V0: Chapter 0.
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Prologue.
(PVO´s God).
In a distant world a great planet was crumbling, from afar two figures were watching from afar the end of it, one was a black cat and the other was that of a celestial-looking girl which was a god in the world that was being destroyed.
God: ".... and it is the end of another world" –The girl said indifferently since for her it was not very surprising that the world decayed until it disappeared, the cat did not take long to respond to what she said.
?????? : "Yes, that's right, and now what is Alicie-sama going to create?" –The cat asked with great interest in the decision that the girl would make since she would accompany the goddess forever.
Alice: "nothing my little Linn!" –Alice exclaimed at the top of her lungs answering Linn's question.
Linn: "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat ?!" –Linn was surprised by Alice's words.
Alicie: "if you already heard, I'm going on vacation!" –Alice decided, after all, in her long life she was always working for the existence of the world.
Linn: "Alice-sama that is very irresponsible if there is no one who creates a new world it means that new souls will not be born or will be able to reincarnate and the space between the worlds will collapse due to the lack of their world!" –Linn said with concern.
Alice: "no! I already created and managed more than enough worlds for too long so much that I no longer even remember when was the last time I rested" –speaking with a voice full of frustration.
Linn: "but then what will he do?"
Alice: "...... ?????".
Alicie thought what her next moves would be for the future, she knew she couldn't leave the world alone without someone in charge, after a few hours an idea crossed her head which put an evil smile on her face.
Alice: "I know!"–scream.
Linn: "* swallowing * I don't like that smile" –showing a face full of bad memories.
Linn: "(the last time she had that smile she tortured me for millennia and I couldn't sleep for the next thousand years due to the trauma)" –thinking about her past experiences with Alicie which left a great trauma in her mind.
At the same time that Linn was reliving ancient horrors from her past, Alice set her eyes on an existence that she could not ignore, what she would do would cause a great change that the gods would not ignore, beings of all kinds would make a decision and the final preparations for A war that has been fought for millennia will be given by placing whoever Alice was observing at the center of everything, this being was just a mere mortal at this very moment but for Alice it was a great source of inexhaustible entertainment.
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You have an above average understanding of the English language and how it should be structured, however the flow and word choice of this prologue, I feel, is very... unrefined? I think more practice will do wonders for your writing. Punctuation also needs to be improved, and it reads a little like formal writing. The only other recommendation I can give you is to read some of the better novels on this website. Azarinth Healer, He who Fights with Monsters, Healer, AnimeCon Harem (very 18+, but excellent example of metaphors), and The Hidden World are all webnovels I would highly recommend you read to improve your writing. When reading, you should ask yourself "Why does this work?", or "Why does this feel so pleasant to read?". Lastly, I am not writing this to be mean or because I think you suck at writing. I am writing this because you seem to be new to either writing, or this website, and if you enjoy it, I truly hope you can become better at it.
This looks to be written in several styles and tenses; however, your estimation of the author's 'above average understanding of the English language' is too generous. Just 'average' would suffice, since the lack of proper and coordinated structure is severely hampering the flow of the wording and the story.
Honestly, it looks like a translated text from whatever original language to English.
The 'Alice: (she speaks) and the author repeats the name after speaking' is completely superfluous, even if written as a script. Either one or the other should be removed.
With just this severely small sample size of text, most readers can tell that it will be a difficult read to get through. I actually am not sure what the point of this 'chapter' was, to be honest. It could have been handled with two or three sentences to set up the story.
Linn: "but then what plow?"
What's this mean? What's it referring to? There's no context for 'plow'.
@Bokuboy Harsh, but true. I think my above average estimation was based on a lot of the other webnovels I have read on this site, and in general, you would be correct with your evaluation of simply "average." You were also able to bring up some good points that I noticed but couldn't seem to identify or clearly articulate, such as the comparison to a script. The difference in experience shows. Also, big fan of "Summoned Again?". I've gotta go and finish reading that one at some point.
PS: The author of this joined Scribblehub, today. While that doesn't have to mean anything, he's probably very new to this as a whole.
@LoRezInferno I'd rather be honest than lie, then hope it's taken as the advice it's meant to be.
It's around the same readability as some of the prolific wuxia and xanxia novels being translated. The problem is, they all need editors (as does this); but, there's so much content available, they spend more time just translating it instead of refining it for easier consumption.
I'll hope the author gets better with more writing (even if it's being translated). The more you do, the better you get, if you work at it. ?
The author can always come back and edit it later, too.
Omoshiroi
Thanks for the chapter
good start
Why r these comments SOOOOO LONG
Maybe they don't want to see a new update?
nice.