Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 13.de - The Closet Door

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Saturday Sept. 07 2019, 6:30pm, Dawn's house - ]

 

“We’ll have to do more tests whenever Anne’s feeling up to it,” E says. She’s staring down at the row of ‘spell glyphs’ that Anne had written out with a brooding look on her face. “Are you sure there’s no way it could have happened naturally?” she asks again.

 

I’m sitting hunched over with one arm propping up my head at the opposite end of the table from where Anne had done her flashy light thing, nursing a can of cola. I feel shocked, confused, and more than a little awed.

 

“There’s probably a million different ways it could have happened naturally, without magic,” I say slowly, piecing my disparate thoughts together. “But like, unless I’m starting to hallucinate too, I’m inclined to believe you that Anne’s telling the truth. It was... a hell of a coincidence that the flash happened when and how it did, at the very least. It was just pure white light coming from a fixed point above the table.”

 

I take a sip of the cola, furrowing my brow at the middle of the table. Daring it to flash again. 

 

It doesn’t.

 

“Madelaine and I both got strong vibes that Anne was truthful,” E’s saying, leaning against the back of the chair at the other head of the table, “But Anne’s way more experienced at being ‘plural’ than we are, so it’s entirely possible she can hide her true feelings from us.”

 

I blink sharply and my eyes flick up to hers. She’s frowning slightly, but doesn’t appear to think anything she’s said is out of the ordinary. 

 

“Madelaine?” I ask curiously. It’s not a name I’ve heard before. Unless she’s somehow aware of and mispronouncing the middle name I’m secretly planning to give myself? No, she said ‘us’, so that must mean this ‘Madelaine’ is another person in her head?

 

Color rises to E’s cheeks, and she breaks eye contact to stare down at the table’s center. 

 

“Shit,” she says, “I didn’t mean to...”

 

I start to reassure her that everything’s fine, but her eyes have already unfocused: staring beyond the world around her. They close for a brief moment, and I watch as the tenseness in her body seems to seep out of her. Over the course of a few seconds her shoulders loosen, her brow relaxes, and her head tilts back a bit.

 

Belatedly, I realize she wasn’t apologizing to me.

 

My best friend’s eyes snap open a moment later, and a small smile teases at the corners of her- their? Their lips. I’ve no idea who this is, so they seems appropriate. They straighten up, lowering their moss-green gaze to mine with a confidence that’d been wholly absent a moment ago.

 

“Hi Dawn,” they say nonchalantly. Their voice is slightly different from the one E had been using a moment ago, a bit rougher and lower. It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for them, but it seems like an intentional change. It seems obvious that someone’s just switched in, and since Anne’s gone and this person looks at ease in their body, I’m guessing this is not-E.

 

“Heya,” I say back cautiously, not entirely sure what’s drawn them out here, “I assume you’re-”

 

There’s a flicker of panic in their eyes. “Madelaine! My name’s Madelaine,” they say quickly, cutting me off. The flash of anxiety is gone a moment later. “Sorry, I just think this is a helluva lot better than ‘not-E’.”

 

I blink at them. Oh, oh! That’s who Madelaine is, they figured themselves out more, maybe! I let a wide grin spread across my face.

 

“Oh my gods that’s a wonderful name, I love it!” I exclaim, and then can’t stop myself from adding, “I’ve actually been planning to make my middle name Madeline for a bit now. What made you pick Madelaine?”

 

Madelaine’s face falls at my words. “Shoot,” they say with sudden anxiety, “Sorry, I just chose this name a few minutes ago so, do you want me to change it so it’s not so close to yours?”

 

I shake my head and wave a hand to the side, as if to dispel the idea. “No of course not! You’ve got nothing to apologize for. I’ve got my own reasons for liking the name. And more importantly it’s your name! You get to decide whatever feels right to you. And I get to decide the same for me. I like Dawn Madeline Anderson, so that’s what I’m rolling with for now.”

 

They give me a small tentative smile back. “Okay, just uh, I don’t want to step on your toes. But you’re right I guess. As for why I like it, it’s the name we gave our first video game character. And I like the way it looks written down? Not exactly the deepest reasons, but it’s all I’ve got so far. I’m still nonbinary, still they/them, but I’m taking this name for a spin.”

 

“Awesome!” I reply, “I’m glad you found a name that feels like it suits you. And there doesn’t have to be a deep reason behind it. Hell, I chose Dawn because I think it’s pretty and I like it being kinda related to Sky’s chosen name.” 

 

I take a moment to attempt to commit their name and pronouns to memory. Madelaine, they/them, E’s worldly half.

 

Madelaine smiles at me. “Those are two damn good reasons. Thanks for the pep talk. I’ll let El- er, E take back over though. She’s very excited to share her own identity news, and I’m not playing telephone between you two.”

 

They close their eyes quickly as I raise an eyebrow.

 

For several long moments they stand there: brow furrowed, clearly deep in concentration. And then their posture straightens, their eyes open, and someone new looks at me with a sheepish smile.

 

“Welcome to the kitchen,” I say in greeting, raising my soda towards who I assume to be E in a tiny toast.

 

They blush and roll their eyes. “Thanks Dawn, love what you’ve done with the place in the past five minutes,” they reply with a touch of sarcasm. Then they get a bit more serious.

 

“Anyway, while we’re doing the whole introductions thing, I’m uh, I’m choosing the name ‘Ellie’ for right now I think? Oh and I was ‘E’ before. Madelaine kinda inspired me to try out a name, even if it doesn’t feel perfect yet.”

 

Fuck! She’s blushing and clearly anxious about the name for some reason, so at the risk of acting like an overexcited golden retriever I freely give in to my very gay little heart.

 

“That’s a beautiful name!” I exclaim, “Gods I’m so happy for you both, picking a new name is fucking hard if you start to overthink it.”

 

Ellie makes no effort to cover up her even brighter blush from the compliment. “Right?” she asks emphatically.

 

“So where’d ‘Ellie’ come from, if you don’t mind my asking?” 

 

“Well,” Ellie begins, before we’re interrupted by a pair of headlights sweeping across the doorway into kitchen.

 

Oh. I feel a sudden weight in my stomach. My family’s home. Ellie must catch some sign of my trepidation, because she trails off in her explanation.

 

I’d thought I’d have a plan by now, a well rehearsed speech about how I love my parents and kinda think I’ll be able to keep doing so even better as their daughter. But what if that’s not okay? Jay and Aiden have given me a beautiful life, they’re the best dads anyone could ever ask for, it’s only right that I do what I can for them in return. Surely it’ll be okay. They accept Sky, there’s no way in hell they’ll reject me. But what if I disappoint them, what if they really wanted a son? What if they don’t feel comfortable raising a daughter?

 

Snap! Ellie’s standing beside me now, she snap!s her fingers again trying to pull me out of my spiral.

 

“Hey! Earth to Dawn, come in Dawn.” I give her a grateful smile as I come back to the present. 

 

“I’m here, I’m... thanks,” I say. 

 

“Just take this one step at a time, okay?” she says softly, “it’s going to be way better than okay. I promise.”

 

“Yeah,” I say quietly. I swallow some small fraction of the lump in my throat, and then repeat a little more firmly, “Yeah. I’ve got this.”

 

I stand and push my chair in, trying to slow my pounding heart.

 

“You have the floor first, ma’am,” Ellie’s saying, “I don’t know if I’ll come out tonight, but Madelaine and I have got your back. If you need anything at all, we’re here for you.”

 

“Thank you,” I reply sincerely, “I’m so glad you’re here for this.”

 

Car doors slam shut in the distance, and the excited chatter of my sibling and their friend become increasingly audible as they walk across the front of the house to the front door.

 

Ellie smiles, standing beside and just a bit behind me. I feel her hand curl around mine and give it a light squeeze, our fingers interlacing with practiced ease. “They’re going to be so proud of you,” she whispers. 

 

We’ll see, I think.

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Ellie

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

You sure you want to do this? Madelaine asks again from inside my head.

 

Yes, I promise I’ll tag out if I need to, I reply. It’s touching that they’re worried about me getting misgendered and deadnamed, but also a bit exasperating. 

 

Just trying to look out for you, girly, they say defensively. They’d wanted to take over the body when Dawn’s family got home so that I didn’t have to deal with getting called ‘Erick’ a million times. But Erick isn’t them either, and I want to be here for Dawn. She doesn’t have an alter ego she can switch out with.

 

I know I know, thank you. But I got this, I promise! I reassure Maddie.

 

They seem to accept that, because I feel my connection to them take more of a backseat to the physical world around me. I’m out fronting in our body again, and I brace myself as the door to Dawn’s house flies open to admit two chaotic college freshthems.

 

Sky and their gender-fluid friend Eve burst into the house in a whirlwind of energy and excitement, chattering to each other all the while. 

 

It’s good to see Dawn’s little cyan-haired punk sibling again, and even though I’ve only met Eve a couple times the raven haired twenty year old happily greets me and Dawn with hugs the same way Sky does. Of course they both use our old names as soon as they see us, but I find to my relief that it’s easy enough to brush off in the moment. Especially as they don’t stop talking to us and each other, stumbling over each other to describe some sort of meet up they’d gone to in Wisconsin. I honestly don’t catch much of what they mean before they’ve de-coated themselves and rushed upstairs. 

 

They’ve just disappeared when the door opens again to admit two middle aged men: one maybe five foot five and stocky with short chesnut hair and the other at least six feet tall and wiry with brilliant cyan hair exactly the same color as Sky’s. Jay and Aiden, respectively, shuffle into the hallway lugging several suitcases and looking extremely world weary. 

 

Dawn and I volunteer to go grab the rest of the stuff in the car, and they both give us grateful smiles. They deadname us in greeting too, of course, but again I just don’t pay attention to it. If I don’t acknowledge what they call me, it doesn’t have to affect me, right? I ignore Madelaine shaking her head at me in the background.

 

I squeeze past the daduo following Dawn. We throw on our jackets and shoes and head outside into the dim autumn evening light. We don’t say much as we walk out to the car and hunt for the remaining handful of snacks and dirty clothes bags. It’s a companionable quiet, though. I notice Dawn picking up candy wrappers and other travel debris, so I do the same on my side of the car. Even still it’s only a few minutes until we’re done. I shut the passenger door of the red minivan, and move to stand beside Dawn on the path back to the front door.

 

“What’s up?” I ask, turning to try and catch her eye. She doesn’t meet my questing gaze. There’s a nervous tension about her.

 

“Um,” she says hesitantly, “I dunno really. But I was just thinking about Sky, and maybe rethinking my whole ‘coming out’ plan? I promised them they’d be the first to know when I made any decisions about being a binary boy or not.”

 

She’s fidgeting with the grocery bag of snacks in her hand, twirling it back and forth. 

 

I nod in understanding. “And yet here we are, the cat already out of the bag with me. Is that what’s got you anxious?” 

 

She gives a sheepish nod.

 

“I feel like there were extenuating circumstances here. You used your own hatching egg to help me out of mine, right? I can’t imagine they’ll hold it against you,” I point out. 

 

Dawn seems to consider that for a moment. “I guess that’s one way to look at it,” she says, giving me a small smile. Madelaine snickers when my heart skips a beat. 

 

Not a word, I warn them.

 

Didn’t say anything! they reply smugly. I get the vague impression that they’re sitting in front of the ‘viewing screen’ in the tree house pillar thing, watching the Ellie Show with glee. 

 

I snap back to reality as Dawn starts talking beside me. “Though,” she says, “I guess I’m just worried is all. The last thing I want to do is upset everyone right after this big trip.”

 

Oh, damn, Madelaine thinks, told you we should’ve paid more attention to her earlier.

 

Shut it, we’re doing the best we can, I reply irritatedly.

 

In reality, I put a gentle hand on Dawn’s shoulder. “Dawn,” I say softly, “They all love you, there’s no way they’d want you to suffer in silence a second longer than you have to.”

 

That gets a small frustrated sigh out of her. “I know you’re right. It’s just, I, I can’t ask for things when it might hurt someone else, even if that little hurt is temporary. I kept hoping this’d be easy when the moment arrived, that I’d have a plan, a speech or something. But I don’t, and they all just waltzed in and told me I’m Matt. They love me when I’m Matt. What if that love fades, or changes for the worse when I grow into Dawn?”

 

Fuck man, how are we supposed to answer that? Madelaine asks.

 

One step at a time, I guess? I hazard.

 

I give Dawn a little pat on the shoulder, then turn to face her as I cross my arms against the fall chill in the air.

 

“You already know all the answers to these questions, hun,” I reply with as much compassion as I can. “Everyone in that house, even Eve, loves the hell out of you. They already know they’re going to be gaining a daughter, not losing a son.”

 

“I know. It’s just--”

 

“It’s different when it’s you confronting these fears, rather than someone else on a forum, right?” I ask gently.

 

Boom, triple pointer, Madelaine interjects.

 

Dawn smiles a teensy bit at me. “Yeah. Fuck.”

 

Way to go girl, Madelaine says excitedly to me, you’re not so bad with words.

 

Thanks, can I, have a bit of quiet?, I ask, Sorry I just--

 

Absolutely, they reply immediately, I apologize.

 

You don’t have to-

 

Focus on Dawn, Ellie. We’ll talk later.

 

I get the distinct sense that they feel way worse than they have any reason to for the interaction. Maddie, I love you, I call after their retreating presence in my mind, and I’m holding you to that. We’re talking about this later!

 

In the meantime, Dawn and I have been standing here for maybe a minute in an uneasy silence. 

 

“You really think it’s gonna be okay?” Dawn asks hesitantly, breaking me out of my inner world.

 

“I really do, promise.,” I reply with a smile.

 

She sets her jaw and stands a little straighter. “Okay, then I’m doing it after dinner. I want food before all the questions start coming. I’m going to find Sky and Eve now, tell them what’s up and that they can ask me whatever they want after food.”

 

I smile. “Cruel and unusual punishment, forcing them to sit quietly until you tell your parents, but valid.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “They’ll have to survive for thirty minutes or so.”

 

“So we’ve got a plan, let’s get back in there?”

 

“Let’s,” she says with a little flare of determination.

--- 

 

[ - 7pm, Dawn’s house - ]

 

“Hey kids, your pa’s unpacking stuff. Can you help me get the table ready for dinner?” Aiden asks as we file back into the kitchen. 

 

“I’ll help!” I volunteer immediately, “Can you go upstairs and save our game?” I say, turning to Dawn and giving her a little wink. I don’t miss the way her cheeks redden immediately afterwards.

 

“Ahh yeah! Right. I’ll go game-- er, save the game. Bye!” she says, quickly fleeing up the stairs two at a time.

 

I shake my head at Dawn’s embarrassment with a smile, and turn back to find the tall wiry cyan-blue haired dad staring after her with a contemplative look on his face.

 

“Right,” he says after a moment, his hazel eyes flicking to me from behind his glasses, “I’ll start sorting the food out, you get the silverware and plates? And thanks as always for your help, Erick.”

 

“On it,” I reply with a slightly strained smile. 

 

Getting dinner ready with the Andersons is a well worn routine for me at this point, and I move over to the closer end of the counter where the tableware is stored. As I get the plates out of the wall-mounted cupboard, I find myself trying to process the complex emotions that keep sweeping through me when someone calls me by my legal name. Hearing it from these people doesn’t hurt exactly, I’ve been answering to Erick my whole life up till this point after all. But it doesn’t feel good, either. It feels like they’re addressing me with a title, something that’s not really me. Getting called Erick feels similar to getting called ‘kid’ or ‘boy’. It’s featureless. Who is Erick? I’ve sure never known. 

 

I get the plates set out on the table, and go back to fetch the silverware from its drawer. I’m just sliding it open when a shout rings through the house.

 

“YES!” comes Sky’s distant but still very loud voice, “I KNEW--” 

 

They’re cut off mid sentence, much to my relief. I can only assume Dawn has spilled the beans.

 

Aiden’s looking towards the stairs with a startled, confused expression. “What’re they up to now?” he asks wonderingly, sounding vaguely worried.

 

“No idea,” I answer with as much nonchalance as I can muster, “Maybe they saw the new high scores we got while you guys were gone?”

 

The tech whiz dad smiles kindly at me. “I take it you two had fun together?”

 

I grin. “You know it.”

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

I reach the top of the stairs and immediately slow down, trying to get my mind off the way Ellie just went and winked at me like that.

 

Sky’s bright blue door is to my right, half open. The room beyond isn’t exactly messy, but it’s certainly not neat either. Sky likes to keep things in plain view so they don’t forget said things exist, so there’s bins full of legos and other creative stuff lined against the close wall, an open closet rack in a nook to the right, and a desk strewn with all manner of homework assignments and important reminders to the left. 

 

I take a moment to try and psyche myself up for this. It’s just Sky and Eve, I know them and trust them both with my life. There’s no way they’ll reject me! Even if maybe Sky would prefer to have the masculine role model of a big brother rather than-- nope. Squashing those thoughts down hard. 

 

“Matt, you there?” comes Sky’s slightly raspy voice. 

 

Ah fuck, I guess I wasn’t exactly quiet, sprinting up the stairs like that.

 

I take the remaining few steps to their door and knock lightly on the frame. “Yeah I’m here, sorry to interrupt,” I say. 

 

The door creaks further inward, revealing Sky standing before me and Eve sitting on their bed at the far end of the room. 

 

“What’s up?” my sibling asks, rasing an eyebrow at me. 

 

“I, uh, I have something I’d like to talk to you about, if you have a minute?” I say stumblingly.

 

Sky steps back from the door, a curious look on their face, and gestures for me to come in. “Uh yeah, c’mon in. Is it okay if Eve’s here?”

 

I look over at the demigirl as I walk in. “You’ll find out what I’m gonna tell them after dinner anyway, so you’re welcome to stay if you want? I trust you kiddo.”

 

She looks at me with a surprised smile. “I’ll stay here then. I uh, trust you too. Thanks.”

 

“Okay, cool,” I say to her. Then I look back at my sibling with their black studded leather jacket and ripped jeans.

 

I’m a girl, I say. Or, well, I try to. But there’s too big of a lump in my throat, and not enough confidence in my low, rough voice to get past it.  My brain churns, searching for a better approach to the topic I want to discuss.

 

“Um,” I begin again, holding my sibling’s light brown gaze as steadily as I can manage. “So, it turns out that you’ve been kinda maybe right about me for the past few years, Sky,” I say slowly.

 

I watch their eyes narrow in thought as they parse that. A glance at Eve shows she’s completely mystified. Which makes sense. There’s probably a lot of things Sky’s right about, in regards to me.

 

“You don’t mean...” Sky starts cautiously.

 

I stumble onward before I lose my courage. “Those ah, forums you showed me, the tfemme subreddits? I maybe, kinda, related to them a bit too hard, and--”

 

“Holy fuck, you hatched!?” they exclaim, their eyes widening in shock.

 

I laugh. Gods. “In the language of our people, yes. I ‘hatched,’” I reply.

 

“YES!” they shout triumphantly, literally fist pumping with glee. “I KNEW--”

 

“Shhhh!” I hiss at them, one hand extended to try and shut them up, but thankfully my words cut them off mid-shout. “I haven’t told the dads yet!” I explain, “I promised you’d be the first to know!”

 

“Sorry,” they whisper excitedly, “this is just, fuck! How do you feel? What’s your name and ‘nouns? What the hell finally got through that thick shell of yours?”

 

“Dawn’s the name, she/her’s the game,” I reply happily, before the wind is forcibly knocked from my lungs as Sky practically throws themselves at me in a tackle hug. I gasp, but hold steady. I put my arms around them in return, struggling to draw breath.

 

Sky still has to tilt their head a little to meet my eye this close, and they do so now with a huge grin on their face. “Dawn?!” they whisper-shout, “I fucking love it! That’s so pretty! Er, if you want to be pretty that is.”

 

I can’t help but laugh at their enthusiasm and tenderness. “Yes, I think I’d like to be pretty,” I say, my face only mildly on fire as I hug them back tightly. 

 

Sky releases me from their hug a moment later and steps over to pull out their desk chair. ”So are you my big sister now, do you think?” they ask as they gesture for me to take the chair. 

 

“Right now I’m feeling pulled towards binary woman? So yes, if you’ll have me,” I say bashfully, moving to take the chair.

 

Sky punches me lightly in the arm as I sit down. “Of course I’ll have you you anxious wreck! We’re siblings for life, remember? Now we’re just that much closer, cause you’re finally exploring who you really are.”

 

Tears prickle at the corners of my vision as they sit back on their bed next to Eve. They’d looked at me with such serious, earnest love in their eyes and words. My smile feels strained to its limit. How do I express all these feelings with my mortal form?

 

“Gods damn Sky, thank you so much. It’s been a long fucking week, and I was really fucking scared of coming out to you all. I thought it’d be easier if I did it all together, but then I remembered my promise to you and here we are.”

 

They beam at me. “I’m so proud of you for coming out, big sis. And if you want help coming out to the dads I am so there for you!” 

 

This time it’s my turn to jump out of my chair and tackle hug them back onto their bed.

End of

Chapter 13.de - The Closet Door