POV: Lillin, the fifth
Date: May 26, 1997
Time: 10:35 AM

It's hard to find a job when you're a young woman wearing an eye patch to cover up a gruesome injury. It looks very strange, and a lot of people are less than interested in hiring. It's the kind of thing that would drive away customers, and I can understand that. So I had to find myself a line of work where an eye patch isn't a liability. Thankfully, there is one person who was willing to let me intern for them.

I'm not great at clerical work, but Mary is patient. More patient than I deserve, especially since I've been pining for her husband for the last two years. I don't think she knows about that, considering that she occasionally invites me over for dinner. What I would give for her to suddenly get a call and have to rush back to the office, leaving me with John. We could make our way up to the bedroom, and he could take me there in that bed. So long as we're done before she gets back, she'd never have to know. I know it's probably wrong, at least by a lot of modern sensibilities, but I think it should be okay. It wouldn't actually hurt anyone, so why should it be a problem? Really?

"So I want to have sex with him. Is that really so wrong?"

My therapist looks over her glasses at me like she thinks I should know it's wrong. "What do you think about how this might affect your employment if it's discovered?"

I've been thinking about that, I really have, but I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't need to be a problem. "I just won't let it be discovered."

"I see." She jotted down something quickly, then added, "Do you know that he would be willing to reciprocate these feelings?"

What a silly question. He's been very attentive to my needs so far, so how hard would it be to take what we have to the next step? "I mean, why wouldn't he?" I don't see why he wouldn't feel the same way. "It wouldn't be hard to do. His wife is a very busy woman."

"Does it bother you that this could ruin their marriage if it was found out?"

She's still stuck on this idea of getting caught. "No, it's not a problem. We just won't get caught."

"Let me rephrase that." She won't let go of this, will she? "Are you concerned that this might be morally wrong?"

Morally, huh? Yeah, no, I don't think so. "It doesn't bother me, because it's not morally wrong. It would be wrong to let Mary find out. That would hurt her. But wouldn't it be worse to... deny myself my feelings. Don't I have the responsibility to look after my own wants?"

"Yes..."

"Then what's the problem?" I know she was probably going to say more after that, but it wasn't important. "I'm just looking after my own mental health. That's what you told me to do, isn't it?"

"But I think there's a difference between-"

"Hey, it's actually getting pretty close to the end of our hour. We still need to talk about the whole... you know, that thing, that happened."

She didn't look like she wanted to leave the last subject behind, which is odd, since there's literally nothing left to say on it. We agree, she agreed with me. So we need to move on. Thankfully, she dropped it and went on to our next subject.

"Right, so, then we'll talk about that quickly. I'll just come right out and ask, I suppose. Have you had a talk with Miru recently?"

"Nope. She's been quiet for a few weeks now. At least talking to me."

"You think she might have been talking to someone else?"

Well, when I'm not near the mirror in my apartment, I don't really know what she's up to. "No, I mean sometimes I think I hear her talking to herself, I guess."

"Is she still only showing up in your mirror?"

"Yes, that's the only place I see her." But things have been changing a bit lately. "There are a few times, when I'm just going to sleep or waking up, I'll hear her voice coming from somewhere else. Usually it's just that mirror, but every now and then, I think she's out in the hall, but when I go to look there's no one there. One time, I think I heard her in the room above mine."

"I see. That does sound like a change. Do you think it's because she's losing her hold on you, or because she's getting more control?"

That's a good question. It could just be that Miru is fading away, so she's scattering in my mind. On the other hand, it could be a sign that I'm being enveloped by this other person in my mind. This evil woman I've been living with my entire life. She's been following me around so long, I don't know the last time I couldn't feel her in there.

"It could be either. Part of me wants to keep her around, but..."

"Another part would rather she was gone?"

"I think so..." I shook my head. "Hey, you said it yourself. She's not real, and she's causing problems in my life. I'm nineteen and I haven't lost my virginity, and that's mostly because I've been afraid to bring people into my room. If she vanishes, that can change."

"I also told you that losing your virginity is not necessary for you to be happy." Ah, but you're just wrong. I won't tell you that, though. Let her have that.

"Anyway, she is changing. That's both a relief and a concern, isn't it?"

"Yes." She nodded in agreement, then paused. "Can I ask you about Miru's personality?"

"Uh, sure?"

"Because, the reason I want to go into that, we've determined she's a separate personality in your mind who manifests in your apartment mirror, where you can communicate with her. So I think, from that, it's worth looking into whether or not her emotional state is a reflection of your own in some way. Maybe a hidden side of your own feelings."

Yeah, I remember we were gonna talk about that. "Okay, well, I don't know what I can tell you, but I'll try."

"The last few times you saw her, what emotions would you say she looked like she was displaying?"

Thinking back on the last time I really could see her clear... about a week about, she was sitting at the back of the room. "Maybe sadness? She's been acting mopey since I told her I didn't want her around anymore."

"You told her that?"

"Yes."

"Do you want her to go away?"

"For the most part, yes. I think I can say I would miss her, but I don't want her to be in my head anymore." There is another thing... yeah, I should mention, the one exception there. "A couple days ago, I saw her rush out the door, and I didn't hear or see anything from her until the next day. She just vacated for the day, and it was kind of nice, but kind of lonely too."

"Do you think she's upset with you?"

"No, I don't- well maybe, but that's not what it looked like. She looked like she was excited. Like she was looking forward to something."

"That is strange. Do you have any idea what it was she was going to do?"

I really don't have a clue. It's not like when she leaves my head alone, she goes somewhere else. "No, I don't know at all. Maybe just... give us both some time to ourselves." I don't know that that's what it was. I think I'm going to ask her about it when I get home.