Tick. Tick. Tick.

The near silence of the public library has always been so comforting to me. The rhythmic ticking of the clocks, as if to keep your reading on pace, echoes through my head faintly and familiarly. Cat and I always love visiting the vast halls of these book lined corridors, we love to learn about all the fascinating things the world has to offer…without the snickering and bickering of other kids in class. I found it easy enough to ignore it and cope, but Cat really struggled, and it hurt to watch such a smart kid fall behind because no one would teach them in a way or environment that wasn’t so hostile to them. I tried to help, but I’m no expert. The best I could do was support my friend.

“What’d ya find?” I ask my friend, sitting alone with their nose shoved between the pages of a book. Cat jumps for a second as the quiet of the library is replaced by my voice, turning to smile at me.

“N-nothing in particular…”

I shake my head with a knowing smile before pulling a chair up next to them. “C’mon, this isn’t school, you know I won’t make fun of you!”

A blush creeps across their face, embarrassed to have even suggested otherwise. “R-right… Well… I found this book on mythology ‘n stuff…”

My head cranes over the edge of the table to take a look-- Wow. “Those are some pretty ladies…”

Cat doesn’t say a word, but it’s clear they think the same. Things called lamias, sirens, harpies, all sorts of crosses between animals or monsters and beautiful girls.

“So what, you wanna find a girlfriend like that?” I tease with a playful smile, Cat huffing and rolling their eyes at me.

“No! W-well… No, shush!” They shake their head adamantly, but their blush says otherwise. “No, it’s just… I mean… I guess I hadn’t thought about it ‘til now, but… I kinda wanna be like them…” They catch me off guard with that one, but I almost… Get it? Even more so as they continue. “They’re strong, and beautiful, and despite how different they are, they’re still these really pretty women… Y’know, kinda like how we feel different…?”

The gears in my head begin to turn. Different? Like, yeah, we are, but compared to these creatures depicted in the pages of this book? It just couldn’t be a proper comparison. 

“I guess? I dunno, I think I get what you mean but… We’re not girls, right?” Wait, no, that’s not what I said…was it? It’s not about being girls, it’s about them being monsters, right…?

“U-uhm. Okay…” 

Even so, the answer I heard come out of my mouth makes Cat’s gaze fall back to the pages before going wide. I’ve heard Cat being unsure of themselves before this, but something felt different this time.

“I dunno… I just want to feel pretty and loved, I guess, even if people don’t like me for who I am… I wanna be beautiful… Y’know, like you.”

What?

Suddenly the world around me just seems to stop. No. No this isn’t how this goes. This is wrong. I look down at myself and see a small child… Long hair and dolled up in a dress. A dress? I never had a dress before. The world seems to shake around me, Cat being unfrozen amidst the chaos, looking at me intensely as my view seems to shift.

“At least, I thought so… I thought we were the same.”

Their words strike a part of my soul that feels on the verge of shattering as I look back down at myself and recoil in disgust, my body seemingly trying to grow into an adult and tear the dress to shreds. 

“No-- NO!!”

I try to cover myself but there’s just no use. The library around us fractures and crumbles, falling apart to reveal an empty void until that was all we could see, just Cat as a child, and…me, as I am now.

“Wh… Who am I…?” I mutter, trembling as tears begin to fall and sobbing takes over my voice.

Cat just smiles at me, concerned but caring. “You’re you. Fox. We chose these names because they’re what we love, right?”

They sit next to me, unchanging, unlike the grotesque adult form I take now, curled up and crying.

“You are what makes you happy, Fox.”

My name echoes through my head in Cat’s voice, feeling as though it’s trying to reach into me and pull something out that just won’t budge. The echo grows louder and louder, repeating in my head until it consumes all thought--!!

“Fox!”

My body lurches forward, sitting up and throwing the sheets off of me in the process. I’m sweating something fierce, my body aches for but a moment before I feel I’ve regained control, looking around as the oppressive darkness that consumed my thoughts before slowly fades. I see the sunlight beaming through my window and Cat standing in my door frame.

“You… You okay, Fox…?”

My eye s are wide open now. The state of panic refuses to relent as my hands fly up to my chest, running over my body before Cat hurriedly rushes over to sit at my bedside, placing their hands atop mine.

“Oh my god, Fox… Can you hear me…?”

I simply nod, continuing to pant heavily until I feel Cat’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into an embrace that melts away my anxiety. My eyes finally close as my hands move up to hold them as well. 

“C… Cat…”

Their grip around me loosens as they pull away, hands moving up to my shoulders. Their face is a conflicted mix of relieved smile and fearful concern. “Tell me what happened, if you can. But don’t force yourself.”

So calmly methodical and rehearsed yet genuinely caring and concerned… Do they know what I’d just experienced…? I take a deep breath, my hands returning to my chest as I exhale. “It was… Just a bad dream.”

Again, they look as though they simultaneously don’t believe that, and that they understand completely why I said it. “I thought so at first too, y’know. Again, don’t force yourself.” 

They stand up and pat my shoulders before walking over to my door again, looking back at me with less of a smile, “We need to get some supplies from town… Though if you don’t feel up to going please get some more rest.”

I shake my head, tossing the rest of the covers off my legs and sliding out of bed. “No, no I’m fine. Fresh air will do me some good.”

The tiniest bit of a smile returns to Cat’s face. They don’t like going out into town alone, and I can’t blame them.

I pull open the drawer to my nightstand and pull out some more publicly acceptable clothing, just an orange sweater and black pants, while Cat, in their black t-shirt and blue jeans, walks out to sit at the dining table. Stretching for a moment with my arms held high, my gaze falls to my nightstand once again, where my hair ties lay. It’s a no brainer to tie this hair up when it just barely reaches past my shoulders. I haven’t had the heart to cut it myself lest I make it look worse, so it’s the best way to keep it from flying in my face.

I walk away from them and out of my room, turning sharply into the bathroom. Brush teeth. Shave. And… I brush my hair for the first time in a long while. Eugh. It’s really matted, but eventually, after many grunts and a lot of effort, my hair is as smooth as it was when I did this regularly. Once again I avoid looking into the mirror, but I do catch a glimpse of my hair flowing as I exit the bathroom. Something about that feels alright.

“I’ve got our bag, are you ready to…?”

Cat looks up from examining the contents of the bag to make sure everything was in order, only to stare at me. 

“...Yeah? Good to go. You okay?”

“Y-yeah! Yeah, good, I’m good.” 

I tilt my head at them with a quizzical expression as they stand up with our bag hung from their shoulder. “You just… No hair tie today?”

Suddenly this becomes a… Ugh… hairy situation, self consciousness taking hold for a moment. “Does it look bad…? I-I mean, is that a bad thing?”

Swiftly and rapidly they shake their head. “No! No no, it… It actually looks really nice like that. I like it.”

Their grip tightens around the strap of the bag as my heart flutters for a second. “Okay. Y-yeah, thanks. That’s nice. Anyways, ready to go?”

I receive a less than enthusiastic nod, and I offer my own in return. I feel better than when I woke up, but I can only hope going into town won’t sour that. I walk ahead and open our creaky front door, playfully offering the way to Cat, who pretends to curtsy before strutting out. If only we could hold this kind of energy out there.