Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 19.e - Taking Chances

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Ellie

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Sunday Sept. 08 2019, 12pm, Jay’s Study - ]

 

Way to go! I cheer from the viewing tree. 

 

That was awesome! Madelaine exclaims from beside me. 

 

Anne’s smiling with our body, standing beside the desk where she’s just performed actual literal magic for the second time this weekend. 

 

“I’ll be damned,” Jay says quietly from by the door. 

 

“Yeah, same,” Dawn says beside him.

 

Anne appears inside the viewing tree beside Maddie and I. “I hope that was convincing enough?” she asks.

 

Maddie nods. “Oh yeah, I’m reeling. I can’t wait to see what Jay’s stuff recorded.”

 

“You did amazing Anne!” I say, throwing my arms wide in a clear invitation for a hug. 

 

Anne smiles and steps over to me, and we embrace tightly. “Thank you,” I say quietly.

 

“Any time cutie pie,” she replies.

 

We separate a moment later, and I catch sight of Maddie smirking beside us. My cheeks burn hotly. 

 

“Well,” Jay’s voice echoes around us from the physical world, “that was amazing, and I need a drink.”

 

“Right there with you,” Dawn says with a slightly shocked grin. 

 

Internally, Anne speaks up. “I would like to return to my world now, Amira worries about me here.”

 

“Cute,” Maddie says, “Go ahead, we’ve got this.”

 

“Yeah I’ll come find you if we need you,” I add.

 

“Thank you both,” Anne says, waving goodbye. 

 

A moment later she vanishes from my awareness. 

 

“Do you want to do the honors?” Maddie asks, gesturing towards the viewing screen.

 

“Sure,” I say with a shrug and a smile. 

 

I step forward and focus my mind on the faint feelings of our physical body. After a moment, I draw myself fully towards the body’s senses and let my awareness of the inside of the viewing tree fade. My vision refocuses as I settle firmly into the ‘front’ of our mind, and I see Jay already moving towards me to get at his equipment.

 

“Excuse me, Anne,” he says quietly.

 

I smile as I move aside. “Anne just went back to her world, this is Ellie now.”

 

“Of course,” Jay replies warmly, “then excuse me, Ellie.” 

 

I shuffle out of the way and over to Dawn. 

 

“That was incredible,” she says softly.

 

“It was,” I agree.

 

“How are you all feeling?”

 

“Amazing for me, stunned for Maddie. How about you?” I ask.

 

“A little shell-shocked I think,” she replies, “but ecstatic that it worked, too!”

 

I grin. “Thanks for believing in her,” I say sincerely.

 

From the other side of the room, Jay swears under his breath. His back is to us and the camcorder’s viewfinder is open in his hands.

 

“What’s up?” Dawn calls.

 

“Oh nothing,” he replies casually, “just updating my entire conception of reality.”

 

There’s a moment of quiet, and as it sinks in so does a feeling of hope. We’ve got Jay to help us now. Suddenly, figuring all this out doesn’t seem quite so impossible.

 

“It does take some getting used to,” I say, “but I’m really happy that you’re taking this so seriously.”

 

“Of course I am, esoteric stuff is my passion! Alongside the ever-unfolding beast that is western history,” he replies.

 

He walks back over to Dawn and I and proffers the camcorder. “Have a look.”

 

The video is paused on my body standing before the desk, staring intently down at the sigils drawn on the sheet of paper before them. When Dawn thumbs the ‘play’ button, not much changes except the faint rise and fall of Anne’s breathing. 

 

It’s really weird seeing my own body and calling it someone else’s. But Anne had been fronting, I didn’t do any of this.

 

On the screen, Anne takes in a deep breath and opens my moss green eyes. There’s no change that I can detect on the paper, but she gives it a little satisfied smile.

 

“I’m ready,” she calls out.

 

Behind her there’s a shift in lighting as the door opens. I can just make out Dawn in the shadows behind Anne, Jay is completely off-screen. Anne furrows her brow, and then the entire screen goes white for a brief moment. There’s no sound, just a flicker of bright white light centered on the paper in front of Anne.

 

“Yes!” comes Dawn’s exclamation.

 

“Holy shit,” comes Jay’s quiet reaction.

 

I look up from the camcorder to see Jay fiddling with the black flip-phone looking microphone. 

 

“Hmm,” he says conversationally, “this didn’t pick up anything out of the ordinary, but the EMF reader shows a slight fluctuation shortly before and immediately after Anne casts her spell.”

 

“Gods,” Dawn says, “this is unbelievable.” She rewinds the camcorder and plays the video again, pausing on a frame that’s almost entirely white save for some texture around the edges. “But here it is, proof that magic, of some sort, exists.”

 

“That video probably won’t convince anyone determined to believe otherwise, but it’s a great place to start the conversation,” Jay says, putting his mic down on the desk and turning to face us.

 

“How are you two holding up?” he asks, glancing back and forth between Dawn and I. “Or I should say, how are you all doing?”

 

I look at Dawn to find her looking at me. I smile. 

 

“Good,” I reply, “for the first time since all this started, I’m doing pretty good. Maddie’s still processing things, but overall they're good too.”

 

“I’m okay, and excited and scared and a little dazed, too,” Dawn says, smiling back at me.

 

“Awesome,” Jay replies, “What would you like to do next?”

 

I consider the question for a moment, glancing again in Dawn’s direction. What should we do next? I really hadn’t planned past this point.

 

“I didn’t think we’d get this far, so I’ve no idea,” Dawn says, echoing my thoughts.

 

“Same,” I agree, “what do you think we should do?”

 

Jay crosses his arms, looking from Dawn to me and back. 

 

“I think we should get that drink,” he says after a moment, “and I’d like to bring Aiden into the fold, if that’s okay with you.”

 

I hesitate. 

 

Do it, Maddie advises, another trusted perspective would be welcome imo.

 

But if he doesn’t go for it that’s someone actively disbelieving in Anne, and that’ll make her magic harder I think, I reply.

 

“Do you think he’ll believe us?” I ask.

 

Jay nods. “Oh absolutely. He may not be a fanatic like me, but he’s aware this world is more than we pretend it to be.”

 

It’s a chance we have to take, Maddie decides.

 

I nod slowly. “Okay, I think that’s a good idea then.”

 

“Excellent,” Jay says. He holds out a hand towards the door, “shall we?”

---

[ - 1pm, Anderson Family Kitchen - ]

 

Aiden sits at the head of the kitchen table with a perplexed expression on his face. We’ve been filling him in on everything over a glass of wine, and so far he’s been listening intently. He’s just finished replaying Anne’s video for the third time, and he sets the camcorder down gently.

 

I sit to his right, with Jay across and Dawn on my other side. The atmosphere in the kitchen is quiet, it feels like Jay, Dawn and I are holding our breath waiting to hear what Aiden’s thoughts are. He’s been uncharacteristically quiet throughout this whole story.

 

“Okay, well. First of all, I believe you,” he says, answering our unspoken question. 

 

Dawn and I let out little sighs of relief. Aiden and Jay share a loving smile.

 

“I know enough about Jay’s hobbies to know there’s more to this life than meets the eye, even aside from the fact that I trust you all more than enough to take this seriously,” Aiden says.

 

His right hand combs through his cyan hair, and he can’t seem to help but smile. “Secondly, this is cool as hell. It’s been a while since I’ve seen evidence of the occult this strong.”

 

What the hell? Maddie thinks from inside our viewing tree, Since when do adults already just believe in magic?

 

Maybe we’ve been hanging out with the wrong kinds of adults, I muse.

 

“You’ve seen stuff like this before? Since when are my parents so chill about everything?” Dawn asks, incredulous.

 

“Since long before you were born,” Aiden replies with a smile.

 

Jay chuckles.

 

A quiet descends over the four of us, and I find myself wondering how on earth Maddie and I got so lucky to find a surrogate family like the Andersons.

 

Luck had nothing to do with it, we’ve been crushing on Dawn since the first time we saw her, Maddie says.

 

I’d say luck helped us find her in the first place, I reply.

 

Maddie rolls her metaphysical eyes at me.

 

“So,” Aiden says, “now that we’re all on the same page, what do you two girls want to do now?”

 

I glance at Dawn and she nods my way. “I’ll let Ellie answer that,” she says, “she’s the one that’s had to deal with all this alone until now.”

 

I frown thoughtfully.

 

What do you think? I ask Madelaine.

 

I think we need about two years of rest, they reply.

 

Thanks, very helpful, I think back.

 

I refocus my attention on the Anderson family. “I think I need some time to process everything,” I say, “but I really, truly appreciate you all. I don’t know what I would’ve done without Dawn’s support, and having you dads on board is something I never even thought of until Dawn mentioned it.”

 

Jay and Aiden both give me patient smiles, and Dawn beams at me. 

 

“How about Aiden and I go do some research, and you two go have a chill rest of your Sunday,” Jay suggests.

 

“That sounds good to me,” Aiden says. 

 

“Me too!” Dawn replies.

 

“Perfect,” I say. I glance at Dawn. “Time for more tee-bap?” 

 

She grins at my shortening of To Be a Princess. “I’ll be your princess anyday, milady.”

 

Jay coughs, and Aiden suddenly seems very interested in the camcorder before him.

 

I sigh. “I can’t take you anywhere,” I say to Dawn. “Let’s go upstairs.”

 

And we do.

---

[ - 6pm, Anderson Family Game Room, content warning: talk of transphobia, talk of parental abuse - ]

 

Dawn and I spend a couple of hours grinding in To Be a Princess, leveling up our characters so we can kick as much bad guy ass as we want in the later stages of the game.

 

It’s during a lull in the action that Dawn pauses the game and turns to me on the sofa. 

 

“Have you thought about whether you’re gonna try to come out at school?” she asks.

 

I frown, setting my controller down. “Not really,” I admit.

 

“That’s totally fair,” she assures me, “I’ve just been thinking about it myself. I don’t know if I’ll come out to anyone tomorrow, but I might start talking to close friends throughout the week, get a feel for how much outside support I’ll have?”

 

“That sounds like a good idea,” I say. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to come out to anyone outside your family. I can’t let my parents find out, not yet. That’ll be a battle for some other month or year.”

 

Dawn grimaces. “I was afraid of that. Is there any harm in trying to come out to some of the D and D group?” 

 

I tilt my head, considering it. “Maybe, but I’d need them to keep quiet about it. Do you think they’re trustworthy?”

 

She shrugs. “How about I test the waters first, and you can decide who you want to talk to based on their response to my coming out?”

 

“That’s not a bad idea, but I don’t want to force you to come out any faster than you want to.”

 

Dawn waves a hand to dispel the idea. “I’ll go at my own pace, don’t you worry.”

 

“Are you sure?” I ask, “I’m really good at worrying.”

 

She rolls her eyes at me and I let myself smile.

 

Then I get serious. “I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, odds are I’ll either be right beside you in coming out to people or I’ll try to bury it for a little while longer, get some safeguards in place before I risk outing myself to my folks.”

 

“Dare I ask what you think the worst case scenario is with them?” 

 

I think about that for a moment, then shudder. 

 

“Worst case is they completely cut me off: kick me out of the house and pull all funding for school,” I decide.

 

Dawn nods with a perturbed expression on her face. 

 

“You know if that happens, my dads will take you in,” she says after a moment.

 

I grimace. “Yeah, but I don’t want to mooch off you all if I don’t have to.”

 

“It’s not mooching, Ellie, it’s love,” she says firmly.

 

I sigh. “Fine, but I still want to try and stay a strapping young lad with my folks for now.”

 

Dawns raises an eyebrow at my attempt at humor. “If you’re sure I won’t push you, but maybe you should consider staying at our house more often. You’re always welcome here.”

 

I stare at her, taking in her compassion and kindness like a flower drinking in the sun’s rays. She’s such a natural at being a cute girl. A really cute girl.

 

I know what you’re thinking, Maddie says. Do it.

 

No, I shouldn’t, I say, but I already know it’s a losing battle. There’s absolutely no part of us that wants to hide how we truly feel.

 

“So hey,” I say quietly, taking my headmate’s advice to heart, “Do you want to date?”

 

Dawn’s eye widen, and her face goes through several different stages of emotion: from shock and awe to joy and wonder. 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I want to date you!” she says excitedly.

 

“Seriously?” I ask, dumbfounded. I hadn’t actually thought that would work.

 

Dawn rises from her spot on the couch and practically tackles me backwards in a bear hug. I let out an oof as we fall backwards onto the couch cushions, Dawn straddling me and hugging me tightly.

 

“Yes!” she says eagerly into my shoulder, “I didn’t want to burden you with more feelings this weekend so I’ve been holding my tongue, but I’ve been massively crushing on you since, like, ever. And realizing we’re both girls has only added fuel to that fire.”

 

“Holy shit, same,” I say with a stupidly large grin.

 

“Do you want to try kissing?” she asks tentatively.

 

“Yes!” 

 

And then she’s straddling me, leaning down so that her lips brush mine in a gentle, tender first kiss. 

 

End of 

Chapter 19.e - Taking Chances