Hazy images fill my mind, memories fading fast. A tall woman with vibrant green eyes that almost seemed to shimmer as she loomed over me. Flashes of color and shapes hovering over me as an odd warmth slips its way deep into my bones. The memory of the feeling was weird, but the thought left me with an odd satisfaction. Not wanting to wake up just yet, I attempt to chase the dream back into sleep futilely. My eyes slip closed and I shift from lying on my back to my side. My eyes snap open at the unfamiliar feeling I almost didn’t notice.

My brain plays catch up as my breath hitches. I freeze in fear, not daring to move a muscle. As the silence and darkness stretches on, my brain latches onto the sensations. Multiple new sensations, and many missing ones. Struggling against my mind, I build my resolve to get up. A monumental task on any normal day, but today it felt like an impossible one. Slowly, I get the nerve to sit up. Several parts of my body feel off as I do so, but only one area shifts in response.

Dawning panic approaching, I stand up quickly and reach for my closet door. The inside has a large mirror in it I never liked to use or even see. My hand hesitates on the handle for a second too long before pulling the closet open wide and looking into the mirror.

It’s dark, but I can tell that a girl is looking back at me. I panic, averting my eyes downward and stuttering back a step. As soon as my eyes are looking downwards though, I forget the girl in the mirror. Instead, I can see that my clothes are about a size or two too big for my body and that two relatively large mounds sit on my chest. Relatively large compared to the nonexistent chest I had just yesterday, that is. I rip my gaze away from the chest and stumble my way towards the light by my bedroom door. I can feel the bumping motion of my new chest jumping slightly with every rushed step, and my anxiety grows.

Flipping the light on, I get back to the mirror. My pace slows enough that it doesn’t jump as much. The thought brings a prominent blush to my face. I know because as I approach the mirror and look towards the girl that looks back, I can see the blush. Finally able to take stock of my body, I can’t help but gawk for a second. I’m so shocked by it, I forget about the eye contact for a second and lean closer to look straight into her face. My face.

My body is beautiful. My hair is much longer, reaching down to my shoulder blades easily. Now that I’m not focused on my chest, I notice the sensation of hair moving around on my shoulders. Before tonight it had been short and unkempt, but my hair looked mostly untouched now. The traces of bedhead were minor and could be easily brushed out. It’s also a much brighter light auburn color instead of the dull brown it had been before. It’s so red, actually, that it almost reminds me of my mom’s hair. Her hair is bright red, whereas this new hair of mine is almost like a mixture of her hair color and my old hair color.

My eyes seem to have changed color too. The dark brown of the irises had given way to a softer amber that seemed to pair well with the auburn color of my hair. Studying my face though, the facial structure had changed in some ways too. I couldn’t think of what had changed specifically, but I looked different. Softer jawline, softer face, longer eyelashes maybe. I reached up to marvel about how different I looked, but I gasped as I felt my cheek. Much softer face. I stroked my cheeks in wonder as my eyes searched my face gently. Suddenly noticing my hands though, I retract them from my face so I can get a close look at them.

Hands are genuinely unremarkable body parts most of the time, but I looked at these hands and, even though I could tell they were just hands, they felt beautiful. They seemed longer, but maybe that’s just because they’re more slender. The nails are neatly trimmed about as short as they could be. My gaze followed along my fingers towards my hands and eventually up to my arms.

I had none of the muscle I had before. Just looking at my arms, I could tell that they were much softer. They seemed smaller, but more than that they looked softer too. There was none of the same lingering body hair that I used to have, and running a tentative finger across it just confirmed that all of my skin was just about as soft as my face was. Making it to the base of my arm and to my shoulder, my gaze ran to my chest once more. My blush only grew more intense as my mind raced to think about something else.

Looking past that and downward, my eyes scan my stomach and hips. I look back up and into the mirror, twisting my torso to either side as I do so. Before I had a rather blocky stature, with broader shoulders. I would have described myself as a little pudgy at the very least, Deposits of fat here and there. Not unhealthy amounts. I kept a small amount of that in this new body, but I still looked rather lean, all things considered.

As I’m twisting my torso, I pull my shirt up. I stop pulling it up around my midsection, my breath slowing and my arms not daring to go higher. I look at my stomach and while there isn’t much to look at, I can finally see the well-defined curves of my body. I twist again, still not sure how to feel about this. As I twist my body all the way around and look over my shoulder, I can finally see my back. My pants are sagging heavily, threatening to fall down. They’re too big, and I think it’s my slightly more rounded curvature that really holds them up at this point; as embarrassing as it is to note.

As I move to pull my pants up gently, a mark on my lower back catches my eye. A splotchy patch of skin in the loose shape of a bird. A birthmark. My mind seems to freeze in that instant, racing to understand the implications. It’s my birthmark. Although I’ve been inhabiting this body since I woke up and since this is my room, it hadn’t occurred to me that this body was really me.

I drop the shirt, hands falling limply to the sides. My eye contact with the birthmark falls, but it doesn’t matter because I turn my head forward and away from the mirror. I don’t have control of my legs as they let out underneath me. I fall to my knees and then subsequently onto my butt, letting out a large thud, as my vision begins to shake violently. My surroundings get hard to make out as I try to focus, and suddenly everything goes blurry. I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the tears pooling in the corners of my eyes trail their way down my face.

Quiet sobs wrack my body as I pull my knees into myself. I can feel myself shaking as it gets hard to breathe, my voice hitching with a sob every so often. I feel the panic and dread sink deep into my soul as I scoot back towards the closet. The room feels bigger, my surroundings warping as they loom over me. I can feel myself hyperventilating, too little breath quickly turning worse. Despite the quick breaths, none of the air seems to help and I feel my head spin. My head twitches from side to side, looking around. I catch sight of someone looking at me over my shoulder. Their pupils are pin pricks as they look on in horror and panic. I’m sure some logical part of my mind caught onto the fact that it’s a mirror, but in my hazy fear I don’t know if it would have mattered if I knew.

Rushed footsteps outside my door get my attention just enough that my vision stops blurring with tears, my eyes still vibrating in my skull. My breathing is still fast and my head feels light, like I’m about to pass out. A knock rings through the door, the voice that speaks through it tinged with fear and worry.

“Daniel? Danny? Are you okay?” The voice is that of my sister, Elaine. I can hear a gentle thud of the door frame as the door shifts deeper into the frame. She’s leaning against it to listen for me. I’m able to take in a gasping breath as my head gets fuzzy from holding in a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in.

“Danny, was that you?” She asks, voice hesitant as she waits a couple more seconds before speaking again. “Are you nonverbal? Can you just give me a knock or two on the wall so I know you’re okay?”

Her words leak through whatever haze I’m in, my attention focused on my breathing for a second. It’s getting hard to think, and if I don’t get my breathing under control, I’m going to pass out. After a couple shaky attempts at my normal breathing exercises, I come to my senses enough to knock twice at the closet door next to me. I can hear a sigh of relief from the door to my room; fear still tinting her tone, but not as much as before.

“Oh, thank god.” I can hear a louder thump and then subsequent sliding sound from the door to my room. “Is everything okay, Danny? One for no, two for yes.”

I can feel my breath steadying, my eyes beginning to slow down as I stare toward my doorway. I try to focus on my breathing, but anytime my attention drifts back inwards I can feel the panic taking grip. Instead, I turn my attention to her, latching onto her words like a life raft to keep me afloat. Tentatively, I raise my fist to the door and knock once. My hand hovers over the door, my mind urging me to make another knock, but as long as I’m focused on Elaine’s worried tone, my mind won’t let me.

A surge of concern edges into her tone once more as she asks the next question. “Are you hurt?” I can hear more rustling and the sound of a worried listener pressing her ear to the door.

Two knocks reply, and the concern in her tone ebbs away to caution.

“Is… is there something you’re worrying about?”

I glance down at my body for only a moment, panic clutching at my senses eagerly as I flick my gaze back to the door and knock twice quickly. There’s a couple seconds of tense silence as I measure my breath as best I can. I can feel the fear ebb, panic still reaching out from somewhere distant in my mind. The worst of the panic attack is over, but I don’t see myself feeling over it anytime soon.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

If the panic was reaching towards me from the back of my mind, I could feel a sea of calm laid out in front of me. I desperately wanted to talk to her. I reach over and knock twice instinctively, before realizing what I’d just signed myself up for. There’s a shuffle of activity by the door and a loud click as I hear the lock on the door click open.

“I’m coming in, ‘kay?” My brain catches up and senses come into focus. Fearful panic coming back in waves as I pull myself to my feet shakily and I rush towards the door. I see it creak open as I approach before slamming my body into it. All of my muscles are shaking, my bodyweight the only real reason that I could bolster the strength necessary to close the door.

“What the- Danny?” Elaine attempts to open the door, and it thumps against my back as I lean against it. “Do you not want me to come in?” Her tone is cautious and questioning. I knock my knuckles against the door, letting out one knock. I wanted her to come in, but I wasn’t ready. I knew in the building pit of dread deep in my gut, that my family would find out, eventually. I just had no idea what to do. She seems to consider the response before asking another question. “Are you not decent?”

The image of a slender and graceful figure, unclothed, flashes across my mind. Gentle curves, soft skin, dainty pose, and a look of burning passion deep in her almost shining amber eyes. I hadn’t seen what I looked like naked yet exactly, but my mind seemed to fill in several blanks I wasn’t prepared for. I could feel my face get hot as I tried to push the lingering thought out of my mind. I slammed my left fist into the door as a negative response, startling my sister from the other side and sending stinging pain up into my hand. I let out a soft cry of pain, pulling my hand to my mouth and gently caressing the injury. As the soft skin touches my lips, easing the stinging, I hear a confused voice from the other side of the door.

“D… Danny? Was that…” She seems to linger on the word ‘you’, almost like asking was too confusing. “Was that you?” She finally continues. I take one more deep breath, ignoring the lingering sting of pain in my left hand as I drop it to my side and instead pull myself up. I raise my right hand this time, standing facing the door. I bite down the panic as it settles into my mind once more and I knock twice on the door. I turn the knob and pull the door open just a little. I shakily run back to my bed and jump into it, pulling covers around me.

After a few seconds, she seems to take the hint at my invitation inside and I hear the door creak open. She steps warily into the room, looking at me directly as she turns the corner. As soon as her eyes lock onto mine, I drop my gaze to the floor, not even able to look her in the eye as she no doubt looks me over. I had pulled my covers around to cover my body, but my head was visible. And with it, my hair. My now reddish-brown, beautiful, long, auburn hair.

As the seconds drag on, I hear my sister finally moving. I look up in fear towards her, but she isn’t looking at me anymore. She’s moving around the room as if she’s looking for something before finally laying her eyes back on me, seemingly not finding whatever she had been looking for. Maybe she was looking for me.

“Danny?” she asks, less worry now and just straight confusion. I can feel more tears brimming at the edges of my eyes, but I strain to keep them open and just look at the ground. I barely nod my head in response, not bothering to look at whatever reaction she was making. I feel my bed shift beside me and my head pivots to look in that direction. She had sat right next to me, still looking straight at my face. The confusion in her eyes softening as I stare at her with fear, apprehension, and panic racing through my mind.

I open my mouth to speak, but my voice just catches in my throat. The panic had silenced me as it always does. I close my mouth, unsure of what I would have said even if I could say anything. I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder through the bedsheet and I just look down at it. She’s stroking my shoulder gently. Even after seeing me like this, she was still trying to comfort me. That broke the dam as I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. My sight went blurry, and I dropped the blanket covering me.

Elaine looked surprised as I turned to embrace her, heavy sobs wracking my body as tears flowed freely down my face. I was almost too busy crying to notice how after several seconds her hands found purchase around me, sliding up and down my back soothingly. I continued to cry; the cry coming out faint, but effeminate. I heard Elaine’s voice join my own pained cries, gently comforting me. Hushed “shhh’s” and soft platitudes whispered into my ear.

It felt like I cried forever, but eventually the tears stopped flowing and the sobs turned to mewling hiccups as the last of the sadness leaked away from me. Elaine gently pulled me away from her and I didn’t resist, allowing her to move me and helping her by pulling my arms back. As we pulled back, I could see faint tear stains on her own face, the light of the room giving them a small shine. It was in contrast to the gentle smile she wore. Confusion still danced somewhere in her eyes, but the primary thing I could see in her eyes was the lingering edges of concern. Finally able to see my full body, her eyes danced across it, taking me in. I fidgeted nervously, looking away from her eyes.

“So, uh… Danny? You look…” I glanced over to her as she trailed off. My eyes make the briefest of contact with hers before I look down. What I had sensed when I looked briefly, was that mirth? “Good. You look good.” She finishes and my head snaps back to hers. I couldn’t see it, but I could imagine my eyes dilating to pin pricks once more. My face went red hot, and the imagined thought of my body dared to creep up on my subconscious. I balked slightly, raising my hands to my cheeks and turning my gaze downwards to temper the rising emotions. I could hear gentle laughs from beside me as I tried desperately to focus my mind on something other than the debilitating blush I was sporting. After a few seconds, I could rein my mind in, a deep pink hue no doubt still somewhat present on my cheeks.

There are a couple of seconds of tense silence as I listen to the sound of my rapidly thumping heartbeat. It was so loud it would surprise me if Elaine couldn’t hear it. I heard a cleared throat beside me and I glanced in her direction, not daring to meet her eyes this time. I just looked at her, focusing on her hands or her mouth; anything that isn’t the eyes. As I look at her hands, just trying to get my mind in check, she drops her head into my sightline and looks back up at me. I avert my eyes again and she straightens back up.

“So… Um, Danny. Is this, like, a wig, then?” Elaine reaches forward gently and I stare at the hand. She pauses just before my hair, waiting for me to stop her. I don’t.

She eventually reaches out and feels my hair and I feel her touching it. She looks surprised as she feels it, raising her other hand up to it and running her fingers through it. The fingers tug gently at my scalp, catching only briefly in the few tangles contained within. I reach up and feel the opposite side doing the same. I startle gently at how soft it is. Like the rest of my body, my hair is soft and kinda fluffy. The gentle feeling of my hair on my soft fingers sends slight shocks and tingles down my arm. The feeling that reaches my mind is almost electric. It’s a pleasant feeling of contentment and wonder, brightens my mind.

The panic fades away a little as I turn that wonder towards my equally amazed sister. She’s looking at my hair in an abject sense of fascination. She notices my head turn and with that wonder she meets my gaze. Her gaze flicks from the hair to my eyes several quick moments before her eyes seem to widen and she leans in towards me. I lean back, averting my eyes nervously. I don’t move my head, but she seems to stare deeply into my eyes. There it is, that searching, inquisitive look again. Eventually she leans back and I relax the small amount of tense muscles from leaning so far away from her.

“You’re so small. Is that really you?” She asks, still gazing at me. I look down, ignoring the… mounds intruding on my gaze, and just look at my hands as I wring the hem of my shirt gently. I nod, still not recovered enough to use my voice. Judging by my crying though, it sounds like I won’t be prepared to hear it no matter how much I calm down. “And your skin…” She reaches out a hand and runs it down my arm. The act sends more electric tingles into my spine and makes me blush more. “What happened?” She asks. I look into her eyes, hoping that she might see something that I can’t. I try my hardest to look at her, my gaze flicking away constantly as my stress builds and the unease creeps up.

She pulls her hands up to my face and turns my head down. She starts gently brushing my hair and I let out a breath. “You don’t have to force yourself to answer me verbally, okay? You can just sign it.” I raise my hands up to my face gently. I’d been so concerned about the answer, I had briefly forgotten that I even could.

I gently raised my hand to my forehead and quickly gesture the sign for “don’t know.” She nods her head in response, still stroking my hair gently. I can feel threads of exhaustion and stress being pulled away from me with every brush through. I eventually fall forward, no longer wishing to hold myself composed anymore. I’m so tired and exhausted and I don’t know how to deal with this.

Elaine doesn’t make any fuss as I settle myself in her lap. I don’t bother looking back up at her for any clue into how she’s taking this, I could guess that she’s still confused. Things like this just don’t happen for no reason. In fact, things like this don’t happen for any reason either. As I catch my breath, I can feel the panic finally receding from my mind.

Elaine knows. Elaine knows and she didn’t freak out. She’s here helping me calm down despite the fact that I’m not even Danny as far as she can tell. The slipping panic gives way to a gentle melancholy tinged comfort. I can feel gentle tears flowing once more, but no sobs this time.

She lets me cry into her lap, continuing to stroke my hair as I do.