Sammy asked me out on a date. That was nice of her.

I accepted on the spot because I owe it to Sammy to spend more time with her without our mutual boyfriend. I hope she’s not mad at me. I’ve known Sammy for thirteen years in my defense, and I’ve only known Sir for one month. That doesn’t mean I love Sammy any less than I always have.

I’m preoccupied with my long-awaited sexual awakening at the tender age of thirty-five. Yay.

We stopped by home to see Sir, and I also dropped off the Little Sir after giving him explicit orders to protect the house. I will not tolerate a single uninvited Halfling. Sadly his capabilities are towards home security endeavors are dismal at best. It’s a shame I can’t access more of my mana, or I’d have already made the little rascal my familiar by now.

Sir gives us some gold, and we kiss him on the cheek, as expected of his women. Then we go off on our merry way. It’s only after we start walking into the main town that we realized the absurdity of going out on a date in Dewhurst of all places.

Where do we go? What is there to do in this town other than drink, gamble, do drugs, buy prostitutes, or regret our life choices?

At first, we just walk around the streets aimlessly. We make small talk. Sammy asks me if I’m ok, so I lie and say yes. I’m getting better at ‘sounding’ convincing because she seems to accept it at face value.

Hurray for bottling up your problems because you’re emotionally stunted and don’t know how to act like a real person.

Our options to do anything are limited. It’s too early for dinner. Otherwise, we could have eaten out somewhere that preferably doesn’t serve meat that was locally butchered.

Eventually, Sammy hits me with an idea. “Why don’t we go back to the bazaar today? You totally wanted to look through all that shady magic shit, didn’t you? C’mon, it’d be fun!”

As a matter of fact, I did. But...

‘We only have 500G. If we go, I will be inevitably sorely upset because I will find something I like, and we won’t be able to take it home with us. I’m not a window shopper. I’m a buyer.’

Sammy shrugs my comment off and insists. “It’ll be fine! We’ll deal with that when it comes up. It’s not like we got anything better to do, Zuzu.”

‘...I suppose you’re right. Let us go, then.’ I say, watching her beautiful face beam with an equally beautiful smile.

And then we went.

Sammy and I hold hands as we enter the packed bazaar. I look younger than my actual age, and Sammy is very protective of me. I can’t say I blame her because I get many looks from a lot of strangers. Especially since I changed into a pretty black and purple gothic lolita dress and swapped out my beret for a tiny top hat. It makes me feel pretty and dapper at the same time. An excellent combination.

Sam’s wearing some rough brown slacks and a red tunic, along with the sling on her back to carry around her great sword. Nothing special, but it suits her.

It’s here where I must make a confession. I actually think I sort of like this part of town. It’s amusing. At least all of Dewhurst’s seediness is out on display openly versus hiding in the shadows. Here, you can laugh at it.

Before the two of us head towards the magic section, we go through some of the stalls that Sammy wants to first, as it’s only fair. She tests out many magical-looking swords, swinging them around with all the reckless abandon of that same little girl who invaded my tower thirteen years ago.

She’s grown up so much since the simpler days of her youth, yet some things never change.

Even when she was a kid, she loved swords, armor, and other such things instead of the typical girlish tripe expected from a Princess. It’s a shame I could never persuade her Father to summon the effort to convince his ministers that Sammy should be allowed to take lessons. If she did, she’d likely be on a completely different level by now. She’s got talent. A lot of it, too.

‘Having fun?’ I ask as she swings an enchanted sword that bursts into flames as soon as it’s swung.

“Hell yeah! You want a swing?” Sammy offers the sword to me with a smile, and I hand her my staff for a brief moment.

I barely lift it over my head, and the weight is too much for me to handle, and I almost drop it. She catches it, though, and pats me on the head.

“There, there. I thought you looked cool, at least! Maybe Niki can help you work on your arm strength.” She says while smiling and putting the sword back into a nearby bucket filled with other blades that have all been enchanted.

‘I would be more than happy if that were never to happen.’ I grimace at the thought. Nikita is a lovely person, but my body was not meant to move the way she wants me to move it...

As Sammy returns the weapon, we both notice that the stall owner is currently passed out from what looks to be some sort of overdose. Foam streams out of his mouth, though, so it could be some sort of Dewhurstian rabies.

Typical.

I poke him a few times with my staff. The owner doesn’t reply. Sadly though, there’s not anything of value that tempts either of us to steal from his stall.

What? It’s not theft if you take it from bad people.

All the weapons are of inferior make, according to Sammy. Although all of them have some level of enchantment, I can tell that they were placed by the rankest and most unskilled of unscrupulous hedge wizards.

I could make better enchantments than these if Gwinlinn had a forge and I had a better alchemy lab stocked with more materials. Sure, making Sammy’s sword catch on fire anytime she wants using a temporary spell is easy. For permanent enchantments, though, it's better to do it when the equipment’s being worked on by a smith.

I’m very limited in what I can contribute to the Guild right now. But one day, I’ll be a lot more helpful. I know it. I need to earn my place at Sir’s side. He says he’ll never get rid of me, and I believe him, but...

That Halfling ruined what little confidence I was starting to build this last month... I don’t want to think about it right now. But it’s hard not to.

If we cross paths with Fleetfoot again, and we will, I don’t care what it takes.

I’m going to destroy them.

“Zuzu? You doin’ okay over there?” Sammy shakes my shoulder lightly.

Shit.

‘Was I doing it again?’

“Yeah, you really need to stop randomly staring off into the middle distance with that blank expression of yours. It’s kinda creepy, in a funny way.” As I blush, Sammy laughs at my misfortune. “What were you thinking about, anyway?”

‘Killing my enemies and making them suffer for what they’ve done to me.’

“...No, yeah. Totally get that but, uh. I think you needed this date a lot more than I realized.”

‘I believe that is also the case.’

“Wanna go over to the magic section now?” Sammy offers me her warm hand.

‘Please.’ I take her hand. It feels nice and soft. Just as good as Sir’s but in a different way.

“You gotta stop thinking about so much negative shit.” Sammy sighs.

‘I know.’

“Well, are you gonna?”

‘Probably not.’

“You’re making this kind of a shitty date, you know?” She laughs, and although she means it as a joke, I start feeling bad.

‘I’m sorry.’

“Zuzu...” She stops in the middle of the crowded bazaar street and frowns at me before pulling me in for a big public hug, much to the joy of Dewhurst’s perverts. “We can go home if you wanna. I wanted to have this date because we don’t spend enough time together, y’know? But it’s not like we can’t wait until some more of this stupid shit blows over.”

‘I don’t want to go home.’ I nuzzle into her crimson tunic silently. ‘I like being out with you, and it makes me feel better. But even when I feel good, I still feel like a wreck.’

She begins to pet my head, and I let out a soft, “Mmm...” sound from my lips.

“Things’ll get better, Zu. Come on.”

‘...When did you grow up so much, Sammy?’ I ask as I pull away and look up into her beautiful face. I can’t help but remember that little girl who always came crying to me over whatever bullshit her family was putting her through. I’d spend hours comforting her just like this...

“Eh, I’m just paying you back for all the times you’ve helped me.” She shrugs, trying to downplay it and hoping I don’t notice her cheeks growing red from my complement.

‘I would kiss you if we weren’t surrounded by disgusting criminals.’

“Later then, I’ll hold you to it!” She winks and leads me by the hand towards the Dewhurst bazaar’s shady portion specializing in selling all sorts of magical goods. I need to restrain myself and not bore Sammy, but that’s easier said than done.

There are all kinds of nonsense here.

A lot of it is your standard monkey’s paw business. I don’t even need to cast an identify magic spell on them to be sure. All prank artifacts and potions tend to have the same magical aura about them. I do have to keep telling Sammy not to pick up this or that.

Every time I stop her from doing so, the various store clerks, without fail, all make an audible “Tch...” under their breath. Stores like these where the seller is obviously trying to fix people’s problems by selling them too good to be true magical knick-knacks are banned in Imperalis. If you want to do that kind of thing, back alleys exist for a reason.

Such laws are, surprisingly, apparently not followed in Dewhurst.

Even if they’re all cursed, the items are very entertaining. Every so often, I cast Identify Magic and get a good giggle out of the result, and then I feel warm inside when I tell Sammy what they do, and she smiles and laughs.

Some of our favorites include...

A pair of underwear that, when worn, will increase your penis size every day with no upper limits. They cannot be taken off...

A pen that will make whoever wields it a great writer but unknowingly curses them to only be able to write lengthy erotica featuring their most depraved fetishes in graphic detail...

An axe for cutting down lumber that transforms the poor, unfortunate tree into a vengeful, low-level treant...

And a jack in the box that contains no surprises inside yet curses the one who opened it to forever wonder what could have been.

Fun stuff.

I would probably pull pranks like these, too, if I had the means to make such items. Obviously, mine would be of a much more harmless nature, but I can’t deny that I like causing a bit of mischief here and there. I’d be lying if I said otherwise.

Sammy and I have our fun looking through these silly stores of mystical misfortune. The day then changes dramatically when we reach a particular tent by the name of Eager Igor’s Quirky Curios...