CW: Transphobia, Implied Abuse

 

Fox

 

Opening my eyes, I find myself still in Cat’s arms, curled up against her as she cuddles me dearly. 

“Thank you…” I mumble.

I peek my head up slightly so that I can look around while staying within my partner’s grasp, only to notice that this isn’t my room. Well, that’s not completely correct… This is my room.

From almost 2 decades ago.

The window to my side still shines with moonlight that glazes over the room, coating it in its melancholic blue hue. It’s a standard apartment room; a little less cozy than your typical suburban home but it’s still leagues above our shack in Railsent in terms of quality. And yet, I would rather be back there than here. There’s no fear right now, just more of a dullness. It’s not that it’s hard to understand my feelings; I don’t even know they’re there to begin with. I don’t feel anything…except the warmth of my friend wrapping around me. 

Soon after, however, that warmth is assaulted by anticipation. Footsteps outside my door. The handle slowly turning and the door creaking open. I feel my body tense up, and in response, Cat holds me tighter. Suddenly that anticipation turns to fear, and the warmth into…happiness? It’s a sad thought, but this feeling is so unfamiliar that it’s hard to identify the feeling beyond the traces of it that would slip out seeing Cat being her true self. The dullness and non-understanding begin to wash away as the emotions grow more and more intense, fear and joy clashing until the door ahead of us opens fully.

“What did I tell you, ####? This would only hurt you in the end. Yet here you are, in the arms of another man, shaking in fear.” 

The shaking only begins as the voice mentions it. It’s true, I’m shaking, but…

“...She’s a girl, mom…” My voice is weak and shaky, the fear in my body spiking as the gentler feeling ekes out said response.

The figure is nothing but shadows from where I sit, yet I can still see her shaking her head in disappointment. “Your friend ##### is a boy, ####. Don’t you see how hurt he is when he tries to do all those girly things, only to be punished for it? You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?”

Her words strike at my heart with precision. I wince and retreat further into Cat’s grasp, only for…the fear to stop. A hand on my head strokes down between my ears, gently and rhythmically. In place of the fear, I feel…

 

Indignation.

“She’s a girl. She says she’s a girl, so she is…” There’s very little anger in my voice, I’m far too comfortable to bother being enraged, though I feel I should be considering what she’s saying about my best friend.
“Come now, ####, you know that’s not how it works…” She begins stepping forward, yet even cast in moonlight, there’s nothing but a shadowy figure.

“My name is Fox.”

Each step becomes louder and angrier than the last. “That’s not the name I gave you. You would throw away the precious name I gifted you at birth, ####?”

I feel like a child, being both patronized from the far side of the room, and coddled from close behind me. Yet only one of those feelings is both new and needed. 

“It hurts, I don’t want it, I never wanted it. My name is Fox. I gave it to myself.”

“You spoiled brat…” 

Any reservation she had in holding back her contempt fades as I stand my ground, albeit not literally. Still, what was once me curling up at the feet of my assailant has been replaced by the warmth and kindness wrapped around me. I don’t feel like I have to let this just happen to me anymore…

“I’m Fox! I’m Fox and I’m a…I’m…” My claws come up to grasp at Cat’s arm, shaking as I struggle to finish saying what I know is the truth, doubts be damned.

“You’re what, ####? What are you, ####?” She doesn’t stop marching forward as she reaches the far end of my bed, instead continuing, the darkness shredding through its physical form until she’s standing over me, just like before. “You’re a boy. Act like it, or you’re just a burden. Haven’t you seen how much #####’s father struggles? How much pain you’ll cause me by doing this? Don’t hurt me like this. Say it. You. Are. A. Boy.”

Fear threatens to take control. Tears slowly trickle from my eyes as I huddle inward. It’s always like this. Even when I try to take control, it feels so overpowering. It’s a routine at this point… Yet the cycle is interrupted as I feel something, not from Cat, not from anywhere else… but myself. My tail begins to wrap around Cat however it can, holding her tight, and the more of her I feel, the stronger I feel despite that fear.

“I’m… I’m Fox! I’ll be whatever I want to be!”

It wasn’t the exact answer my heart sought, but it’s the best I could offer as the shadow reels their hand back to strike at me, only to fade into dust before it can even collide. They’re gone. My breath feels heavy, trembling, only traces of my fear clinging to my soul as I pant and collect myself.
“She can’t hurt me… She can’t hurt me…” For once, my chanting wasn’t a prayer, but a matter of fact. She’s just a shadow to me. She can’t do any harm to me. She can’t control me anymore.

 

“She can’t hurt me…” I mumble still as my eyes flutter open slowly. 

Home. I’m back home… Cat looks down at me and smiles. I’ve never felt more rewarded in my life, seeing her bright face after all of that.

“Welcome back, Fox. You okay?” 

She continues to pet me, yet my tail isn’t wagging at all. Odd. That’s when I notice it’s curled around Cat in each and every way possible, from her legs, to her arms, to her torso. I retract it quickly and it returns to its wagging.
“Sorry about that--”

“Shh. No. No sorries. You’ve been through too much to apologize for trying to fight back.” 

God, I want to close my eyes and fall right back asleep in her arms. But I’ve been unconscious enough as is, so I begin to stretch, closing my eyes, extending my arms and legs, arching my torso, and pointing my muzzle up--

“Boop.”

...Our noses touch for just a moment as Cat says that. Ohhhh no. Ohhhh god. My claws immediately reach up to cover my face, curling up again as Cat giggles and picks me up, placing me beside her on my bed. 

“Cat, you’re killing me…”

“Hey, I can’t help how cute you are! Or how gay we are. I am so gay.”

“God I’m so… Uhh…?” I trip over my words once again, dragging my claws down my face and looking at Cat. “I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that…”

“Oh, god, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to push that on you or anything--”

“No no no! You’re right. I think.” I sit up properly now, looking over at the moon through the window. “It’s clear to me now how I want to feel and be. But it still doesn’t feel right, even if I don’t feel pressured by not wanting to be a burden to people. We still live in a town like this…”

Cat frowns, and I don’t blame her. Her tail comes to wrap around mine, and she replaces that frown with a smile. “We’ll get you there, ‘kay? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.”

I muster a nod before looking down at my body. Suddenly things start to make a bit more sense. I chose the name Fox. It’s who I am, of course I’d turn into one too. And it feels right. Running a hand down my tail, I feel just how poofy and soft it is before looking at my claws themselves. Covered in fur, they still look deadly sharp, but they don’t feel dangerous, at least, when I don’t want them to be. Down and down my body my eyes trail… I like it. All of it. But I can’t accept liking it just yet. Maybe the animal parts… Kinda, as long as they don’t get in the way of living here, but…ugh. All I can do is put my faith in Cat, and myself, that we’ll get me to a point where that’s not a problem.

 

Glancing to the side, I see a smiling cat. “Enjoying yourself?”
“Shush. Every night it’s like I’m looking through a completely new pair of eyes.” I cross my arms and sigh, making Cat chuckle before she slides off the bed and stands up.

“I getcha, I getcha. Now, there’s still quite some time left of the night. Wanna actually relax on the roof now?” Her tail swishes back and forth calmly as she makes her way to my door, standing beneath the frame and holding it with her paws from below. I’m about to accept when a sudden idea hits me.

“Why our roof? We can jump incredibly high and land without a sound. Honestly, town hall doesn’t sound too bad.”

Cat’s smile only gets brighter as she grins. “I love that idea! C’mon, let’s get going then.”

She turns to walk out the door, when suddenly a thought that had been sitting in the back of my mind this whole time finally comes to a conclusion. “Hey, wait..”

She turns her head only and tilts it with a ‘mew’. Goddammit she’s still too cute, this catgirl is too powerful. Ugh, shaking that thought out of my head and getting back on track, I look up at her again.

“You said earlier that you’re really gay, and that I’m really gay, after you said that I’m…”

I can barely manage the words in my own mouth before Cat finishes my question for me. “Cute? Yeah, I did. Something wrong with that?”

I blink at her. She’s ever so slightly smirking, yet I dare to continue. “So… Uhh… Does that mean… You and I…? Or… When you look at me…?” 

Trip and fall and trip and fall, I just can’t get a grip on my words tonight, but that ceases to be my biggest problem at the moment. Cat turns her head to glance at me from the side, smiling and…winking at me while sticking her tongue out.

“See you outside, Fox.”

…

Fuck.

My tail immediately whaps upwards into my face, and I wrap my arms around it, screaming into its softness.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! FUCK!!

 

...

 

The rest of the night is…really nice. I don’t think I’m quite ready for the feelings Cat has for me, or even the feelings I have for Cat, but tonight…tonight is the perfect balance while we wait for everything to sort itself out. Cat and I never had much of a problem being physically close, we had to be on the cold nights on the street, but now, any feelings of reservations I had feel lightened. Even if I’m still not fully comfortable giving in to her warmth, it felt better to have more than just being close. Hands atop each others’, tails entwined as we stare up at the waning moon. My head leans against her arm and her head rests atop mine. God, I feel every inch of my soul screaming out for her, but I’m just not ready for her yet. She deserves a complete girl, and right now… I don’t feel whole or like a girl. I feel a certain emptiness… But not just an emptiness. A need.

“Wanna go for that heist?” I ask suddenly, feeling Cat’s tail release mine and point straight up. She looks down at me with excitement, then concern, ending with confusion.

“You’ve been through a lot tonight, Fox, are you really sure that’s such a great idea? I already sent Yombroila off too, so she can’t tell us where to go first.” 

I pause for a moment, staring up at the moon before turning my head to look at Cat.

“You feel it too, though, right? That need…” 

I can see her emotions fitting themselves into place as she scrunches up her face, ears pinning themselves back as her tail swishes back and forth.

“That need to sneak.” 

I nod in confirmation of her statement and smile at her.

“That need to steal.” 

She looks back at me and returns the same to me.
“The thrill of the heist…” We say in unison, grinning at each other before laughing in unison.

“It’s really odd,” I say, standing up. Cat looks up at me quizzically as I put a hand on my hip and my weight to one side. “My feelings are still all over the place, yet this need is so clear. And when have we been this excited for a heist before?”

“Probably not since we had our first big one.” My eyes trail back to gaze at the moon before nodding at Cat’s answer as she stands up next to me. “Well? You got a plan in that case?”

A sharp toothed grin creeps across my face as I glance to my side at her, and for just a second, I could have sworn she was blushing.

“Easiest job in the business.”

She immediately catches on and grins with me, and I take her hand in mine before leaping off the townhall roof without a sound, dashing across the plains and towards the city.