Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 21.d - Cold Home

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Dawn

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[ - Monday, September 9, 2019 - Illinois Technical Institute - ]

 

I walk towards Ellie and I’s usual meeting spot on campus, lost in thought. 

 

Today has held a number of firsts for me. I came out to my two most trusted friends aside from Ellie and Maddie this morning. Jennifer had been overjoyed at the news that I’d finally hatched from my incredibly dense eggshell, and Mark had been surprised but totally accepting. This is also my first full day at school as a self-aware woman, and in class earlier had been the first time hearing my old name actually hurt.

 

I've been Matt for so long, and yet I am ready and eager to drop everything he was and start crafting myself as Dawn from scratch. Everything feels fresh and new, and now that I want to embrace my feminity I start to notice it everywhere. 

 

As usual, Ellie is here a few minutes before me, having come from the computer science building. My walk from the math lab is significantly longer.

 

"Hi Dawn!" Ellie says softly when she sees me. I smile widely, touched at hearing my real name for the first time since I got to school today.

 

"Hello Ellie, Maddie," I reply happily. "And Anne if she's around."

 

Ellie giggles adorably. "She's not here right now, but we'll pass it on."

 

"Thanks," I say. 

 

Ellie falls into step beside me, and we make our way towards the parking garage. The cool autumn air tousles around both our hairs. 

 

"How was your day?" Ellie asks, squinting against the breeze.

 

"It was alright," I say, "I came out to Jen and Mark, and it went well both times. Hearing my old name is starting to majorly suck though."

 

"I totally know what you mean," Ellie replies. "I'm not sure how long we're going to last before we have to come out for our own sake."

 

"So how was you two's day?" I ask.

 

"Pretty similar to yours it sounds like. We came out to Derek in between classes and he was super supportive. I’m actually excited for D&D tomorrow again,” Ellie says.

 

I raise an eyebrow. “I hadn’t even thought of that yet,” I admit, “But yeah I’m kinda excited for it too. I have no problem coming out to all those guys.”

 

We come to a stop at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. There’s a couple people already standing there waiting. As usual there are a ton of cars on the roads as students leave campus.

 

“I don’t know if I’ll come out to everyone at D&D immediately,” Ellie says, “I guess I’ll wait and see how your coming out goes? Oh, what am I saying, I’ll totally come out to back you up.”

 

I give her a grateful smile. “Do whatever feels best to you both, girlfriends,” I say with love.

 

Her face turns beet red as she stares at me with happiness in her eyes. “We will, girlfriend!” she exclaims.

 

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle, and turn to find two women staring at us from a little ways away on the sidewalk. I feel incredibly self conscious as one of them steps forward.

 

“I just want to say, both you girls are adorable,” the tall black haired girl says with a grin, “And I love your lanyard!” She gestures to the trans pride flag lanyard attached to the keys in my pocket.

 

“Yeah, that was super cute,” the brunette behind her agrees.

 

“I’m Beets by the way,” the black haired woman says.

 

“And I’m Tanis,” the shorter one adds.

 

Just then the light turns green ahead of us, and the sign to WALK turns on. 

 

My brain is frozen, unable to comprehend this sudden influx of validation.

 

“U-um,” Ellie starts beside me, “we’re heading to the parking garage, maybe we could walk with you two?”

 

“What a co-inky-dink,” Tanis says, “that’s where we’re heading too!”

 

The four of us fall into step with each other as we traverse the crosswalk, and then we walk in a loose quad formation on the next sidewalk.

 

“So, uh, are you two together?” I ask hesitantly. I feel way out of my social depth here.

 

Beets smiles widely though.  “We are! Thank you for asking, and I’m a trans woman, she/they pronouns, by the way.”

 

“And I’m nonbinary, ze/zir and they/them” Tanis adds cheerfully.

 

“That’s awesome,” Ellie says with awe, “I’m Ellie, trans girl with she/her pronouns.”

 

“And I’m Dawn, trans girl she/her as well,” I say.

 

“Oh my gods those are such pretty names!” Beets exclaims.

 

“Oh gosh, thank you,” I say dazedly. 

 

“What’s that book you’ve got?” Ellie asks Tanis, as we pass by the campus library.

 

“Oh my gods this is Gideon the Ninth,” ze says excitedly, “if you like the idea of lesbian necromancers in space, this is the book for you!”

 

Ze holds it out for Ellie to examine, and she takes it gingerly, turning it over to read the description on the back. The cover is a woman with a skull painted on her face, and a sword held out at a downwards diagonal from her body. Skeletons decorate the dark background.

 

“Okay this looks fucking cool as hell,” Ellie admits as she finishes skimming through the back of the book. 

 

“It is!” Beets agrees. 

 

The four of us continue to chat excitedly as we walk. Tanis and Beets are both in their third year here, studying Mathematics and Architecture, respectively. It feels like no time at all before we’re walking into the shadows of the parking garage. 

 

“We’re here on the first floor,” Tanis says, “Where are y’all parked?”

 

“We’re up on the third floor,” I say with a grimace, “I guess we’ll see you around? Do you want to trade numbers?” 

 

“Oh I’d love to!” Beets replies, whipping out a sleek galaxy smartphone.

 

“What’s your number, I’ll text it?” she says.

 

I give it to her from memory, while Ellie fumbles to draw her phone out of her pocket. 

 

“Here you go,” she finally says to Tanis, reading off her number for them both.

 

“Thank you both so much, we should totally hang out sometime!” Tanis says cheerfully.

 

“Hell yes,” I reply, “We’ll definitely reach out soon!”

 

My phone buzzes with their texts, and I pull it out to swipe away the notifications. 

 

“Alright, we’ll talk to you later!” I say as I wave to them. Ellie and I head on up the ramp to the higher floors. 

 

My head reels from that chance meeting, and I find myself incredibly happy to have met some new potential friends. It seems like no time at all before we’re splitting up to go on either side of my silver hatchback. I unlock the doors and slide into the driver’s seat smoothly, Ellie following suit on the other side of the vehicle. 

 

“So that was wild, huh?” Ellie asks into the silence after we close our doors.

 

“Yeah,” I say with a grin, “That was incredible!”

 

“I guess it’s as they say, friendship is magic,” Ellie replies cheekily.

 

I throw her a wry grin. “Well you’ve got the resident expert on magic connected to that beautiful brain of yours, right? Did we do friendship good?”

 

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Anne’s still not here, but I think I know enough about magic and friendship to know we just did really good on both accounts,” she continues happily.

 

“I bow to your wisdom,” I say whimsically.

 

I put the keys in the ignition and start the car, buckling up as I do so.

 

“What do you want to listen to on your way over there?” I ask Ellie.

 

“It’s gotta be Against Me,” she says solemnly.

 

“Hell yes,” I say with a smile.

 

I put on Delicate, Petite, and Other Things I’ll Never Be, and begin the drive to Ellie’s house.

---

[ - content warning: parental confrontation, light homophobia, misgendering - ]

Downers Grave is Ellie and I’s hometown, just off the BNSF metra railway to Chicago. We’re a little south and a bit west of the city, and it takes us just under an hour to arrive back in our childhood neighborhood.

 

Five more minutes and I’m turning onto Ellie’s driveway. Her parents own a large house in the suburb, and I’d been here a handful of times. Thankfully no one else is home at the moment, so Ellie and I get inside and start packing up toiletries and clothes for her to stay at my place with. 

 

I remembered to bring my hoodie jacket thankfully, so I’m mostly impervious to the chill that permeates the air of the Gramol household. Ellie’s parents keep the thermostat turned way down all the time because they believe it saves money, though I know Ellie and Maddie have gone through the numbers with them numerous times to try and dissuade them from that belief. 

 

I follow Ellie up the large staircase in the center of the main hall and into her bedroom on the right side of the second floor. There she begins pulling out clothes and other necessities and letting me pack them away in her suitcase. 

 

“Thanks so much for your help with this,” she says sincerely, “I don’t know if I’d be okay being here all alone.”

 

“Of course hun,” I say as I wrap her in a tight hug for a moment. “I’m not gonna let you face them alone unless you tell me otherwise.”

 

She returns the hug and smiles gratefully at me. “I figured, you’re an incredible girlfriend, did you know that Dawn?” she asks.

 

I feel my cheeks heating up to dangerous temperatures. “Oh-um, no, no I did not know that. Thank you!” I exclaim.

 

She grins and pulls me into another tight hug. “Well, it’s the truth,” she says softly.

 

“You’re pretty amazing at being my girlfriend too, you know,” I counter.

 

She smiles brightly at me. “Thank you so much Dawn!”

 

As we embrace again, I hear the downstairs doorknob twist and open.

 

“Shit,” Ellie whispers. 

 

Her mother’s voice begins to call out, asking for her son. 

 

“I’m up here mom,” she calls out irritatedly.

 

“Oh thank goodness dear,” her mom says, then deadnames her again. 

 

We stop hugging each other as we hear her mom’s footsteps echoing up the stairs. She’s coming up here all right. 

 

I turn and whisper to Ellie, “Do you have everything?”

 

She grimaces. “I’ll grab the last few things,” she says quietly. She leaves my side and heads for the bathroom across the hall. 

 

Her mom deadnames her again, obviously spotting her moving across the hall.

 

“What are you up to? Don’t you have time to talk to your mother?” 

 

Her mom steps onto the landing and spots me standing practically in Ellie’s doorway. 

 

“Oh hello Matt,” she says with a smile, “I didn’t realize we’d be having company tonight!”

 

“We’re not,” Ellie says flatly, “I’m packing up to spend a few nights at the Andersons' house. We’ve got a school project we need to work on together.”

 

Her mom’s eyes narrow. “Why can’t you work on it here?” she asks.

 

“Because reasons, Mom,” Ellie says, then sighs and elaborates, “The Andersons have agreed to help us with the project. We’ve got all our supplies over there and it would take forever to try and switch between houses.”

 

I’m impressed with Ellie’s lying capabilities. But then I realize she must do this all the time, and I feel a pang of sorrow for her.

 

Her mother is nearly scowling now. “Fine,” she says, just as flatly as her daughter, “go have fun with your friend. I understand you want nothing to do with your real family.”

 

“Mom,” Ellie says warningly. 

 

“What? I’m only saying what’s plain to see,” she says mournfully. 

 

“Okay mom, you caught me, I want nothing to do with this family,” Ellie says sardonically. Or maybe it’s Maddie at this point, I detect a slight change in their speech pattern.

 

Her mom scowls for real this time. She glares at me, and then Ellie. “Then get out of my sight, and have fun sleeping in the same house as those gays,” she says with a sniff.

 

Oof, that’s a low blow. Ellie has told me her parents are mildly homophobic, but this is the first time I’ve seen it in action myself.

 

“Fuck off mom,” Ellie says between clenched teeth. 

 

“Please don’t talk about my dads that way, Mrs. Gramol,” I say with my best customer service voice.

 

She stares at me with pursed lips. “Sorry,” she says, deadnaming me again, “you know how hard it is for me to keep an open mind. I’m sure,” she deadnames Ellie and Maddie again, “has told you all about my husband and I.”

 

I knew we couldn’t technically hold anything against Ellie’s mom because she didn’t know we were trans, and I was hesitant to come out to her without consulting Ellie and Maddie first. So I kept quiet. 

 

“Mom please go do something else,” Ellie pleads, “We’re just leaving.” She sweeps past me into her room, throwing the last of her toiletries into her suitcase and zipping it up. 

 

“Fine, fine,” her mom says, throwing up her hands. “I’ll leave you two in peace. Please text me every night so I know that you’ve not been murdered, okay sweetheart?” 

 

Ellie scowls at her. “I’ll be fine, mom. Good night.”

 

“You are so lucky your father’s still at work,” the woman mutters as she turns and starts back down the stairs.

[ - end content warning - ]

Ellie sticks out her tongue at the retreating parent’s back. 

 

“God I hate her,” she says quietly as we file back into her room. 

 

“I know hun, I’m sorry we ran into her,” I say.

 

“Well, let’s get going,” Ellie says with a huff. “I’m done with this place.”

---

I drive us back to my dads’ house without issue, and we arrive home before anyone else. Only Aiden is around, and he gives us a warm greeting as we walk past his office on the way up stairs. We unpack all of Ellie’s things into my room and the upstairs bathroom, and then we sit and talk for a while.

 

“How are you holding up?” I ask as I settle onto the couch. “I know it can’t have been easy, seeing her like that.”

 

“Oh, we’re hanging in there,” Maddie says. They’d switched in a few moments ago. 

 

“I’m glad, but is there anything I can do to help?” I ask.

 

“No I don’t think so,” they reply, “we’re healing as best we can already.”

 

They cuddle closer to us, wrapping their arms around us and squeezing tight. 

 

“We really, really like you Dawn,” they say softly.

 

“Oh my goddess really?” I say with false excitement, hugging them back hard, “We should totally date!”

 

Maddie rolls their eyes. “We’re already dating you dweeb,” they say with a grin.

 

“Oh yeah,” I say, pretending to re-realize this vital new fact about my life. I grin cheekily at them. “I’m so glad we are.”

 

 

Eventually we start playing To Be a Princess again, doing more grinding so our characters are able to breeze through the next section without risking losing any of our allies. This current level is a desert world with indigenous cactus people that we have to protect from invading enemy troops led by a maniacal scientist.

 

The game holds our attention long into the night, with only a brief break for pizza with the Andersons and then homework for the Dawns and Maddies around eight pm. 

 

We finally head to bed around eleven, agreeing to get some good sleep so we’re wide awake for D&D tomorrow.

 

I lay down on the air mattress, resting my head on my crossed hands. I feel excitement thrumming through my body at the possibilities tomorrow might bring. How quickly can I shift my entire life around so I can finally be Dawn unequivocally, everywhere I go?

End of

Chapter 21.d - Cold Home