Consultation 107.

“God, I have a competitor who is trying to inhibit my grand ambition to stalk every person in the world? How do I crush these bastards who are greatly impacting my endless supply of candid feet pics?”

Oh, great, someone who wants to stalk everyone in the world for feet pics but is being hindered by a competitor. How original? I certainly haven’t heard that one before.

“So, just to make sure we’re on the same page. Your main concern is being cut off from the candid feet pics of the users on your platform? Is that right?”

“Yes. Precisely. This is very concerning for me, God. It will greatly affect how much money my business can make through the sale of these feet pics to my fellow perverted stalkers.”

“I see. That does sound quite concerning,” you creepy fucking degenerate.

“Concerning? Tell me about it! What am I supposed to do when I can’t get some of those good old feet pics when they’re sitting in the toilet, or in the shower, or when they’re in bed sleeping, or even having sex? What will I do when I no longer have the ability to know what the difference between their feet when they’re taking a shit, pissing, or masturbating looks like? Well, God? What then? My entire world will come crumbling down if I don’t know all of that information! My entire purpose for being born was exactly for this! How can those bastards interfere in my raison d’être, the entire reason I was born into this world!”

“If not anything else, you are certainly passionate about this.”

“Of course I’m passionate about this! Whether you’re picking your nose or sticking it up your ass to pick off some crusty shit before you wipe it on your feet, I want to see it! How your feet looks before, during, and after you’ve done it! I want to see it all! Everything! EVERYTHING, GOD! ALL OF IT! ALLLLL OF IT! Do you understand, God! Do you understand these fiery flames of passion housed within my flesh and blood coursing through my veins?”

“Haaaaah. Yes. Certainly. You are quite the high caliber woman to be dedicated to such a noble cause.” To be more specific, a person far beyond just being a creepy fuck, an immeasurably out-of-touch with reality disgusting woman who’s completely lost her mind.

On an instinctive impulse, I unconsciously took out my phone to delete an app that I didn’t even have on it.

“Oh, God has a phone?”

“Ah… yeah.”

“Oh, that reminds me, I almost forgot my other objective in booking a consultation with you. It saves me a bit of trouble if you Gods already have phones. You see, for a while I’ve been thinking of expanding the business. While I’m here, can I perhaps interest you in downloading a really popular app?”

“Uh… no thanks. I’ll pass. I’m not too... savvy… or particularly interested in those fancy apps.” 

“Oh, God isn’t good with technology?”

“No… I’m not…” Of course I am! 

“If that’s the case I don’t mind giving you some lessons. I’m sure you will be good at it in no time and on my app every single passing second of your existence.”

“Uh, that’s really all right. I’m not very interested in fancy technologies. I’m content with my dial-up internet and GodSpace account.” For fuck sakes, I’m a bloody God of all things. If I was bad with technology I’d be a laughing stock. Just take the hint already, you creepy fuck! I don’t want any part in your sketchy stalker app or website! As for GodSpace, I would rather be dead than ever be caught using it.

“Did you just say… GodSpace?”

“Yeah.”

“Peh. Why are you happy with a platform with such an idiotic name? Why not try out our platform, GodBook instead? It is so so much better than anything you’re getting out of GodSpace. My company has been working very hard to expand in recent years, and after much effort, we were able to innovate and create GodBook, a platform that aims to bridge the gap between gods and mortals. As for GodSpace? With our high ability to innovate and adapt to the constantly changing landscape, my company will gradually take up more and more of their market space until we eventually acquire and subsidize them in a full market takeover. It won’t be long before your GodSpace disappears and you’ll no longer have a platform for your voice to be heard. Since that is the case, you should just consider coming over to GodBook so you can prepare for when GodSpace is inevitably shut down and the users all move over to GodBook in droves as the only other viable alternative.”

“I understand your passion, but I’m really satisfied at the moment. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.”

“Tch. If even after hearing all of that you still aren’t convinced, no matter how wrong I may think you are to not let me see your feet- Ehem, excuse me. What I meant to say was, I suppose I’ll just have to respect your decision to not join my new revolutionary and innovative platform if you’re still not sold on the idea.”

“Right…”

“Haaaaaah. So anyway God, there’s actually one other problem I have aside from my competitor and I was wondering if you could also help me with it.”

“There’s still more?” Are you kidding me? Do I look like I’m running a buy one, get one free promotion here?

“Yes, there is one other thing.”

“And… what exactly is this one about?”

“You see, over the years we have perfected the art of candid feet pics. With the advancement of technology, things like heat maps of feet, where we can record the entire temperature distribution profile of a person’s feet have become possible. Hell, with the new lidar technology, we can even record the precise measurements of their feet. From the inclination, slope, arches, moles, or foot fungus on each individual foot. You name it, and we probably recorded it. All the way down to the finest detail where each individual hair on the foot in question can be meticulously recorded. But…”

Creepy! So fucking creepy! Why the hell do you need all of that information damn it!

“Go on... I’m listening.” In disgust, of course. I didn’t show it though and opted to maintain a professional business smile. This was the type of creepy mortal I absolutely didn’t want to get on the wrong side of. If I did, who knew what sort of creep shots she’d try to take of my feet in secret.

“Well, I want to really push the boundaries of what we know as candid feet pics. I want to know even more about everyone’s feet. EVEN MORE! I need more information or I just can’t feel at ease. With current technology, it just isn’t possible to easily obtain all the data.”

“Just what more data do you want,” you fucking freak!

“Smell and taste! I want to be able to reconstruct everything down to the smell and taste of their feet. That way I can reconstruct it perfectly so I can even lick and breathe their feet without even being near them. I want to be together with the feet of all the people in the world all at once. It’ll be wonderful, God. Do you understand?”

“Yes… I… understand.” I nearly threw up in my mouth a little, but I definitely understood that you’ve taken the art of stalking and transcended to an entirely new level beyond it. I don’t think there is a name for what you’re doing. It’s so far beyond creepy that a word for it hasn’t been invented yet. Congratulations on being something the world doesn’t have a name for yet.

“Well then, God? How do I solve the most pressing problems of my time?”

I took a deep breath in before I slowly exhaled out.

“Well… your problems aren’t actually very difficult to solve. In fact, it only takes one solution for you to deal with both problems. You can easily hit two birds with one stone.”

“Oh? That sounds like quite a lucrative solution. Just what is it, God?”

“Smart shoes.”

“Smart… shoes… you say?”

“Yes. It’s nothing new and you’ve naturally heard of them before. Though they are not necessarily that widely adopted in your world at present, that can easily change if your company is the one behind them. Currently, they’re used to analyze health, fatigue, posture, steps, and calories. They create precise data for improving health and preventing injuries. But, they have the potential for so much more than what they are currently being utilized to do.”

“If your company started its own smart shoe line, just think of the possibilities. With how big your company is, if you push and promote it through your platform and manipulate popular opinion the way you love to do so with the psychological games you often play, it wouldn’t be difficult to make it catch on.”

“As it is a smart shoe, having embedded sensors in it is just common sense. As such, you can easily insert sensors in the shoe that secretly record information for smell as well as the chemical composition of their sweat to find out how the wearer’s foot tastes. You can encrypt it then transmit it via Bluetooth to the phone before it is all sent back to your company without your competitor ever being the wiser to what sort of data is actually being transmitted. You’d effectively be creating a back door through the use of external hardware by utilizing an object that most, if not all people use on a daily basis. The inauspicious shoe, a Trojan horse they will never see coming.”

“...” she looked back at me, not saying a single word.

“Well? Are you not going to say anything? What do you think? Are you satisfied with the solution to your problems?”

“Am I... satisfied? How could I not be satisfied? Genius… It's absolutely fucking genius, God! God, would you please work at my company? I know you said you’re not very savvy with technology, but that’s fine! Just because you’re not good at using it doesn’t mean you aren’t able to innovate or understand the concept of it!”

“Uh... sorry... I don’t think I’d fit in very well.”

“Say nothing of the sort! God, you are clearly someone who understands my vision if you can come up with such a simplistic solution to all my problems in the short amount of time we’ve been speaking. Those damn useless things at my company came up with such moronic ideas that I was really in a bind. They said to go with the standard smear campaign, but how are you supposed to justifiably smear something that’s going to make people’s data more secure? Those irreconcilable idiots I hired made me waste so much money on propaganda for nothing! Hmmph! Just what the hell did those morons mean by our competitor was employing ‘anti-competitive market tactics?’ I’ve never seen such blatant incompetence before. Absolute rubbish. The fact they couldn’t think of something easy like smart shoes… haaaaaah… I can only lament over their immense lack of vision. If only I had a true visionary such as you working for me, God.”

“Again, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got my hands full enough as it is already.” I’m not a creepy stalker or whatever you’re supposed to be, please leave me out if your weird candid feet pics operations.

“Haaaaaaah. Such a shame. To think there was such an amazing talent among the gods. It’s true what they say, there’s always someone above you.”

“Anyway, I’m pretty busy with my own work. If your concerns have all been addressed-”

“I’ll see myself out now. Thank you, God, You have undoubtedly solved my problems. But before I go, please take my business card. If you ever change your mind, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”

“My wife would probably take issues with that.”

“Just take it. I’ll invite your wife to join GodBook then become one of her followers so she doesn’t misunderstand my heartfelt intentions.”

“Uh, please don-”

Before I could finish my sentence, asking her to refrain from doing so, she’d already stepped out the door to my office and disappeared. She likely planned on getting someone in her company to book a consultation with my wife to hook her on GodBook. My stomach turned in disgust at the thought of being married to someone who unironically used GodBook.