CW: Parental abuse, dysphoria, transphobia

On the worst day of Allie’s life, she finally figured out just who she was. The words to describe her feelings had never come easily, but something changed within Allie as her childhood marched toward its end. That was, more or less, one of the first thoughts Allie had after realizing she was a girl. It hadn’t come suddenly, but rather built up ever so slowly, bit by bit. So Allie found herself, Sitting alone in her bedroom, clutching a pair of panties she’d shoplifted on a whim only days ago, crying for the umpteenth time that year and finally understanding all the reasons why. 

Then and there Allie tried so hard to find some definitive thing to point to locked away in some buried memory. It wasn’t there. She’d never tried on her sister’s clothes, the panties now draped across her open palms were the first pair of women’s clothing she’d so much as touched beyond passing grazes or brushes from hugs. Beyond that, Allie had never gravitated toward dolls, never took any displeasure in the boy activities and boy interested expected of her.

Suddenly though, the prospect of getting older, of going through puberty as a boy had started feeling bitter, unfair. She went about her days as though desperately swimming against the currents of time, trying hopelessly not to reach that inevitability. And there were so many reasons for that. Could she be blamed for missing one among many? 

It wasn’t possible to put down an exact date, but Allie knew it had been years since she’d started asking herself questions like “how would it feel to spend a day as a girl?” Sometimes she took off that arbitrary time limit entirely. That particular version of the fantasy was entertained more and more as puberty loomed. 

Things started slow, just fun thought experiments Allie had an odd fascination with. She could always double back and reassure herself it was only that. It wasn’t like she was on a deadline or anything. Besides, there was no way Allie would want to stay like that. She liked being a boy, of course. She liked playing video games and climbing trees and action movies, that’s what boys did. 

And when she found herself re-watching the gender bender episodes of cartoons too many times, when her gaze lingered too long on pretty hair or stylish shoes, Allie simply reminded herself it was healthy for a boy her age to start feeling attraction toward girls. That wasn’t envy, it was sexuality. 

And oh, she was proud of it, even. It meant she was developing quickly. She was mature for her age. That’s why pretty girls fascinated her so much. Fucking idiot. Furious intrusive thoughts yanked Allie from her contemplation. She wiped her eyes, wincing as the back of her hand brushed against wispy facial hair. Why her? Why like this? It took so long to realize and what would it even amount to? Allie had no delusions of how her parents would react. 

And then there was that other thing. The thing that became so much more real at the gentle knock upon her door. Allie didn’t want to answer. If she didn’t answer it wouldn’t happen right? Lexi wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye so if she never got the chance she’d stay. 

“Will you let me in?” Her voice was pensive, sad, perhaps guilty. Allie sobbed again. She couldn’t keep herself away from her sister. She dashed across the room, stashing her new acquisition in a box of assorted keepsakes, for good measure she stuffed the box back into a little nook of her room, perching it atop an inconspicuous pile of other junk. Allie took a deep breath and opened the door, Lexi stepped through as they both drifted back to Allie’s bed and sat. Lexi pulled her into a hug, “I’ll come back for you as soon as I can.” 

They shared the space like that for several moments, both knowing what it meant for Lexi to leave Allie behind. 

“Please don’t go.” 

“I can’t stay. The older I get the worse they get. The more controlling. I can’t be who I am here. I know it’s hard to understand, it’s just not the same with you as it is with me. You’re a boy and well, you’re not like me. They won’t hate you for who you love.” Allie wanted to correct Lexi so badly. 

She wanted to scream that no, she wasn’t a boy. To scream that  the prospect of losing her sister, losing the only girl in her life she felt any sort of connection to had plunged Allie into a spiraling abyss of self discovery that ended in a gut-wrenching revelation of who she was. Of what she couldn’t be. Instead of doing any of that though, Allie stayed quiet. 

And how couldn’t she stay quiet? There was so much to lose. What if Lexi thought she was a freak? What if she left and didn’t come back when she learned she never had a brother to begin with? So Allie bit her tongue. She stayed a passenger in her body as she and Lexi went through the motions of a goodbye neither wanted to make.

“I know they won’t get you a phone or a computer, but I’ll write to you. I’ll call as often as I can. I’ll come visit. And as soon as I can, I’ll find a way to get you out.” Lexi trailed off, there was another thing she wasn’t saying. Something she knew she had to say but really wished she didn’t. “If things get too bad. If they hurt you or whatever you can run to me. Whatever my living situation is like I don’t know. I won’t know, but I’ll find a way to make room for you.”

Somewhere in the house a door slammed. Such occurrences were typical. The walls shook ever so lightly as Allie winced into her sister’s protective embrace. Out the corner of her eye, Allie saw movement, shifting. That box, the one with Allie’s panties in it. Its balancing act upon the leaning tower of old comic books, dvds and the like was coming to a close, teetering dangerously, about to spill open and reveal it’s contents. Allie couldn’t have that. 

With a panicked flick of her wrist Allie seized the box with pulsing blue light, and set it gently upon the ground. Lexi stared at her in surprise, mouth hanging open slightly as her brain caught up with what she’d just seen. Shit. Revealing one secret to preserve another, not ideal, but given the chance to do it again she’d have made the same choice. Lexi kept staring, her mouth opening and closing over and over again before she finally found the right words.

“Wait, you too?” 

- - -

It had been so, so long since Lexi left. So long since Allie last heard from her sister. She’d tried to visit at first, but was chased off the porch. Tried to call, but was denied any chance of talking to her sister. No letters came. It was as though Allie had been forgotten. Part of her tried to rationalize that it wasn’t Lexi’s fault, that didn’t change the fact that Allie was alone. That she had nobody to talk to. That nobody knew who she was.

That is, nobody had known who she was. Things had gotten unbearable, so Allie made the mistake of telling her parents only days ago. Allie wasn’t sure she’d get the chance to ever tell anyone anything ever again. Her room had become a prison cell. They’d pulled Allie from school, deprived her of her comforts, taken everything in some hope to toughen her up, to make a man out of her. 

Days uncounted passed like that, left with little to do but read books approved by her father, eating sparse, bland food served to her with barely a spoken word. The rules had been made clear early on: they’d let her out when she renounced that fundamental truth about who she was. But she wasn’t going to do that. Fuck them. 

From time to time, Allie entertained the thought of snapping; she might lift her parents into the air with her mind and dash them bloody upon the walls. She didn’t. Lexi had told Allie in detail what she suspected would happen to deltas who couldn’t be kept in line. So she waited. In a few more months Allie would be an adult. One day they wouldn’t be able to stop her from walking through the front door and never looking back. She only prayed that when the time came, Allie could fix the grotesque, masculine looking thing she had been made into.

On some nondescript day, not notably different from the day before, or different from how Allie expected the day after to go, something happened. Lexi happened. From silence came shouting, muffled and distant at first, but growing in volume. Another sound pierced the air around her, a high, whiny hum followed by more screams. Footsteps, a hard crash followed by swearing. Another crash. The door burst open. Lexi stood in the frame, backlit and standing tall as she searched the room for her sister. She rushed to Allie’s side.

“Oh thank god, you’re okay.” Her words were muffled by choked sobs as she threw her arms around Allie.

“Wha- Lexi? What are you doing here?”

“Saving you, obviously. I um, fuck. I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner. I’ve been trying to find you at your school for weeks now. I didn’t know.” She sobbed, collecting herself. “I talked to some of your friends and when I found out they were keeping you locked up I came as quickly as I could.” Suddenly a dark anger fell across Lexis face. “Those pieces of shit. They told me why just a few moments ago.” She breathed deep in a failed attempt to regain composure and fixed Allie with a determined gaze. “Look at me, I promise you I will never, ever let anyone hurt you ever again. We’re sisters. We need to stick together.” For the first time in so long, Allie smiled.

Lexi led her by the hand into the hallway, striding past their screaming mother and then over the crumpled form of their father. Allie gazed in wide-eyed amazement at Lexi. 

“What did you--”

“I went supervillain for you. It was actually pretty easy. As it turns out my powers are really good for inventing. Plus, I know you’d do the same for me. We’re sisters, after all.” Lexi shouldered the door to her former home open, and Allie crossed its threshold for the last time. She breathed in the fresh air slow and deep, and was happy.

SapphicSounds

Hello my lovely readers! Sorry things this chapter were tough. We're coming up on the end soon. But don't worry, we'll be seeing more of Elaine, Allie, Lexi and Sentinel in the future! Keep your eyes peeled, cause I may be doing a voice reading of this chapter as well.

If you wouldn't mind, feel free to check out my Patreon! There you can read the first three chapters of my scifi romance story Complications of Interstellar Dating, which follows Ves, a butch trans woman, and her relationship with her spunky, excitable alien girlfriend, Amaryllis. Perhaps more enticingly, there's a very delicious audio reading of Searching For Normal's full chapter sex scene performed by yours truly (as well as a free sample, if you want to get a feel for it without paying). And lastly, you'll get early access to my writing. You can become a patron for all that, and soon more content here.