Something that sounded like an explosion rocked the carriage, sending my slumbering self out of the seat and onto the floor. Or at least, it would have had Yahui not caught me. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and glanced around. Moments later, I sensed it. The overwhelming powers of both Blighted and divine pressing in from both sides. Yahui and I left the carriage in unison, him to face off against the Blighted and me to stare down the divine beast.
The large creature made of light energies loomed over us, it’s feet still hundreds of feet away. It lumbered slowly across the plains, clearly unaware of what it crushed under its golden hooves. Markings in brilliant prismatic light covered the bestial creature’s hide. Golden adornments hung over various parts of its body, studded with vibrant jewels. The slight familiarity gave me a moment of pause, but when its next footfall shook the earth I snapped to my senses.
“Stop!” I commanded, summoning blades of light around me. “Do you intend to crush innocents during your hunt?!”
To my surprise, the divine beast halted and lowered its head. Its breath caused blades of grass, leaves, and dust to fly into the air around us.
“Inno…cents?” The beast’s voice vibrated through the air, much quieter than I expected from such a large creature. Its golden eyes blinked at me, then shifted to our convoy. “I must hunt.”
“Hunt elsewhere! We can destroy these Blighted!” I narrowed my eyes at the beast. It hesitated, tilting its head.
“Elsewhere?”
“There are more Blighted, far too many, in the wastelands beyond here.” I kept my voice level, attempting to not come off as threatening. “Let us slay these. Go back to hunting the ones in the wastelands, or you will kill these people as well as the Blighted.”
“I will…wait. If you cannot kill yours…” The beast trailed off, sitting on its haunches.
I bit back my irritation and hastened to join Yahui on the far side of the carriage. Every thrum of his guqin sent more Blighted collapsing to the ground. His disciples were quite far from us, aside from our driver who was keeping the horses calm. When I landed in a crouch near Yahui, he shot me a wary glance but said nothing.
“If we don’t handle the Blighted ourselves, the beast intends to do it for us.” I sent blades of light careening into the front row of Blighted. “We need to slay them, all of them, and quickly.”
“Very well. We will discuss this later.” Yahui shot me a dangerous glare before settling his glowing crimson and violet gaze on the Blighted. “Take care not to hit my pets with your attacks.”
“Of course.” I scoffed, summoning more light weapons around myself.
As I prepared, Yahui reached into one of his sleeves and pulled out what looked like small silver orbs. He tossed the orbs, sending them skittering across the ground. Once touched by his darkness, they cracked open to form the elegant cage-like contraptions I had seen him use to create familiars before. While they took shape, he continued attacking the Blighted with his guqin.
The Blighted lunged toward the contraptions as if aware they were a threat. I cut them off with spikes of light, impaling the undead that attempted to halt Yahui’s summoning. Next, I dashed in with a blade of light in one hand and began to hack through the waves of Blighted. Yahui’s creatures soon joined me. Shockwaves of power frequently flew over my head from his guqin, plunging into the further away enemies.
While his familiars and I tore through the closest Blighted, Yahui took care of the ones in the back. Slowly, we whittled down the waves of creatures, but I had a feeling it wasn’t quickly enough to appease the divine beast. Gritting my teeth, I fell back to Yahui’s side.
“There is more than when we fought together outside the Terraces,” Yahui commented. I glanced to the side at him when I heard the faint raggedness to his voice.
“We need to end this quickly. You still insist I should keep my other weapons hidden?” I gave him a pointed look when he glanced at me.
“That is…” Yahui took a deep breath, swaying in the air. For a moment, I thought his levitation skill might break. “I give you permission to unleash against the Blighted. We can’t afford to have our divine…overseer grow impatient.”
I concentrated briefly, calling forth weapons made of bright white metal. They floated around me, casting prismatic glints of light off every nearby surface. After taking a longsword in one hand, I dashed into the throngs of Blighted again—this time with a maelstrom of light shards surrounding me. Yahui called his familiars back to him, giving me free rein to swing my weapons in wide arcs around me.
More creatures rose from the soil nearby, causing me to narrow my eyes. Something was actively summoning them. Taking a deep breath, I called upon my power and concentrated it into a long, flexible rope. I conjured a handle and gripped the newly-created whip, allowing my sword to join the dance of floating weapons. With a sharp flick of my wrist, I sent the whip of light slashing through the Blighted, cutting them in half. Their bodies crumpled to the ground, their wounds glowing white-hot.
Next, I lashed out at where I saw the creatures appearing from. My whip dug several feet into the ground. Moments later there was a sound like breaking glass. New Blighted ceased appearing, allowing us to finish off the several dozen that remained.
“Now then, how…” Yahui fell silent and caught me with one arm when my knees gave out. He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, clearly uncertain of something. Finally, he sighed and asked, “Was it necessary for you to use so much power? You could have caused yourself permanent damage.”
“My instincts…told me…we were taking too long,” I panted, attempting to right myself and stand on my own. My weapons disappeared whence they came as the divine beast lowered its head to peer at us.
“Blighted…gone. I shall hunt elsewhere. Wastelands?” The divine beast’s gaze flicked to Yahui. “Dark arts user… Xing Yahui. Favored by gods. Will not hunt you.”
Yahui stiffened, his gaze trained on the beast, but he didn’t let go of me.
“Yes, hunt in the wastelands. Try not to kill people who aren’t Blighted,” I stated, giving the beast a firm look. “If people die, you won’t have anything left to protect.”
The beast tilted its head in silence for a moment, then nodded. It turned and paced back in the direction of the wastelands, causing the ground to tremor with each step. Between the beast’s footfalls and my exhaustion, my legs gave out again. Yahui pulled my arm over his shoulders and gripped my wrist, using his other arm to brace my waist.
“Stop your struggling. You clearly can’t walk on your own.” Yahui’s grip on my wrist tightened.
“I wasn’t struggling,” I grumbled, earning a doubtful look. “I was trying...to...” My vision swam, my head pounding.
“Mingzhu?”
“Dizzy…” I whined.
“Let me help.” One of the nearby disciples pulled my other arm over his shoulders.
The two men managed to get me back to the carriage, in which I promptly sprawled out on one of the seats and covered my eyes with one arm. When Yahui cleared his throat as if to get my attention, I shook my head.
“We will have to discuss this at some point.” Yahui sighed.
“Everything is spinning, and I can’t tell up from down!” I huffed in reply. “Talk all you want, but I’m keeping my arm here or I might fall on the floor.”
When Yahui spoke again, it was in an unreadable, quiet tone. “What possessed you to directly confront a divine beast?”
“It seemed like the right thing to do. Otherwise it would have kept walking without regard for what was in its path, even if we killed the Blighted quickly enough.”
“Perhaps I should just be thankful it listened,” Yahui muttered. A soft thud and the rustling of fabric gave me the impression he had sunk back in his seat. “We will begin moving again once my disciples have collected the fragments of the artifact you broke.”
“…we aren’t already moving?” I grimaced, peeking at Yahui around my arm.
“I would offer to send you into slumber, but I believe I know your answer.” Yahui shook his head before shifting to look away from me. “Rest. My disciples and I will handle any further trouble that might arise.”
So far, despite my misgivings about YH, this story has been a surprisingly enjoyable read. It's not often I stumble across an original novel as well-written as this tbh.
The world in which the story is set in is very much alive and I only want to know more and more about it. I like that you give us bits and pieces as the story moves along w/o info dumping.
MZ is also a really interesting character...I like how arrogant she is even if she realizes she has no 'right' be currently lol. Yet she's also able to be rational despite being somewhat reckless at times. Can't wait to learn her true identity!
As for YH...I struggle with him. His overly suspicious nature annoys me greatly tbh. It's like MZ can't even breathe without him being on top of her. I'm glad MZ gave him an ultimatum because I was seriously struggling with whether to continue due to his violent actions. Still, tho, I appreciate that he truly is a kind and compassionate individual yet still retains the ruthlessness a ruler must have. I'll await his character development but he must suffer at least little so I can feel appeased - choking MZ is not the way to win the readers over!
All in all, this is a great story you have here. Even the use of first-person, something I usually dread and especially in original novels, is done well. I think the only thing I would currently criticize is that a lot of the chapters start the same way - describing nature or the sky or something. It got kind of repetitive tbh.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us ?
Thanks for all your comments on all the chapters I have posted thus far! I was tempted to reply to each of them individually, but I figure replying to this one will be the best. Haha.
It's not often I stumble across an original novel as well-written as this tbh.
Thank you so much! <3 I've been writing for a long time, but only began publishing online and on Amazon in the last few years. Being part of the fanfiction community when I was younger made me wary about posting for a long time. Thankfully, a friend convinced me to post my work online and I've been doing so since then! :)
MZ is also a really interesting character...I like how arrogant she is even if she realizes she has no 'right' be currently lol. Yet she's also able to be rational despite being somewhat reckless at times. Can't wait to learn her true identity!
I'm glad her arrogance doesn't come across as "too much." I was worried that I may need to tone it down, but my beta readers and Discord users convinced me to keep it as-is. lol. I love strong, somewhat arrogant, female characters...but sometimes the reactions to them from readers are not so great.
Still, tho, I appreciate that he truly is a kind and compassionate individual yet still retains the ruthlessness a ruler must have. I'll await his character development but he must suffer at least little so I can feel appeased - choking MZ is not the way to win the readers over!
I'm glad you've stuck around despite your issues with Yahui! <3
I can't really say much without spoilers, but I definitely intend for him to go through quite a bit of character development. He has a lot of work to do on his attitude, especially if he's also going to maintain the personality traits he requires as a ruler.
He's quite different from the love interests in my other three series. It's been interesting to write him since there's a certain balance I'm trying to maintain--namely, Culture vs. Morals vs. Fear vs. Suspicion. For Yahui, it's definitely a situation where he knows he shouldn't be so violent with Mingzhu, but like you pointed out in one of your comments, losing everything to light users has scarred him. It's something that's going to be difficult for him to overcome, though he is certainly trying!
Even the use of first-person, something I usually dread and especially in original novels, is done well.
I can definitely relate here. When I'm reading, I prefer third person. There's been a few series I like that were in first person past tense (which is what I write in.)
Then there's first person present tense...which I just can't stand.
think the only thing I would currently criticize is that a lot of the chapters start the same way - describing nature or the sky or something. It got kind of repetitive tbh.
Yeah this is something I'm attempting to balance out. I've received criticism from my editors that I need to include more description, but it resulted in the repetitiveness you noted.
Anyway! I rambled enough! Lol
Thank you again for all your lovely comments on these first 12 chapters!
@BonnieLPrice Oh wow, thanks for answering!! And it was no trouble at all, the hard work you've put into your story shines in your writing and this story definitely deserves lots and lots of comments!
Also I sort of wanted to expand on my views on MZ and see if you agree with them - I was reading on my phone and its harder for me to fully type out my thought process there hehe.
Personally, I felt that the way you wrote MZ wasn't 'too much' and I can understand your worries, generally ppl are less forgiving of female characters for traits that are usually celebrated in male characters - which is sad, but I'm glad that didn't stop you!
In fact, I really like that she's /unconsciously/ arrogant - it shows that despite losing her memories, her core personality is still there deep inside her. But that she's also logical and perceptive enough to recognize that currently she isn't in a position to be arrogant.
Another thing I enjoyed is her....recklessness? Not sure if that's the right word but I like that she just wants to hack the Blighted and doesn't really stop to think that just maybe she might need help or that she could have trouble defeating them. It's rare for female characters to be so confident in their abilities, and while I generally prefer more careful and calculating female characters tbh, the way you wrote her impulsive / straightforward nature in regards to fighting was done well imo.
Generally authors make the mistake of making their characters WAY too reckless, to the point they come off as extremely selfish and even stupid, but I felt you balanced it well. Tbh, it occurred to me that it would also make sense for her to be impulsive / reckless when it comes to fighting as she's rather arrogant and extremely confident in her abilities - especially if her original identity is as powerful and high up as has been hinted constantly.
I was also trying to understand why she's so 'modest' or at least unwilling to use the high quality goods and clothes gifted to her by the emperor....I found it an interesting contrast to her arrogance - usually arrogant / proud people would only be willing to use the best, right? And it's not like she doesn't like the hair pin and earrings...personally I believe the reason she refuses the gifts / other high quality goods is because she feels she hasn't earned it OR she doesn't like being in debt to other people.
Also, I like that despite not being super kind or compassionate, MZ is still someone who won't harm innocents nor does she treat other people beneath her - she just has too much confidence lol.
There's a lot more tbh, but yeah, I just wanted to say MZ is a compelling character and I felt I didn't do her enough justice in this last comment~
@rosana
Oh wow, thanks for answering!!
Of course! I try to be responsive, though it's definitely easier to get ahold of me on Discord. ^.^ I check for comments frequently since I really enjoy interacting with readers.
It makes me so happy when someone understands one of my characters so well! :D And, of course, thanks for all the compliments too. Made my day! <3
And it's not like she doesn't like the hair pin and earrings...personally I believe the reason she refuses the gifts / other high quality goods is because she feels she hasn't earned it OR she doesn't like being in debt to other people.
It's technically a bit of both. From her perspective, she has to question why Yahui would be offering these things to her (especially when he's been such a...pain.) Does he have an ulterior motive? Is he trying to buy forgiveness? Is he trying to keep her complacent? etc. etc. etc. She doesn't really have any reason to believe there's no malicious, or at least suspicious, motives behind him deciding to help her--ESPECIALLY since he's so twitchy about light users.
On top of that, she's somewhat aware that these things cost money (and likely a lot of it.) Without being certain of her origins, she can't be certain as to her ability to pay Yahui back for providing her with so many luxuries.
And, from an author standpoint, I'm thinking she has a subconscious aversion to gift-giving due to her origins, but of course that isn't something I can go into yet lol~