Consultation 102.

“Greetings God Waifus, it is a pleasure to meet you. Did you enjoy your extended vacation?”

“Why are you here?”

“Why am I here? Did you already forget what my title is?”

“Of course I know your title, Goddess of Shitty Orientation Training, I met you when I first became a God. What I don’t get is why you booked a consultation with me.”

“After being on vacation for so long I’m naturally here to provide you with refresher training to make sure you haven’t gotten rusty and are still able to fulfill your obligations to your clientele.”

“Refresher training? What a pain in the ass, I’m a professional, I don’t need something as pointless as that.”

“If you’re that confident then this should be a walk in the park for you.”

“Of course it will be. Anyway, what sort of problems do you have for me as part of this refresher training?”

“We’ll make it simple, I’ll give you three scenarios in total and I’ll evaluate your condition based upon the advice you provide. You will be scored out of 100 for convenience.”

“Okay, I got it. What’s the first one?”

“The first scenario is a client booking a consultation with you to ask you how she can make her boyfriend pay more attention to her. What sort of advice would a God with your specialization give her?”

“Well, if she wants her boyfriend to notice her more she’s probably insecure and lacks confidence in herself. If she wants her boyfriend to pay more attention to her, contrary to what she might believe, she actually needs to make him notice the lack of her presence in his life rather than her constantly sticking close to him like glue. Rather than pushing herself on him aggressively, she should take a step back and put some distance between each other. Simply put, she needs to push thoughts of him to the back of her mind and live her own life. People only begin to realize what they had when it’s gone. When something becomes scarce and rare, only then do they truly begin to appreciate what it is actually worth. Nobody truly cares for or remembers every bland little pebble littered along the roadside, they only care for the oh so rare and valuable diamond hidden in the rough.”

“I see. I see. Not a bad answer…” She looked at me oddly with pen in hand while scribbling down a few notes with a frown on her face.

“Was there something wrong with my answer?”

“No… there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with it. Let’s move on.”

“Okay.”

“The second scenario I have for you is; a client books a consultation with you and wants to know how she can make more friends. What sort of advice would a God with YOUR specialization give her?”

“If she just wants to make friends then she can start by finding people with similar interests as her. If she wants friends in the real world who she can actually talk to in person she just needs to attend events related to the things she is interested in. To find those kinds of events, she would just need to do a bit of searching online. If you’re attending those sorts of events, you’re bound to find people with similar interests with who you could strike up a conversation with some small talk. For example, overhearing someone say something when passing by them and saying, ‘OMG I love XYZ too!’ She can even follow up with compliments about the other person she’s speaking to.”

“As long as you have something in common that you both enjoy and are knowledgeable in, to some degree, the conversations are bound to flow naturally. Even if you’re not the most knowledgeable, you can take on the position of a student learning from someone more well versed in the subject. This is especially the case if it’s something you’re both really passionate about. If she’s not good at talking herself, then getting the other party to talk more while putting herself in the listener position and occasionally asking questions is ideal for her. People also feel flattered when someone is actively listening to them and actually care about what they have to say. In such a manner, becoming friends is only natural.”

“I… see… Hmm. Yes, I suppose so.” Tapping her finger on the desk, she didn’t look convinced. She was eyeing me like she wanted to say something but held herself back.

“Did I get something wrong?”

“Well… no. Nothing, never mind me. Evaluation and any critique for your answers will be left for the end. Let’s just get to the last scenario. A client books a consultation with you and she explains how much she loves animals but they always run away or show aggression toward her. She’d like to know how to get animals to soften up around her. What sort of advice would the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus give her?”

“I see, so animals have an innate aversion toward her and she wants them to like her. Is that right?”

“Well, it’s up to your interpretation of the scenario as the GOD OF SHITTY LIFE COUNSELING FOR DEFECTIVE WASHED UP WAIFUS I suppose.”

“Okay… Then, if she would like animals to like her she just needs to show them she means no harm. She should first approach them bearing food with her hands fully visible to the animal. She needs to appear open and not intimidating in the slightest. If she can, she needs to make herself as small, compact, and weak looking as possible. Stay lower to the ground submissively and wear light clothing so the animal can be sure she isn’t hiding some sort of weapon that may threaten them. If the animal shows aggression, she needs to ensure she does not retaliate. If bitten don’t pull away or hit it. She needs to let the animal realize it’s not in any danger and that there is no need to fight or fear for its life. Once she does that-”

Snap!

The pen in Goddess of Shitty Orientation Training’s hand snapped in two interrupting my answer midway through.

“Uh… is something wrong?”

“Is something wrong? You have the nerve to ask me if there is something wrong! What the hell is this? What are these normie answers? Zero points out of one hundred! Zero! I’ve never had such abysmal results for refresher training! You’re beyond rusty from a vacation! It’s like you’ve completely forgotten how to do your job! Are you even really the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus? Are you a double or stand-in for him? Who the hell are you really? If it is you, what the hell happened while you were on vacation for all this time? Are you in a bloody slump or something?”

“These are the sorts of answers someone in your area of specialization should be giving, you fool! In the first scenario, you should advise your client to tie up her boyfriend in a chair and start fucking his brains out. While mid fucking his brains out she can take out the decapitated head of the girl he shot a fleeting glance from the corner of his eye, checking her out when they were on a walk together from the bag beside the chair she’s fucking him on before she mounts it to the wall and uses it as a decorative ornament to liven up the room a bit.”

“In the second scenario, you should advise your client to use money to blackmail people into being her friend. She can slap them across the face with fat stacks of cash telling them if they don’t want anything bad to happen to their parents they should be her friend. They wouldn’t want their family or friends around them losing their jobs or being moved away to someplace out in the boonies for work after all. If the people they loved around them also started to mysteriously die, it would truly be unfortunate as well.”

“Then the last scenario should be blatantly obvious, you dolt! She wanted animals to SOFTEN up around her! How can you miss such a keyword and think she wants the animals to like her? Are you stupid or just daft, man? It was the easiest question of all three yet you miraculously failed with flying colors and didn’t get a single point! What you should have advised her to do was shoot the damn animals with a gun from far away so they wouldn’t even have a chance to run or be aggressive toward her. If she wanted to keep the body intact, just use a tranquilizer gun, simple. That degenerate bitch could then easily cook them whole to soften up the meat and have sex with them however she wanted to. Shouldn’t the true meaning of this scenario not be blatantly obvious to someone like you?”

“Ah. Now that you mention it... What the hell is with my answers and how I interpreted your questions? Have I actually lost my touch? Wait, could it be because of that long dream I had while on vacation? Did I maybe subconsciously regain a bit of my faith in some of these lower dimensional beings after observing that one in my dream who was taking care of one of my clients?”

“I see. So it really is you and not someone acting in your place. It seems you’ve fallen into a work slump because of how long you were on vacation. If it’s like this, you won’t be able to handle your clients’ requests properly. If all it took was a little vacation to make you lose your way, it seems the Heaven division has been a bit too easy for you. It looks like we’ll need to transfer you over to the Hell division for some re-education. Only the worst of the worst clients are handled in our Hell division. If you thought your clients were bad in the Heaven division… heh, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

“What? Hell division? Wait, no way. My clients aren’t anything compared to the Hell division?”

“Of course. It’s a very small division that handles clients whom even the most benevolent, happy-go-lucky, Gods cannot forgive.”

“No. You can’t do this.”

“Yes. Yes, I can.”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“Please have mercy! I don’t wanna! Let me try again! Give me some different scenarios, I’m sure I can pass if we try again. I was just rusty before! That’s all, I swear.”

“I’m sorry, but it is too late for that. There are no second chances here.”

She snapped her fingers and before I knew it, she was gone. I was in my office, however, I could tell the environment was different.

I walked over to the window at the side and opened it cautiously. Outside, there were fiery twisters spinning up high into the sky. There were lower-dimensional degenerates fucking out in the open, large orgies everywhere as far as the eye could see. Large flaming balls of fire rained down and occasionally crashed into these groups, burning them to death as they shrieked in pain as they fucked each other senseless. After their bodies turned to ash, they reformed again due to the formation of a new branch in timelines where they survived and weren’t burnt to cinders. This sort of cycle repeated itself over and over again, but they just kept fucking away in their orgies as if the excruciating pain of being turned to dust was nothing more than a slight tickle.

I sucked in a long breath of the scorching hot air before I eventually breathed out a sigh, “Phew. She actually had me a bit scared. I was expecting worse than this. The Hell division honestly doesn’t seem as bad as I thought it would be.”