Priestesses].”

“You were in the far south where most people are poor. A thieves’ guild only sprouts when there is coin to be made.” Deflon explains.

“Interesting,” ponders Raul, “It seems I need to give a lot more respect to Eir than I do the other gods.”

“I agree with that,” Abernick begins, ”Eir is probably the only truly benevolent goddess you can find. Every other god has some form of agenda.”

“Mistress Eir just wishes to heal those in need. She would never, ever wish for harm to others.” Jessica exclaims, a smile blooming as her eyes seem to sparkle. Hearing her goddess praised has raised her mood.

Almost enough to forget that Quasi just got married.

Her mood instantly sours upon remembering. “Why did you let your daughter marry that idiot,” she points at Quasi, “minutes after meeting him?”

Raul frowns. He raises his hand and scratches the side of his neck. “Well, I thought I could give up my [King] class, but my wife doesn’t want my daughter to lose her [Princess] class. So, we decided on a quick political marriage where he gets my kingdom, my daughter obtains the [Queen] class, and I no longer have to lead [Bandits].

“But you’re a [Mountain Bandit Duke]. That means you rule a city's worth of people.” Abernick counters.

Raul grunts, which sounds more like a dejected moan. “Yes. When I lost my [King] class, I wasn’t demoted down to a [Lord]. I still have to rule this shitty kingdom. I can’t seem to escape.“

Jessica folds her arms. “So you sold out your daughter to try and give up a kingdom, but you failed and you still have control of your kingdom,” Jessica squints, “Actually, where is your daughter? I don’t see her.”

Raul swallows, his face flushing red. “She is resting. Um,” his face turns a redder shade, “My new son-in-law was very, ah…” he grimaces, “thorough.”

An acceptable reaction of a father when you consider the fact echoes spread far in these caves.