DerbyGhost

Oh hey a second chapter in the same night. Turns out there wasn't much that I wanted to change or edit about this one. So sit back and enjoy.

I almost fell off my chair as soon as Elle walked into Sweet Tooth. I stumbled a little bit making my way over to her, and I swear I’ve only had one mixed drink. This wasn’t like the drunk fuzziness that I’m used to. I could see Zoey looking at me with concern over at the bar so I just flashed her a toothy grin and a quick thumbs up. There we go, nobody ever thinks anything is going wrong after a thumbs up. It’s perfect, the perfect human sign designed by geniuses and gods to make everyone feel great.

“Heyyyyy you!” I quickly sidled up to Elle and looped my arm through the crook of her elbow.

“Hey Elle, I absolutely totally need to go to the bathroom and I would be honored and pleased to have you as my company.” My arm did a little swirly salute like I was part of some royal company trying to gain the favor of a cruel and unusual dictator.

“You what?” She had this amused look on her face, little did she know what she had just walked into. My mind was on fire with thoughts about everything that happened this evening, but God I couldn’t just talk to her at the bar. Zoey’s at the bar. That’s like, right there in danger territory. No way, no how.

Not that I would mind if Zoey heard us talking about it. Honestly that would be kind of hot. I would talk in intricate detail about our kiss and Elle would be all ‘oh my god you little slut you’ve been a girl for one day’ and I would flomp around all over the place and say something like ‘shuuuush nuh uh stoooop it.’ And then Zoey would just look at me with that gleam in her eye and what could I do but swoop in a place a beautiful kiss on her soft gentle lips while I oh my God I am feeling a-ma-zing right now.

“This is what girls do? Right? Grab their BFF’s and take a jaunt to the bathroom together so they can talk about their mistakes and bond over their shared love of each other and also relieve their bladders? Tell me tv hasn’t lied to me. Television raised me, Elle, I don’t have real parents anymore. Please do not crush my dreams.”

“Andi do you have many female friends? We don’t talk about going to the bathroom in the bathroom, that’s just like. . . incidental to the bathroom itself.” 

“YES! TV is a friend right. No I totally had tons of female friends in like. . . high school. I just wasn’t the female friend but gosh I’m trying and I also really do have to pee really badly please please can you come with me I’m going to die and I’ve been so nervous.” I did a little pee dance to show her how serious my bladder really was. I had gone to the bathroom at home before but there was something a little taboo about going into the women’s restroom in public. That was a space I didn’t necessarily feel comfortable exploring on my own. I made sure to make my voice extra pathetic. “C’mooooooon Elle. Peeeee with meeeeee.”

“I’m going to need you to stop so much. Just like. . . I don’t know if I can handle drunk Andi.”

“I’m not drunk. I’m just drinky. That’s like. Baby drunk. Drunk who hasn’t graduated from college yet because it keeps switching degrees and it’s aimless in life. Y’know. Drinky! Pee with meeeeeeeeee.”

“Andi. I swear to God.”

“PEEEEE. WIIIIITH. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

“Andi we are going to go to the bathroom, and I am going to steal all of your toilet paper and you are going to quickly realize how much you need that toilet paper now and you will be absolutely crushed. You aren’t going to be able to handle how uncomfortable that will be, and I will tell you it’s because of what an absolute nightmare you are when you’re tipsy.” Again, not tipsy at all. Just happily drinky, I don’t know why the concept was so hard to understand. It wasn’t like advanced gender studies or something.

I started fake sniffing. “You wouldn’t. . . do that to me. I’m girl. That’s rude. Girls aren’t rude. Female solidarity. Take down the patriarchy. Establish a fair and loving matriarchy intent on destroying gender roles. Then we get to form this beautiful wlw socialist commune that will destroy capitalism forever! Y’know. Just girly things.” I let out a quick giggle. A giggle? Sure, why not, in for a penny in for a pound. This is the typical trans girl experience right, embracing all the girl things that I denied myself.

Elle barked out a laugh “Andi I swear to God you have no idea what girls are like huh. Haven’t you ever seen the documentary Mean Girls?”

“No. I just saw so many gifs on tumblr I just kind of pretended I saw it because I thought I was going to be made fun of.” That was a girl thing and I wasn’t allowed to watch that. My parents didn’t like me- nope. No parents thoughts today, just basking in the beautiful semi-spinny of the room.

“Holy shit you haven’t seen Mean Girls? What kind of millennial are you?”

“One that’s destroying all the industries! I’m an avocado toast eating fiend nom nom nom oh no there goes my chance at ever owning a house. Nom nom nom oh look student loans. Nom nom nom Applebees on noooo. The climate is burning down all around us, but hey, at least our economy is gooooing strong!”

Elle firmly grabbed my shoulders and steered me over towards the women’s room. The bathroom door had a sleek modern design, but it was plastered with old magazine cutouts of ladies. There was more than one saucy cheesecake illustration of a bombshell babe showing off her gams. Wowie Zowie no wonder we won the war ladies. Elle shook her head and opened the door. “Alright you. Enough of that. Get in here before you start reenacting the plot of the Big Short.”

She walked right on into the Women’s restroom like it wasn’t really a thing. I stayed out there for a moment, waiting at the precipice. I wanted to go in because holy shit that mixed drink definitely went through me. But also, I knew that this was like. . . a thing. 

People don’t think too much about the bathroom, it’s where you do your business. But for me it represented another step. I had already embraced being trans, tentatively. But taking the step into the girl’s room felt like checking off a big box on the “Yes I really am a girl” list. And dammit it was a necessity. I don’t know why I was hesitating so much. The dark wood of the door was much heavier than I had estimated and eventually I pushed my way into the room.

I made a little mental inventory in my head. Business first. I went into the stall and checked to make sure that Elle wasn’t good on her threat to steal my toilet paper. Seeing the full roll, I decided that she probably made up her mind to show me mercy. I sat down and went about my business. While I was reaching for some toilet paper I heard Elle from the next stall over say “Alright so what’s up? What’s so important that you had to drag me away from the bar to talk about?”

Is this legal? 

Is this a thing? 

Do we just talk in the stalls now like some kind of anarchist commune? There are LAWS and CODES of bathroom usage. You can’t just throw them all away. This would be like talking to someone on the phone at the urinal. Sure you could do it, but the stain of your actions would forever hang on your head. 

But maybe there were different laws and codes for women’s spaces? There more I thought I understood the more I realized I knew nothing and just guessed my way through life. God she’s waiting on a response. So I might as well drag myself into degeneracy as well. Sober up Andi. Try to form some complete sentences. You've got this.

“Umm so a lot of things have happened tonight. Most importantly, I’m transgender!” good girl. See talking like a normal human being isn't that hard.

“Oh my God congratulations! I wanna give you a hug right now, but let’s wash our hands first. How do you know?”

“I don’t!” I announced with probably more glee than I should have had. “but it feels right, like it’s the closest label that can really fit me. I think if Parker never cast that spell on me I would have just kept living my life as. . .” My words turned sour in my mouth. I couldn’t really bring myself to say my full older name. “uh that guy. Y’know. The one that sucked. But now that I’m a girl I realize that I’m more comfortable now than I have ever been in my entire life.”

“Fuck yeah, good for you.” I could hear Elle’s stall opening. I wiped and bounced my way back into my tight pair of jeans, making sure to flush the toilet on the way out. 

Standing up I noticed that there was more graffiti than I would have assumed would be in the women’s room. Which I guess is sexist of me to assume, I really need to learn to just stop making assumptions because they always seem to turn out to be misguided. I made a tipsy promise to myself to be more open minded about things, especially since I was starting to explore who I really was.I didn’t want to keep myself from really being my best self.

There were a ton of different political messages scrawled on the walls. Plenty of “fuck trump,” “fuck homophobes,” and “fuck TERFs” whatever that meant. My eye lingered on a message scrawled in sharpie over the door handle “You don’t need him, all you need is her. ;D” Good advice random stranger. I made a note to bring a sharpie next time I came to Sweet Tooth. I had a feeling that I would be back here plenty of times until my ID got sorted out.

I came out and washed my hands and saw that Elle was fiddling around with a short red tube of what I guessed was lipstick. With her pale freckled skin the color looked absolutely awesome on her. She saw me looking out of the corner of my eye and offered the tube to me. “You wanna try? It’s lip stain, some Korean stuff from ToniMoli. I got it just the other day and I love how the color really stays for a long time. You can do it if you want?” I looked for a second at the offered tube. Say yes to new experiences. Try something different. Say yes to girly things because if it’s not my thing, then I can just not do it again. I’m so smart! S-M-R-T. The smrtest girl around that’s me!

I nodded “Uh do you mind doing it for me?” Elle’s eyes lit up.

“Of course!! I could totally do that. Here purse your lips for me, yeah just like that.” It took about a minute of Elle applying it until she told me to turn and face the mirror. What I saw wasn’t Earth shattering. It wasn’t mind changing. But it was me, and the red shade of the lipstick really let my eyes stand out. Even in the bathroom light I could see that the girl looking back at herself had way more confidence than the one just 24 hours ago. It was a face that I could get used to, and was planning on it.

I turned back to Elle “God I love it. Thank you so much.” She held her arms out inviting a hug and I wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could. “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know how I could have made it without you. And uh. . two big things happened.”

She gave me a quick squeeze and dropped the hug. “More big things than realizing you were really trans?” I nodded. “Alright hit me.”

This was the hard part. I didn’t want to deal with the bad news so I spit it out as fast as possible. “Okay so my parents were at dinner and it was really uncomfortable and they’re like, mad that I’m a girl for some reason? Anyway they said a lot of nasty stuff and I’ve decided, y’know just flip that. Flip it all out of here. Flip it like a monopoly board on family board game night, gosh dang it! I don’t need to go out of my way to try to see them for a while since they’re going to be nothing but rude.”

“God I’m sorry.” Elle gave me another quick hug. I honestly loved the amount of hugs and just physical contact I got as a girl. I feel like I never really just randomly hugged someone or touched them to show support. It just wasn’t done. I’ve missed just random non romantic intimacy. And the more hugs I got, the more that I wanted. Give them to me! I desire and deserve all the best hugs possible! I’m a hug monster, bwa hahaa!

I shook my head, taking in the pure joy of seeing my hair flop this way and that. “No no it’s okay! I don’t need them. I’m at school mostly on scholarships and student loans and we’re going to be done in less than a year. So it’s not like I depend on them much. I’ve got my part time thing working at the campus library a few nights a week so I don’t need them for money. BUT more importantly. I. . .” Oh god here I go getting nervous. This is the exciting news. This is supposed to be the easy thing. “I. . .Zoey and I. . . Kissed.”

If Elle was in shock over my parents being complete ding-dongs, her mouth dropped open in shock over this recent revelation making the cutest little “O.” “Oh my God? One day as a girl and you’re in lesbians already. You did the dang thing huh??”

“Well she did the dang thing really, she kissed me.” I wanted to turn away to look at myself in the mirror but she looked too cute and I just couldn’t focus on anything.

“Ooohhh ladykiller. You lucky devil you. You know she only likes the cutest of all the girls right?”

Hello blushing my old friend. I need to figure out how to control my facial features better, I can’t stop grinning. “Stoooooooop I can’t stop grinning. Stoooop!!” See, I said I couldn’t stop grinning.

Her eyes lit up “You dickens. That’s why you dragged me off into the bathroom. You couldn’t dare tell me about your little romantic entanglement sitting at the bar where she’d overhear us. Smooth Andi, that’s like Level 2 girl smooth.”

“I feel like the exp boost from owning the fact that I was a trans would make me at least level 3 by now. If not that then experimenting with makeup might.”

“Fine but you don’t get to chose your class til you reach level five. And there’s so much specialization to chose from. Nerd GF. Goth GF. Kinky GF. The choices are yours. Hell then there’s the sub specialties. Gamer girl or Anime expert. Horror buff or Rave Master. Top or… well you know.”

“ALRIGHT you’re going to have to STOp. I’m done! I’m done here, I’m going back outside.” I knew telling her was a mistake. Of course she was going to take it too far. I pushed my way through that heavier than it should be door with Elle following right behind grinning like it was nobody’s business.

As soon as we got back within sight of the bar, Zoey waved us over. She was still behind the divider pouring drinks, but this time she had another customer in front of her. The new girl had curly violet hair that touched down to her broad shoulders. When she turned to look at who Zoey was waving at we could see her bright green eyes and the glint of a nose ring reflecting the dim bar light. It really is categorically unfair that seemingly all of Elle and Zoey’s friends happened to be cute. Did they have to pass a test or something? You must be this attractive to be our buddy? I know they aren’t shallow like that, but gosh it was just rough for a girl figuring out who she was when you’re surrounded by supportive, funny, gorgeous ladies. Again I say, how dare they.

“Welcome back you two. It sure took you long enough. We thought that Andi might have gotten lost on her way to the bathroom.” I couldn’t look Zoey straight in the eye, instead I decided to focus on the bottle of vodka that she was pouring into a cocktail mixer.

Elle draped her arm across my shoulder “Oh Andi was just telling me alllll about the eventful evening. You know us girls and gossip, who’s your friend?”

Thank you Elle for changing the subject, at least I can now plan my new life where I leave all of civilization behind to live as a wild woman free from a society that will embarrass her for kissing attractive women.

Zoey motioned for us to sit down at the bar. “Ladies, this is my friend Clarissa. She comes out here a few times a week. She’s my friend that I talked about last night. The one who is all about the magic. She thinks she might be able to potentially help Andi if Andi wants her help.”

Clarissa waved at the two of us. She had the tarot card of Death tattooed on her right wrist in bright pastel colors. Her voice was on the lower side and smooth, relaxing even. “Nice to meet you two. Andi, Zoey has told me all about your situation and I am so so sorry. I can’t believe someone would break so many magical codes for such selfish reasons. I’m so glad that this isn’t even more of a distressing situation for you with your body than it could be.” Ah. . . So Zoey had explained everything.

I assumed Zoey told Clarissa that I was trans and okay with my transformation, but that still felt like a broach of trust. That she told her something that was my information to divulge. Not that I was ashamed of being trans. Since coming to that realization an hour ago that knowledge had been a pillar of strength for me to attach myself to. But it was my pillar of strength, my story to tell.

“Yeah so I’m a girl now. Yay. Last night I wanted to potentially be able to change back, but now I don’t think I want to as much.” Clarissa nodded, it seemed like she mostly understood. I knew this was a long shot but I had to ask. “So like, is there a magical police department that I can report this to? Like CSI Hogwarts who will come to this situation and Men in Black mindwipe everyone involved so everyone else thinks that I’ve always had boobs? I mean obviously ACAB, even magical cops are probably bastards. And like the less said about JK Rowling the better. But long story short, is there anyone out there who is keeping an eye out for magical abuse?”

Clarissa laughed, her eyes closed into a tight wrinkle with every chuckle “oh you were right she does have spirit. No unfortunately not. Since this roommate of yours broke the codes, and since we have his spellbook it will have to be up to us to potentially punish him. There are no magical secret societies out there like you’d see in a fantasy novel. In fact I have no idea how your . . . associate” she spit the word out like it was distasteful to even spend time thinking about him “even found this book to begin with. Most magic is firmly held on by the rich magical families who have kept their tomes to themselves ever since they immigrated here during the major European witch hunts. Typically it’s old money who used their fortune to quickly buy up land and start businesses starting in Boston and then spreading throughout the country.”

My brain was starting to hurt, I know this was going off on a tangent, but I was curious now about this parallel magical US History. “So the Salem Witch Trials, those were because of actual witches who came over from Europe.”

Clarissa laughed and shook her head. “Oh god no. That was caused by psychotropic fungus that grew on their rye crops after a particularly rainy season leading to the hallucinations that started that whole hysteria. Well that and a puritanical patriarchal need to reign in anyone in the community who did not seemingly meet the expectations for “good” puritans. Sorry, I wrote a paper about Salem in college so now I just know way too much.”

I murmured out a quick “it’s cool.” Zoey and Elle seemed to do the same. There was something magnetic about Clarissa that kept you enraptured. The way she talked seemed very deliberate and confidential, like they were letting you in on a close secret. She nodded, noting that she didn’t lose the attention of anyone in the group.

“Not all wealthy industrialists or merchants had an ancestry of magic. In fact it is primarily the minority in America. But those rich who hold onto the magical tomes are quick to keep their secrets, well secretive. Plenty of robber barons knew that magic existed around the 1800s, there's evidence of that. They mostly used their friends gifts to bust strikes or to fuck with labor. I'm 95 percent certain that the Haymarket Riot was started by a magical explosion crafted by big business to make the unions look bad. Anyway, they have monopolized magic in this country for over 300 years, so the fact that this spell book just ends up in your roommate’s hands from a thrift store leaves me to wonder how it got there in the first place. And most importantly how do we punish him for a misuse of this amazing magical gift he received."

“Ooohh oohhh ohh I know! I know how to punish them!!” Elle raised her hand like she was in class or something. Nobody called on her but she still blurted out anyway “Make Mulder a catgirl!” causing all three of us to give her a healthy serving of blank stares.

I did a quick facepalm, “excuse me what?”

“Oh you know. They’re like, girls but they have a tail and cat ears. Sometimes they’re all ‘nyan’ and super cute. Like in the animes. That way everyone will know that Mulder did some weird freaky magical stuff, but also they’re going to be in this super cute body so like everyone will win. Catgirls. Can’t go wrong with catgirls. Every problem can be solved with catgirls.” Well at least we now knew Elle’s fetish.

Zoey shook her head “E, I don’t think this necessarily solves the problem in the best way.”

“I don’t know why we have an awesome magical book with the ability to transform people at our potential fingertips and we don’t decide to bring a catgirl into this reality. That’s like being handed the keys to Disney World and just riding the Carousel of Progress all day. It makes no sense!”

Clarissa shrugged “would you like to be a catgirl Elle?”

Elle put an exaggerated finger to her lips, probably to distract from the fact that she was turning a healthy shade of red. So Elle can blush! I knew it! “I’ll think about it okay? I think we’re getting distracted from the real question of what to do with this magical pervert.”

Although the tangent was funny, something just wasn’t sitting right with me over this whole conversation. I couldn’t reconcile this idea of punishment with my morals. “Y’all I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can really fully justify using magic to ‘teach Parker a lesson.’”

“What Parker did to you broke most of the rules of magic, Andi. He’s lucky that you’re actually okay with the end results.” As she spoke, Clarissa’s tone turned cold as ice. “And if he tried to mind control you like you said, that would be further removing your will and sense of autonomy. That kind of identity death is not just forbidden, but equivalent to killing someone. This is probably the most clear cut case of someone in need of magical punishment to fit their crime. Most of the cases that I’ve read about online in small forums of magic users have typically had the punishment follow the crime. He turned you into a woman, and now with my help we can translate the spell book and you can return the favor. It’s what he deserves.”

At this point she was punctuating her sentences with strong hand movements, emphasizing every word. It was kind of cute how she talked with her hands. Her short shoulder length violet hair bounced with every emphasis. Don’t blush now Andi, you’re contemplating magical punishment. Now is not the time to be thinking these kinds of things. And you just kissed Zoey, you dirty bird. You can’t seriously be thinking of something like this.

For a second the only question my mind had was ‘there’s a forum for magic users? Thanks internet.’ But then I started really wrapping my mind around her suggested punishment. I had to say something. I had to give voice to my concerns somehow. “I know what they did was wrong and they can’t just get away with it. If we just leave them unchecked they’re going to still go on their quest for a girlfriend and they’ll end up hurting someone else. I get that. They don’t think through their actions beyond how it’s going to benefit them. I know that. I’ve lived that. But at the same time I can’t condone using their same tactics against them. Just because they changed me doesn’t mean we should also completely shift their body as well. That’s not feminist. That’s not some kind of positive restorative justice. That’s just ugly revenge. Just having this conversation, considering a woman’s body as some sort of punishment, is gross. We can’t use the same oppressive tools as a means of “justice” because all that does is reinforces this sexist status quo.”

“Turning someone into a girl to teach them a lesson just means that we think so poorly of women’s bodies that we view it as the lesser than the default male. I know y’all don’t think like that. Well I’m just assuming for you Clarissa because I’ve mainly just known you recently and I don’t know too much about you but you seem like good people. I just. . . I just want to make it so he can’t hurt someone again. So he can’t drug someone with a love potion or hypnotize them, or even use some sort of pervert 3D glasses. I’ve seen them and he told me they worked and really I just wrote it off at the time but now I’m not so sure anymore and I honestly am disgusted with myself that I gave him a pass for so long because I thought he was a harmless weirdo because he wasn’t doing harm directly to me. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t stand by the side while he sits in an apartment that we used to share and is. . . like that. But I can’t also justify completely changing him mentally. To do this mental modification will make us no better than when he wanted to turn me into his devoted girlfriend.” I paused for breath, looking around sheepishly. Nobody responded, Elle seemed to be looking at a very interesting spot on the floor.

“I uh. . .I’ll get off my soap box now.” I pantomimed pushing a box out of the way. “Zoey can I get a PBR? I need something that is definitely not as strong as that drink you made me.”

Zoey nodded and reached under to grab a frosty long girl of PBR (Elle and I had decided when we were freshman in college that calling the larger beers “tallboys” was idiotic and we had adapted long girl as an alternative. Sure it confused bartenders but we found it fun). She passed it to me and turned to look at the rest of the women. “I agree with you Andi, but at the same time what can we do? If you’re against using mental magic then Parker will always know you have the spell book and he can do something nasty to you at any time. When Monday rolls around you’re going to have to go back to campus and go to classes. What’s going to stop him from doing something horrible to you on campus?”

“I have absolutely no idea!” I declared with as much confidence as I could muster. “I feel like we are just going to have to burn that bridge when we get to it.”

Zoey shook her head. “We can’t do that. Your overall safety is not a risk I’m willing to take. Just because you can joke and try to take this in stride, that doesn’t mean that you could be in serious danger. He would flippantly just turn you into a girl and accept that as a necessary sacrifice in order to get a girlfriend. What will he do in order to get that book back so he can just do this to someone else again?”

It was my turn to be speechless. “I. . . Don’t know. I don’t. I don’t know if I can answer that.” I need some air. I had to get outside. I was getting too emotional, which I guess considering the situation was warranted. I quickly excused myself and stumbled again outside, leaving my beer behind. Was I too tipsy for this discussion? No probably not enough tipsy, but at the same time the whole conversation didn't feel right to me. Someone else could drink my beer. I just had to distance myself and think.

DerbyGhost

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you enjoyed, please gimme a comment.