Why did DH do that?
Even when TO got back to their private box, feeling foolish and embarrassed, they still wondered how DH could have so easily just stroked their ears in public! Weren't they worried!? Didn’t they know to be careful? As much as TO wanted DH to do things like stroke their ears more, just the idea of the wrong person seeing them made them feel sick!
Of course, it was their own fault, too. They should have had the sense to tell DH just to be careful in public. Still, shouldn’t DH have known that? Weren't they worried they could be separated if the wrong person saw the wrong thing?
Didn’t they know that? Didn’t they care?
That was the thought foremost in TO’s head once DH came back into the box.
“You promised you wouldn’t run off anymore.” DH said, their voice shaking. When TO looked up, they saw DH’s ears pinned back, and their wings out. The aggressive gesture towards them took TO by surprise, but they felt their own ears pin back.
DH was angry? Why was DH angry!?
“I didn’t run off.” TO hissed, “I came here for some privacy, to get away from the civilians-’
“And from me.”
“And to salvage what little reputation we might have after that!” They stood up, and only just bit back the words in their mouth. They took a deep breath. “Why are you angry with me!? I did nothing!”
“Exactly!” DH snapped, though their voice was a little too loud, and people in other boxes could hear them. They were speaking in Synth Speak, so nobody could actually make out what they were saying, but they didn't want to make a fuss. DH lowered their voice. “Exactly.” They said again, “You did nothing… You’re the one who wants their ears touched, who wants to touch me, and the moment I do-”
“Hey now!” TO felt like DH had punched them in the stomach, felt sick, “I always make sure you want to do anything I suggest! I stop the moment you say you’re uncomfortable! I take my time, and I let you lead things entirely in matters of fornication-”
DH’s ears burned blue, but stayed pinned back. “My point is-” They hissed, “That you’re the one who wants it more. You’re the one who wants me to be more affectionate, and when I am, you push me away! So, I really don’t know what you want!” They gave a dry laugh, “I just… Here, I wanted to make things nice for you. I wanted to make you happy. I KNEW you were uncomfortable out there, so I thought maybe that would calm you down-”
“It would have!” TO said, “But we were around all kinds of people! There were cameras! What if we had been seen-”
“What if we had!?” DH clenched their hands into fists, “So what if someone saw us!? We’ve introduced ourselves as mates, and we act as such-”
“What if someone of importance had seen it? What if the insurgency saw it and held it over our heads? Or what if even Ark-1 saw it-”
DH’s ears flattened out in disbelief, “I very much doubt that ark-1 watches cultural news of Arkane-”
“You don’t know that! It’s their job to stay informed, so it’s very possible that they watch it!”
DH gave a growl of frustration. “And if they did? What would happen if they filmed us at that exact moment, and Ark-1 actually noted it? They won’t pull us back now, and they won’t correct us for it now! That would be a massive waste of resources!”
“Maybe not, but we don’t know that! Besides that, I’m doing everything I can to keep us together, to make sure we become retirees! I want to make sure we won’t have to worry about being reprocessed when we get old and sick, and so we won’t be separated!”
“And even if we do all that, it might not work! We might do all this, we might work so hard for nothing!” They took a step forward, “You said that today, you were my mate; nothing more. So can’t you act like that? Can’t you ignore all this just for a little? Can’t we just be with each other? Just for a night?”
“We can when we finish our job.” TO said. The anger was ebbing from them now, slowly, “When we’re done this, and we’re retirees, then we can relax! I’m working so hard to help us! Don’t you see that? Don’t you care?” They took a step forward, feeling tired, and just wanted to let DH hold them for just a minute. “I can’t let them separate us. I won’t.”
“Just like you didn’t let them take GiDi away?”
Time stopped. Ice ran through TO’s veins. The image of GiDi being ushered away down a hallway played in TO’s mind.
They couldn’t keep GiDi from being taken away. That’s why GiDi was most probably an insurgent prisoner now.
If they were torturing GiDi, TO knew that it was their own fault. Clearly, DH knew it too. Was that really why DH was angry? Had they been angry this whole time, and just hiding it?
DH’s ears sunk down, “TO, I-”
“Get out.” TO put their hand on the chair to hold themself up. They were shaking, but they didn’t know if it was from anger or shock or sorrow. Already, the words that DH had spoken seemed to fade quickly into the past. Somehow, it felt not as though they had been spoken only moments ago, but that weeks had already passed.
“No, I won’t.” DH said firmly.
TO could feel tears sting their eyes. They couldn’t get the image of GiDi being pulled away out of their head. They took a deep breath.
“Fine.” They snapped. “I’ll go.” head down, they pushed past DH.
“TO, don’t-”
“Then leave.” TO hissed. Their fists shook at their sides, and they desperately wanted to run. Still, they promised they wouldn’t run away from this stuff. They hadn’t run off the first time - no matter what DH said- they had just needed to get away for a few moments. Now, though… now they needed to be entirely alone.
DH stood before them for another moment before dipping their head, turning around, and leaving the box. The moment they left, the moment the door slid shut on DH’s form, TO lunged forward, pressed the lock function, then just sat on the floor with their back to the door. They pressed their hand to their mouth to muffle their whimpering as they quietly cried.
DH was right. They hadn’t been able to keep GiDi with them despite their best efforts and the lower expectations set upon them, so what made them think they could stay with DH? The idea of them both being retirees, of being protected and allowed to live out their days in each others company as they served King Decon suddenly seemed so pointlessly optimistic, so naïve, so stupid.
Synths don’t live to love. They live to serve.
It was with the quietest voice that TO whispered the words to themself; worlds they would immediately regret and never mention to another soul for as long as they’d live.
“I don’t want to be a synth anymore.”
======
TO wasn’t entirely sure how much time had passed between DH leaving the box and the time they finally felt composed enough to go after them, but the play had started up again. This time, TO wasn’t listening. Every sweet note just reminded them that DH wasn’t here.
They weren’t here because TO told them to leave. They sent them away.
They left the box, and went out to find DH. TO immediately regretted sending them away, but they had been so shocked, so confused, so hurt that they needed to be alone just to let everything wash over them. They still hurt, and mostly they just hated themself now; their idealism, their wasted efforts, and how they sent DH away.
DH didn’t deserve that. If GiDi was their fault, and DH called them out on it, then TO had no right to be angry about it.
They checked the washrooms first, but DH wasn’t there. They checked other doors that led off to other parts of the theater, but they were all locked. Finally, they went back to the lobby. Maybe DH was waiting there, waiting to catch TO when they left.
The lobby was mostly empty. The salesperson who handled the paintings was packing up, and a few people were still leaving the theater. TO didn’t remember DH having the painting in their hands, and they were fairly certain that they didn’t get one before running to find them. TO ran up to the salesperson and purchased a print from them before they were all packed up.
“... Did you see someone who looks a lot like me come through here recently?” TO asked the tall, skinny salesperson, unsure how recently it might have been, or if DH had been through here at all.
“Nah man, I’ve been too busy to pay much mind to anything.” he said. He suddenly stiffened up, fixed their posture, and then spoke in a far more formal tone, “If you wish to find a missing person, I recommend our security station, or local authorities.”
“Oh.. oh nobody’s missing.” TO said, their ears flicking back, “I just-”
“Lloyd, your acting is terrible.” A voice from behind him said, “Just go back to your pictures.”
TO turned around to see who was speaking, and to their surprise it was the woman who played the fortuneteller in the play earlier; a bipedal woman with writhing tendrils on her head and skin so pale it was almost white save for a pink tint. She had on a pair of feathered wings- obviously fake- and a low cut dress.
“Looks like you, wearing a black dress, gorgeous jewelry, and gems in their ear?” she tilted her head, watching TO carefully.
“Yes, that’s the one, their name is -”
“Dee. DH, they told me. Take out your communicator.”
TO was hesitant - they knew little about this actress, and couldn’t be certain that she wasn’t an insurgent. Still, they took out their communicator. She brought up a set of directions on her communicator and tapped her screen to TO’s. The directions transferred over.
“They wanted to leave, but they didn’t want to go home. I didn’t think it was a good idea to have them running around upset, so I told them to go to the bar on your map.” She shrugged, “I know the bartender; Ze’s a good type, and Ze’ll take care of DH.”
TO looked down at the communicator, at the directions that really only led around the corner, and then back to the actress.
“... I’m sorry.” They said, “I… I’m new here. What’s your name again?”
“Melissa. She/Her.” she said with a grin, “You’re Tio. They/them. You’ve had a lovely night with your mate so far, but you had a lovers’ spat now, and they think that you’ll hate them forever because of something they said.” She gave a soft smile, “But that’s not true, is it?”
“I could never hate them. They know that. Anything they said to me… I deserved it.”
“Well… they need to hear that from you. I don’t know what they said, but I know they regret it.”
“Why are you being so nice?” TO couldn’t help but think that she might lead them into a trap. “We don’t know you, so why are you helping us?”
She shrugged as she headed to the door, “Love, I’ve been heartbroken enough times myself to see it playing out, but when I was like that, I didn’t have anyone around to nudge me away from potentially self-destructive behaviours.” She looked away from TO’s face and glimpsed the print in TO’s hand. “Ooh, who did you get?” she asked, redirecting her comment entirely.
“I got your painting. It’s for DH. They’re a fan, and I figured-”
“Excellent! I was hoping you’d say that.” She took a pen out of her tiny purse and held out her hand. “Come on now, let me see.”
TO passed over the painting, more out of curiosity than anything else. They knew how to write, in theory, but they had never actually done it. Watching this civilian let her pen flow effortlessly over the paper to create a mark that was supposed to be her signature was almost a magical event.
“Half the cast uses those awful verified signatures. I hate them. Sure, they have numbers attached to them that’s supposed to make them unique, but they’re not. They look the same.” She pulled out a stick of lipstick, applied a fresh layer on her already red lips, and kissed the painting before passing it back to TO. “Number or no, you’ll never have another print like that.”
Ears down and eyes wide, they carefully put the print back in the protective plastic. “I… Thank you. You have no idea how much DH will love this. How much do I-”
“Nope.” she said as she put her lipstick back in her bag, “Your charge for this gift is finding DH and making things better with them, understood?” She smiled. “Lots of cuddles and comfort, I think. This bar rents some rooms for the feisty, the tired, and the drunk, so maybe take advantage of one of them?”
TO felt their ears burn at the implication, but shrugged, “They might be tired.. It might be best to get some rest.”
“Just… it’ll be fine.” She said, “Couples have fights. I told DH, and I’ll tell you; I very much doubt either of you hate one another.”
TO thanked her again and took off towards the bar that she directed them to. She was right about TO, that they could never hate their lover and DH should have known that by now, but they understood the fear and anxiety that pulled those thoughts out. TO felt it themself right now, and only hoped That Melissa was right about DH’s feelings as well.
