Chapter 14.ed – What’s in a Family
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Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 14.ed - What’s in a Family

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Ellie

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Saturday Sept. 07 2019, 7:05pm, Dawn's house - ]

 

Aiden and I have gotten everyone’s table place set with their hot food still in its container on their plates. Now we’re just waiting for the rest of the Andersons and Eve to assemble.

 

“So how’s things with you lately?” Aiden asks. He’s sitting at the left head of the table, while I’m at my usual place to his right. As usual, he seems genuinely interested in my life.

 

“Oh, you know,” I say a little guiltily, “it’s going.”

 

“Is that a ‘I can’t think of what to say’ or a ‘I don’t want to talk right now’?” he asks with a smile.

 

It’s always smiles with these guys, smiles and kindness. Dawn and Sky have got to be some of the luckiest kids in the world. I know I feel a million percent better talking to Aiden and Jay about literally anything than I do my own parents.

 

“I think it’s more a ‘I would love to talk about it but I don’t have the spoons to do so right now’,” I reply carefully. 

 

His eyebrows rise. “Gotcha,” he says, “well I’m sorry to hear that. Anyway we can help you rest and recharge your mindware drawer?”

 

“Hmm,” I say, genuinely thinking about it. “How about you ask me after dinner? Right now I’m mostly hungry, though I want to wait for everyone else. It’s been a while since we did a big dinner like this.”

 

Also your daughter deserves your attention tonight, I’ll hold my peace for now, I add silently.

 

I feel something akin to a nod from Maddie, the most I’ve felt from her since she went quiet earlier.

 

Aiden smiles. “You’re always welcome to come over whenever you want man,” he says kindly, “our doors are open to you. You’ve been such a good friend to Matt and you’re so damn kind. You deserve more family meals.”

 

I grimace slightly, sensing the judgement radiating off the guy towards my parents. I try to avoid the subject of my home life usually, because I am well aware the Anderson dads are none too pleased that they’re the only role model for kind and compassionate adults I have. I hurriedly change the topic. 

 

“Thanks, Mr. Anderson,” I say, knowing it’ll immediately cause him to switch trains of thought.

 

“Please call me Aiden, Smith. Jay and I have no need for titles around you kids.”

 

I grin at the family’s Matrix in-joke, but am distracted from replying by the door to his bedroom opening at the other end of the kitchen. Jay walks out in comfy pajama slacks and a colorful teenaged mutant ninja turtles tee shirt.

 

“If you must use a title, I’ll be accepting ‘Captain’ for the remainder of this evening,” dad number two comments as he sidles over to the fridge.

 

“You drove through a helluva rainstorm love,” Aiden says with a smirk, “I’d say you’ve absolutely earned that position in this family.”

 

Jay pulls out an arnold palmer iced tea can and trudges over to his seat across from me. He settles into his chair, then pops the tab on the can and takes a swig.

 

“So what’s this about you and Matt going out?” Jay asks casually, as he sets his drink back down and looks at me with what appears to be thinly-veiled glee.

 

I stare at him as I go through all five stages of grief and visit each of the nine circles of hell in rapid succession. 

 

What the fuck? I think. 

 

I ah, I think he’s joking? Maddie hazards.

 

“Um?” is all I can physically say.

 

“Jay,” Aiden says exasperatedly, “Don’t tease the boy like that.”

 

“Oh don’t tell me you didn’t see them holding hands when we came in,” Jay says, “it was adorable!”

 

As I slowly come back to reality, I realize Jay’s smiling at me cheekily. And that Maddie’s right, he’d been joking just now. And that if I wasn’t attracted to their child romantically I probably would have had some witty remark ready to go.

 

Jay,” Aiden repeats with a warning tone, “don’t sexualize kids holding hands.”

 

“It’s fine,” I say quickly, “we hold hands all the time around you guys, I know he’s just joking.”  

 

It’s entirely true that Dawn and I are more touchy-feely in this house than we are anywhere outside of it. And I’ve gotten more hugs from the Anderdads than I have from my own parents. I try my hardest to play it cool. After all, it’d be super creepy to start things off with acting on my feelings for Dawn by confessing them to her parents first. 

 

Aiden sighs and smiles at me. “I know you know, but I’m still working on getting that kind of stuff out of our joke lexicon.”

 

“I know you are hun, I’m sorry,” Jay says with a sigh, “the drive really took it out of me, to be honest. I’m sorry for doing that to you Erick. I really do hope you and Matt find love as soon as you’re ready for it.”

 

I give a slightly strangled, “Thank you.” Then I straighten up in my seat and try to put a smile back on my face. 

 

“So how’d the vacation go?” I ask them both, changing the topic with the subtlety of a bass drop.

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

I end up leaving Sky’s room a few minutes after tackle hugging them onto their bed. There’s food to be had downstairs, after all. And parents to out myself too.

 

Oof, that still feels terrifying. Sky and Ellie/Madelaine have helped me feel capable of trying, at least.

 

There’s sounds of low conversation coming from the stairs, and I make my way down them slowly and steadily. Not quite trying to eavesdrop, but not announcing my presence loudly either.

 

“...it was crazy, the rain was going practically horizontal,” Aiden’s saying.

 

“And yet, bravely, I drove on,” Jay adds dramatically.

 

“I’m surprised you didn’t pull over if that’s how bad it was,” Ellie says.

 

“Jay drove slowly and carefully, and we would’ve pulled onto the shoulder if visibility got to be too low.”

 

“‘Tis true, I prioritized the safety of my crew above all else.”

 

I reach the bottom of the stairs as Jay finishes, and see him looking resolutely off into the distance. Clearly, someone’s been cooped up in the car for too long.

 

“Thanks for getting them home, sir,” I say with a wry grin, deciding I may as well join in on the shenanigans.

 

All three of them turn to give me warm smiles.

 

“That’s Captain Sir to you, boy!” Jay calls at me with a mock scowl.

 

“My apologies Cap’nsir,” I say with a roll of my eyes, throwing him a salute before I go to the fridge to procure myself some juice.

 

Sky and Eve come downstairs a few minutes later, and soon enough we’re all sitting down at the table. I sit beside Ellie on the south side of the table, with Aiden at the head of the table to our left and Eve at the head to our right. Jay sits beside Aiden across from Ellie, while Sky’s next to Eve across from me. 

 

There’s a few minutes of everyone unwrapping our various Thai food containers and preparing them as needed. Some of us put it on the provided plates, some of us grab the silverware and condiments we need from the center of the table, and others get or refill their drinks. Though that last one’s just in the case of Aiden and Ellie, who’ve been here the longest it seems. 

 

As for me? I’m doing completely fine. I try very hard to keep my hands from shaking as I open the container of fried rice and scoop some onto my plate. I tell myself I’m not at all nervous about talking to my dads after this meal about my gender. Even though this could technically be the last meal we eat together as a happy family, I am totally feeling very normal. 

 

I mean, maybe destroying this family from the inside out isn’t technically a likely outcome according to Ellie, Sky, and Eve, but it’s still in the realm of possibility. And that’s terrifying, but what’s not terrifying is shoving my face full of fried rice. I proceed to do this with ample gusto, hoping it’ll quiet my fears.

 

“So,” Jay says shortly after everyone’s begun eating, “what did you get up to while we were gone, Matt?”

 

I do not wince at the way my given name, said so lovingly in his voice, slithers across my brain. Ellie and Sky both give me discrete sympathetic looks. Aiden looks concerned. Jay gives me a prominently arched brow.

 

“Ahem, um, I mostly studied!” I say quickly, with what I think of as a completely normal and not at all strained voice. Not a single one of them looks convinced. 

 

“Um, and I drove Er--” I choke on trying to say her old name out loud, then pretend it’s a cough, and make a rapid decision. “--I drove this nerd,” I wave a hand at Ellie, “over here and we played To Be a Prince for most of last night and this morning. Going back to the classics, you know?” I say with false cheer.

 

My parents are looking at me with concern and mild confusion written across their faces. 

 

“Is something wrong hun?” Aiden asks gently.

 

“Nope!” I say resolutely, and proceed to stuff more fried rice into my mouth. This time with a bit of chicken. It’s delicious. “Why do you ask?” I add as nonchalantly as possible after I swallow. 

 

“You just seem, very tense,” my blue haired dad says diplomatically.

 

Fuck, I really thought I could do this. It sounded so easy in my head! I just gotta lie to my parents for a little while longer. I’m already planning on coming out to them, why can’t we just all get along for like an hour or two more until then?

 

“Oh you know, I’ve got a big test coming up on Monday and I’m a little out of sorts about it.”

 

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call that game ‘To Be a Prince’,” Jay muses, with a strange little knowing glimmer in his eye. “Unrelated, but as a gentle reminder, you kids can tell us anything. We will never judge you, and only want you to be the happiest versions of yourselves that you can possibly be.”

 

I stare at him as I chew my deliciously lime-and-chicken flavored bite. Then I swallow, and say, casually, “I know. Thanks, dad. But I promise I’m fine.”

 

Jay frowns at me, clearly hearing the lie in my voice. “Very well Matt. I’m just trying to make sure you know you don’t have to suffer in silence. I won’t force it out of you.”

 

Sky gently elbows him in the ribs before I have a chance to reply. 

 

“Did you tell them both about the drive back?” they ask with a wiggle of their arched eyebrows.

 

Jay sighs, but then chuckles, apparently done with interrogating me. “I’ve been regaling Erick with the tale, but I don’t want to make him hear it again.”

 

“Actually I’d love to hear it again!” Ellie says chipperly.

 

Apparently, captain dad doesn’t need to be told twice.

---

The story of the harrowing drive through the storm takes maybe five minutes from start to finish, and Sky and Eve excitedly take the next opportunity to launch into a story of their own.

 

Sky hadn’t told me there’d be a hackathon at the hotel they were staying at, but apparently several of their online friends showed up and they took over a hotel room for ‘studying together’. That was the lie for most of the kids parents, except for my dads and a few others, because in actuality the twenty somethings had been playing around and trying to hack into security systems identical to the ones being used in the hotels themselves. They weren’t actually attacking anything, just trying to see if they theoretically could. You know, for science.

 

“Are you sure that’s like, legal?” I ask them as they pause for breath.

 

“Not specifically,” Aiden says with a slightly raised eyebrow.

 

“But not specifically illegal, either,” Jay adds with a diplomatic smile.

 

“Especially if you’re quiet and polite about it,” Eve says with a mischievous grin.

 

“Damn,” Ellie says with a smirk, “you all really went and did that, huh?”

 

“It was between this and actually working on our homework. So of course we did the hacking,” Sky replies.

 

I stare from my sibling to my dads and back, impressed. My dads aren’t exactly the strictest when it comes to deciding what Sky and I want to do with our time, given that we’re allowed to do just about anything we’re passionate about. But I’m still surprised they’re so comfortable with what Sky and Eve apparently did with their friends.

 

“Oh c’mon Matt,” Jay says with a smirk, “don’t tell me you disapprove of your sibling doing a little safe and exploratory hacking."

 

Oof, my deadname is an immediate reminder of the dilemma I face. I try not to show any discomfort though, which isn't too hard since Jay doesn't stop talking.

 

"They use ‘hackforthesky’ as their username on practically everything," he's saying, "What were Aiden and I supposed to do, ban them from it and have them get caught doing something that we could have helped them avoid?”

 

I feel a reluctant smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “I’m not judging anybody dad, just intrigued that you’re so chill with your kids doing dubiously legal things in your presence."

 

Jay shrugs, Aiden rolls his eyes.

 

“Switching gears a bit, how are you boys doing? Was school okay this week?” Aiden asks.

 

It takes me several moments to remember what the hell I did in school the past few days. That’s only partially because hearing my dads use the word ‘boy’ to address Ellie leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

 

“Uh, it was fine?” I say slowly, carefully schooling my features. “I finished my database class project finally, and took an algorithms test that went pretty well I think.”

 

“I had a discrete math test that went, uh, well, good I hope,” Ellie says a moment later. Given what I know happened to her during that test, I’ve got to give her props for her acting skills. She’s the picture of the disinterested college student.

 

Aiden looks a bit perturbed, like he’s trying to figure something out.

 

“Did anything else happen that either of you want to share with the class?” he asks, perhaps a bit more pointedly this time.

 

I frown, hoping he’s just trying to be fatherly or something.

 

“Nope,” I reply, “I had a pretty normal week. Then I picked up this dork and we played games all night.”

 

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees, “it’s been an ordinary couple days.”

 

I can’t believe she manages to keep a straight face after saying that, but keep it she does. Aiden’s now pressing both his hands together, elbows on the table and chin resting on his thumbs. 

 

“Let me try a different approach,” he says after a moment, “Sky, what caused you to scream when you were upstairs just now?”

 

Sky blinks at him. Then says almost excitedly, “Oh! Matt got me this really sweet em-tee-gee sticker for an early birthday present. I really like it,” they say with a grin.

 

It’s my turn to blink as they say this, but I do my best to roll with the cover story. It takes a moment for my brain to translate ‘emteegee’ as an acronym, MTG. It stands for Magic: The Gathering, a card game that Sky had been obsessed with last summer. It’s definitely unusual for me to give them a present before their actual birthday next week, but not improbable. 

 

“I thought they’d like to have it sooner rather than later,” I say, trying to put an easy grin on my face.

 

Our dads seem to accept this without question, though I notice a few choice Looks passing between them. They know something’s off, the only question is if they’ll ask directly or wait for us to come to them. I’m praying it’s the latter. I’m not so sure I can handle coming out just yet. It’s like this huge, scary storm cloud obscuring my path into the future. 

 

Unfortunately, I see Aiden give Jay a terse nod. And then my history-professor dad puts his hands flat on the table, glancing around to each of us in turn. Then his gaze flicks back to rest on me.

 

“So, something’s clearly bothering you two,” he glances at Ellie and then back to me, “do you want some space from us for right now? Or would you like to talk about it with either of us?”

 

Yeah, I try to say, I’d like to talk to you both. But my mouth doesn’t open, I just sit there, staring at him with wide, slightly panicked eyes. 

 

Then Ellie speaks up.

 

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” she says, giving me what appears to be a grateful smile.

 

Oh good, she’s come up with some better cover story!

 

“Matt’s been covering for me tonight, but I think it’s a lot harder than we thought it’d be. I’m, um, well, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. And I think you’re right, Captain, that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. So I think I need to tell you all that--” 

 

My eye starts twitching as I realize with dawning horror she might be about to sacrifice her own happiness for mine. Oh no she does NOT!

 

“--I’m trans!” I blurt out, cutting her off. “I’m trans and I’m sorry!”

 

Silence descends for several seconds. Ellie gives me a quizzical stare.

 

Jay gives Aiden one of the smuggest looks I’ve ever seen pass between my parents, and Aiden whispers, “holy shit,” like  he’s just solved the most complicated puzzle in his life. Eve is smiling slyly at Sky, who’s quivering with excitement so hard it looks like they’re about to launch into orbit.

 

“I’m sorry,” I say again, ignoring them all as tears threaten to spill down my face. “I thought it’d be better to talk about this after dinner, so you all have a chance to rest and recharge before we get into, well, m-my stuff.”

 

“Sweetheart,” Jay says seriously. I look up at him, and am pinned in place with the force of his dark brown gaze 

 

“I am so fucking proud of you for sharing this with us,” he says gently, “We don’t have to talk about it now if you want some time to eat, but I promise that Aiden and I are way more interested in listening to you than we are in watching you try your hardest to lie to us.”

 

I frown, and sniffle a little bit. “Was I that bad at it?” I ask confusedly.

 

“Absolutely abysmal,” Aiden replies in a kind voice, “but extremely cute, also.” He gives me a genuine smile. “We can give you all the space you need before we talk more about this. Though I would love to ask, in the meantime, if you’d like us to call you a different name? And/or use different pronouns for you?”

 

Fuck. I squeeze my eyes shut as emotions storm through my brain. But here I go, I guess. 

 

“I’m, um, I think I’m maybe um, a girl? So she/her, please, and my name might be, ah, Dawn. I-if that’s okay?” I ask timidly.

 

Jay’s actually crying now, but also smiling happily? Aiden has one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen on his face. 

 

“I’m really sorry I can’t be your s--” I start

 

“Sad lonely in-the-closet daughter pretending to be our son?” Aiden cuts in with a gentler smile and a raised cyan eyebrow.

 

I stare at him. “...yeah,” I finish lamely.

 

“You’ve got absolutely nothing to apologize for, my darling daughter Dawn,” Jay says serenely, “we still love you with all our hearts, all of us.”

 

I am wholly unprepared for hearing my adopted dad call me his daughter, and it nearly shuts me down completely. I stare at him, slack jawed. 

 

It’s that easy? I think confusedly, I’m out now?

 

I don’t know how long I turn those facts over and over in my mind, lost in my own head. I only realize I’m crying when I feel Jay’s strong arms wrap around me in a tight hug, which grounds me back in reality enough to realize my face is streaked with tears.

 

“I love you so much,” he whispers in my ear.

 

“Th-thanks dad,” I say haltingly, absolutely overcome with emotion. I reach up and clutch tightly to his arm that’s wrapped around my chest

 

As he holds me like that, Aiden joins in on the other side of my chair. They both hold me tight for a few timeless moments. And it’s there, wrapped up in both my dads’ embrace, that I feel the damn blocking up all my emotions start to unravel. I let out a brief sob, clutching tightly to these two beautiful human beings. 

 

I’m not alone. I’m not losing my family, I affirm to myself. 

 

My dads keep hugging me as a few more sobs wring themselves out of my system. Once I’ve calmed down a bit, they give me one final reassuring double bear hug squeeze, and then step back, releasing me.

 

Across the table I can now see Sky’s got tears in their light brown eyes, and a glance to my left reveals Ellie looking at me a bit wistfully. I smile at her, and she smiles back. But I can tell she’s wishing she were in my place, right now. 

 

I look up to find both my dads hovering behind me on either side of my chair.

 

“Thank you both so much,” I say as steadily as I can manage. I need to talk to her, let her know it’s okay to come out as soon or as late as she wants to.

 

“Of course, Dawn,” Aiden says with a smile, reaching out to stroke a few fingers through my hair.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Jay says softly.

 

Aiden steps away slightly, and then turns to look at Ellie.

 

“Did you have news you wanted to share as well?” he asks gently, kindly.

 

Ellie’s eyes widen. She looks like a deer caught in headlights. Whatever had possessed her to start coming out earlier has clearly vacated the premises. Even if she might want to come out now, I don’t want it to be forced out of her. She gets enough of that from her own parents. 

 

“Nah,” I say, cutting her off before she can speak, “he was just trying to cover for me. Thank you for that, by the way,” I say with a sincere smile.

 

She looks from me to Aiden and back, clearly relieved that the pressure’s off, but also unsure of that relief.

 

“Actually,” she replies cautiously, “I’d kinda like to come out too, if that’s okay? If-if I’m not stealing your spotlight too much?” her voice gets quieter and more stressed as she speaks, clearly convincing herself that that’s exactly what she’s doing. She shrinks into her seat.

 

“You absolutely are not,” I say firmly, offering her my hand. “Please share with the class. We can have a joint show-and-tell.”

 

She reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it tightly as I squeeze back. “Okay,” she says a bit more firmly.

 

She tilts her head to the side, and I catch her eyes going a little out of focus. “Well, um, I’m ah, I’m Ellie?” There’s a pause, then her eyes refocus on me and her smile grows radiant. “Yeah,” she says more confidently, “I’m Ellie. And I’m a girl, and I’m using she/her pronouns with you all. But I don’t know if I’ll come out more broadly yet.”

 

Both of you!?” Sky asks incredulously, at the same time Aiden excitedly says, “That’s fantastic, Ellie! Would you like a hug as well?”

 

She nods, and my lanky science dad leans down to wrap her gently in his arms. He cradles her as she starts to cry. And her crying gets my own waterworks going again. Gods, I had no idea emotions could be so powerful when I just let myself feel them.

 

Jay gets a turn to hug her next, and then I stand up and hug her as well, tightly. It’s quite some time before I unwrap her from my arms and retake my seat.

 

It feels absolutely surreal, being here with all my favorite people in the world, knowing that each and every one of them has accepted this part of me that has lain dormant so long. I feel more energetic, more free, than I have in what feels like forever. 

 

“Well,” Aiden says, bringing all eyes in the room to rest on him, “since we’ve got two newly minted girls here, how about we have a little party the rest of tonight?”

 

“Hell yeah!” Sky and Eve cheer at the same time. 

 

I can see Ellie blushing at least as much as I am.

 

“I’m down,” I say with a smile. Ellie nods her own wordless affirmation.

 

“Well that was easy,” Jay remarks, “looks like it’s time to see if you two girlies are any better at Mario Party than you were before.”

 

And with that, he gleefully heads into the family room to set everything up. 

 

“Oh you’re so on,” I say with a grin.

 

Aiden starts to get out alcohol and mixers for the four of us over twenty one, and two small glasses of wine for Sky and Eve.

 

The rest of us set about cleaning up our food, boxing up and putting everything we don’t want to eat while playing into the fridge. All the while we discuss how we want to team up this time, since the latest Mario Party game had yet again been set up to only allow four players. 

 

In the end it is Ellie and I on a team, Aiden and Jay on a team, and Sky and Eve both playing solo. I figure Ellie and everyone else in her head could use a few breaks during the night, and the gods know I need some down time to process everything happening as well.

 

I find myself smiling softly as I load up some plates into the dishwasher. The storm of coming out to the rest of the world looms before me, but it seems so much less scary now that I’ve got my whole family by my side again. I think I can actually do this.

 

I catch my amber eyes in the window set behind the sink, and I stare for a moment. I probe my reflection, willing myself to see a girl in the mirror the same way I can see the girl in Ellie. And for the first time in my entire life, I recognize the faintest traces of femininity in my own reflection.

 

End of 

Chapter 14.ed - What’s in a Family

Author’s Note: 

I did not know the daduo would both be ‘Mr. Anderson’ until Ellie said it with her mouth in the beginning of this chapter. I can now only hear people referring to them with Agent Smith of the Matrix’s voice.

Thanks to PurpleCatGirl and the wonderful folks on her patreon discord server for help with prereading and editing!

And thank YOU for reading!!!

UPDATE 01/29/22: de -> ed

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