Chapter 15.me – Mind Games
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Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 15.me - Mind Games

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Madelaine

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Saturday Sept. 07 2019, 9:35pm, The Beach - ]

 

I’m out walking the mental treeline again, the salty sea air blowing through my short hair in a pleasantly refreshing way.

 

I’d decided to take some time away from reality once Ellie started playing Mario Party with the Andersons. Coming out had gone surprisingly well for her, especially since neither of us had wanted to do it earlier today. But Ellie and I had decided that the best way we can support Dawn is to be right there in the trenches of identity with her, fighting to change the world’s perceptions of us together. 

 

I’d also had an epiphany during that tense dinner conversation: I do not want to be known to the rest of the world. Ellie had tentatively agreed to try out being the ‘face’ of us. Other people in our life will come to know us as Ellie once we decide to come out, but only those who we trust implicitly, like Dawn, will know about our plurality. Being trans is slowly gaining some modicum of social acceptance, but being dissociative? That's still depicted as being part violent and part tragedy in mainstream media.

 

As for who else we’ll tell about our connection to Anne, that remains to be seen. So far Anne’s been quite distant since our conversation with Dawn and her earlier today, which is new. It took concentrated effort for Ellie or I to reach out to her earlier. It seems that our bond, whatever it is, might have some limitations. I wonder if normal plural systems get tired like this? I have no idea, but I intend to find out as soon as Ellie’s alone and near a computer. 

 

I reach the end of my little pacing path, which I’ve marked with a piece of driftwood. It’s about a seven minute walk away from the ‘viewing tree’ as Anne had called it. Not that time seem to hold a whole lot of meaning in this mental world. The jungle starts to grow closer to the shore here, and the land around me starts to get a little fuzzy. The noises of the jungle and the sea get a bit more distant, and the world beyond my marker looks a tad out of focus, like I’m wearing an older pair of glasses. 

 

I assume this is the limit of Anne’s little beach world in our mind, though I still have no real clue as to how this place exists. Anne’d said it was basically a daydream, but that does not account for how vivid and real it feels to be here. Not to mention how I can be here while my body's out there doing Ellie's bidding. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to ask Anne about it soon.

 

A light breeze blows in from the ocean, and I stand facing it with my eyes closed for a moment, enjoying the way it tickles across the exposed skin of my arms and face. As it dies down, I sigh.

 

I find myself getting pulled into further rumination. One question that’s been nagging at me since I came into existence is why? Why do I exist, why do I feel so separate from Ellie and yet share the same history as her? When did we split from each other?

 

I shove my hands in my black jeans’ pockets and start back towards the tree house. I know almost nothing about plurality, only what I’ve gleaned from Anne and Ellie, but I feel like there’s got to be some reason for a dissociative identity to split off from normal consciousness. What the heck had happened in our life to cause this?

 

I spend my entire walk back trying to recall our childhood, searching for some event that feels big enough to warrant my creation. I have vague memories of beatings from our parents, and other punishments that left us wanting to be anywhere but our body. But obviously we must have both been there back then, else how would I remember it?

 

As I near the big ass black barked and orange leaved viewing tree, I’ve gotten no closer to answering my existential question. I push through the heavy blackout curtain that Anne had conjured up for us, and step inside the giant open room.

 

I find a ready distraction from my troubles sitting in front of the giant screen watching Ellie play Mario Party: Anne. She’s curled up on one of the love seats near the edge of the viewing area, looking almost forlorn.

 

I stay quiet as I walk up to her, but do scuff my feet a bit to let her know I’m here. She glances at me with that melancholic look on her face, nods, and then turns back to the screen.

 

“Heya,” I say in quiet greeting.

 

“Hello,” Anne replies softly.

 

I settle into an armchair next to her, and watch her curiously out of the corner of my eye. To my knowledge she’s never just hung out in our head like this. There’s always been a task to focus on or a crisis to solve. Not to mention we’d tried reaching out to her earlier and had no success.

 

All around us, the sounds my body is hearing are being played at a reduced volume. I can even smell the popcorn in the bowl they’re all passing around out there. 

 

Dawn!” Sky shouts with mock anger, “how dare you steal MY star!

 

Anne smiles sadly at that. And I decide to try my hand at the arcane art of human conversation.

 

“So uh,” I start softly, “What are you doing back here?”

 

Anne glances at me, then back at the screen. “I suppose I’m reminiscing. It’s been so long since we’ve had to worry about our loved ones accepting a change in our identity, but seeing your friend’s family support them like this... it’s important to me in a way I can’t quite articulate.”

 

I look at her with open curiosity. “What sort of identity change did you go through, if you don’t mind my asking?”

 

A ghost of a smile flits across her lips. “Similar to the one you’re beginning. The world demanded we fit into a role for the good of our city, and though we tried our hardest to do so, it simply was not sustainable for us in the long term. That is how I was born into our system: by picking up the pieces of self which the outside world kept chipping away at. I took them in, protected them from further harm.”

 

“Damn,” I reply sadly, “that sounds awful. But I’m glad you were able to protect those parts of yourself. I think that’s kinda what I do here, maybe?”

 

This time her smile is a bit more alive. “Thank you, I am also glad.”

 

There’s a few moments of quiet, as we watch Ellie take her turn as Rosalina. 

 

Then I speak up again. “We tried reaching out to you a little while ago, but couldn’t get through. Do you know why?”

 

She gives me a quizzical look. “I did not detect anything from you. Most likely one or both of our systems were too drained to focus on establishing the connection enough. It takes energy to focus in mindspace, and that extends to moving between our two minds. I’ve helped you and Ellie by setting up some shortcuts, but it’s still a rather arduous task to detach your perception enough from this reality and at the same time begin to perceive my reality.”

 

I digest all of that for a few moments. Anne returns to watching Ellie watch Dawn kick butt at an obstacle course mini game.

 

“Do you need to be like, listening for us in order for us to get to your mind?” I ask out of curiosity. Whether or not I believe she’s separate from us aside, I’d like to know how to get in touch with her if the need arises.

 

“Not necessarily, now that I’ve solidified our connection with the bridge. But it certainly helps if there’s someone to help guide you to our sanctuaries once you reach our side of the connection.” She talks without looking at me, which is kind of nice actually. I can focus on interpreting what she’s saying instead of worrying about maintaining a normal facial expression. 

 

“Okay, so what were you focused on earlier? Ellie said she couldn’t find her way to you,” I ask.

 

Anne frowns at the screen.

 

“I was talking with our sister, Leahna,” she explains, ”She’s one of the city Academy’s experts on people with connections like ours. We were attempting to understand how we were connected, or why. But mostly we were left with more questions than answers.”

 

I let out a low whistle. “That’s pretty damn convenient. She didn’t know anything about our connection?”

 

“Well, she said that all the accounts she’s studied have spoken of some sort of powerful third party that both parties were familiar with. Like a god both parties worship, or a powerful spirit they both know, who provides the power necessary to connect them through the veil. As far as I know, you’ve had no contact with anyone like that, right?”

 

Now it’s my turn to frown. “No, I didn’t even know if gods and spirits were real things.”

 

Anne turns slightly and raises an eyebrow at me. 

 

Right. She’s a priestess, or something? I raise my hands in a surrender gesture. “I know they exist in your world, just never seen ‘em in ours.”

 

“Sometimes,” she says with a faint smile, “believing is seeing. But anyway, Leah’s never heard of a bonded pair with no clue as to why they were bonded. We’ll sneak into the older parts of the archives tomorrow and see what we can find.”

 

Now it’s my turn to raise an eyebrow. “Why the secrecy?” I ask.

 

“Because like we told you, bonded pairs have been disappearing mysteriously for the last hundred years in my city. Either the person in my world has been killed, or they simply vanished one day with no recorded follow up investigation. It’s particularly concerning, because my city is supposed to be a place where such heroes are lauded and celebrated,” she explains, her voice filled with frustration.

 

“So, your city’s a trap for people like us?”

 

“Apparently,” she says with an angry huff.

 

There’s a sudden bout of cheering from all around us, and we both turn to find that Eve has won the whole Mario Party game. Sky’s hugging her and everyone else is complimenting her strategies. 

 

So what the hell have you two been talking about? Ellie asks, her voice appearing in my mind like a foreign thought.

 

“Maddelaine will have to fill you in,” Anne replies, “I should return to my family.”

 

It’ll be my pleasure, I say with a wry smile, broadcasting my thought to both Ellie and Anne. 

 

“Perhaps tomorrow I can teach you both more about your internal world here?” Anne asks.

 

Uh, sure? Ellie says, I don’t think we have any plans for tomorrow yet.

 

“Sweet,” I say, curious to find out what Anne plans to ‘teach’ us, “it’s a date.”

 

Anne leaves across her bridge shortly after that. I watch Ellie help clean up all the food and game paraphernalia, and then start pacing back and forth before the viewing screen as she says good night to everyone and prepares for bed.

 

What’s got you all riled up? Ellie asks as we head up the stairs with Dawn, Sky and Eve. 

 

I shrug. Anne said ‘bonds’ like ours are supposed to have a third party guiding them, like a god or something. I don’t suppose you’ve been worshipping any deities behind my back?

 

I feel one of the body’s eyebrows rise. No, can’t say that I have, Ellie replies.

 

Right, so I’m just puzzling through it all. Trying to remember if we were ever in a god-worshipping or spirit-befriending state where Anne might have split off from us.

 

Our face frowns. You still thinking she’s not really magic, even after the lightshow?

 

I shrug to myself. I don’t know what I think, that’s why I’m thinking about it.

 

Well keep thinking, oh Maddie of the thoughts. I’ll get us some sleep.

 

With that, we retreat to our own thoughts once more. And soon enough Ellie’s wriggling into a comfortable position on the couch while Dawn settles into the air mattress.

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Ellie

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

I awake the next morning from pleasant dreams. I stretch luxuriously in the warmth of the blankets, reveling in the softness and the quiet.

 

For several timeless moments, I just enjoy the comfort I’ve found myself in. 

 

And then, quite suddenly, I realize I feel completely alone.

 

Maddie? I think sharply, with a burst of panic.

 

Had yesterday been a dream? Am I alone in my head again? 

 

You will be if you keep making all this racket, Madelaine responds irritatedly.

 

Oh thank the gods, I think at her.

 

Don’t thank them too quickly, they might be what got us into this mess, she says dourly.

 

I find myself smiling despite her grumpiness. It’s nice to not be alone.

 

Somehow, Maddie conveys the feeling of giving me a bear hug quite realistically. You’re never gonna be alone again if I can help it, cupcake, she says with determination.

 

I wrap my arms around myself, hugging our body tightly and letting Maddie know full well that I’m hugging her.

 

H-hey! Illegal! You can’t use my own body against me! she protests. 

 

Come over here and stop me, I say cheekily.

 

Maybe I will! 

 

What follows can best be described as a strange mental tug-of-war between us, each of us trying to gain control of our arms to hug the other. Nothing much happens physically except that we keep hugging ourselves a little tighter here and there and then relaxing again. But internally we’re both cracking up and it’s all I can do to keep from laughing out loud into the silence of reality.

 

In the midst of this, I feel a faint flutter of another presence in the back of our mind. 

 

Maddie ends up wresting control of the body from me, and spends a few moments furiously hugging herself and transmitting the feeling directly to me. 

 

I cross my arms and pout in front of the viewing screen. Anne chuckles from behind me.

 

I turn to find her standing there, clad in the same brown skirt and green blouse as yesterday. Come to think of it, I’m also still in the black scoop-neck shirt and skinny jeans that I’d been wearing the first time Anne put me in this body.

 

“What are you doing here so early?” I ask her curiously.

 

“I believe we had a ‘date’ for teaching you both more about this internal mindspace?” she asks with a wry smile.

 

Madelaine suddenly pops into existence beside me, complete with a poof! sound effect.

 

“Heyyy,” they complain, “I wasn’t done hugging Ellie yet!”

 

“I distracted Ellie with my presence, so I thought I’d include you in these discussions. But you’re free to go back to hugging yourself if you like,” Anne replies.

 

They cross their arms over their black Invocation Array tee shirt. “Fine,” they say with a pout, “so what’s on your lesson plan for today, teach?”

 

Anne rolls her eyes. “You’re lucky I’m inside your head and can decipher your ‘slang’ words, Madelaine.”

 

“Trust me,” I chime in, “you get used to it.”

 

Madelaine sputters a bit. “We’ve only been separate for less than a day! What do you mean you get used to it?”

 

I smirk at her. “We may have been unaware of each other, but now that I know about you I can recognize tons of times when you were talking to friends or whoever and used words that I’d never ever consider saying out loud to real human people.”

 

Maddie clutches a hand to their heart like they’ve been mortally wounded. “Oh gods, how could I ever have come from the same mind that created such a killjoy?”

 

“I am not a killjoy!” I protest.

 

“Both of you, please settle down,” Anne cuts in, heading off whatever joke Maddie was about to make at my expense. “I’m here to help you, and I’d like to get back to my family before too long. Okay?”

 

“Yes, Anne,” we both chorus, with only a little bit of cheekiness.

 

“Great,” she says with a roll of her eyes. “Anyway, have either of you figured out how to create things in this world that stick around, yet?”

 

I glance at Maddie to find my clueless look mirrored on their face. “Ah, no,” Maddie answers.

 

“I still don’t know how any of this is even possible,” I add.

 

“I see,” Anne says, looking slightly weary, “I suppose that’s to be expected, since you got to this stage of your internal world almost entirely because of my help.”

 

“Hey we’re eager to learn,” Maddie says quickly, “and we’ll try our best, promise.”

 

“Very well,” Anne replies, “Let’s start with the basics. You’re both familiar enough with this place by now, do either of you at least have a guess as to how all this exists?”

 

“From what you’ve explained before, it sounds like this is a stable dream that we’re able to enter and exit at will?” I offer.

 

“Yes, more or less,” Anne says, “your dreams are created in much the same way this place is, though I suspect here more closely resembles my dreams rather than your own. I like to include as many of the senses as possible when designing places like this.”

 

“So how did you create this weird dream in our head?” Maddie asks curiously. It sounds like she’s shifted into serious mode.

 

Anne hesitates. “How about we get the basics down first? The answer to that question is... complicated.”

 

Maddie raises an eyebrow. “Alright,” she acquiesces. 

 

“The first step towards changing something about this mindspace is belief. Everything here is created by your belief that this place exists, that this is real in some sense.”

Announcement
[ - content warning: discussion of nonconsensual headspace manipulation - ]

I frown. “But this place is, or at least was, unbelievable to us. It definitely existed before we believed in it, how?”

 

Anne hesitates a bit again. “I created this small corner of your mind in order to protect the connection back to my system. I suppose you could say that I tricked you both into letting me create this island here, but I assure you I never meant you any harm.” 

 

I glance at Maddie, and find them looking suspiciously at Anne. 

 

“In a different light,” Anne continues, “we could say that you’ve both trusted me enough to join me in this space whenever I call you here. My absolute belief in this space allowed me to share it with you. And then, once you were properly aware of each other, you’ve continued to treat this space as a real, stable location in your mind, so it has continued to be so.”

 

“That sounds like a whole lot of bullshit,” Maddie says evenly, “but okay. So you came into our head and immediately started fucking with it?”

 

Anne winces, then nods. “When I first came here I had no idea if you were going to try and take advantage of my system or not, so I created this island to protect the link to our connection, to hide it from you if necessary. I’ve already dealt with my system being chipped away at by the world throughout my whole childhood. I was not about to take a chance with an alien presence in my head starting that shit again.”

 

I purse my lips, considering this. 

 

Maddie looks humorless. “Okay,” they say cautiously, “I don’t like it, obviously, but that makes some sense.”

 

Anne shrugs. “Though I control things here - which is why this place feels so foreign and strange to you both - it’s still part of your mind. With enough concerted effort, you could be rid of me and this island for good I suspect.”

 

I raise an eyebrow, glancing at Maddie and then back to Anne. “You realize that that would pretty much solve all our current problems, right?”

 

Maddie snorts. “As if you could just turn your back on the possibility of magic existing in this capitalist hellscape of a world.”

 

I throw an irritated glance at her. “Maybe I can!” 

 

“Before we move to the exiling of the Anne, maybe we should help you both learn how to create your own headspaces first? At least then you won’t be stuck with nothing concrete but this space.”

Announcement
[ - end cw - ]

Maddie shifts on her feet, standing up a little straighter. “Okay, how about this: you teach us both how to make our own space, and then we’ll set up a space or two without you, so we’ve got places to be alone if we need them.”

 

“That’s a very good idea!” Anne says, her face brightening. 

 

“First, how about you each create something to serve as your focus during headspace manipulation. It can be anything you can imagine, but if you need inspiration, mine was a paintbrush at first, Amira’s was a sword, and Ania’s was a flute.”

 

I glance at Maddie. “I want a pen,” I say.

 

“I want a staff,” my headmate replies. 

 

Anne’s smile grows deeper. “Excellent! Both of you close your eyes and focus. Imagine the object you want resting in your hand or hands, gripped comfortably.”

 

I focus as my eyes close. Imagining a pink ballpoint pen grasped in my right hand.

 

“Perfect!” Anne says. “Now, if I wanted to keep doing things for you, here’s where I’d tell you that my magic is what makes the object real in your hand. That’s not going to help you in the long run though, so you have to decide why this object, out of all the other possible things you could have chosen, is going to exist in this internal world for real. Why do you want to make this object as stable as the rest of this dream?” 

 

I open my eyes, staring at the empty space in my raised right hand. “We want to make these objects to prove to ourselves that we can,” I say quietly. 

 

“Exactly!” Anne replies brightly. 

 

“What do you mean when you say you could ‘do this for us’,” Maddie asks, “how the hell does that work?”

 

“Easy! I’d use my own belief to create those objects and hold them steady for you until you start to believe in them yourselves,” Anne says, “Once you trusted that your foci were ‘real’, I wouldn’t have to maintain them anymore because you’d be doing that yourselves.”

 

I close my eyes again. Focus all of my attention on the feeling of the bright hot pink pen with glittery gel ink that can be any color I imagine. I feel kinda stupid, but I gently ease those fears out of my head. I can do this. I’ve lucid dreamed once or twice before. I can create this pen, no problem. 

 

I twirl the pen with my fingers, imagining how it would feel and trying to trick myself into actually feeling it against my skin. After a few repetitions, I put my arm down at my side. I open my eyes to find Anne watching me with a small smile. I grip the pen a little tighter beside myself. 

 

But when I look down to my hand, there’s nothing there. 

 

I glance to Maddie beside me, and find her brow is furrowed as she reaches out and curls her fingers around empty air. 

 

After another moment, she opens one of her eyes a sliver and lets out a curse.

 

“It takes some practice, and some getting used to,” Anne says gently. “You both did excellently for your first attempt. I could feel both objects struggling to come into being despite the many doubts you both still have.”

 

She laces her fingers together and cracks her knuckles. “Would you like my help creating these, to get you started? Or do you want to focus on the world building first?”

 

I grimace. “Let’s get these down first, no helping! Unless we ask.”

 

“Yeah I’m good with that, can you do the slow down outside time thing?” Maddie asks.

 

“Already doing it,” Anne answers. “I look forward to each of you getting the hang of this.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of 

Chapter 15.me - Mind Games

 

 

Hello beautiful readers!

We've been going back and forth on this: for anyone familiar with tgstorytime.com, is it still worth publishing stories to that site?

Specifically, I am guessing a decent number of eggs still frequent that site because it's so easy to find when looking for trans stories. I'd like to post Acceptance there, because I wish I could have stumbled across something like it way back when. But I'm aware that the site moderators have done some shitty stuff, and I don't have the full details of what happened so I don't know if the harm of giving the site more content outweighs the good of giving some hard boiled eggs vitally important info about transness. If I post it, it would be several chapters behind Scribblehub, with recommendations to check it out on Scribblehub if I can do that.

Should we post Acceptance to tgstorytime.com?
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  • No Votes: 3 13.6%
  • I don't care Votes: 4 18.2%
  • No preference Votes: 12 54.5%
Total voters: 22 · This poll was closed on Apr 24, 2022 03:29 AM.
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